My husband passed from Covid, complications ensue. Help...

[tishthedish]

I apologize for posting this twice (once under my original post). I don't know how to update, so if I need to do anything different or if this needs to be deleted, I'll understand.
My husband succumbed to complications of Coronavirus on 12/21. We buried him on Saturday. I am broken. It is awful. And my elder son is starting to flare up again. I don't want him to live with me. He is too volatile, but I have enjoyed this monthly 4-5 day visit per month schedule we've done since summer. With my husband gone, I think he is assuming he is now the man of the house. He is rearranging cabinets, going through closets in our bedrooms, kind of territory violation things. I had decided that my sons and I would sit down together for a talk next Saturday to clarify that I want to live by myself and that my elder son would be able to go back to the city and visit regularly. MY plan. Well, I spoke to my therapist and she introduced a different angle. Would he be getting a vaccine before coming home again? I hadn't even considered that, but given that he is homeless and lives in the city, puts him in a high risk population. I told him I wanted to discuss some things with him. I asked him tonight if he had given any thought to getting the vaccine. He said he was sure he wouldn't get the virus or had already had it because we had exposed him. I said, well, to be sure, I am going to get an antibody test, would he get that for assurance that people around him would be safe, including me and his brother. He said no and asked why I was starting a fight? Why was this an issue? I said because his dad just DIED of it. He said he was minding his own business and I came downstairs and started trouble. He said if it was an issue that he would just go back to Chicago. I said we could talk about it later. I didn't want to get into it with him without my other son there. He has to go back to Chicago. He can't come out whenever and risk reinfecting me or infecting his brother and wife along with anyone else I see or come in contact with. He acts as if I am asking something that's irrational or unlikely as our history belies. So he will disappear and I will have another loss in my life. The rose colored glasses are off. I couldn't see through the tears anyway. Damn bipolar, damn cover, damn my people pleasing neediness.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Tish

I am so very sorry that your husband has passed. Please accept my heartfelt condolences and my prayers.

I don't think it points to anything wrong about you that you would not want another loss. Especially right now.

I have had nearly the exact same situation with my son who alternately either minimizes or denies there is a virus. He could not care less if he exposes me, takes no precautions, and doesn't respect my space. What I am telling you is that I get it.

Our sons are mentally ill. If I was smart I wouldn't get into it with him, but at bottom, I would want him to care about me, and to care whether I live or die. And thus I can't easily let this go.

I don't think this is about you or even about your son. I think it's about facts. Both you and your son have experienced a horrendous loss. The situation is volatile and emotions are volatile. But facts are facts.

1. You need to be alone in the house. You need your space to grieve. You need to be protected and to act to protect yourself.
2. The deal was never that your son return to live, on a permanent basis.
3. Your son is an adult with options and choices. If he chooses to not get antibody test and if he chooses to not get a vaccine, there are natural consequences to this. This is not personal. It means he's not safe to be around.
4. He may think you're irrational and overreacting. That is his right. He has no business telling you. He can keep it private. In no way does it have any bearing on what you do and who you are. Ignore him. It's meaningless noise.
5. He will not disappear. He needs and loves you. You need and love him.
6. But this virus is a reality and you need to be protected. The person who will protect you is you.
7. I would wait until Saturday or until when you have the support and backup of your other son. I would not engage in more conversation with older son about this topic. Between now and then I would think about when you would want him to leave, the exact date. You love him and want him to return for the regular visits and you need him more now than ever. But to come home he needs an antibody test or vaccine. End of story.
8. There is no other way to see this, unless you would prefer that he stay and live with you, and that you both isolate together. That is your choice, as I see it. He stays, and you accept how he is. His domination of the space and domination of you. Or, he goes and to return he must be vaccinated or get an antibody test.
9. I think I am seeing this with compassion and neutrality. I have no axe to grind with your son.
10. I am so very sorry Tish.

 

[Shonnie]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine how you may be feeling right now. I only joined this group yesterday and have read many posts. For some reason yours bought me to tears. My child is 14yrs has a informal diagnosis of Borderline (BPD) and CD. I had to relinquish care due to her violence towards me. Though coronavirus has not impacted in Australia like other parts of the world, during lockdown I had similar conversations with my girl as you are having with your son. She seemed unable to recognise or care that I was at higher risk due to autoimmune disease. She believed herself to be immune but had no rationale to support this. I don't really have any great advice for you other than stick to your boundaries to keep safe and healthy. You are going through so much at the moment. I wish your son would recognise this. Sending you a big hug..

