My "wonderful" weekend and suicidal ideation

[BusynMember]

This is my post I accidentally put on General.

1. So hubby and I drove to the Chicago area to see my beautiful granddaughter. She is about the same age as Julie was when we first got her from Korea, AND SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE JULIE DID! She is healthy, chubby, baby chatty alert and just the best. That was the good part of my weekend...I got to spend a lot of time with her and she is amazing.
   
   I stayed overnight with Julie and her SO while husband went back to hotel. Husband can't drive at night since he had corneal transplants last year. I mean, he CAN, but he doesn't like to drive FAR at night. And I freak out driving at night because...well, because I am a nervous night driver and it's 3-4 hours away. It didn't matter. We were going to leave Sunday in the morning.
   
   My cell phone rang. It was Jumper, who was in from college to go to her old high school's homecoming. I thought she was over her ex boyfriend, but it turned out she came in specifically to try to get him to hear her out about why she broke up with him. She wants him back, he's a great kid...usually. But he doesn't forgive easily and since sh e broke up with him and truly broke his heart, he won't talk to her. Every time she tried, he walked away. Well, she called us crying, which she never does, then she called again and said, please come home...she can't stop crying and she needs us. She never does that either. I told her to call somebody who knows the story, but she is very private (something that will bite her in the butt if she doesn't change) and even her best friends don't know how she feels. Scared, hub and I left as soon as we could Sunday morning. On the way home, the car started driving funky. Hubby is a mechanic and said a few choice swear words, then told me what was going on. The short of it is we had to drive home very slowly while Jumper kept calling to ask if we were getting closer.
   
   We got home and Jumper was watching the football game and I asked her if she'd listen to me, thinking that my two older kids (Julie and 36) tell me that I give good advice (this is kind of funny that I said it after what 36 did later on). Anyway, she nodded "yes." I gave her a long speech close to what we talk about here (thank you, guys). I told her that she broke up with J. for a reason and that she could not control what he did, but that she could control her reaction to it...that time heals...that she has to love herself more than him...blah, blah, blah. I could tell it worked and she hugged me and was much better and got ready to go back to college.
   
   I was drained.
   
   As soon as she had just driven away, my phone went off and it was 36. He first berated me for not answering the phone in the car (I was probably talking to Jumper or else I just didn't hear it because the truck is loud). Then he moved on immediately to how Junior was getting worse grades in school and the teacher was unhappy with his behavior because he could not sit still or pay attention, although she didn't think it was ADHD (thanks, Teach. I love when teachers become diagnostic psychiatrists). I was surprised because Junior has always gotten good school reports, but, to be honest, the three times I've seen him, I thought there was something wrong with him. He seemed overly hyper, too easy to cry, and I expected this to happen, but was glad when it didn't. Now it has.
   
   Normally I refuse to give 36 advice because he doesn't like my advice. He not only wants advice that is "positive" and makes him "feel good" but he wants me to come up with a great solution. Well, because 36 has joint legal custody with his ex, his situation is complicated. Also, Junior is at a school of choice, not the home address school and the school he is at can decide not to let him come back and he's freaked out that they won't let Junior come back. I guess I said the wrong thing because he hung up on me after a few choice names. I was angry that I didn't have a chance to hang up first I am going to give him a five day time-out for that. But to be honest, this reminds me of how 36 gets when he is nervous or in crisis. Nobody but serial killers are meaner than 36 when he is nervous about something. However, to calm him down in a normal way, like I did with Jumper, isn't possible. He only wants me to say certain things in a certain way...it is hard to explain.
   
   I feel terrible for Junior. But I can't do ANYTHING. I can't even SAY anything because, given his situation, he can't just take Junior to a neuropsychologist of his choosing and he has a court ordered psychologist overseeing the entire family, which ticks him off. So, I was shaking when I got off the phone, not because of 36, but because of the entire weekend and my mood disorder was in "depressed" mode. I never get as depressed as I once did, so that I can not get out of bed and can't eat or sleep or anything, but I do still have ups and downs. I started thinking about suicided.
   
   My mind told me, "You are 61 and still very healthy. What do you have to look forward to? Getting older and sicker and dealing with more problems because life has problems. So why not end it now and call it a life? You overcame a lot and had a good run. Why wait until you are old and maybe senile to end it? It's too hard. It's too hard to fight this mood disorder any longer. Nobody can say you didn't try. Nobody will miss you, except husband and kids, and they will get over it. So think about it." And I did. And I did some more. And I kept on thinking about it. Since I believe in everlasting life and reincarnation, I started wondering if this is when I was SUPPOSED to end my life's journey. Don't try to tell me it's not true...I am convinced it is...and that won't help me at all. Anyway, I'm still here and feel less suicidal today. I am going to call my therapist. I actually had an uptick later in the night. Goodwill Industries, where I work, had a huge sale for workers and the public and I went and got two bags of great stuff for a really low price. I ran into a lot of people I know and, even though I'm an introvert, getting out and being with people REALLY helps me when I'm in a down mode. I need people even though I can only take so much of them. So when I came back home I felt a little better and watched a football game with my husband.
   
