greenstockings
Member
Hello, everyone. The journey that landed me here is a long one, as I suspect is the case with most of us. I will try to give the nutshell version.
I have a 22yo son (difficult child) and an 18yo son (former easy child). difficult child is the result of a brief and tumultuous marriage that occurred when I was 18. I married a guy I'd been with for six months (everyone warned me about him), ran away from home with him, and ended up joining the Navy. I will call this man EX1. EX1 has antisocial tendencies and was diagnosed as bipolar with a paranoid personality. He and I separated when difficult child was 8 months old; EX1 had finally lost his composure and become violent. I was going to a new duty station and I left him behind. Haven't seen him since 1992, although he still bothers me online from time to time (sent me a happy birthday message on Facebook).
I remarried and along came the next little boy, who was a easy child until recently. I will call his dad EX2. EX2 and I met in the Navy and he adopted difficult child a couple of years after we married. EX1's parental rights were terminated. EX2 and I were married for 12 years. He left me for another woman, finished out his Navy career, and retired a mere 8hrs away by car. He hasn't seen the boys in at least 4 yrs, and has only spoken to them a handful of times. Ignores Xmas, birthdays, etc. I don't know what the heck happened to him. Even my dad liked him, and my dad didn't like any of the guys I dated.
Anyhoo....I remarried again when the kids were 13 and 10. My husband is a sweet, supportive guy who has always been there for my boys and they have always gotten along, for which I'm grateful.
difficult child was an angry baby that never stopped crying, a toddler full of rage, and by the time he was of preschool age his dad (EX2) and I were burnt out. We took him to a therapist, did family therapy, etc. difficult child was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. The ODD diagnosis fit, but I've always been skeptical about the ADHD part. We did charts, stickers, therapy, the Feingold diet, medications, etc. Nothing has ever really helped.
When he was 13 he was diagnosed with sleep disorders, which run in my family. After treatment his mood improved quite a bit, and I sort of thought that maybe his a-hole behavior was due to a decade of sleep deprivation. I might add that he only acts out at home. Every once in a while he'd act up in public or at a friend's house when he was little, but as he got older he reined that in and other people only see a charming, intelligent, lovable guy.
Fast forward to the adult years....he has had a couple of jobs that last less than two months. He just stops going. He finished one semester at community college. The second semester he stopped going after Spring Break. He has anxiety and suffers from depression. He has been going to a psychiatrist and social worker for the past two years or so, and was taking Prozac. In November we bought a house and moved. He didn't respond very well to that. Packing and unpacking provoked enough anxiety that he simply couldn't (or wouldn't) do it. Since we moved in, he's been sitting in his unpacked room playing video games all hours of the day. He only showers about twice a week and lives in the same clothing for days, hoards dirty dishes and garbage in his room, etc. When I speak to him about his behavior, I'm "overbearing" and "harrassing" him.
He wanted to go to tractor trailer driving school. He started Dec. 2nd, loved it, and had a panic attack on Dec. 3rd and didn't go back. He was really excited about doing this, so I don't know why he panicked. He's very guarded with his feelings and doesn't talk about them, even to his doctors and therapists. They can't get info from him. I recently discovered that he had not been to see his doctors since July. He'd just been refilling his medications. His medications ran out about a month ago.
About two weeks ago, I had had it. I told him he needed to get the hell out of our house if he wasn't going to make an effort in life. His reaction was to take his Xmas money to the liquor store and get drunk in his room. I found him asleep with empty bottles of booze, beer, and sleeping aids next to him. I saw it as an opportunity to force him into therapy, so we called 911. After about an hour of cajoling, they took him out of the house by force and he was admitted to the psychiatric ward. When they took him out of here, husband and I went to clean up all the beer bottles and found a 10-inch long kitchen knife by the couch. difficult child managed to convince the doctors that nothing is wrong with him, and was discharged two days ago with no diagnosis, no medications, and a doctor's appointment. He tells me that the knife is because he was feeling unsafe in the new house. His BFF picked him up and he's staying with him for a few days. His BFF is my BFF's son, so this is awkward. He was told he could stay there until Friday. I don't know what he will do after that.
EX1 tried to scare me with weapons, so that knife was possibly the worst thing we could have found. I feel like history is repeating itself.
I'm trying to detach, as is my husband, but we don't know if we're doing the right thing. It hurts. A lot.
I should also mention that my younger child began to distance himself from us after getting involved with a girl a couple of years ago. I would call him estranged at this point. We haven't heard from him at all since the early part of December, and he has not acknowledged receipt of Xmas gifts, invitations to gatherings, text messages, etc. He was always my little buddy, a mama's boy. I miss him dearly. The girlfriend is the daughter of a former friend of mine. I feel like they might be poisoning his mind against us. He's always been a follower.
I miss both of my kids. This is not the way I envisioned the empty nest years. I have a poor relationship with my own parents and it's always been a horrible fear of mine that my kids will grow up hating me, and it seems like it's true with at least one of them. difficult child doesn't hate me, but I feel like I've failed him and my heart is just broken right now.
