21-year-old pregnant, we are overwhelmed

[SeekinghopeNZ]

I've found tremendous support in this forum on a difficult topic that many can't relate to. The detachment article was so powerful to read. Our 21-year-old daughter, L, has subjected us to years of emotional, financial abuse, and even physical threats. Despite moving out at 18 and us supporting her through various living and job situations, her behavior has spiraled, including abusing our family's generosity, failing to maintain any job and rent responsibilities, and accumulating piles of debt. Throughout this whole period, the breakdown of trust has been enormous and she is well and truly stuck in "victim" thinking. She has never once taken responsibility. It is all someone else's fault and we are the world's worst parents who have completely let her down.

L moved to Australia, hoping for a fresh start, but fell into old patterns, relying on my sister's support and refusing to return to New Zealand. Despite multiple attempts to help her become independent, including setting her up in new apartments and jobs, it all fell apart again. We have spent thousands. Last year she came back to New Zealand at our cost, and once again had a new place and a new job. 4 months in it all hit the fan and she abandoned her job and flat leaving piles of debt. We said no more. The bank of mum and dad is closed. She was so angry that we were "leaving her homeless" that she cut contact. We saw through social media posts that she returned to Australia and was living the fast-party life of clubbing, casinos and criminality. The severed contact with us was a respite and gave us the time to get counseling and start to restore our marriage and to see that we can no longer rescue or fix things for L. However, a week ago she reached out to say she is 18 weeks pregnant and seeking our support again. Her words were " You say you will support me. What support can you give me if the father steps away?'

My husband and I are divided on how to respond.

I have recognized I am the rescuer and I have done a lot of work on setting boundaries this part year. But this is a whole new level. L is completely incapable of looking after a child. I feel compelled to provide her and her unborn child a safe haven, but I also agree with my husband who says it is 100% not an option as it would only lead to us shouldering all responsibilities and our home becoming a place of tension and dysfunction. L's poor credit and debt in New Zealand pose significant obstacles to her securing housing, though she would have access to substantial services and benefits if she returned. She seems inclined to stay in Australia for the child's citizenship benefits, despite having no job or stable living situation, and there are signs she might be involved in criminal activities to get by. She has got support from a youth-focused service that helps people at risk of homelessness. I know that our friends and family would believe we should take L and the baby in, but my husband says it would jeopardize our marriage and any chance we have of caring for our own well-being and financial future. He says the social services need to get involved and the child might end up in foster care. I'm torn, fearing both for my daughter and grandchild's well-being and for the health of my marriage and my own mental state. How do I detach in this situation when another life is part of the picture?

 

[lovemysons]

Seekinghope…

I really feel for you I do but I think your husband is right on this one unless you plan on raising the baby. But I would not let your daughter back in your house if I were you.
It doesn’t sound to me like your daughter has changed. She’s just in a new kind of crisis that involves a child.

Honestly this may be the fork in the road L needs to take a close look at her life and see how she got here and where she intends to go from here.

It is not up to you in my opinion to rescue her regardless of the baby. And one can only hope she’s not still partying while pregnant now as that can create behavioral problems in the child.

I know you must be torn and feel like you need to do something but I think it is your daughter who needs to step up not you. And I wouldn’t do anything that might jeopardize your marriage.

If I were you I think I would gently suggest to your daughter that she might consider adoption as an option. As you have already stated she is not capable of looking after a child and it doesn’t sound like you and your husband are in a position to raise another one.

I say all of this with 3 grandchildren of my own who I love dearly but given they way they have been raised because of their parents addiction problems and mental illness issues etc Never taking complete responsibility to run a household or anything and now my son has passed away….but I would have rather my grandchildren have gone to adopted parents who would be responsible and provide structure and opportunities to have a future. Love is more than blood ties.

Currently 2 out of 3 of my grandchildren have very little education, no structure, and no opportunities for their futures. I recently tried to gain guardianship of them and Child Protective Services found no fault with the mom so I am at a loss right now for them. But bottom line is as much as I love my grandchildren I would much rather have known that they would be well-cared for then to exist in the state they’re in today.

Sometimes the measure of love is not comfortable for anyone but necessary for the well-being of everyone involved.