   36 tried calling back several times. He is capable of calling ten times in a row. That sent me into a mild tailspin again, but husband got ticked off and turned off my phone, while saying, "He really needs to grow up. What is his problem????" 36 always flabbergasts husband. He can't imagine how somebody his age can be such a big baby and so vindicative and self-centered. Yeahl, well, I can't figure it out either, but thanks, Husband.
   
   I feel better today. Hopefully I can think of good reasons to keep going on at my age. I kept focusing on 61. "You'll get older, you'll get sick, and life is too hard." Ugh. That's how my mind works when I'm in a downhill mode. I am not actively suicidal, but I have to admit I made sense to myself this weekend.
   
   As soon as the therapist gets in, I'm going to call the office just because I can't do anything as drastic as ending it to my husband and kids. My Dad made it to 90 and still has a clear head so I could live many more years in good health. (Sigh) But sometimes life is soooooooooooooooooooo hard
   
   This is what I've lived through so far:
   
   1/36...his entire life has been a struggle
   2/adopted an older foster boy who sexually abused my two youngest (Jumper and Sonic) for three years and I didn't know it, which makes me feel like a horrible mother even today. He is no longer with us, but he is married and has just had another baby to perp on. I forgot to mention I checked his Facebook too. I don't even know why I did that. It didn't help and I don't want to contact him.
   3/Scott, whom I loved with all my heart and soul, rejected me as his mother.
   4/My own mother disowned me and nobody knows why.
   5/My sibs think I'm family blacksheep and we have no contact, which makes me feel alone.
   6/I have mental health issues that had a very early onset. They have affected every aspect of my life.
   
   Yep. Sometimes life seems very hard, but somehow I always manage to go on. This is probably one of the worst crises I've had in years, at least mentally. No, I don't have a plan nor do I have any intention of really ending it, certainly not right now. But I am thinking, "It's an option down the road."
   
   Ugggggggggggggggh!!!!!
   Thanks for listening. Any good thoughts about life after 60 and going on and the stupidity of my thinking would be helpful. Any thoughts at all would be helpful. But if you have none, just knowing I an vent here is nice.
   Last edited: Today at 6:44 AM

 

[Lil]

Any good thoughts about life after 60 and going on and the stupidity of my thinking would be helpful. Any thoughts at all would be helpful.

Oh MWM...I am so sorry your weekend went like it did and you are in this state...but life after 60 is DEFINITELY worth living! I wish I had tons of reasons, but all I can say is this...I truly believe every day is a blessing...even the bad ones. I believe that ending you life before its time is a waste, foolish, and frankly (I'm so sorry but I don't know how else to put this) selfish. 36 is NOT your only child. You have a husband who loves you. You finally have your older daughter back and a wonderful granddaughter. You have Sonic. You have a younger daughter who loves you and calls on you when she's down. Jumper needs you and not just when times are bad. My own mother died suddenly at 60. I was 23. My father died shortly thereafter - as many do when they've had long-term marriages. I miss my dad, but he was dad. Mom's are different and I miss her every single day of my life! When I graduated law school, my dad and my aunts were there...but I was so sad because she was not. When I passed the bar, I had no one to celebrate with. When my son was born I cried, not tears of joy, but because my mother was not there. Every joy in my life has been touched with sorrow for the last 27 simply because I cannot share it with her. I'm 50 years old now. You say your own mother rejected you. What is suicide if not rejection...of not just living but of living with them. I'm sure you wish you had the relationship with her you now have with your own daughters. As I write this I have tears, thinking of anyone intentionally causing their own family that sorrow.

by the way, you husband and children are NOT the only ones who would miss you. Your life touches more people than you realize. I don't know your social circle...but you help people every day by posting on this forum. You have helped me. You would be missed.

But I realize that the guilt of leaving is not the same as a reason to live. And if sharing all the joy another person will have is not enough, there is joy to be had for yourself. Watching Jumper grow and prosper will be a joy. Watching your granddaughter grow up and seeing all those milestones. More importantly, YOU will have your own joys! You will have sunrises and sunsets and spring times and Christmas and PEACE. It's there! You know it is.

