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Parent Emeritus
Needing to stay strong, feeling like a horrible person. :(
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<blockquote data-quote="elizabrary" data-source="post: 749501" data-attributes="member: 11235"><p>I agree with everything Recovering Enabler said. WE are the ones who have to change. It is up to our adult children whether they change and improve their lives or not. They are adults- they get to choose. If your daughter was going to become self-sufficient with your help she would have by now. You have gone above and beyond and it is high time you take care of YOU!!! When we first set boundaries our difficult children frequently up the ante. They can't really believe we are going to follow through. I went through it with my daughter probably 8 years ago. It was unbelievably difficult at first because I was so accustomed to focusing my energies on my troubled daughter and bailing her out. In all honesty when we do that when they are adults we are basically reinforcing their idea that they are not capable and can't survive on their own. But they can. Now when my daughter calls with a problem I tell her she's a smart woman and I'm sure she will figure it out. And she always does. Over the past 8 or so years she's straightened out her life. It's not where I would like it to be, but again, it's her life, her choices. She has maintained housing, health insurance and a job for the past 5 years. A year ago she re-enrolled in community college (where she could not finish a semester previously) and made the dean's list both semesters. She starts at the large university in our town in the fall, just 2 weeks after her second daughter is due. If I had continued my enabling ways she never would have done that. I strongly encourage you not to let your daughter stay in your home while you are away. If you do, she likely not leave. It's beyond time for her to figure things. And it's time for you to enjoy your life and be kind to yourself. Sending peace to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabrary, post: 749501, member: 11235"] I agree with everything Recovering Enabler said. WE are the ones who have to change. It is up to our adult children whether they change and improve their lives or not. They are adults- they get to choose. If your daughter was going to become self-sufficient with your help she would have by now. You have gone above and beyond and it is high time you take care of YOU!!! When we first set boundaries our difficult children frequently up the ante. They can't really believe we are going to follow through. I went through it with my daughter probably 8 years ago. It was unbelievably difficult at first because I was so accustomed to focusing my energies on my troubled daughter and bailing her out. In all honesty when we do that when they are adults we are basically reinforcing their idea that they are not capable and can't survive on their own. But they can. Now when my daughter calls with a problem I tell her she's a smart woman and I'm sure she will figure it out. And she always does. Over the past 8 or so years she's straightened out her life. It's not where I would like it to be, but again, it's her life, her choices. She has maintained housing, health insurance and a job for the past 5 years. A year ago she re-enrolled in community college (where she could not finish a semester previously) and made the dean's list both semesters. She starts at the large university in our town in the fall, just 2 weeks after her second daughter is due. If I had continued my enabling ways she never would have done that. I strongly encourage you not to let your daughter stay in your home while you are away. If you do, she likely not leave. It's beyond time for her to figure things. And it's time for you to enjoy your life and be kind to yourself. Sending peace to you. [/QUOTE]
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Needing to stay strong, feeling like a horrible person. :(
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