Just try and keep in mind that your daughter has options. You are not her only hope.
And maybe just maybe she’ll do the right thing for the sake of the baby.

Your situation is in my prayers.
LMS

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hello Seeking and welcome. Such a horrible position your daughter has put you in but, there are other ways she could go about getting help for this child. In Florida where I live there are many services for pregnant teens from adoption, shelters, teaching her how to cope with a baby and responsibilities. Instead of helping her with a home and money, maybe tell her of services in your area? Lovemysons really did give the best advice on this and I agree with what she said. I would be in the same position if my daughter ever became pregnant, it would ruin not only our marriage but, both of us individually…..I could not take on a baby. Will keep you all in my prayers.

I had to edit this, such a horrible thought but needs to be considered. Is there proof she is pregnant? We knew of a young girl who told our son she was pregnant just to keep him as they were breaking up. Come to find out, was a huge lie. Shocked me someone would stoop that low but, she would have done anything to have him I guess.

Big hugs!

 

[Crayola14]

I don’t know what ages you and your husband are. You both will end up raising the child unless he or she is given up for adoption. As you get older, that would be financially difficult because you want to retire at some point. It would also cause too much tension and harm to your relationship with your husband. It could also be detrimental to your health. Also, the generation gap is going to result in arguments and differences of opinion between you and the grandchild. The three of you might not get along very well.

I think adoption is the best thing for the child, especially if you think your daughter isn’t capable of raising a child. It sounds like the father may not contribute financially or in any other capacity.

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

Seekinghope…

I really feel for you I do but I think your husband is right on this one unless you plan on raising the baby. But I would not let your daughter back in your house if I were you.
It doesn’t sound to me like your daughter has changed. She’s just in a new kind of crisis that involves a child.

Honestly this may be the fork in the road L needs to take a close look at her life and see how she got here and where she intends to go from here.

It is not up to you in my opinion to rescue her regardless of the baby. And one can only hope she’s not still partying while pregnant now as that can create behavioral problems in the child.

I know you must be torn and feel like you need to do something but I think it is your daughter who needs to step up not you. And I wouldn’t do anything that might jeopardize your marriage.

If I were you I think I would gently suggest to your daughter that she might consider adoption as an option. As you have already stated she is not capable of looking after a child and it doesn’t sound like you and your husband are in a position to raise another one.

I say all of this with 3 grandchildren of my own who I love dearly but given they way they have been raised because of their parents addiction problems and mental illness issues etc Never taking complete responsibility to run a household or anything and now my son has passed away….but I would have rather my grandchildren have gone to adopted parents who would be responsible and provide structure and opportunities to have a future. Love is more than blood ties.

Currently 2 out of 3 of my grandchildren have very little education, no structure, and no opportunities for their futures. I recently tried to gain guardianship of them and Child Protective Services found no fault with the mom so I am at a loss right now for them. But bottom line is as much as I love my grandchildren I would much rather have known that they would be well-cared for then to exist in the state they’re in today.

Sometimes the measure of love is not comfortable for anyone but necessary for the well-being of everyone involved.

Just try and keep in mind that your daughter has options. You are not her only hope.
And maybe just maybe she’ll do the right thing for the sake of the baby.

Your situation is in my prayers.
LMS

Thank you for your kind words and we followed up with our daughter to say that she needs to have an honest conversation with her case worker about her situation and consider foster or adoption as the best thing to do for the child. L has replied that she is going to keep the baby. We asked if we could talk to the caseworker but she hasn't agreed to that as yet. What makes this all extra hard is that she is in another country.

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

Hello Seeking and welcome. Such a horrible position your daughter has put you in but, there are other ways she could go about getting help for this child. In Florida where I live there are many services for pregnant teens from adoption, shelters, teaching her how to cope with a baby and responsibilities. Instead of helping her with a home and money, maybe tell her of services in your area? Lovemysons really did give the best advice on this and I agree with what she said. I would be in the same position if my daughter ever became pregnant, it would ruin not only our marriage but, both of us individually…..I could not take on a baby. Will keep you all in my prayers.

I had to edit this, such a horrible thought but needs to be considered. Is there proof she is pregnant? We knew of a young girl who told our son she was pregnant just to keep him as they were breaking up. Come to find out, was a huge lie. Shocked me someone would stoop that low but, she would have done anything to have him I guess.

