Need advice

[louise2350]

Hello Everyone!! I haven't been on for a while. A new problem has arisen so thought I'd write about it in hopes of gaining peace.
My niece whom I never hear from contacted me a while ago and asked me why my daughter said that she doesn't have me in her life anymore. My niece asked my d.d. how I was on a message board that they are both on and that was my daughter's reply "I don't know because I don't have my mother in my life anymore.. My niece knew nothing about my d.d. and her estrangement. I cried when I heard my d.d. would say this to a stranger as my niece and d.d. only have seen each other a few times growing up. My niece is several years older than my d.d. I told my niece the ridiculous reason of what started all of this - my d.d. didn't like a message I sent to her 4 years ago, telling her to stop posting certain things online. My niece couldn't get over that my d.d. was holding this against me for 4 years and neither can I. My d.d. is a functioning alcoholic, so I know this has a lot to do with her thinking and reasoning as alcoholism affects certain parts of the brain as everyone knows. However, I am not going to reveal all of this to my niece who is being very nosy in my opinion. I have no relationship with this niece - she lives far away and I haven't seen her since I attended her father's funeral (my brother) - before that we had no contact for years. Anyway, since the first time I heard from this niece she called me again the other night. I thought it was a telemarketing call and let it go to voicemail. When I played the message from my niece, she said she had to ask me a question and discuss something with me. It was late at night and I just didn't want to be discussing my problems with my d.d. with this niece I don't have any relationship with, etc, so I didn't call back. I felt guilty a little for not answering my niece but I was 99% sure her wanting to talk to me had to do with my d.d. so I messaged this niece and told her I received her phone message but am not calling her as I don't want to talk about my estranged daughter to her if this is the reason she called me. I then went on to say that I don't want to hurt her (my niece) feelings but I get very upset over this situation and don't want to discuss it. I wished my niece the best since she's having a tough time right now which she posts diligently on fb. My niece got my online message and read it but never replied to me. So, obviously, it had to do with what I suspected she wanted to discuss - my d.d. If it didn't have to do with that, my niece wouldn't hold back and would clearly reply to me and tell me that she didn't want to discuss this d.d. with me but something else. So, I'm glad I handled all of that the way I did. The problem is my d.d. is in touch with all of my nieces of fb and I'm sure she's telling stories about me and spreading lies which I have no control over. I've already found out one lie my d.d told my son-in-law which not a word of it is true. How do you put to rest all of this and find peace? I know I can't control the lies my daughter may be spreading to my relatives about me, but at the same time I don't like that I can't defend myself. I could've told this niece not to believe my d.d. if she's saying negative things about me and that this d.d is an alcoholic who's personality has taken a turn for the worst. But, my d.d. is still my daughter and I feel as I'm betraying her by stating this truth. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Blindsided]

