I dont post often any more, but could really use some advice about my Youngest difficult child. The background: she is 20, and is living with me (in my 2 bedroom apartment) along with her son, my 13 month old grandson. She has been on the Section 8 list for over a year, and is very close to finally receiving her voucher (#3 on the list). She works, but only makes $7.25 an hour as a day care teacher. She finally filed for child support a couple of months ago, and is in a holding/waiting pattern for that, as well, as it slowly works its way through the court system. Not sure shell get much, as the babys father is currently working under the table and cant even produce a paystub, but hopefully shell get something. The babys father is abusive and controlling, and their relationship scares the heck out of me, but that is another post entirely. He is currently banned from my property after several calls to the police resulted in her refusing to press charges, and them not seeing enough evidence of abuse to do anything.
She has it pretty darn good. Because she makes so little, I let her pay me when she can usually about $100 a month for car insurance, cell phone, and rent. When she runs out of money between paychecks I sometimes buy Aidan (grandson) diapers and baby food. He is receiving Medicaid, but she let the WIC lapse. She does plan on getting food stamps when she moves into her apartment (right now, they count my income as household income, so she cant get food assistance). She drives a car that belongs to me (its paid for). She is off and on again with medication compliance, does see a therapist and psychiatrist semi-regularly through the county. Her moods are directly tied to the relationship with the babys father, when hes back in the picture, she is nasty and moody. She suffers from incredibly high anxiety, with or without him. The anxiety can be downright crippling at times. I worry about her ability to live alone and be self-sufficient, but shes got to try. Again, a subject for another post.
Anyway. My immediate issue is the lack of responsibility she takes around the house (apartment), and the ungrateful attitude. She complains about how messy my apartment is, but does nothing to help clean. 95% of the mess is hers and Aidans baby clothes, toys, her clothes, everywhere. Dirty diapers overflow in her room (ew). Her bathroom is filthy, and she constantly leaves clothes on the floor. She borrows my makeup and doesnt put it back. She complains theres nothing to eat, yet when I grocery shop, I purposely ask her what shed like me to buy .. .sometimes give her money to go shopping for us. It doesnt matter. She wont do the dishes, take out the trash, or vacuum or dust, yet she complains about ALL of those things not being done. I feel like I have a nagging husband (again).
Lately, Ive just given up. I wont even clean any more. Its not my mess. I dont care. I dont have people over any more. I go out as much as I can, I dread going home. Its like Im just biding my time till shes out. Talking to her calmly doesnt help, nagging doesnt help, nothing helps. I've tried putting stuff into her room, but it's already such a mess ... there's hardly any room for her to sleep in there (and Aidan sleeps in there, too, of course). If it were just her, Id kick her out in a heartbeat. I cant do that to Aidan. The only place she could go with him would be a homeless shelter, and I just cant do that to my grandson. We have no extended family, and the family of the babys father is not an option. Could I take my grandson? Maybe. Honestly, as much as I love him, that option terrifies me as well. I want MY life, finally.
Yes, Ive created this monster. I take full responsibility. Ive let it go on too long, and its only gotten worse. Ive dug myself this hole. But now what? Do I clean the apartment anyway, and just be the maid until theyre gone? Do I give some kind of consequence if she doesnt do what I ask her to do? If so, WHAT? Take her cellphone, her car, and leave her with no way to get to work? Is there a middle ground somewhere? For those of you with grandchild and difficult children, how do you detach from the difficult child craziness while protecting the grandchild? Such a tough line.
Suggestions are welcome. Please.
She has it pretty darn good. Because she makes so little, I let her pay me when she can usually about $100 a month for car insurance, cell phone, and rent. When she runs out of money between paychecks I sometimes buy Aidan (grandson) diapers and baby food. He is receiving Medicaid, but she let the WIC lapse. She does plan on getting food stamps when she moves into her apartment (right now, they count my income as household income, so she cant get food assistance). She drives a car that belongs to me (its paid for). She is off and on again with medication compliance, does see a therapist and psychiatrist semi-regularly through the county. Her moods are directly tied to the relationship with the babys father, when hes back in the picture, she is nasty and moody. She suffers from incredibly high anxiety, with or without him. The anxiety can be downright crippling at times. I worry about her ability to live alone and be self-sufficient, but shes got to try. Again, a subject for another post.
Anyway. My immediate issue is the lack of responsibility she takes around the house (apartment), and the ungrateful attitude. She complains about how messy my apartment is, but does nothing to help clean. 95% of the mess is hers and Aidans baby clothes, toys, her clothes, everywhere. Dirty diapers overflow in her room (ew). Her bathroom is filthy, and she constantly leaves clothes on the floor. She borrows my makeup and doesnt put it back. She complains theres nothing to eat, yet when I grocery shop, I purposely ask her what shed like me to buy .. .sometimes give her money to go shopping for us. It doesnt matter. She wont do the dishes, take out the trash, or vacuum or dust, yet she complains about ALL of those things not being done. I feel like I have a nagging husband (again).
Lately, Ive just given up. I wont even clean any more. Its not my mess. I dont care. I dont have people over any more. I go out as much as I can, I dread going home. Its like Im just biding my time till shes out. Talking to her calmly doesnt help, nagging doesnt help, nothing helps. I've tried putting stuff into her room, but it's already such a mess ... there's hardly any room for her to sleep in there (and Aidan sleeps in there, too, of course). If it were just her, Id kick her out in a heartbeat. I cant do that to Aidan. The only place she could go with him would be a homeless shelter, and I just cant do that to my grandson. We have no extended family, and the family of the babys father is not an option. Could I take my grandson? Maybe. Honestly, as much as I love him, that option terrifies me as well. I want MY life, finally.
Yes, Ive created this monster. I take full responsibility. Ive let it go on too long, and its only gotten worse. Ive dug myself this hole. But now what? Do I clean the apartment anyway, and just be the maid until theyre gone? Do I give some kind of consequence if she doesnt do what I ask her to do? If so, WHAT? Take her cellphone, her car, and leave her with no way to get to work? Is there a middle ground somewhere? For those of you with grandchild and difficult children, how do you detach from the difficult child craziness while protecting the grandchild? Such a tough line.
Suggestions are welcome. Please.