Big hugs!

Thank you for your response - it is so encouraging to hear from others. My only slight comfort that helps me sleep (somewhat) at night is that she seems to be getting some service support where she is. It is extra challenging that she is in a completely different country to us. I think she is doing this so that the baby has the citizenship. An extra layer of stress is that my sister lives in the same city she is in. I haven't told my sister yet. All I want is for L to come back to New Zealand so she can get full access to the right services she can get here. What she can't seem to grasp is that she entitled to so much more here, but only if the baby is born here. The proof of pregnancy made me smile - it seems that us CD parents have to think the same way ..... first thing I asked for was proof because this is something she has lied about before. She sent me the doctors report.

 

[New Leaf]

Aloha Seekinghope,
So sorry for your need to be here but so very glad you found us. You have received some good responses so far.
I know personally how difficult it is to have an adult wayward child living far off the normal path and pregnant.
It is heart wrenching.

Our 21-year-old daughter, L, has subjected us to years of emotional, financial abuse, and even physical threats. Despite moving out at 18 and us supporting her through various living and job situations, her behavior has spiraled, including abusing our family's generosity, failing to maintain any job and rent responsibilities, and accumulating piles of debt.

I’m sorry you have been down this road. It is so hard to live through, watching our loved ones spiraling downward and trying everything to stop the craziness. My late hubs and I went into rescue mode for years and things just kept getting worse.

she is well and truly stuck in "victim" thinking.

This is a hallmark for most of our wayward adult kids out there. It is everyone else’s fault.

She has never once taken responsibility. It is all someone else's fault and we are the world's worst parents who have completely let her down.

My two daughters blamed me for their circumstances, and for a time, I would review my parenting mistakes wishing I had done better. This is a manipulative tactic to keep us from focusing on what really is going on- our kids repeatedly making bad choices and not wanting to suffer the consequences, or the guilt, so they blame us. If we blame ourselves and feel guilt ridden, we are more vulnerable and likely to finance or house them. It’s a vicious cycle, if we buy into it. The answer I give my kids now is that I did the best I could with what I knew. We are not perfect. Just parents who love their children.

The bank of mum and dad is closed. She was so angry that we were "leaving her homeless" that she cut contact. We saw through social media posts that she returned to Australia and was living the fast-party life of clubbing, casinos and criminality.

Good. Bank closed. Your daughter was taking advantage of your generosity. Not fair and not right.

The severed contact with us was a respite and gave us the time to get counseling and start to restore our marriage and to see that we can no longer rescue or fix things for L.

I’m glad you were able to take that time out to get counseling. It is hard to see the big picture when we are deeply mobilized to fix things for years. It is good to have guidance.

However, a week ago she reached out to say she is 18 weeks pregnant and seeking our support again. Her words were " You say you will support me. What support can you give me if the father steps away?'

Good Lord, the entitlement is off the charts.

My only slight comfort that helps me sleep (somewhat) at night is that she seems to be getting some service support where she is.

This is what helped me too, Seeking. Knowing that my daughters can get help if they choose to.

All I want is for L to come back to New Zealand so she can get full access to the right services she can get here. What she can't seem to grasp is that she entitled to so much more here, but only if the baby is born here.

This is tough, because it is all completely up to your daughter to decide. No matter how sensible something is to us, our daughters will choose as they wish. That sounds harsh, but it is real. Unfortunately.

I know that our friends and family would believe we should take L and the baby in, but my husband says it would jeopardize our marriage and any chance we have of caring for our own well-being and financial future. He says the social services need to get involved and the child might end up in foster care. I'm torn, fearing both for my daughter and grandchild's well-being and for the health of my marriage and my own mental state. How do I detach in this situation when another life is part of the picture?

