Nearly 4 months on.......

[Littleboylost]

Some of our Peter Pan kids are just incredibly lazy or unwilling to give up drugs.

My son has an inherently lazy streak and it is beyond both his father and I. We worked and obtained our educations on our own no help or financial support. We work and have always had time for great family connectivity. Where this dispondant lazy attitude comes from we just don't know. It crushes us.

We can but lead and they follow and grasp or they don't. I need to get through the tremendous disappointment and sadness of it all.

 

[Kathy813]

Sadness, I am not sure why you are even thinking about his moving back home. He was not successful while he was living at home. He got a wake up call when he was homeless and took steps to change his life. Moving back home would be moving backwards.

~Kathy

 

[BusynMember]

Moving back with us may make us feel better, but in all my years here, I have never read a saga that moving back with mom and dad improved an adult child's motivation or helped the adult grow up. Most regress around us.

 

[in a daze]

Have to echo what everyone else has said. From personal experience and professional advice we have been given, I would say it would not be a good idea for your son to return home.

 

[Lost in sadness]

My attitude is different.

I think we as mothers want to believe that our adult kids (and many 18 year olds are serving our country) want to come "home" (it is our home, not theirs) because they love us so much and want to be with us. I couldnt disagree more. A healthy young adult shows how much they love us by saying "you did such a great job that I can now leave the nest and be secure. Thanks for helping me grow up, Mom and Dad.i will still visit and love you, but I need to follow your example and make it on my own!"

When over 18s want to come home to mom and dad in my opinion it is usually not to get our love...they have that no matter where they are. It is usually to dodge bills, have us pay for them, do the laundry (all my kids, even autistic son) have done this since age twelve, and to also have extra money often to buy booze, drugs, and stay partying children.

Adult children resent our rules in general and tend to regress while living with parents. The parent/child dynamic tends to play out. It is not a good thing usually unless the adult is severely disabled and child like and willing to follow our rules.

It goes against what we wish (me too) that our adult children love us so much that they want to stay at our side. But that is not what adults truly want to do. Did you want to live with Mom at 19? 25? 30? Of course not. Did the fact that you wanted your independrnce mean you no longer loved your family? Of course not.

The norm is that young adults want independence. I feel that if they beg to come home it is not about us but them. They like the ease, the extra money, the meals, the delaying of growing up. It is not because they love us so much...they love us when they move on. All of my particular kids moved out by 20, even autistic son. All are self supporting. All call me and tell me they love me all the time. Even Bart, my hardest.

I dont think its smart (you can disagree) to encourage adults to come live with us. Unless we can tolerate their disobeying our rules. Unless we dont mind if they dont grow up.Even disabled adult kids, like my autistic son, need to learn how to access services and live on their own. We can not live forever. We must prepare them for that day.

At some point our adult kids stop needing a mommy who puts bandages on knees and needs a strong Mother, a friend, a rock, someone to talk to as they navigate life as independent adults. I would not bring an adult child back to us. It in my opinion does not serve anyone.

We can be Mom and be there for them without having them in our space. That doesnt help them. It doesnt help us. They need to be on their own. Blaming us for their problems is a manipulation. They are adults and need to get over it. Every person on earth has "problems." So what? Only that person can get help to get over them. Do all of us have no problems?

Did we live with Mom?

Off the soap box

I do agree with you. You speak wise words and so many of them are true. I suppose I still feel some kind of sadness, maybe guilt that he has been away from the family home for nearly two years now and I think he wants the stability and security of feeling he is wanted back as a true family member and I am not sure how I tell him that he probably can't do this when I stupidly promised he could!!

 

[Lost in sadness]

Have to echo what everyone else has said. From personal experience and professional advice we have been given, I would say it would not be a good idea for your son to return home.

Thank you. Deep down I know this. I enjoy feeling relaxed in my home and as much as I love him I know I won't feel this if he lived here. Its hard though. I was stupid to make promises but I guess I was "carrot dangling" to get some kind of action. I now feel I need an excuse to not honor it! x

 

[Lost in sadness]

I relate to that dynamic -- seeing positive signs as signposts and then experiencing something old that makes you feel like a chump.

