My son called

Helpless29

Well-Known Member
After tons of texts , and about 50 phone calls my son responded back his exact words I copied & pasted his texts “I'm not missing I'm okay I'm just going through something rn staying with people I met “
My phone's won't answer,Barley charging I'm at 5 percent .( my response) Then you need to call me from someones else phone
Then he replies:
“Ur gonna ask questions “Okay but can u send me money and help me plz.I'm trying to make it to New Orleans with my friend I can stay w them .
He called but wouldn’t say where he was or wouldn’t talk about getting help, he said he was homeless & sleeping on the streets but quickly let me go.
When I did not agree to give him money this is what he texted , again I copied his exact messages :
“See i.knew u would lie don't fake cry .LOL
Cuz I'm hungry and need to hop on greyhound .Just remember this bye “It's less than 10$ for a 7/11 pizza
I felt so much anger after , to tell me I fake cry & say lol , I been crying for days thinking he was dead & this is what I get a call only cuz he needed money .
I did get one more text the next morning asking again for money for food , I told him no that he needs to get help but he didn’t respond back . I guess I have some relief now because I talked to him ,I’m sad for him but also angry how he treated me .
 

Deni D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
Staff member
Helpless, I'm so glad he called. I've been right where you are, so worried that my son was dead. And then when he finally contacted me it was only to ask for money, insult me and try to guilt me when I refused. Everyone is not the same but my son says he knew he was being a real jerk, to put it mildly, when he was doing that stuff. He won't talk about it too much, only to say he knew he was acting like a real fool and that he knew he needed to get help. Back then I wasn't so sure what he knew, wasn't so sure that his thought process wasn't completely blown, but it wasn't.

It's good you don't send him money. These "friends" who have places for them to stay tend to be fictional or just someone looking for them to get money some way for themselves. I'm hoping he's not good at doing the streets, wears that out in a couple of days, and then goes to the planned sober living/rehab.

Hang in there, and try not to think the worst. Whatever we think about the situation and how dire it is there's nothing we can do about it anyway. I know that last statement sounds kind of stoic and unfeeling but if there's someway you can try a little exercise in working through what's the worse like you are doing but then challenge it with "okay, now what's the best that can happen" it may just help to to ease your mind a little bit so you don't make yourself sick.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hello Helpless,
I’m glad your son called you. So very sorry you are going through this horrible roller coaster ride from hell. I have been right where you are many times and have to work hard not to exist at the edge of the rabbit hole.
“See i.knew u would lie don't fake cry .LOL
Cuz I'm hungry and need to hop on greyhound .Just remember this bye “It's less than 10$ for a 7/11 pizza
This is cruel, especially after what you have been through with all the worrying and crying. Unfortunately, our wayward adult kids that are using, don’t operate the same way we do. This is a manipulation tactic to try to keep you in guilt mode. I’m glad you stayed strong and didn’t cave.
I felt so much anger after , to tell me I fake cry & say lol , I been crying for days thinking he was dead & this is what I get a call only cuz he needed money .
I have been here too. We are constantly grieving the loss of what we so hope for our beloveds. The proverbial rug keeps getting pulled from under us, the stress and emotional ups and downs are wearing on our hearts.
did get one more text the next morning asking again for money for food , I told him no that he needs to get help but he didn’t respond back . I guess I have some relief now because I talked to him ,I’m sad for him but also angry how he treated me .
It’s as if they don’t even remember the insults and cruelty isn’t it? My daughter used to use the term unconditional love on me. But, love has boundaries. I have to work hard at keeping my sanity with two wayward adult children on the streets. It is no way to live, burdened with the sadness of it. We have no control over what they do or say, but we do have control over our own reactions. I know how difficult this is, Helpless. If you could use that anger you feel to motivate yourself towards self care, that would be a huge victory for you, and also your son. I do believe if we stop the madness and get off this roller coaster ride, learn to focus on what we can control- ourselves, it is a way to really love our wayward kids. We are showing them by example how to love and take care of themselves. Instead of repeatedly going down with their ship, living and breathing the despair of their consequences, we can rise above all of that. It takes work. A lot of work. It takes learning to switch our focus from the nightmare imagination of whatever may be happening to our beloveds because of their street life and choices, to focusing on taking very good care of ourselves and finding our own niche in life. I believe addiction has a way of tormenting not only our wayward kids, but us, too. We are not using drugs, but if we continue to ride this roller coaster, it is as if we are physically, mentally and spiritually taking on the consequences right along side of our kids. If we continue, the stress takes a toll on us, as if we are living that life ourselves. It does no good for any of us, our beloveds included, if we lose our lives because we are so entwined with their bad choices. We become so enmeshed, we don’t even realize how much we have zeroed in and focus intensely on their lives. That is something we have absolutely no control over! Their choices continually eat away at our souls. When we live this way, we are easily manipulated and fooled into thinking that there is something we can do to change their decisions. Love says no. Good for you, that you were not manipulated into sending your son money. That is a first step to getting off this hellish ride. Find something that you love to do, to help switch your focus off whatever your son is doing. Our hearts can deceive us into thinking we are being cold and uncaring, there is nothing further from the truth. It is self preservation. You have nothing to give, if you lose your sanity over this. We need to learn to treat ourselves the way we wish our adult kids would treat themselves.