Your husband is a wise man. You both have already been through the wringer with your daughter. It does not matter what your friends and family think, they have not experienced what you have. They don’t know the chaos, the heartbreak and drama. The constant stress.
One saying that helped me make better choices for myself, my marriage and also my daughter’s sake is this “Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”
It is not healthy for us, or for our adult kids to allow them to walk all over us.
Our wayward adult kids will take full advantage of our love for them and use us until there is nothing left to give. Someone has to draw the line in the sand and stop the madness.
You have already taken some big steps towards this by stopping the financing and getting help through counseling.
Your husband is not being selfish, he is being sensible, realistic. He is treating you and your home with respect. Our homes are our places of sanctuary, not battle zones to house disrespectful, unappreciative adult children.
I’m sure you must be thinking of every worse case scenario that could happen. Thats what happened to me with my two. It still does if I’m not careful. That disaster predicting kept me in rescue mode and constantly fretting over what the future held. I was stuck in a loop over imagining the next catastrophe, and that circular thinking drilled me deep down into the rabbit hole along with my two. I could hardly focus on anything else. I went through the motions of living, dreading what the next chapter would bring. I was totally enmeshed in the consequences and outcome of my daughters choices- way more than they were, and still are. They don’t bat a single eyelash at the affect that their lifestyles have on their family, or themselves. Not one.
Gulp.
Seeking, you are doing the work you need to do right now for you and your marriage. That is where you need to stay-present and focused on what you can control- your self. You have absolutely no control over what your daughter chooses for herself and her child. Slow way down with your thought processing. Breath. Meditate. Do something for your own well being. Read. Write. Take walks. If prayer is your way, pray.
Take the time you have now to strengthen yourself. You have been through a lot.
The end of the story is not yet written. We are not the authors of our grown children’s books. They are.
Hopefully your daughter will get the help she needs through the resources available to her.
The best thing you can do for her is to show her by your own example of relearning self care. We mothers tend to deny ourselves that. Truth is, if we do not love ourselves, take care of our own well being, we cannot have healthy relationships. Setting boundaries and saying no to our adult children is teaching them to reach for their own self respect.
You have value and worth. Your life, your time is precious.
Take this time you have and use it to build your relationship with your husband. That is what is first and foremost, be united and firm with your daughter. Set boundaries. Don’t allow her issues to come between you.
Things will happen as they do. That is life. It is challenging and hard with wayward kids.
Yes, there is another life in the picture, your grandchild. You are not detaching from L. or your grandchild. You are detaching from your old habits of dealing with the issues. You are learning to live your life and switch focus to what you can control, your response.
One week, one day, sometimes one breath at a time.
You are not alone.
Coincidentally, as I write this, I can hear singing from our Native Hawaiian charter school across the river and down the road. A Māori group is visiting and sharing their culture. The voice of the future, strong and clear, proclaiming traditions of old and the resilience of youth.
It’s going to be okay Seekinghope.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I know that our friends and family would believe we should take L and the baby in, but my husband says it would jeopardize our marriage and any chance we have of caring for our own well-being and financial future. He says the social services need to get involved and the child might end up in foster care. I

I believe and I know that your husband is right.

Your husband is not being selfish, he is being sensible, realistic. He is treating you and your home with respect. Our homes are our places of sanctuary, not battle zones to house disrespectful, unappreciative adult children.

This is so.
My view is that if you and your husband together were willing to adopt the baby with no strings attached, by your daughter, that would be the only arrangement that could work. What no strings attached would mean is that you would have full and complete legal custody, without agreeing to visitation or any other condition set by your daughter.
There is no other arrangement that would not be a tyranny to you and your husband.
Your daughter has the complete right to make a decision about whether or not to become a parent. If she decides to do so, she and she alone is responsible for making it work. Most babies are born into marginally satisfactory situations. That your daughter would choose to become a parent when she is unable to responsibly provide for and parent a child does not make you responsible. Especially if it means to sacrifice yourself, your life and your marriage.
Almost every parent who posts here as tried to take responsibility to change or correct the behaviors and circumstances of their adult children. It has never ever worked. It only means we are weighed down in every conceivable way. We sacrifice ourselves, and we can't save our children, and ultimately we can't save our grandchildren, unless we take on their care until they grow up. And if we choose to do that without a legally binding free and clear arrangment, we end up being victimized by our children and their child is victimized too.
I urge you to go to psychotherapy to try to work through your feelings and to make a decision that serves the greater good of all.

 

[ksm]

Your grandchild will be used as a pawn to hurt you for the rest of your lives. Either intentionally or unintentionally.

Let's hope the system works and if she's not capable professionals will step in.

