New Court date...

[standswithcourage]

My husband says he is not coming home. I am not sure how an apartment would be. It might be ok for someone that has come through recovery and has a goal and a purpose but for my son - right now I cant see a lot of change - just empty promises and the same thing - he could be a bad situation. I can imagine he would have everyone over tohelp himpay the rent!

 

[BusynMember]

If he tries to survive by inviting friends over, he'll find it isn't much fun. A bunch of addicts are hardly going to be loyal to him, really help him pay etc. At least his life will be difficult enough that maybe he'll think "I don't want to be this way anymore." That's how my daughter finally came to the conclusion that drugging out wasn't what she wanted to do...and she quit. At home, I doubt she would have changed--at least at home she had a soft bed and meals and a place to hide when she needed to "come down" from the high. Stop worrying about how hard it will be for your son. He is the one who is making it hard for himself. My own daughter will be 24 in two weeks. She started using drugs ast TWELVE (yes, twelve) and quit at nineteen. We kicked her out at eighteen. It was good for her--she will be the first one to say so. The free ride was over and she started to see her "friends" for what they were. "I saw D. with track marks on her arms, and I didn't want that to be me. It scared me. So I decided to quit." You need to let your son have his moment of clarity, even if you worry about him (and you will). Believe it or not, letting him do this himself is an act of kindness. He will not change under your roof. I'm against even paying for an apartment for him. I think he should understand homelessness. Hitting rock bottom is often a defining moment, and you two just won't let him go there. (((Hugs))) Stand With Courage, ok?

 

[standswithcourage]

OK - after I read my devotional this morning I decided that whatever happens I wont be afraid - I will try and try not to be afraid - for the outcome - he is the one that needs to want to go to treatment - he doesnt need to be made to go as all the other times - I feel like saying you need to go to treatment and if you dont want to go - you are own your own - you cannot come and stay here - we cannot be the rehab - that would be very hard for me since I am a teacher and have the summer off - I would be carting him everywhere and not feeling good about leaving him by himself - I wonder if any of the legal people ever think about that - that is what gets most kids in trouble - being left by themselves because they dont have a job, etc. - they get into trouble and even if my son had a job we would have to take him there or he loses it again, etc., etc., just not a good idea.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

No, it really IS a good idea.

If they tell him that he HAS to go to rehab, and he is not ready, he will simply go through the motions and not get anything out of it.

If he gets into trouble, that's his problem. Maybe he will get sick of getting into trouble. If he can't find a job, again, that is his problem. Maybe he will make the connection that job + no drugs = money = stability. If he gets a job, good for him. Let him figure out a way to get there and back. If he loses it, it's his problem. let him find another one. If he keeps screwing up, he will eventually get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and he will seek help.

But not a moment before.

You absolutely have to let this go. He cannot come home. Get it in your mind that he cannot come home ever again. If he surprises you and gets help and stays clean somewhere down the line, you can revisit the question as to whether he can return to your home. Hopefully, he will get himself stable and not need to come home.

If you let him come home, he could die. Because he will not stay clean at your house.

 

[standswithcourage]

That is the truth. He will not stay clean at our house. When I tell him that he says I will this time - but then I say I cannot believe you - he cant happen - you are right.

 

[standswithcourage]

Well I dont believe he will go to court on this day either. Oh well I am just not going to worry about it - I put some money in his account - his money from his paycheck - sent him a letter asking if he needs more books and wishing him luck on his court date - telling him we love him - and that I think he needs more treatment than just outpatient - whatever - I still cant go up there and see him and sometimes that makes me feel guilty - he gets to my emotions because I see my boy in him again and feel bad for him, etc. and that is not good for him or me so I have to stay away! It is so hard. I have started reading the 12 steps every morning along with my devotion. Maybe between all that i can still be strong no mattter what happens.