Hello Everyone!! I haven't been on for a while. A new problem has arisen so thought I'd write about it in hopes of gaining peace.
My niece whom I never hear from contacted me a while ago and asked me why my daughter said that she doesn't have me in her life anymore. My niece asked my d.d. how I was on a message board that they are both on and that was my daughter's reply "I don't know because I don't have my mother in my life anymore.. My niece knew nothing about my d.d. and her estrangement. I cried when I heard my d.d. would say this to a stranger as my niece and d.d. only have seen each other a few times growing up. My niece is several years older than my d.d. I told my niece the ridiculous reason of what started all of this - my d.d. didn't like a message I sent to her 4 years ago, telling her to stop posting certain things online. My niece couldn't get over that my d.d. was holding this against me for 4 years and neither can I. My d.d. is a functioning alcoholic, so I know this has a lot to do with her thinking and reasoning as alcoholism affects certain parts of the brain as everyone knows. However, I am not going to reveal all of this to my niece who is being very nosy in my opinion. I have no relationship with this niece - she lives far away and I haven't seen her since I attended her father's funeral (my brother) - before that we had no contact for years. Anyway, since the first time I heard from this niece she called me again the other night. I thought it was a telemarketing call and let it go to voicemail. When I played the message from my niece, she said she had to ask me a question and discuss something with me. It was late at night and I just didn't want to be discussing my problems with my d.d. with this niece I don't have any relationship with, etc, so I didn't call back. I felt guilty a little for not answering my niece but I was 99% sure her wanting to talk to me had to do with my d.d. so I messaged this niece and told her I received her phone message but am not calling her as I don't want to talk about my estranged daughter to her if this is the reason she called me. I then went on to say that I don't want to hurt her (my niece) feelings but I get very upset over this situation and don't want to discuss it. I wished my niece the best since she's having a tough time right now which she posts diligently on fb. My niece got my online message and read it but never replied to me. So, obviously, it had to do with what I suspected she wanted to discuss - my d.d. If it didn't have to do with that, my niece wouldn't hold back and would clearly reply to me and tell me that she didn't want to discuss this d.d. with me but something else. So, I'm glad I handled all of that the way I did. The problem is my d.d. is in touch with all of my nieces of fb and I'm sure she's telling stories about me and spreading lies which I have no control over. I've already found out one lie my d.d told my son-in-law which not a word of it is true. How do you put to rest all of this and find peace? I know I can't control the lies my daughter may be spreading to my relatives about me, but at the same time I don't like that I can't defend myself. I could've told this niece not to believe my d.d. if she's saying negative things about me and that this d.d is an alcoholic who's personality has taken a turn for the worst. But, my d.d. is still my daughter and I feel as I'm betraying her by stating this truth. Any advice would be appreciated.

I posted a while back on this topic. My d.d. was telling her father's (deceased) sister-in-law a lot of nonsense. Her aunt reached out to me. The short version is I tried to fill her in on my d.d. the aunt then wanted me to be part of an intervention, even after I told her my therapist said never again, as my d d. came at me with a clothing rack with rage in one attempt to get her help. Aunt S said to me "you are going to watch her die an agonizing 'costly ' death. I tried to explain our boundaries and why. I shared the text with my son and he came unglued. He let her know (she is his aunt too) she has no idea what we have all been through to try to help d.d. the last 15 years and to leave me out of it. She told him to tell me she didnt mean to "hurt my feelings". Seriously? It cut me to the core and set me back in my coping. It was those here and my close friends, and family who helped me see aunt S is no more than a busy body. I havent heard anymore about an intervention, but d.d. let me know in no uncertain terms, that aunt S has been there for her, and when she is at the end, it will be said aunt letting me know and d.d. wants nothing to do with me. Of course, several weeks later there was a request for money, which I ignored. Wonder if she hit up good old aunt S?

The message I am trying to relate is you did the right thing. We cant control what people do on social media, but we can control the narrative by not looking at it. The people who really know are the only ones I take advice from.

Drama is not healthy and that's all it is. Give yourself a gold star for not reacting emotionally. Great job seeing things objectively.

In healing

 

[BusynMember1]

I don't do FB or read Kay's FB. She also lies about me and a few cousins are her FB friends so I'm sure what she says gets around. My family doesn't talk about it with me as I told them I did not want to know.

This niece is not close to you. You don't owe her anything.I would not talk to her again. I would let it go and not bring this up to anyone. No one who will spread gossip.

I would also join Al Anon where you CAN let it out and the people there will know exactly what you mean and many will have had similar experiences with loved ones. Functional or not, alcoholism messes up your thinking. This explains to me how your daughter can do this to you. Substances of all sorts make people so unpleasant and difficult.

Blessings to you and remember that those who REALLY know you and love you don't believe her FB lies, and those who don't really know you don't matter.

 

[louise2350]

After all that drama with my niece I did talk to my brother about it. I told him my d.d hasn't spoken to me in 4 years and told him how it all started. I then told him about our niece and her nosiness in all of this. He said, too, that I did the right thing in how I replied to the niece and that I was nice about it. My brother's daughter has a problem with alcohol/drugs too and my brother has actually blocked any calls he gets from her. Thanks for your input. I can't control all of this, but am doing better than I was before. I enjoy letting it out here as I could discuss all of this with a counselor. but honestly, I don't think I'd get as good feedback as I do here since we're all experiencing similar problems with our children.