I'm living this hell right now... our great grandson will be 4 this weekend. He's been with us more than either of his parents. If his mom ends up in jail for drugs (court next month - original charges were 10 months ago) the father could step in and take him from us. He and his wife don't have a great track record either.

Luckily, my husband is willing to keep our great grandson fir the rest of our lives. But we are missing out on all we had planned for our retirement years.

The heart ache is awful...we are trapped with no easy answers.

Ksm

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

Aloha Seekinghope,
So sorry for your need to be here but so very glad you found us. You have received some good responses so far.
I know personally how difficult it is to have an adult wayward child living far off the normal path and pregnant.
It is heart wrenching.

I’m sorry you have been down this road. It is so hard to live through, watching our loved ones spiraling downward and trying everything to stop the craziness. My late hubs and I went into rescue mode for years and things just kept getting worse.

This is a hallmark for most of our wayward adult kids out there. It is everyone else’s fault.

My two daughters blamed me for their circumstances, and for a time, I would review my parenting mistakes wishing I had done better. This is a manipulative tactic to keep us from focusing on what really is going on- our kids repeatedly making bad choices and not wanting to suffer the consequences, or the guilt, so they blame us. If we blame ourselves and feel guilt ridden, we are more vulnerable and likely to finance or house them. It’s a vicious cycle, if we buy into it. The answer I give my kids now is that I did the best I could with what I knew. We are not perfect. Just parents who love their children.

Good. Bank closed. Your daughter was taking advantage of your generosity. Not fair and not right.

I’m glad you were able to take that time out to get counseling. It is hard to see the big picture when we are deeply mobilized to fix things for years. It is good to have guidance.

Good Lord, the entitlement is off the charts.

This is what helped me too, Seeking. Knowing that my daughters can get help if they choose to.

This is tough, because it is all completely up to your daughter to decide. No matter how sensible something is to us, our daughters will choose as they wish. That sounds harsh, but it is real. Unfortunately.

Your husband is a wise man. You both have already been through the wringer with your daughter. It does not matter what your friends and family think, they have not experienced what you have. They don’t know the chaos, the heartbreak and drama. The constant stress.
One saying that helped me make better choices for myself, my marriage and also my daughter’s sake is this “Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”
It is not healthy for us, or for our adult kids to allow them to walk all over us.
Our wayward adult kids will take full advantage of our love for them and use us until there is nothing left to give. Someone has to draw the line in the sand and stop the madness.
You have already taken some big steps towards this by stopping the financing and getting help through counseling.
Your husband is not being selfish, he is being sensible, realistic. He is treating you and your home with respect. Our homes are our places of sanctuary, not battle zones to house disrespectful, unappreciative adult children.
I’m sure you must be thinking of every worse case scenario that could happen. Thats what happened to me with my two. It still does if I’m not careful. That disaster predicting kept me in rescue mode and constantly fretting over what the future held. I was stuck in a loop over imagining the next catastrophe, and that circular thinking drilled me deep down into the rabbit hole along with my two. I could hardly focus on anything else. I went through the motions of living, dreading what the next chapter would bring. I was totally enmeshed in the consequences and outcome of my daughters choices- way more than they were, and still are. They don’t bat a single eyelash at the affect that their lifestyles have on their family, or themselves. Not one.
Gulp.
Seeking, you are doing the work you need to do right now for you and your marriage. That is where you need to stay-present and focused on what you can control- your self. You have absolutely no control over what your daughter chooses for herself and her child. Slow way down with your thought processing. Breath. Meditate. Do something for your own well being. Read. Write. Take walks. If prayer is your way, pray.
Take the time you have now to strengthen yourself. You have been through a lot.
The end of the story is not yet written. We are not the authors of our grown children’s books. They are.
Hopefully your daughter will get the help she needs through the resources available to her.
The best thing you can do for her is to show her by your own example of relearning self care. We mothers tend to deny ourselves that. Truth is, if we do not love ourselves, take care of our own well being, we cannot have healthy relationships. Setting boundaries and saying no to our adult children is teaching them to reach for their own self respect.
You have value and worth. Your life, your time is precious.
Take this time you have and use it to build your relationship with your husband. That is what is first and foremost, be united and firm with your daughter. Set boundaries. Don’t allow her issues to come between you.
Things will happen as they do. That is life. It is challenging and hard with wayward kids.
Yes, there is another life in the picture, your grandchild. You are not detaching from L. or your grandchild. You are detaching from your old habits of dealing with the issues. You are learning to live your life and switch focus to what you can control, your response.
One week, one day, sometimes one breath at a time.
You are not alone.
Coincidentally, as I write this, I can hear singing from our Native Hawaiian charter school across the river and down the road. A Māori group is visiting and sharing their culture. The voice of the future, strong and clear, proclaiming traditions of old and the resilience of youth.
It’s going to be okay Seekinghope.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