Thanks for reading.
I have a 22yo son (difficult child) and an 18yo son (former easy child). difficult child is the result of a brief and tumultuous marriage that occurred when I was 18. I married a guy I'd been with for six months (everyone warned me about him), ran away from home with him, and ended up joining the Navy. I will call this man EX1. EX1 has antisocial tendencies and was diagnosed as bipolar with a paranoid personality. He and I separated when difficult child was 8 months old; EX1 had finally lost his composure and become violent. I was going to a new duty station and I left him behind. Haven't seen him since 1992, although he still bothers me online from time to time (sent me a happy birthday message on Facebook).
I remarried and along came the next little boy, who was a easy child until recently. I will call his dad EX2. EX2 and I met in the Navy and he adopted difficult child a couple of years after we married. EX1's parental rights were terminated. EX2 and I were married for 12 years. He left me for another woman, finished out his Navy career, and retired a mere 8hrs away by car. He hasn't seen the boys in at least 4 yrs, and has only spoken to them a handful of times. Ignores Xmas, birthdays, etc. I don't know what the heck happened to him. Even my dad liked him, and my dad didn't like any of the guys I dated.
Anyhoo....I remarried again when the kids were 13 and 10. My husband is a sweet, supportive guy who has always been there for my boys and they have always gotten along, for which I'm grateful.
difficult child was an angry baby that never stopped crying, a toddler full of rage, and by the time he was of preschool age his dad (EX2) and I were burnt out. We took him to a therapist, did family therapy, etc. difficult child was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. The ODD diagnosis fit, but I've always been skeptical about the ADHD part. We did charts, stickers, therapy, the Feingold diet, medications, etc. Nothing has ever really helped.
When he was 13 he was diagnosed with sleep disorders, which run in my family. After treatment his mood improved quite a bit, and I sort of thought that maybe his a-hole behavior was due to a decade of sleep deprivation. I might add that he only acts out at home. Every once in a while he'd act up in public or at a friend's house when he was little, but as he got older he reined that in and other people only see a charming, intelligent, lovable guy.
Fast forward to the adult years....he has had a couple of jobs that last less than two months. He just stops going. He finished one semester at community college. The second semester he stopped going after Spring Break. He has anxiety and suffers from depression. He has been going to a psychiatrist and social worker for the past two years or so, and was taking Prozac. In November we bought a house and moved. He didn't respond very well to that. Packing and unpacking provoked enough anxiety that he simply couldn't (or wouldn't) do it. Since we moved in, he's been sitting in his unpacked room playing video games all hours of the day. He only showers about twice a week and lives in the same clothing for days, hoards dirty dishes and garbage in his room, etc. When I speak to him about his behavior, I'm "overbearing" and "harrassing" him.
He wanted to go to tractor trailer driving school. He started Dec. 2nd, loved it, and had a panic attack on Dec. 3rd and didn't go back. He was really excited about doing this, so I don't know why he panicked. He's very guarded with his feelings and doesn't talk about them, even to his doctors and therapists. They can't get info from him. I recently discovered that he had not been to see his doctors since July. He'd just been refilling his medications. His medications ran out about a month ago.
About two weeks ago, I had had it. I told him he needed to get the hell out of our house if he wasn't going to make an effort in life. His reaction was to take his Xmas money to the liquor store and get drunk in his room. I found him asleep with empty bottles of booze, beer, and sleeping aids next to him. I saw it as an opportunity to force him into therapy, so we called 911. After about an hour of cajoling, they took him out of the house by force and he was admitted to the psychiatric ward. When they took him out of here, husband and I went to clean up all the beer bottles and found a 10-inch long kitchen knife by the couch. difficult child managed to convince the doctors that nothing is wrong with him, and was discharged two days ago with no diagnosis, no medications, and a doctor's appointment. He tells me that the knife is because he was feeling unsafe in the new house. His BFF picked him up and he's staying with him for a few days. His BFF is my BFF's son, so this is awkward. He was told he could stay there until Friday. I don't know what he will do after that.
EX1 tried to scare me with weapons, so that knife was possibly the worst thing we could have found. I feel like history is repeating itself.
I'm trying to detach, as is my husband, but we don't know if we're doing the right thing. It hurts. A lot.
I should also mention that my younger child began to distance himself from us after getting involved with a girl a couple of years ago. I would call him estranged at this point. We haven't heard from him at all since the early part of December, and he has not acknowledged receipt of Xmas gifts, invitations to gatherings, text messages, etc. He was always my little buddy, a mama's boy. I miss him dearly. The girlfriend is the daughter of a former friend of mine. I feel like they might be poisoning his mind against us. He's always been a follower.
I miss both of my kids. This is not the way I envisioned the empty nest years. I have a poor relationship with my own parents and it's always been a horrible fear of mine that my kids will grow up hating me, and it seems like it's true with at least one of them. difficult child doesn't hate me, but I feel like I've failed him and my heart is just broken right now.
Thanks for reading.