My daughter came up one rainy day to “wash clothes”, she brought a street friend with her. She talked about “acceptance” meaning I should accept that she is an addict. I told her that I understood that, but that my form of acceptance was vastly different than what she was inferring. She wants me to stay “connected” with her while she is using. But it is obvious that her desire to stay connected has more to do with my resources, then any kind of normal relationship. I told her that her and her sisters choices and consequences hurt me so deeply, that I had to give them to God, and pray for them daily. Otherwise, I would be living with this constant deep pain. I would surely perish, if that were the case.
When she hung the clothes she washed, it was all her “friends” clothes. I was upset that she would bring a man up to my house in the first place, but to use my resources so nonchalantly, and expose my home, my grand (her own daughter) to “stranger danger”, what in the world was she thinking? “I would never bring anyone sketchy up here Mom.” Her judgement is not the best, as last year she was stabbed in the shoulder with a bottle by one of her “boyfriends”. Ugh. Craziness.
I do falter many times and go back into “despair” mode. I have much work to do. One of my biggest faults is feeling cold hearted, when I set certain boundaries. I love my two, I miss them. The “them” I miss, are not the same people because of their meth use. I am no more than an opportunity.
My granddaughter is working hard at making a life for herself. I have learned much from her. “Tutu, you have to let Mom figure this out for herself.”
Although she struggles and is effected by any contact, I see her strength in focusing on her own life. She does have setbacks, but knows from her experiences at such a young age, that she has no control over her parent’s decisions.
I hope that you find a way to focus on yourself. You matter, Helpless. Your life has meaning aside from what your son chooses. It is not selfish to find a way to rise above the despair and breath. You got this, Mama. Hang in there.
Gentle hugs.
Leaf
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Dear helpless...I am glad that you heard from your son. I know it must have left you angry and frustrated. But, I will take those feelings over fear and grief any day! Sorry you have been put through the wringer, over and over.

Newksm
 

tommi

New Member
I Understand, first I get Facebook mess send money I need money, I so no then I hope you dye, then I am sorry please send money i need to eat, I say no, then I am going to come to your house and burn it down send money, I say no, this goes on for hours days weeks, I am the one who needs more help I can't sleep hard time working.
 

Nomore

Surviving Narcassitic Personality Disorder abuse
Your story is like many of ours. Our addicted and mentally challenged, failure to launch children become people we no longer recognize. And if they were friends, we would havd cut them out of our lives years earlier. But they take advantage of our basic mother instincts to protect our kids. And our minds focus all our energy on how to "help" them. Leaf's advice is spot on. Control what you can. Yourself. Get help with your own compulsion to rescue. Find a trusted therapist with great skill at addiction recovery. Yes, addiction recovery as you are addicted to the cycle of codependency. ALANON and books on codependency can help you explore your own contribution to your own anxiety. Continue reaching out to those that are also working on letting go. What's helping me in this letting go process is understanding that my son may always be an addict and therefore will never care about anything than getting his next drink. I am allowing myself to vocalize my grief. This grief and acknowledgement has me now switching from a place of trying to "help" to acceptance that my fantasy of him being different is just that; a fantasy. Grief counseling is helping me through the loss cycle. Prayers and hugs.
 

