Thanks so much for all your responses. I wrote this, then was off line for a while. Imagine my surprise when I checked in to find all this activity. There are some excellent suggestions here.
Hi Shes. Welcome.
Remember intermittent responding with a reward (giving in) is the worst. That is, only occasionally rewarding her behavior. That has been shown to result in the most persistent and enduring misbehavior, to achieve the occasional reward.
It seems like your daughter has gotten a power position in the family and it is this that needs to be addressed.
She has the power to make the entire house angry and upset. She has the power to make our lives a living hell. She has the power to stress myself and my husband to the point of OUR wanting to run away!
I totally understand about intermittent rewards being very reinforcing. The problem lies in her persistent/frequent attitudinal behavior. She wears us down so much that we'll do almost anything to buy a little peace. It's especially bad now that she is home all the time.
I'm guessing she wants "yes" or "no"... right this absolute minute, right?
Try putting in a time factor. Don't answer "yes" or "no". Tell her you will think about it.
She is spending your money and your time. Are there ways to make it so she is spending HER money and HER time?
I like this idea and we will be implementing it. She is getting a job, so she will have more of her own money. She has no ability to save money. It is almost pathological the way she HAS to spend any money she has as soon as possible.
I would just say "no." No is a complete sentence. If she screams and yells like a little kid, use your discipline of choice.
This is where we have run into problems. A simple no can combust into an all-day screamfest, consequences be d*mned. She has no sense of self-preservation when she is in this state. One day she ran away because we would not get her a chinchilla.
For him, it wasn't about attention or control, but something to soothe his anxiety and bipolar boredom and Aspie obsession. Then he would become fixated on buying something that was going to be the magic thing that would make him feel good again. He would get really agitated and talk constantly for days about the desired object. He wanted to get it NOW. If we used any stalling tactics like saying we would think about it, he would continue to obsess until he got a final yes or no answer. If it was yes, he was deliriously happy, we were the most wonderful parents in the world! That would last a few weeks or sometimes just a few days and then he was no longer interested in it and started obsessing about the next thing he wanted to buy. Several times he sold expensive electronics that he had recently bought with birthday money for just a few dollars because he wanted the money immediately for his next obsession. We worked really hard to limit gifts to things he couldn't sell, but family members weren't always cooperative.
If the answer was no, he would fly into a violent rage, screaming, crying, complaining that we were persecuting him and often physical violence that would last for several hours. He would be out of sorts and yell at us for several days. Then it would be like a switch was flipped and he would light up and start talking about his next obsession.
YEARS of therapy and changes of tactics on our part did NOTHING to change this. He still has very little self awareness or personal insight. Any bad mood is blamed on some external factor or someone else's behavior. However, these behaviors were greatly reduced three years ago when he was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and placed on a combination of lithium and antipsychotics. He has occasional flair ups, but only a few times a year instead of a few times a week.
So based our experience, my advice would be to figure out what is behind her behavior. Is it entitlement and manipulation, which can be changed by changing strategies on your part - delaying, removing yourselves when she acts out, so there is no reward. However, if you think it might be a brain imbalance or mood disorder, extensive testing and possibly medication will be needed to change this dynamic.
This sound very familiar. I have suggested to her that she engages in "Retail Therapy" on a regular basis. She of course denies this, having little insight. She uses buying as her answer to boredom, angst, poor self-esteem, etc, etc. It often does not matter what is being bought.
She also does the black and white response to our parenting. If she gets a positive response to a request, she is overjoyed, pleasant, helpful, a real member of the family. If she gets a "no", then all bets are off. We are terrible parents, we never compromise, we never do anything for her, we only think about ourselves, and on and on. . . Her mouth has no filter, she'll say any mean thing she can think of, most of which I'm sure she does not mean.
It is very hard to tease out the cause of/motivation behind her behavior. It sure feels like manipulation, but there is also loss of control. If it were just manipulation, she would not keep going to the point of losing access to all her electronics.
I have a 16 year old with Asperger's so I GET THIS.
I would do something very specific that she must do every time she requests something.
And put it in writing, and make her sign that she understands!
For Instance:
1) ALL REQUESTS MUST BE MADE NO LESS THAN 24 HOURS IN ADVANCE, IN WRITING.
2) Fill out "Request Form" completely and legibly, and put form in basket.
3) Your Father and I will review the form and let you know our decision.
4) There will be no discussions before, during, or after the form is filled out.
5) There will be no arguments about our decision. If you argue or cause drama in any way, there will be no further requests granted for 48 hours.
Also: Make a form for her to fill out, with all the details of date, beginning time, ending time, cost, how she plans to pay, who she will be with, etc.
This is what I would do!
(of course you'll need to modify it to meet your needs)
I absolutely love this! I will implement this immediately.