Kia ora New Leaf, your words were like a balm to my soul. Thank you for taking the time to reply with such care. I read them out to my husband and it was a great affirmation for both of us. She is completely controlling the situation by only communicating sporadically via text. We have asked our daughter to permit us to speak to the caseworker. We feel we can only work with the case worker at this point to get a true sense of what is happening. She is not willing to share the information - but sends me a quick video of the baby kicking in her womb . What you said about disaster predicting struck home.
I love the idea of you hearing the Kapa Haka and waiata of our land, it brought me joy- a small God moment to remind me of His comfort.

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

Your grandchild will be used as a pawn to hurt you for the rest of your lives. Either intentionally or unintentionally.

Let's hope the system works and if she's not capable professionals will step in.

I'm living this hell right now... our great grandson will be 4 this weekend. He's been with us more than either of his parents. If his mom ends up in jail for drugs (court next month - original charges were 10 months ago) the father could step in and take him from us. He and his wife don't have a great track record either.

Luckily, my husband is willing to keep our great grandson fir the rest of our lives. But we are missing out on all we had planned for our retirement years.

The heart ache is awful...we are trapped with no easy answers.

Ksm

Thank you for your reply, a shared pain across the ocean . The heartache does feel unbearable and I also wake up everyday feeling trapped.

 

[Nomad]

You've already gotten so much good insight and advice.
I tend to agree with your husband, as well.
Taking on the responsibility of your grandchild and/or your daughter along with the child, will only cause further emotional and financial strain. You might gently suggest to her to consider putting the baby up for adoption. If she would not consider this, then perhaps consider making a few calls to social services to get some general information on benefits that she would be entitled to as an unemployed mom. It sounds like you are already aware that there are some. You've already been through so much with this child, it would be unfair to you and your husband to continue with years and years of strife.
My thought is to help her minimally and from afar. Help her with information and maybe if you feel you can afford it with an occasional gift card for the food store or something along these lines...putting boundaries all over the place and trying to stay as detached as possible. Consider offering her , again if you can afford it, paying for short term counseling if she express interest and seems genuine. Bottom line, I would not hurt your health , your home life, your relationship with your husband. You've already been through many years of this. This is a heartache like none other. I hope she will consider putting this child up for adoption...but if not...stay strong and make "boundaries" your middle name and accept that this is how it very likely NEEDS to be. Also, consider short term therapy for yourself. Again, this stuff is HARD and support for you is imperative.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

To go along with what everyone said made me think of the actual services themselves. I don’t know about your area but here mothers with children can get help with shelter, food stamps and cash assistance. Also a program called WIC, that gives food assistance while the mother is pregnant and formula for the baby until a year old with continued food assistance for Mom. You said there are more services in your area than where she is, I would push her towards self sufficiency.

A sad point, my daughter once told me she would get purposely pregnant to get all these benefits and be taken care of. That I could watch the baby for her. I told her there is no way I would do that, not fair to a child just because you do not want to work. Could be the reason she wants to keep the baby possibly?

 

[New Leaf]

Aloha Seekinghope,
I pray this day brings you some peace.

I read them out to my husband and it was a great affirmation for both of us.