Maybe the same thing that erases memories of the pain of childbirth, also erases memories of past disappointments and lets us reset our hopes.

Just a couple weeks ago, I started a post with "I spoke too soon.". And I've also thought many times that I don't want to jinx progress.

I'm glad you posted this. My son has also said things like "it's never enough
for you". I don't think that's true but considering the issue from a distance (thinking about your son instead) I can see how they would see it that way.

It seems like how they make us feel in interactions is as important as their markers of independence. We can only trust their progress If they sound right too.

That makes some sense, but it feels like there's something there that we need to work on.

Insecurities can make people acutely sensitive to competition in life.

Maybe they can never see a
way to get in front of our achievements and expectations?

Agreed. I do feel I can forgive and forget just so I can move on with my life. At the moment is feels ruined and destroyed by everything that has happened and deep down there is a lingering resentment. It baffles me that they have made their own choices but yet somehow still continue to proportion blame. It is them that appears unable to move on. I go over it in my mind and wonder what I got wrong, of course, I made mistakes and it continues to eat me up. Am I controlling? a little, did I get angry? yes, did I say things that were mean in anger? yes. I own my flaws. Sometimes he does but generally I think he feels he is like he is BECAUSE we threw him out and he had to see and do the things he did to survive. Our view is, we threw you out BECAUSE of his behaviour. I can see how he would feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, uncared about because yes, I cut him off at times. I never allowed him back. I allowed him to live out of bags sofa surfing, I allowed him to be hungry, and it hurts like hell. I wonder if mentally and emotionally he will ever truly get over it and in part I blame myself. xx

 

[RN0441]

Lost

Do NOT beat yourself up or feel guilty!! Stop it right now.

You love your son. You are trying to let him live with the consequences of his actions. That is what GOOD parents do!! We've all made mistakes and will continue to do so. It's hard to think straight when you're in the grips of this.

I'm finding that punishment doesn't work with my son. It makes no sense. He does not learn from his mistakes. He is bright but stupid.

We have promised our son also that after his 13 months in the faith based facility he is at he can come home but ONLY to either go to school or work or have some plan in place and NOT to live permanently. Husband felt if he is sober that long that we should let him. I am wondering if that was a wise "promise" to make also.

I can tell you right now that if I decide I don't want to do it, it won't happen. Unless I see a 100% turnaround it will not happen and I'll go back on my promise. Not that we won't help him in some way ONLY IF HE IS HELPING HIMSELF but probably not in my home. If I do go back on my promise I will not beat myself up. I just won't.

And if he yells and stomps?? Oh no. Sorry dude. Not happening.

 

[BusynMember]

22 year old men do not like to live at home uless it is to benefit their buying power, often drugs. Adults feel loved even out of the house. Did you want to be in your parents home at 22? Why or why not? I cant speak for anyone else, but I was eager to leave at 16. It is not normal for adults to want to be cocooned and taken care of by family. They are eager to start their own lives.

If your son comes home....more money for drugs. More responsibility he doesnt have to take. Less growing. Mom may cook or do laundry or buy him things, since he is there. It is easy.

They need to survive away from us in my opinion. Your son may be playing homesick just to pull at your heartstrings when what he really wants is what is easiest.

Ten year olds want to go home. They need our care, our loving arms, our guidance. Twenty year olds in my opinion want to come to us because they dont want to grow up. They want a roof and comfort without working. The mommy role is hard for us to give up when they are with us...so they bask in being a child again (and get angry if we have adult expetations) and we in turn become that mommy who needs to set our child on the right path...yet still do mommy things. Mixed messages. We clash. It is not good.

I feel it is way better if they know they have to make it as an adults. Also, one year of sobriety may seem like he has it licked, but I think it is more like five years. And he will have to be careful for the rest of his life. I dont think he knows that yet.