Shonnie

 

[BusynMember1]

I am sending prayers to your entire family.
I hate COVID! I am so sad this has impacted you this way. May your husband R.I.P. and you find a way to go on.

Hon, you have to decide what to do about your son. I see my kids but they are very careful around us, wear masks, and we socially distance. I haven't hugged them or my grands since COVID hit. So this is what we do. Everyone plans to take the vaccine and my kids don't party or do risky things or they could not visit. Well...except for Kay. My oldest of course is homeless and probably in harm's way but she is not near us. So she is a risk only to herself. I worry but I can't help her. She disregards everything I say. I give her health and we'll being to God. This comforts me.

At such a trying time, I hope you do everything for YOU and not be that caregiver. You have a lot to process and grieving takes time. Do for yourself first. Please. This is a time to put yourself first.

May God wrap you in His arms and comfort you. I send you lots of hugs and love from my heart to yours. Please stay safe.

XXX

 

[Crayola13]

I'm so sorry about your husband. My mom died of COVID four months ago. Today was hard. Some days are tolerable. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, along with your sons.

 

[overcome mom]

I am so sorry to hear about your husband's passing. I can't imagine how hard all of this has been for you. I I think ultimately your son will understand what he has to do i.e. go back to the city, but I am sure he'll be upset at first. I am sure your whole family is reeling from this. Hang in there.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Tish

I find myself agreeing with overcome mom. Imagine how your son must be suffering. He is disoriented and he is defensive. He must be trying to get his bearings, and in so doing, overstepping boundaries. My son is obtuse in the exact same way. Absolutely unable and unwilling to see my point of view. Defensive about what I ask him to do. Seemingly uncaring for my welfare.

The thing is your son has just lost one parent. He must also be terrified that you're vulnerable. He may not be aware of what he is doing. Remember before he was able to readjust his behavior and he actually showed insight. You and he were able to work it out.

I think I was wrong in my post above. I think that you may feel you need your son with you, for a little bit more time. Before he was able to hear you--when you first posted. He was able to be self reflective. Maybe this needs to be re-thought. Oh. Believe me. I know I would want him to leave. But you're ambivalent. It's not that you are a people pleaser. It is that you are genuinely torn, I think.

Is there a way to sit down with your son and cry together; hold each other; be together for a little while? Giving, getting comfort. His leaving is most likely the right thing to happen, sooner or later. But right now what might be going on is a whole lot of suffering and pain. Remember Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'hara in Gone With The Wind when Bonnie died in the accident with the horse? And Rhett and Scarlett were both so devastated that they couldn't grieve together? The marriage already had fallen apart but they needed each other and they were so vulnerable that they couldn't console each other. Maybe there is some of this happening in a mother/son way.

I am glad you are here Tish. With us.

 

[MissLulu]

Dear Tish, I just wanted to pass on my deepest condolences to you on your husband’s passing. I’m so sorry this has happened.

I can only imagine your grief and I understand that your son’s actions are not helping.
However you decide to approach this situation, you needn’t feel guilty for putting your own health and your own emotional needs first. Your son Is an adult and whilst of course he is grieving too, he can’t be allowed to let his needs and wants to overtake the rest of the family’s.
We’re here for you, Tish. Please lean on us as much as you need to.

 

[lovemysons]

Dear Tish...
I also send my deepest condolences for the loss of your dear husband. I can only imagine the grief, the pain, the heartache that you are feeling right now. I am so sorry.

My husband and I have had the “in the event” discussion and know that my troubled homeless son could not live with me either. And like you I am soft hearted towards him. It is a very difficult conflict.

