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My stress and anxiety are thru the roof.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760241" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear ksm</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you are going through this. When grandchildren are involved it becomes so terribly hard.</p><p></p><p>From my memory, this was what you feared all along. Not so much that you would be sucked in as a major caregiver, but that too. But more your daughter's connection to this bum, this abusive and good for nothing young man, who fathered other children leaving chaos in his wake. </p><p></p><p>This seems like a lifestyle. Back-forth. In-out. Up-down. Fighting-Making up all sweet, forgetting, and forgiving all that is past. Indifferent to the insecurity of the baby. Indifferent to the worry and burden to the mature, adult, and normal people (you, your husband, etc) who try to hold this rickety boat together on these choppy seas.</p><p></p><p>Really, it is so much like my own situation with my son, except without the baby. But the baby is everything.</p><p></p><p>I fear this will not change. What is the lightning bolt that will strike your daughter, different from all of the ones that have come before?</p><p></p><p>Oh, of course, one day something will happen that will be too much. But how far down the road will that be?</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others. Sooner or later you have some hard choices to make. Do you hang in the way it is, despite how hard it is to bear? Is there enough constancy and normality for the baby, with your help, that you believe the baby will thrive? Are you willing at your age to play this role accepting it will not change and you have no control; knowing it will go on and on? Do you want to be the main event, the Mom, again, to take over when others fail their children?</p><p></p><p>I believe my own grandparents did this. Maybe it was a little less chaotic but my own parents were similar. My grandmother came to our house five days a week. She did everything a mother does. And more. She created an emotional haven. I owe my life to her. But this was almost 70 years ago. My sister and I were my grandmother's life. Your life is fuller and puts more demands on you.</p><p></p><p>There are many extended families that raise babies collectively. Sometimes, non-blood related "aunties" will take over the responsibility to raise a child, themselves or sharing responsibility. It sounds actually that this has already happened in your family. Is your son willing to help?</p><p></p><p>I know others have spoken about adoption and getting CPS involved, and pressuring your daughter to relinquish the baby. Or at the very least being accountable for the circumstances to which she is exposing her child. She bears responsibility for tolerating what is abusive and exposing her baby to it as well. </p><p></p><p>In the best of worlds, she needs to be held accountable, get parenting classes, and support to help her find in herself the capacity to say no to this bad man and what he brings with him. But how to do this? </p><p></p><p>That's for you and for the family to decide. It is high-risk in the sense, that when CPS gets involved, they have control. This baby has a loving and caring and responsible extended family. Are you willing or able to try to work this out as a unit with your son and daughter? Can she understand the situation? Is she capable to that extent? </p><p></p><p>But oh my. To think of relinquishing this baby to the system, to other non-family parents. Can this really be an option now? This far down the road? I can't imagine the heartbreak of this. For everybody. Especially the baby. In my experience, there are not always happy endings in adoption. My own son has suffered horribly from the failure of his birth parents, to care for him, to want him--he feels thrown away like so much garbage. </p><p></p><p>Yet there has to be some law laid down. How can you keep helping when she calls the shots? And lives so badly. Right now, it's all words. She says she's coming over after the boyfriend has acted out or worse.. And then they're lovey-dovey two minutes later.... How will this change? This has been going on for years. This is the quality of their relationship. This is how they are. How can you change this? How can this change? It won't. There is no desire or ability on their part to change it.</p><p></p><p>But there can be changed arrangements for the baby, with the intervention and agreement of the family as a whole. If it were me, I would not be a caretaker of the child on the terms your daughter is setting. I would not make it a firm to do this or I will or I won't. But I would decide what just can't happen anymore. And what the child absolutely needs. And what you are willing and able to do; or not. But on your terms, not on your daughter's. Right now she is calling all of the shots.</p><p></p><p>You are in a hard, hard spot. There is not one way to go that is easy or painless. All of it is hard, hard, hard. Except the baby. This is about the baby.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760241, member: 18958"] Dear ksm I am so sorry you are going through this. When grandchildren are involved it becomes so terribly hard. From my memory, this was what you feared all along. Not so much that you would be sucked in as a major caregiver, but that too. But more your daughter's connection to this bum, this abusive and good for nothing young man, who fathered other children leaving chaos in his wake. This seems like a lifestyle. Back-forth. In-out. Up-down. Fighting-Making up all sweet, forgetting, and forgiving all that is past. Indifferent to the insecurity of the baby. Indifferent to the worry and burden to the mature, adult, and normal people (you, your husband, etc) who try to hold this rickety boat together on these choppy seas. Really, it is so much like my own situation with my son, except without the baby. But the baby is everything. I fear this will not change. What is the lightning bolt that will strike your daughter, different from all of the ones that have come before? Oh, of course, one day something will happen that will be too much. But how far down the road will that be? I agree with the others. Sooner or later you have some hard choices to make. Do you hang in the way it is, despite how hard it is to bear? Is there enough constancy and normality for the baby, with your help, that you believe the baby will thrive? Are you willing at your age to play this role accepting it will not change and you have no control; knowing it will go on and on? Do you want to be the main event, the Mom, again, to take over when others fail their children? I believe my own grandparents did this. Maybe it was a little less chaotic but my own parents were similar. My grandmother came to our house five days a week. She did everything a mother does. And more. She created an emotional haven. I owe my life to her. But this was almost 70 years ago. My sister and I were my grandmother's life. Your life is fuller and puts more demands on you. There are many extended families that raise babies collectively. Sometimes, non-blood related "aunties" will take over the responsibility to raise a child, themselves or sharing responsibility. It sounds actually that this has already happened in your family. Is your son willing to help? I know others have spoken about adoption and getting CPS involved, and pressuring your daughter to relinquish the baby. Or at the very least being accountable for the circumstances to which she is exposing her child. She bears responsibility for tolerating what is abusive and exposing her baby to it as well. In the best of worlds, she needs to be held accountable, get parenting classes, and support to help her find in herself the capacity to say no to this bad man and what he brings with him. But how to do this? That's for you and for the family to decide. It is high-risk in the sense, that when CPS gets involved, they have control. This baby has a loving and caring and responsible extended family. Are you willing or able to try to work this out as a unit with your son and daughter? Can she understand the situation? Is she capable to that extent? But oh my. To think of relinquishing this baby to the system, to other non-family parents. Can this really be an option now? This far down the road? I can't imagine the heartbreak of this. For everybody. Especially the baby. In my experience, there are not always happy endings in adoption. My own son has suffered horribly from the failure of his birth parents, to care for him, to want him--he feels thrown away like so much garbage. Yet there has to be some law laid down. How can you keep helping when she calls the shots? And lives so badly. Right now, it's all words. She says she's coming over after the boyfriend has acted out or worse.. And then they're lovey-dovey two minutes later.... How will this change? This has been going on for years. This is the quality of their relationship. This is how they are. How can you change this? How can this change? It won't. There is no desire or ability on their part to change it. But there can be changed arrangements for the baby, with the intervention and agreement of the family as a whole. If it were me, I would not be a caretaker of the child on the terms your daughter is setting. I would not make it a firm to do this or I will or I won't. But I would decide what just can't happen anymore. And what the child absolutely needs. And what you are willing and able to do; or not. But on your terms, not on your daughter's. Right now she is calling all of the shots. You are in a hard, hard spot. There is not one way to go that is easy or painless. All of it is hard, hard, hard. Except the baby. This is about the baby. [/QUOTE]
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