Need Advice on Abandonment Issues

[stressedmama]

Devastated? I think she's relieved. Even though they were together for 3 years, I don't think the bond was very strong on her part. She was high almost the whole time.

She called me the other night (first time I've heard from her in weeks) to tell me about a 2nd part time job she got. Her full time job has been cut to part time so she was needing extra money. She could hear GS in the background and said she would get off the phone so I could go deal with him but never even asked how he was doing. I was not shocked at by all this.

husband seemed to be more upset that I didn't offer for GS to speak with her. I told him clearly difficult child was not interested and I was not going to ruin GS's night (or mine) by even suggesting it since he gets so upset and angry over her.

If it were my sole decision, there would never be any contact again between difficult child and GS. Clearly neither one of them have any interest.

I just can't wait to get in to see the therapist so husband can hear from her what's best for GS. I think husband will be shocked at what he hears.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Stressedmama, I get what you are talking about. I'm sorry, I know how disconcerting it can be. I think you were correct in your choice to not put your grandson on the phone.

My daughter would walk in to my home, right past her daughter's room and not say a word to her, she never asks about her to this day. I send pictures via text, I let my daughter know what her daughter is doing, but the disconnect between them is remarkable. I can look back and recall that before my daughter's husband committed suicide, life seemed normal, they all seemed connected, but after that, everything blew apart for everyone and my granddaughter was completely abandoned by both her parents, one physically, one emotionally.

She is impacted by these early events in ways now she will need to work out herself and my heart hurts for her at times, but it is her path, her destiny. When this all happened when my granddaughter was 3, I got her into therapy immediately. I recall one time talking to the therapist, I was devastated myself, we all were..........and the therapist said, "you never know how things are going to work themselves out, your granddaughter could grow up and become a psychologist specializing in working with people who lost a parent through suicide." I never forgot that. And, the interesting thing now is that my granddaughter is a freshman in college and she loves her Psychology class. She is also the kid all her friends turn to when they need counsel, she is wise beyond her years due to her early circumstances and she is able to have insight (in certain ways, in other ways she can be a typical defiant teenager!!)

Stressedmama, are you aware that grandparents raising their grandchildren is epidemic now? One of my granddaughter's therapists told me that, I was shocked, but it's true. If you do some research you might find resources for you. I found a terrific organization here where I live which offered a lot of support for grandparents which included help with guardianship, support groups, financial resources available through Social Services, just a lot of info. If you haven't already, you might look into that.

Hang in there. I really understand your story very well. It's my story too.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I would have to agree with you. Doesn't seem like it is even in his best interest to be with her. In a way, I can't help but wonder if that is easier. Here, difficult child cries about Connor and it makes me feel so bad. I know she is devastated and heartbroken. I know she will want to be back with him and I cringe when I think about the transition that will need to happen when it is time (NO rush - husband and I discussed this again and we do NOT want to do anything to mess his head up so we are going to tread very carefully about when that timing will be). I almost wonder if it would be easier knowing Connor was with us to stay and she would be out of the picture.

So, if I was in your shoes, I would definitely ask her to think long and hard about whether she wants to be a mother or not for HIS sake. If she doesn't, at least you know, you can get him help to get past the abandonment issues and he will grow up in a loving, stable home. It is the being in limbo that stinks...

husband and I came to the conclusion that we cannot be selfish when it comes to Connor and difficult child can't either. Yes, it is awful that she is missing his second year of life and she won't see him as often but she did create those circumstances. Yes, we have no life anymore besides work and Connor. BUT, he is the most important person in all of this and we think plucking him from the only home he has ever known (and he is beyond attached to me - I am his security blanket, I swear) and away from us would devastate him. Looking back we can see that when we thought he had separation anxiety, it was actually abandonment issues, because that behavior has been gone a while now. To put him through that again, even though he would be with his mother, I think would traumatize him.

Again - I really really wish we lived close!!!

 

[stressedmama]

I wished we lived closer as well!

Boy, this is turning into a really bad day. easy child 2 (with 2 yr old GD) just lost her job today. She works with husband and I..yes, a family affair, so to speak. husband and I are the 2 top producing people in the company and they never really wanted to hire easy child 2 but did. When she left for deployment on leave of absence, they tried to write her up for not hitting her quota for the month but she was only here for 1/2 the month so we got that quashed. When she came back from deployment, they didn't want her back but had no choice, legally. Instead, they raised her quota and gave her a file made up of crap. I know this because husband and I are part of the management team and are privy to information. And some of it I find out through other managers if the GM chooses not to share. I am so irate right now I could scream. husband had to talk me out of walking out this afternoon.

One more level of stress I don't need right now. Unemployment isn't going to cover her bills till she finds another job so it will end up falling on us to help her out. She already had more month than money with her full-time job.

I wish I liked wine...

 

[2much2recover]

In my situation, respecting the kids wishes made them feel listened to and empowered them. The older 2 of the kids tell me that immediately after the adoption, they felt safe. Basically it was the constant "what if" of her calling, of her visits, of her getting custody, etc. that created the majority of their fears, unease, and behaviors at that time.

I would suspect that this is what is going on with your 3 year old GS as well as it seems from what you are saying he gets in trouble (anger acting out) after he has any contact with her. Seems he needs reassurance that even if he sees her, that it does not mean his loving, safe place is going to be taken away from him. I wouldn't schedule anything for your daughter and GS until the therapist OKs it. Such a sad situation. Bless you for being there for this precious child.