I am glad that you and your husband felt reaffirmed in setting healthy boundaries. Whatever the future holds, working together making informed decisions is vital for both of your well being and will strengthen your bond with one another and protect the sanctity of your union. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. This includes our adult children, their choices should not be allowed to affect our relationships. When raising and providing for our young children, we often put most of our energy on them. When things go awry, it presents challenges to our relationship on so many levels. My husband had a difficult time letting go of the rescue mode. I was the one to say enough is enough. We had two younger children who were also detrimentally affected by their sisters abuse of opening our home to them. My daughter Tornado had three young children, we were intent on trying to provide some stability for our grandchildren. We were so busy putting out “fires”, the drama and chaos within our home became routine without our realizing it. Our younger children grew up watching all of this, which once my eyes were opened, I knew in my gut, was unacceptable. My two wayward daughters were fully aware that my husband was easier to manipulate and used that to drive a wedge between us, so they could get their way. I stood my ground. Our relationship took a big hit. The tactic they used is called “triangulation”. That’s why I emphasize working together as a couple, keep going to counseling, educate yourselves to be completely aware of the methods our wayward adult kids will use against us. They are experts at tugging at our heartstrings and keeping us in emotional turmoil. It is extremely difficult to function in this state of mind.
For my husband it was especially hard because in Hawaiian culture, ohana is everything. No matter what. He was raised in a very dysfunctional setting, my father in law was abusive, and his older siblings were addicts. So he was used to the chaos. It is so unfortunate that many Hawaiian families suffer the social ills attached to the generational wounds of colonization.
I am haole and was raised in a very different setting. Marrying a kanaka, the more I learned the more I was determined to raise my children immersed in their culture. I am all too familiar with family and friends pressuring that it is not “Hawaiian style” to “turn our backs on ohana.” Some may use this as a "cultural hammer" to drive their point that we need to stay actively engaged, to keep rescuing our adult kids. In actuality, the people of old did take measures to protect the rest of the ohana. If one went astray from values to the detriment of others, that member would be cut off until actions were taken to change and make amends. I’m not saying that we need to completely cut off our wayward adult kids, but we do need to take steps to recognize the damage done and work hard to protect our own physical, mental and spiritual health. We need to cut off sacrificing our own selves in a desperate attempt to invoke change in our adult kids. It does not work. Our kids will choose as they do. They will weaponize our emotional distress. We need to recognize our initial reactions that cause us to go off the deep end along with them. That’s why stepping back and allowing time to process our feelings, breath, gather our thoughts and wits is so important.
In the past, dealing with my two, we went from one crisis to the next. It was hard to come up for air. I would lose sleep and stress over whatever new issue came up, then I saw this pattern reoccurring. With them and myself. But you know what? I was the one emotionally devastated, they would pick up where they left off like nothing happened. It was “just another Tuesday” for them.

She is completely controlling the situation by only communicating sporadically via text. We have asked our daughter to permit us to speak to the caseworker. We feel we can only work with the case worker at this point to get a true sense of what is happening. She is not willing to share the information - but sends me a quick video of the baby kicking in her womb .

This is emotional and mental cruelty. Iʻm sorry for the pain of it. These are the kind of manipulative controlling tactics many of us here have endured. It is designed to keep us in a frenzied state, to break us down. If we take a step back and remove our emotions from it, we can see it for what it is. I was at my computer writing earlier and was able to see your signature. For the challenges your daughter has, she is quite clever as far as pushing those emotional buttons. The hard truth is, is that she is the one holding all the cards in this “game.” She knows it. If you remove yourself from the table, you are no longer caught up in the game. It sounds so simple, but I know it is not. Our maternal instinct is to spring into action and protect at all costs. Especially when there is our unborn grandchild in the mix. It doesn’t feel right to do nothing. But what is there to be done? It is your daughter’s choice, even though she has disabilities, at least here in the U.S. as an adult she has the right to her decisions. From what you have described of L. it seems like any suggestions you make, she will be oppositional. I found this to be true with my daughters. They are more willing to accept information from strangers.
A positive I see in your daughter’s situation is that a case worker is already involved. That’s a huge plus. There are eyes on her. Not yours, but someone who will hopefully keep watchful and can direct L. to resources she needs.

What you said about disaster predicting struck home.

I am an expert at thoughts running over and over in my head. What helped me was to give my two back to ke Akua. They were only on loan to me until reaching adult age. Their choices and lifestyles are too much for my heart to handle and I have no say in their decisions. When I worry or fret, I say a quick prayer. This has helped tremendously to stop the circular thinking, the anxiety. For years, my late husband and I spent so much time trying to help our daughters at the expense of the peace in our home, our well children. The reality is, we have no control over what our adult children choose.