Life is not easy. I know this. Your life has not been easy. But it is not over. There is so much good to be seen and to have and to do. Please, please, concentrate on the good in your life. As corny as it sounds, count your blessings. You have them. Start with your family, your health, your friends, and continue on. You have more than you know.

Sending you warm hugs and much love.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I would miss you here, MWM.

And I would miss knowing that you were in the world, making your sphere of influence a better, saner place because at the center of it is someone good, someone choosing, against all odds and in defiance of the sometimes terrible outcome of your best intentions, to choose love over hatred, every time.

I read this: Confronted, again and again with the evil in the world, Mr. Rogers (Remember that old PBS show, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood?) tells us to look for the helpers as the house burns down or the flood waters rise.

That's us, MWM.

You and I are there, helping.

We can never seem to make the bad thing go away.

But what would the world be, if there were no helpers?

If there was no one unfailingly kind?

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

these posts were both VERY helpful. Thank you both so much. You're both right. I can't do it to my loved ones. To me it feels like I have nobody, but that's depressive thinking. It's true I don't have a social circle. I never did. But my husband and children would be devastated.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lil and Cedar.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

There are two more things I would like to say.

Actually, I think about suicide too, sometimes. When I am really angry, when the bad seems to win every time, I think about suicide as a defiant act. I think about it as a kind of protest.

Sort of the ultimate "**** You."

Warrior Oriental cultures see suicide that way.

See refusing to stay in the lives we are living as a valid protest against the seeming futility or the mindless, unending cruelty.

I agree with that view of suicide.

Suicide as protest.

But...life MWM, simply to be here, living and breathing and present, is a mind bogglingly lucky thing that happened, to you, and to me, too.

Surely, out of everything that might have been in the generations-long genetic gamble that brought us both to healthy life and now, to healthy, functional maturity...there is a purpose.

We are the helpers, MWM.

There are so many things we did not fix. But who is to say what conditions would have been, in our spheres of influence, had we not been there, battling away?

Remember that old movie, that Christmas classic with Jimmy Stewart and the angel who was working for his wings and the little girl who says that every time a bell rings, another angel has received its wings?

That's us, that's our story too, MWM.

Remember when the angel showed what life would have been for his family and his town had the mild mannered, decent, and ultimately discouraged Jimmy Stewart character never lived?

I am totally blown away too by this getting uglier, getting weaker, feeling as though I am too tired to continue being me of oldness.

But I remember what it was to be an attractive young female.

I remember when that was my only value.

So, sometimes, though I would rather be young and firm and flashy...I think this time of quiet presence, of observation, might be a gift to us, MWM.

And though I dont much care for the powerless of this time...I'm pretty sure we are here on purpose, still.

It takes a certain kind of defiance, a different kind of self definition to choose life as we age.

Stay with us, MWM.

We will witness for one another.

I think that each of us who finds something of value, here on this site, is here on purpose, and for a purpose very different than whatever it is we think we are here for.

We are the good guys, the helpers, MWM.

That is a hard thing to be...but we are necessary, MWM.

Cedar

 

[Lil]

Okay, I'll have to say this...it seems to me a better "eff you" to the world and the people making you miserable is to actually say "eff you!" and do something to make yourself happy.

I said a while back on another thread that its never to old to change your life. Sell all your worldly goods and buy a ticket to Europe. Buy an RV and become a hippie. Go back to college is you love learning. Take an art class if you always wanted to learn to paint. Or just change your phone number and go get a massage.

Granted, I've never really been suicidal, but I find the best part of saying eff you to someone is living with the knowledge that you came out on top. Kind of the opposite if you aren't here anymore.

Ladies, you are all wonderful and kind helpers. Make time to help yourself. Big hugs.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks again, Cedar. Good post.

When I think abut suicide, I'm not angry. I'm tired and ready to rest and my beliefs don't let me think life is over after it's over...but they do say suicide is not the way to go and that you WILL see how your loved ones suffer for the choice you made. I don't want to see that. I know that my kids need me, especially Sonic and Jumper. I know and believe we are here, not by random, but because we are supposed to be here and have a purpose that must be fulfilled and we pass on only after our work here is done...for this time on earth...before we return. I guess I still have things to do and lessons to learn.

Thanks for being there. I hope I too am there for others.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, that's a really good way of looking at it...lol. I like your point of view

A depressive mood disorder often causes suicidal ideation. It's part of the illness.

 

[nlj]

I often feel as if I've had enough. I often think about what songs I would like played at my funeral. The World seems so filled with evil sometimes that I wouldn't miss it. Sometimes it seems like nothing is worth the effort.

Suicide has no thought for those left behind though does it? If you have a husband and children then your suicide would change their lives and would be something that they would never get over. I think about that Beatles song, All The Lonely People, do you know the one I mean? I'm not lonely, I have H and the kids and the cats. So do you. Suicide would be the ultimate selfish cruel act, because we're not lonely people, we have all these other important people in our lives.