Mixed up Mom

New Member
After tons of texts , and about 50 phone calls my son responded back his exact words I copied & pasted his texts “I'm not missing I'm okay I'm just going through something rn staying with people I met “
My phone's won't answer,Barley charging I'm at 5 percent .( my response) Then you need to call me from someones else phone
Then he replies:
“Ur gonna ask questions “Okay but can u send me money and help me plz.I'm trying to make it to New Orleans with my friend I can stay w them .
He called but wouldn’t say where he was or wouldn’t talk about getting help, he said he was homeless & sleeping on the streets but quickly let me go.
When I did not agree to give him money this is what he texted , again I copied his exact messages :
“See i.knew u would lie don't fake cry .LOL
Cuz I'm hungry and need to hop on greyhound .Just remember this bye “It's less than 10$ for a 7/11 pizza
I felt so much anger after , to tell me I fake cry & say lol , I been crying for days thinking he was dead & this is what I get a call only cuz he needed money .
I did get one more text the next morning asking again for money for food , I told him no that he needs to get help but he didn’t respond back . I guess I have some relief now because I talked to him ,I’m sad for him but also angry how he treated me .
I'm sorry you are getting such horrible treatment from your son. I just got cursed out from mine for not sending more money. I have a hard time saying no. You don't deserve it. We love our children and want the best for them but you are right in saying no. It seems if we give in, then the expect even more and more. Thoughts and prayers.
 

Katkins

New Member
It's like reading my own story. My 41 year old only gets in touch to tell me he needs funds. He makes up unbelievable lies. The last one was he was homeless and obviously it was my fault. He needed money. Didn't I care about him? What sort of mother was I?
I cannot sleep from worrying when I don't hear from him then get angry when I do because it's the same old story. I think about him day and night. The roller coaster of anger/dread/guilt/worry.
I threw him out of a property I had a mortgage on and thought I was free of him and strong but I wasn't.
My friend who is 81 has a wayward adult child nearly 60 and she looked desperate the other day when we met. She said will it never end? I do not want a life like this anymore and have blocked him.
Stay strong, I'm trying too.
 

Nomore

Surviving Narcassitic Personality Disorder abuse
It's like reading my own story. My 41 year old only gets in touch to tell me he needs funds. He makes up unbelievable lies. The last one was he was homeless and obviously it was my fault. He needed money. Didn't I care about him? What sort of mother was I?
I cannot sleep from worrying when I don't hear from him then get angry when I do because it's the same old story. I think about him day and night. The roller coaster of anger/dread/guilt/worry.
I threw him out of a property I had a mortgage on and thought I was free of him and strong but I wasn't.
My friend who is 81 has a wayward adult child nearly 60 and she looked desperate the other day when we met. She said will it never end? I do not want a life like this anymore and have blocked him.
Stay strong, I'm trying too.
Strength requires taking personal responsibility for yourself and your own peace of mind. Just like our sick loved ones, our life is our own and we must do the things we tell them to do. get into therapy and focus on how to self love and stop the obsessive thoughts on your kid. I can assure you they give little to no thought about your well being. Stop enabling those who mistreat you. maintain firm boundaries. Seek out advice from those willing to tell you the harsh truths about YOU. Take control of your own life. You cannot control any one else. Nor should you try to. Disengage and watch from a distance if at all. Study Self Love Deficit disorder/co dependency and work a program to love yourself enough not to allow anyone including your children to destroy your life. Sorry if harsh but as long as we focus our energy and concern on others, we make ourselves sick and frankly them sicker.
 

mom58

New Member
I remember asking my dad for money one time in my life. And he told me he did not have a money tree. And did I not just get my income tax return? Needless to say, he did not send money. And I never asked again. Lesson learned. I am glad he did what he did. It made me grow up and figure this money thing out. And I was young 21 had a child 3 years old at the time. The child's father was worthless he moved to Texas to avoid paying child support of 100 bucks a month.
Jeez.
Now I have a grown son who can't get his act together. We go back and forth between tough love and enabling. Stinks cause ya feel bad for doing tough love and you know giving money is not really helping them do anything but buy drugs. He has managed to work and keep an apartment before so know he can do it. Meth, comes into the picture and life goes to hell in a very short time. Plus he turns into somebody that is paranoid, angry, etc.
 
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