I love the idea of you hearing the Kapa Haka and waiata of our land, it brought me joy- a small God moment to remind me of His comfort.

It was very uplifting, Seeking. My daughter Hoku teaches at the school and was moved to tears at the power of this moment of sharing. It is my hope that continued resurgence of the language, culture and spirituality will help to heal our families.
Hoku is much like you described your eldest daughter, an easy child, with goals and achievements, responsibilities. She is sensible and tough. She has helped me many times come out of my despair over her siblings choices. She has set firm boundaries and won’t budge until she sees real change with her sisters. She is fiercely protecting her heart and her family. Spending time with her and my other children has helped me deal with the grief felt over my two wayward daughters. I have not given up hope that they may see their light and potential. I know that I am not the one to steer them in that direction. Lord I did try. I can love them
and step aside, let go and let God. There is still heartache, but it is getting a bit lighter.
I wish you strength along this journey. May ke Akua be with you and your husband and your family, calm your heart and give you peace of mind. You’ve got this Mama, one day at a time.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

You've already gotten so much good insight and advice.
I tend to agree with your husband, as well.
Taking on the responsibility of your grandchild and/or your daughter along with the child, will only cause further emotional and financial strain. You might gently suggest to her to consider putting the baby up for adoption. If she would not consider this, then perhaps consider making a few calls to social services to get some general information on benefits that she would be entitled to as an unemployed mom. It sounds like you are already aware that there are some. You've already been through so much with this child, it would be unfair to you and your husband to continue with years and years of strife.
My thought is to help her minimally and from afar. Help her with information and maybe if you feel you can afford it with an occasional gift card for the food store or something along these lines...putting boundaries all over the place and trying to stay as detached as possible. Consider offering her , again if you can afford it, paying for short term counseling if she express interest and seems genuine. Bottom line, I would not hurt your health , your home life, your relationship with your husband. You've already been through many years of this. This is a heartache like none other. I hope she will consider putting this child up for adoption...but if not...stay strong and make "boundaries" your middle name and accept that this is how it very likely NEEDS to be. Also, consider short term therapy for yourself. Again, this stuff is HARD and support for you is imperative.

Your grandchild will be used as a pawn to hurt you for the rest of your lives. Either intentionally or unintentionally.

Let's hope the system works and if she's not capable professionals will step in.

I'm living this hell right now... our great grandson will be 4 this weekend. He's been with us more than either of his parents. If his mom ends up in jail for drugs (court next month - original charges were 10 months ago) the father could step in and take him from us. He and his wife don't have a great track record either.

Luckily, my husband is willing to keep our great grandson fir the rest of our lives. But we are missing out on all we had planned for our retirement years.

The heart ache is awful...we are trapped with no easy answers.

Ksm

thank you for this response - I hear your point about the retirement years!

 

[SeekinghopeNZ]

You've already gotten so much good insight and advice.
I tend to agree with your husband, as well.
Taking on the responsibility of your grandchild and/or your daughter along with the child, will only cause further emotional and financial strain. You might gently suggest to her to consider putting the baby up for adoption. If she would not consider this, then perhaps consider making a few calls to social services to get some general information on benefits that she would be entitled to as an unemployed mom. It sounds like you are already aware that there are some. You've already been through so much with this child, it would be unfair to you and your husband to continue with years and years of strife.
My thought is to help her minimally and from afar. Help her with information and maybe if you feel you can afford it with an occasional gift card for the food store or something along these lines...putting boundaries all over the place and trying to stay as detached as possible. Consider offering her , again if you can afford it, paying for short term counseling if she express interest and seems genuine. Bottom line, I would not hurt your health , your home life, your relationship with your husband. You've already been through many years of this. This is a heartache like none other. I hope she will consider putting this child up for adoption...but if not...stay strong and make "boundaries" your middle name and accept that this is how it very likely NEEDS to be. Also, consider short term therapy for yourself. Again, this stuff is HARD and support for you is imperative.

Thank you for your reply. It is so true what you have said about us having gone through enough - we are exhausted and there seems no end to this life of turmoil - so we have to protect what we can from further damage. My husband and I are getting some therapy support soon and I am starting to make enquiries about the types of support to make an informed response to help offset the manipulation.