Hugs and stop the guilt. Guilt should not rent a room in your head. You are doing nothing but trying to launch him into clean and sober adulthood.

Only living in the real world will show you if Son has a sober mindset.

 

[Kathy813]

How will I ever tell him that. I should feel happy.

You tell him that you made a mistake when you promised that. You tell him that he does better when he lives on his own and you see that now. You tell him that 22-year-old men don't still live with their parents.

If he doesn't like it, that is his problem.

~Kathy

 

[Sam3]

Agreed. I do feel I can forgive and forget just so I can move on with my life. At the moment is feels ruined and destroyed by everything that has happened and deep down there is a lingering resentment. It baffles me that they have made their own choices but yet somehow still continue to proportion blame. It is them that appears unable to move on. I go over it in my mind and wonder what I got wrong, of course, I made mistakes and it continues to eat me up. Am I controlling? a little, did I get angry? yes, did I say things that were mean in anger? yes. I own my flaws. Sometimes he does but generally I think he feels he is like he is BECAUSE we threw him out and he had to see and do the things he did to survive. Our view is, we threw you out BECAUSE of his behaviour. I can see how he would feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, uncared about because yes, I cut him off at times. I never allowed him back. I allowed him to live out of bags sofa surfing, I allowed him to be hungry, and it hurts like hell. I wonder if mentally and emotionally he will ever truly get over it and in part I blame myself. xx

I could have written every word you did about my own son's blaming, deflection etc. and my cycle of guilt, pain, need to confirm the insanity of it, etc.

And I'm going to refer to myself here rather than give unsolicited advice.

I come here for empathy and validation among other things. We deserve that and that could be the end of it. But I also realize I need it to move through feeling brutalized, or I can't find equanimity in dealing with him.

I just can't feel sorry for myself and for him at the same time. I can rapidly cycle back and forth, but as soon as the attack is on, my defenses come up. It makes sense to me that fight or flight mode can't really support maternal feelings.

I want to be sure and gentle in keeping boundaries, and expressing faith. I think it's what the best therapists do and what mothers do when kids are in every other type of pain. I think setting up the cognitive dissonance may be useful to them. It's just that we're going first, with or without them, to this place of radical acceptance.

I think it will take a lot to get beyond my own resentment to that place.

I think I'm saying all this because it seems from your post that you expect it to go poorly if he comes home. And maybe it will. But if you go in with a feeling of dread, I think it's more likely that you will react instead of respond.

I also think it might be important to you to honor your promise with strength and an open heart.

 

[BusynMember]

Ask yourself a few questions.

1. What were doing at 22?

2. In all honestly, why do you feel he wants to live with you again? Be truthful.

3. Has it been easier for him to resist addiction at your home?

4. Is a promise, even if you know the outcome will be bad, worth keeping anyway?

5. In your gut, do you feel it will go well if he lives with you?

6. At his age do you believe he will participate in family activities or be out with "friends" more?

7. What is the worst thing that happens if you say "I gave it alot of thought and I am sorry but I changed my mind?"

We are allowed to change our minds. For our good. For theirs. You already know how it likely will turn out.

At any rate, he has never yet stayed sober even close to a year. A year free of adfiction is encouraging, but only the very start.

Take one day at a time
With addiction, thinking a year ahead is not helpful. He will be a different person if he has a sober mindset and may not even want to move into your home anymore.

Time is a great healer.

 

[Kathy813]

He will be a different person if he has a sober mindset and may not even want to move into your home anymore.

Yes! That is so true. My daughter's only goal when she was using was to move back home. It was easier than having to function like a real adult.

Once she got truly sober, it was the last thing that she wanted to do. She has a full time job, her own apartment with a roommate, goes to the gym every day, has a close group of friends in recovery, and is a sponsor for newbies in her NA group.

In fact, I hardly get to see her now since she is so busy living a healthy life. It is so different than when she was emotionally co-dependent with me.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

I am not thinking a year into the future. Just doesn't seem like a good idea.

We will take one day at a time like we always have.