I think about how I would actually do it, you know, all the different ways of 'ending it', none of them are particularly foolproof or guaranteed or easy. Who would find you? How would they find you?

Thinking about the reality of it leads me out of the suicidal thought processes. It's one thing to think suicidal thoughts but a long road to thinking and planning how you would do it and another long road to actually doing it.

I think a lot of people have vague suicidal thoughts, a lot of people who would never act on those thoughts. I think women between the ages of about 50 and early 60s are particularly susceptible to depressed thoughts caused by hormones. I am.

All life at a fundamental level is about survival. You're a survivor MWM. I'm a survivor. We may think about suicide after a particularly bad day, but you and I both know that in a week's time we will no longer feel that way, because we've been there before, we've thought about it before, but then those thoughts pass and the sun comes out again and the earth turns and the good things in our lives trample the memories of that bad day underfoot.

 

[Stress Bunny]

MWM,
I'm so sorry you had such a weekend and that thoughts of suicide gripped you in the midst of the overwhelming stress. I can relate to you a lot. We have similar stories to tell. I don't think your thoughts and feelings are selfish at all. They are a natural part of your unique experiences and psychological make-up.

I understand how you feel, and it would be hypocritical of me to deny that I have the very same thoughts from time to time. In my case, they seem to be fueled by anxiety and stress, which, of course leads to depression as well. Stress is cumulative, and you've had more than your share in this life.

I don't know if it will help to share my hard times, but maybe it will make you feel less alone.

All I ever wanted was a family. We struggled with infertility and early miscarriage for years though. I never felt so alone and ashamed. It was devastating. We became foster parents to do something good that would help us keep our minds off of ourselves. We had around 20 kids stay with us over 5 years, and adopted JT. He was very oppositional and adhd right from the start. Raising him was beyond stressful, and despite our best efforts, he has completely rejected everything about us and our values. He is narcissistic and probably sociopathic too.

Over the years, we've suffered numerous job losses, severe illness, and isolation. We had to give baby girls we thought would be ours back to their birth mothers (twice) who changed their minds about adoption. We finally adopted our youngest as an infant through private adoption after 10 years of marriage. He has an autism spectrum disorder and very difficult behaviors at times. We have few friends because of the parenting demands we've had. I that will never be for this family. We're getting older, and I wonder what we have to look forward to. I'm especially sensitive to the perfect families that everyone else seems to have.

Yet I have been so blessed in these times of tribulation. You have been a true lifesaver for me on this forum; wise and caring. We all need you here.

Think about whether you may want to set more boundaries with your kids, especially 36. How much do his words affect you? Did his tantrum and repeated calls put your stress level over the edge? I don't know how you're able to listen or engage with him at all.

You're my hero, and I would love to talk to you in person sometime.

 

[in a daze]

Please be aware how many lives you have a positive effect on by your thoughtful, wise counsel. You make a difference with your advice every day. Hang in there. Things often look better in the morning.

 

[Childofmine]

Okay MWM. No fussing at you, altho I want to fuss at you. I get it that fussing isn't what is needed right now.

Sometimes it all is too much. It really is. And we, you, I....we feel like what's the point? I have thought, at the worst of this, well I would be better off dead because then all of this wouldn't hurt anymore. I have thought that, too.

Just thinking about your weekend, the very high high, with the baby (precious baby) and then the very low lows, first with Jumper who is your great kid, so functional. What, her too???!!! I think you would have been okay if not for 36 coming right on top of Jumper.

You know what to do, MWM. From what I know of you, and I feel like I do know you, you basically have a happy life everyday. So your percentage of good is high.

It's the other people who bring the bad. You don't bring the bad to yourself. You KNOW what to do when things get too hard. You do it every day.

You use your tools, and now, you are using your tools once again---getting help.

MWM---61 is the new 41!!! Did you know that? That's almost a....well...fact...now. A fact. MWM, I'm right here with you. I'm 58. I hate that NUMBER. I feel so 19 in my head. I am still doing all kinds of things. I am nowhere near done.

You aren't either. You have an important role to play in this world, with husband, with your children (even 36), with your job, with the things you love to do, with us, here.

Yes, life is hard. Sometimes it is almost unbearably hard. When it is, we have to step back, stand down and get help. We have to re-energize and re-fuel, after we rest, and then we are back to giving and receiving, and back to love, which is what life is all about to begin with, and to end with, anyway.

Warm hugs to a wonderful, wise, caring, giving woman. Remember: 61 is the new 41! Claim it! Own It! Love, love, love from me to you.