Love my Son.... and to each one of you who have prayed and/or offered me support. It was absolutely the right decision not to bail my son out and I think he knows it too--although he is still trying to get me or others to bail him out so that he continue his recovery on the outside. I told him that he needs to have a solid plan in place and that the housing piece could not happen in my home. That would just not work, especially not with recovery from heroin. He needs a solid, professional recovery plan that is supported by the courts. I will not agree to being a part of his recovery in any kind of up close and personal way outside of those jail walls, unless he has a step-by-step plan. I know he'd like to think that bailing him out and staying with me (or a buddy's house where they "just smoke pot") will work, but it's just too risky. After 2 weeks of solid support in the form of visiting him at jail, writing letters to judges, ongoing communication with his attorney & his chemical dependency case manager and taking calls continuously from my son (as I was able around my work schedule) combined with the disappointment of him not being released to make his bed date on the 7th), I came home from work on Friday and just crawled in bed and buried my head under the covers. I was done! To let you know how exhausted I was, this all happened just a week after I'd made a road trip from Seattle to Los Angeles to support my daughter and "love of my life" 13 year old granddaughter for a surgical procedure she had at UCLA for a neurological condition that was recently diagnosed (my granddaughter). I also stopped on the way back home to see my 90 year old mother near Yosemite, since her health is failing and I may not get another chance to see her again. A 2,200 mile drive all by itself is exhausting. I had just gotten settled back in at work, and had to face all of these last 17 days immediately after. Friday night, I just hit a wall!
I am happy to report that I got up on yesterday morning and said, "enough of this crazy-making chaos, I'm going to get back on track and take care of ME!". I turned my phone off, slept in, started exercising again (after 17 days of no activity and a 5 lb weight gain and an increase in my blood pressure), loaded up with lots of veggies and fruits, went to church, lounged in bed and read every uplifting and life-affirming thing I could get my hands one, and then cleaned my living space from top to bottom!
Here's the best part: This morning, just before visiting hours at the jail, I went and withdrew $40 from HIS account, put it on the books for any little needs he might have, and opted not to visit him, and chose to write him a note instead. In the note, I told him that I love him and that I fully support the treatment plan he is working on, but I was not willing to continue the visits and constant calling to pressure and guilt me into bailing him out. I told him that this was not productive for either of us and that I had made a decision to manage my anxiety and my health by getting back to caring for myself and taking care of my responsibilities at home and work. I suggested he do the same for himself.
The BEST, best part is when I took the advice of a kind new friend on this message board. I told him that this was HIS JOURNEY, and that he alone is responsible for it. A tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders after I wrote those words.
Repeated the Serenity Prayer outloud all day, wherever I was, over and over. I have that verse plastered all over my house but today, stepped up to the challenge and decided to walk the talk, and put those words into practice.
.
A day at a time. Today is a better day. Thank you all!