I am curious if you and your dear husband ever discussed this type of situation. What would your dear husband want you to do? I think it might be easier to come to a conclusion that you know were your husband’s wishes.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I am glad you have your other son for some support. We are also here for you.
love and prayers for healing and answers

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

I am so very, very sorry, Tish. Please accept my sincerest condolences and sympathy. My heart goes out to you.
I have often thought, if something happened to my husband, that I would go and live somewhere else and not leave a forwarding address. I am afraid of my son. Who incidentally spent most of the time he was last here with us 'organising' and throwing away stuff. It was a control issue. We didn't know how to set boundaries until it was too late. I am certain I could not stand up to my son and he would end up controlling and dominating me. It's just a game to him. I hope that your relationship is better. But you are in a very vulnerable position. Please keep posting as this situation develops. Hugs.

 

[Copabanana]

Tish. Only you can decide, with the support of your therapist where you fall. It can be seen both ways: to try to be heard by your son, and to connect with his resources, or to put into place strong boundaries. Nobody can know what would be the right thing right now, because it is unknowable until you try.

 

[RN0441]

Tish

I too am so very sorry to hear that your husband passed. As I posted in December, my husband and I both had Covid in early December. Husband is 60 and on medications for blood pressure and pre-diabetes but both levels were not extremely high. We were both very lucky and had minimal symptoms, him just tired for 3 days and me ten days of discomfort and severe lower back pain. We know we were lucky though. It affects us all so differently.

I agree with the others. You need to put yourself first and make yourself comfortable and safe - and whatever that entails is okay! You don't have to justify it to anyone certainly.

Where did your son live prior to coming back to your area? If your son does go back to Chicago, that does not mean you don't love him or you will never see him again. Just take things one day at a time and don't think too far out. I think it is better to live like that in any case!

Please keep us posted and know that we are truly here for you!

Hugs and prayers for your peace.

 

[newstart]

I apologize for posting this twice (once under my original post). I don't know how to update, so if I need to do anything different or if this needs to be deleted, I'll understand.
My husband succumbed to complications of Coronavirus on 12/21. We buried him on Saturday. I am broken. It is awful. And my elder son is starting to flare up again. I don't want him to live with me. He is too volatile, but I have enjoyed this monthly 4-5 day visit per month schedule we've done since summer. With my husband gone, I think he is assuming he is now the man of the house. He is rearranging cabinets, going through closets in our bedrooms, kind of territory violation things. I had decided that my sons and I would sit down together for a talk next Saturday to clarify that I want to live by myself and that my elder son would be able to go back to the city and visit regularly. MY plan. Well, I spoke to my therapist and she introduced a different angle. Would he be getting a vaccine before coming home again? I hadn't even considered that, but given that he is homeless and lives in the city, puts him in a high risk population. I told him I wanted to discuss some things with him. I asked him tonight if he had given any thought to getting the vaccine. He said he was sure he wouldn't get the virus or had already had it because we had exposed him. I said, well, to be sure, I am going to get an antibody test, would he get that for assurance that people around him would be safe, including me and his brother. He said no and asked why I was starting a fight? Why was this an issue? I said because his dad just DIED of it. He said he was minding his own business and I came downstairs and started trouble. He said if it was an issue that he would just go back to Chicago. I said we could talk about it later. I didn't want to get into it with him without my other son there. He has to go back to Chicago. He can't come out whenever and risk reinfecting me or infecting his brother and wife along with anyone else I see or come in contact with. He acts as if I am asking something that's irrational or unlikely as our history belies. So he will disappear and I will have another loss in my life. The rose colored glasses are off. I couldn't see through the tears anyway. Damn bipolar, damn cover, damn my people pleasing need

