I completely agree. My mother had me intentionally disinherited from, first, her husband's will (2004) and then their trust (2017). I discovered this when I was helping them move into an ALF. I had taken three weeks out of my life, traveled across the country and spent thousands of dollars to help them. She had lied to me for all of those years, saying that whatever they had would be left to my brother and me equally. When I talked to their wealth manager, I made it clear that the most important thing was that they lived in a healthy and safe enviroment - that it made no difference to me if all of their money was spent on their care for the last yers of their lives, as long as they were happy and taken care of. The only reason I found out that I had been disinherited was because I found their will when I was clearing out their paperwork and shredding it so that their identities couldn't been stolen through peronal information. I didn't confront her but I couldn't help but cry, thinking that she must ahve really hated/resented me to have me intentially disinherited. (My brother married into a wealthy family andhis wife made bank, so I know it wasn't based on him being in more financial need.) She obviously realized I was upset and somehow guessed because she then showed me their trust paperwork where it said that there was no provision for me in the trust. It was like salt in the wound. Even though my mother was abusive to us when we were childre, I only ever did the best I could by her. As her adult child, she never respected my boudaries and was extrmemly toxic. I still spend hours every week doing stuff for her like online shopping and setting up doctor's appointments (before and during Covid). My brother can have any money that's left over when she passes. It's just so hurtful that she still lies to me, telling me that we are both equla beneficiaries. It's hard to believe her when she tells me how grateful they are for all I do for them and that she loves me. I don't believe her. I just think she's afraid I'll stop doing things to help them.
Never disinherit your kid
- Thread starter zen
- Start date
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Dear Zen
This is a very old thread. Why not post a new thread and that way others will see it.
Yours is a very sad story and one that many of us have experienced in one form or another; including me.
Is there a reason you don't speak to your mother directly about what you have learned?
How good for you could it be to hold this secret in your body? Here you are doing all of this for you, while she has betrayed you. Don't you think there could be healing, at least for you, if you tell her your truth? This might be freeing for her, to confront the truth of her life. Something is very toxic in her that she would do such a betrayal in life and from the grave.
Is it that you are afraid what she will tell you? Do you believe that she would say that she doesn't love you enough? I was in this exact same situation. I continued caring for my mother, even though I knew she did something similar but not nearly as bad. But perhaps had I been healthier I would have been able to protect myself better.
The damage is in her. The missing piece is in her. Why not be straight with yourself? And don't accept the twistedness as part of you. It's not yours to carry.
Thank you, I am new to this forum. I appreciate your words. I just had an email exchange with someone who works for her wealth management person and wanted to reply, "I don't care! I know I've been disinherited so whatever money they have left has nothing to do with me," but didn't. So I did an web search to see what's been written about children who have been disinherited and voila... It was helpful to read the other stories on this thread. And I got to unburden myself.
There's no point in saying anything to my mother. She is in the early stages of dementia and she would would either deny it and lie or blame her husband. She has always blamed others for her choices. I'm sure she has had some form of mental illness her whole life but as a child you don't understand those things, you're just hurt by them.
I think part of the reason it was so hurtful is that I have spent most of my adult life healing from her abusive behavior (physical and emotional), coming to a place of forgiveness and trying to have some sort of relationship with her. Then to find out I was disinherited not once, but twice...
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I understand totally what you are saying. My mother was this way too. I guess what I wanted to say was this: There has to be someplace for us to stand whole. Without abuse.
On some level caring for mothers who continue to abuse us, is to submit to abuse, even if we choose to care for them. This is like a double bind. We still seek the love of the person who hurt us, and in caring for them Indirectly we keep choosing to submit to more abuse. Even if your mother is not now abusing you, the fact that she has set up this horrible betrayal, everything within the relationship on some level is defined by it. It's like you put your head in a guillotine in order to help her.
I don't think I am being too dramatic. I think this is really how it is. We betray ourselves to help them. And yet we would do no other thing if they are vulnerable. It's a horrible mess. I truly, truly think I get it.
I think Runaway Bunny who is the site administrator may have moved your post to a new thread. Maybe you can post here on this site, and we will be your witnesses, and this can be your safe place to stand. The woman who began this thread has been gone for several years now. But I bet that there are at least several of us who have gone through the same or similar.
On some level caring for mothers who continue to abuse us, is to submit to abuse, even if we choose to care for them. This is like a double bind. We still seek the love of the person who hurt us, and in caring for them Indirectly we keep choosing to submit to more abuse. Even if your mother is not now abusing you, the fact that she has set up this horrible betrayal, everything within the relationship on some level is defined by it. It's like you put your head in a guillotine in order to help her.
I don't think I am being too dramatic. I think this is really how it is. We betray ourselves to help them. And yet we would do no other thing if they are vulnerable. It's a horrible mess. I truly, truly think I get it.
I think Runaway Bunny who is the site administrator may have moved your post to a new thread. Maybe you can post here on this site, and we will be your witnesses, and this can be your safe place to stand. The woman who began this thread has been gone for several years now. But I bet that there are at least several of us who have gone through the same or similar.
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