 

[mom_in_training]

"I see my boy in him again and feel bad for him"
You are doing the best thing for him by not enabling him and giving him the satisfaction that he has sucked you back in (He seems to be pretty good at that). He takes advantage of your weakness and will only get away with it if you let him. Stay strong Stands, You have come a long ways. I heard this person on the radio the other day that has a disabled child. It was a Mom that was overpowered by emotion everytime she saw that her child was having difficulty accomplishing what most kids his age have no problem doing. In the end the conclusion was that she has not accepted the fact that her child is who he is (Developmentally impaired) but was advised to just go the extra mile to aid with his success and be proud of the accomplishments that he does succeed in. Stands, You have gone the extra mile and provided all of the tools necessary with the hopes that he would grasp on and make better choices. You see he (Your son) has that ability, This Moms child does not.

I also am a Mom that has raised up my son that is now 21 and severely disabled. He has Cerebral Palsy and requires hands on for his every need to include diapering, Bathing, Feeding via G-Tube as his only source of nutrition, Seizure disorder, Cortical Blind, Non verbal, Although we do have our own way of communicating, (OMG He laughs allot, Lol!!) He cannot walk and requires a wheelchair as well as me being his lift system to get him to and from rather it be transferring to his wheelchair or car seat or positioning around the house. I have accepted him for who he is and caring for him has become my way of life and I am ok with it. I could not see it any other way. I am his Mom. I guess where I am going with this is when I look at him I see a man that was cheated out of a normal life but not by choice. He contracted meningitus from another infant in the hospital when he was two days old. I think to myself about all of the kids and adults that are physically and mentally capable of living a good life but yet choose the wrong path. It saddens me because some can very well end up in their grave or end up having to be cared for by another because of the brain damage that had been self inflicted by the abuse of drugs and it was all by choice. I am hoping that someday your son sees the light and becomes a happy healthy productive citizen within society, I do not know your son personally but I think he is capable once he takes responsibility and decides that he no longer wants the life with drugs. Anything is possible. I say this of course knowing that there are some people that do have true mental issues that hinder their ability to cope and some do turn to drugs. But I also think that some people use that as an excuse to justify the way of life that they choose. Your son knows right from wrong and has the ability to do something different, My son does not have a choice due to his severe disabilities that were in no way his choice.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Just a question, I thought that his paycheck money went to reimburse PD for the game system?

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes part of it did. My easy child used part of his paycheck to get his new system. He still has enough to put some money in his canteen account and buy his own books if he needs any.

To Mom-in-Training - you probably need to get Mom of the Year. That is amazing what you are doing for your son. I know he doesnt have achoice. Sometimes I think my son - I know he is learning disabled - he was diagnosed with it and sometimes I think he is searching for something that makes him feel normal - I dont want to think that the medications he takes are normal for him because they are not - he abuses them - but if he needs medications I wish he would at least try and find another one that works and isnt addictive. But that is his choice - thanks for saying I have done the right thing. If you read my post in Parent Emeritus I am thinking I havent done all the right things. Thanks

 

[standswithcourage]

Well I think he went to court today. It says on the website that he was sentenced to one year. I dont know what that means. One year what? I guess they didnt let hiim go. I hope not. that sounds mean but what do you think?

 

[DammitJanet]

If he was sentenced to one year then do be prepared that they have to give him credit for the time he has been in jail waiting for this court date and from what I remember he has been in there almost a year now. He may not have much more time to serve.

 

[standswithcourage]

I am afraid you are probably right. He probably knows it. He was all about maxing out so he wouldnt have to do any probation. What am I going to do with him when he gets out? I am sure we will have to go get him. I feel like we should give him some guidance and a fair shake but to go back into the past doesnt seem like the right thing to do!!!!!!!!!!!Any suggestions on what to do?

 

[meowbunny]

Stands, how many "fair shakes" do you want to give him? He's now a felon. Life is going to be very hard for him. So long as he's using drugs, life is going to be almost impossible because his goal will be to score and get high, not try to turn his life around.

Sadly, he doesn't want a fair shake. He wants an easy way out. You've given that to him many times. It really is time for him to sink or swim on his own. Honestly, the best help you can give him right now is to force him to come up with his own solutions. He may just surprise you and start swimming. When he reaches the surface, then it is time to start helping him but not before.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Well, I am sure that you will NOT "have to" go get him.

You don't "have to" do anything.

Let him figure it out ALL by himself. Go to the beach instead.