I apologize for posting this twice (once under my original post). I don't know how to update, so if I need to do anything different or if this needs to be deleted, I'll understand.
My husband succumbed to complications of Coronavirus on 12/21. We buried him on Saturday. I am broken. It is awful. And my elder son is starting to flare up again. I don't want him to live with me. He is too volatile, but I have enjoyed this monthly 4-5 day visit per month schedule we've done since summer. With my husband gone, I think he is assuming he is now the man of the house. He is rearranging cabinets, going through closets in our bedrooms, kind of territory violation things. I had decided that my sons and I would sit down together for a talk next Saturday to clarify that I want to live by myself and that my elder son would be able to go back to the city and visit regularly. MY plan. Well, I spoke to my therapist and she introduced a different angle. Would he be getting a vaccine before coming home again? I hadn't even considered that, but given that he is homeless and lives in the city, puts him in a high risk population. I told him I wanted to discuss some things with him. I asked him tonight if he had given any thought to getting the vaccine. He said he was sure he wouldn't get the virus or had already had it because we had exposed him. I said, well, to be sure, I am going to get an antibody test, would he get that for assurance that people around him would be safe, including me and his brother. He said no and asked why I was starting a fight? Why was this an issue? I said because his dad just DIED of it. He said he was minding his own business and I came downstairs and started trouble. He said if it was an issue that he would just go back to Chicago. I said we could talk about it later. I didn't want to get into it with him without my other son there. He has to go back to Chicago. He can't come out whenever and risk reinfecting me or infecting his brother and wife along with anyone else I see or come in contact with. He acts as if I am asking something that's irrational or unlikely as our history belies. So he will disappear and I will have another loss in my life. The rose colored glasses are off. I couldn't see through the tears anyway. Damn bipolar, damn cover, damn my people pleasing neediness.

I am so sad for your supreme loss. God watch, hold and bless you and your children.

 

[Acacia]

Tish,

As with the others my heart goes out to you. At this time when you need a soft place to fall, to have to deal with conflict and uncertainty is especially difficult. Despite what you are going through, you sound clear headed to me, and I agree that you must put your health and safety first. You DS probably lacks the skills or insight to express his grief, so he acts out.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[KTMom91]

Oh, Tish...I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending many gentle hugs.

 

[Deni D]

Tish, I am also very sorry to hear of your husband's passing, my condolences to you and your family.

I hope you have someone to lean on for now to help with deciding on how you are going to move forward. As far as your older son is concerned, only you know how much he posses as empathy verses self-center inner values in his current state. And so only you would know how far you should go to protect yourself verses letting him in your world. I wish it were different for you, to ease the pain for now. I hope you have loving supportive friends and family all around you.

 

[susiestar]

Tish, I am so sorry. (((((hugs)))))

 

[tishthedish]

Thank you all so much for your very insightful replies. I am sorry to hear of your losses to Covid. This disease is insidious and aggressive. From all the doctors I have talked to with my own case and in my husbands one thing becomes clear, They do not have a handle on this or how to treat it. Research on it is in its infancy. They are blindfolded and Throwing darts. This doesn’t imply progress has not been made but that affect on vascular, neurological, pulmonary functions and beyond are just beginning to show themselves in a way that can be recorded and analyzed meaningfully.

Our family was very respectful of the dangers and acted appropriately. I have some friends who had been even more vigilant, and how I wish we had gone above and beyond the recommended protocol. It would have been such a small sacrifice/inconvenience to made given how our lives have been forever altered. And the thing is, with my husband retired and us cloistered at home we were HAPPY. We loved the alone time together and were having fun and enjoying the leisurely pace and a schedule of meals , favorite tv programs, walks, sleep and talks that we had heretofore been unable to partake due to our work schedules and the demands of 2 difficult sons from childhood right into adulthood and a special needs grandson we had custody of. Some things have resolved like our younger son and the situation with our grandson, while heartbreaking because this year the school in WI that enabled us to see him once per week said they could no longer handle his aggressions and he was moved to a new school in KS. We seen him once since last March. He doesn’t understand the why, but I am sure he feels our absence. God bless this beloved child, he knows his people.

Where did your son live prior to coming back to your area?

My son lived on the streets of Chicago by choice. Not a shelter, but on the streets, under a viaduct, he doesn't get too specific. I believe him. He is a loner and having others around him would chafe. We have offered to buy him a place (townhouse/condo) the only condition is that he have to apply for public assistance of some sort as we cannot afford to take full responsibility for him forever. If we purchase something he has to have some skin in the game. He says no. It should be a gift, so his lack of willingness is a non-starter and he shuts down any conversation with a loud voice and accusations.
I have to handle this and I don't know if there's a way to do it to preserve amiable contact with my eldest. I pray to be shown the way and given the right words. It was so much easier with my husband here. We were a team. Now, I think I am seen as the softer touch, needy and vulnerable.
Thank you for all your input, feedback and kind words. They are like balm on my tired heart. The complications of these illnesses are unrelenting.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Tish,

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your husband. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Copabanana]

Tish. How are you doing?