neverstopsworrying
New Member
It seems the more I read on the internet, the less I know about what to do in our situation. Every time I think the answer is clear, I second guess and start again.
We have a 19-yr-old daughter living at home. Typical story -- good kid, good grades, nice friends, not much trouble. Actually, she was a very bright high school honors student, AP classes, liked by all the teachers, popular with friends, responsible with her things, fun to be around. She always had an independent streak, began when she was little. And a stubborn, determined side that could be both a blessing and a curse. Her teachers thought she could do anything she set her mind to. We were very proud parents. But, we were also concerned parents as she had a pattern of random tests of our authority via poor decision-making on her part. These tests would take place many months apart, sometimes even a year, but they were there... buying pot at school in middle school, staying out all night and lying about it in 9th grade, things like that. Each incident resulted in harsh consequences, lots of open communication, and a hope that the next time wouldn't bring something worse. We made it clear when she was young that drug use and drinking was not tolerated, but that by the same token we would always be there for a ride if needed, no questions asked. We did everything we could to be understanding to the pressures of today's teen while restricting phone/tablet/etc use and keeping the lines of communication open. Each time something happened, we'd question why she made such poor decisions when everything else in her life seemed so healthy and balanced, but we chalked it up to teen rebelliousness and were always thankful she was a very good student and did not get into any kind of trouble at school.
Just a few days after dropping her off at her private, liberal arts college she was arrested for selling pot on campus and dismissed from the school.
Thus began a downward spiral of depression, anxiety, hopelessness, hanging out with sketchy people, and experimentation with drugs well beyond pot (LSD, ecstasy, shrooms, and maybe others). We paid for classes at a local university within a commutable distance, but grades were not good as her motivation to be a good student slipped away further and further each day.
There are court programs to complete which require a drug education class, service hours and staying out of trouble (no arrests), and we hold our breath as the days go by, counting the days and months until the programs are completed.
It is hard to see someone like this, someone who had literally everything going for them, throw their lives away for a high. A high that is clearly self-medicating in some way, a way to mask the pain inside. She insists therapy is not an option -- we tried that with a negotiation, but she decided she'd had enough, insisted there was nothing wrong with her. My husband and I are in therapy, though, to talk through both the big picture and the day-to-day dealings, especially as we work hard to stay on the same page (not always easy with one traveling & working long hours while the other is at home with the kids).
We have two other children, a younger teenager, and a tween. They see very clearly the changes in their sister -- one look at her and you see she is not the healthy, vibrant young lady she once was. She doesn't eat well, sleep regularly, take care of herself, clean up her room (she used to be VERY tidy), or spend any time with the family, even when we are hosting extended family gatherings at our home. We try hard to keep things as normal as possible for the other two kids because they do not deserve anything less. We also hope that they will think twice before trying drugs themselves after seeing what they have done to someone who had every reason to succeed in life. We are fairly open, in an age-appropriate way, with them about what has been happening.
We do fear that she hangs out with so many drug-using people now she is not only putting herself in danger, but potentially the rest of us.
We are reaching a crossroads where we will have to decide how to proceed. She has no job, but says she has been looking. She has not begun her service hours. She does nothing around the house. We have told her what she needs to do to be part of our household (tell us when she comes & goes, do not do drugs or drink on our property, and be productive), but she is scoring about a 70% on those so far.
She has talked about quitting a few times. The last time she begged me to help her and I said I would. But of course, two days later that was the end of it. Sometimes I think she actually wants us to force her hand and give her a good reason to quit. But other times I think she is hell-bent on pot being a part of her life because it fits into the "badass" image she is working so hard to cultivate (along with too much make-up and odd piercings, which in an otherwise well-adjusted kid is okay with me because it's just individual expression).
The big thing is the ultimatum... whether to tell her she's got to choose between quitting or moving out on her own. I realize it needs to be her choice because you can't force someone to quit. And maybe she does need to be out on her own for awhile to realize how good she has it here. (Not bragging here, but her own room, nice clothes, a car to drive, loving parents, college paid for, good food, great extended family, etc.) But as someone who never stops worrying, I don't know if I can handle that part. Every day I get stronger and think I am ready for it, but then I doubt myself again.
Quitting would give her back her driving privileges (which are currently suspended indefinitely because we've caught her driving high or with intentions to), college, a whole slew of her own earned spending money that she used to waste on pot (literally half of what she made last year was spent on drugs), and our support in her sport which I can't name to protect our privacy, but let's just say that it's expensive and we've been fully invested in it for 12 years and it used to make her very happy in many ways.
Not quitting would mean working to save enough to move out on her own, for a period of time determined by us, assuming she follows the rules of the household (if not, she'd need to leave sooner). Driving would be heavily restricted. Moving out would mean paying for almost everything on her own.
I see a very strong-willed, fiercely independent, intelligent person who is also very naive, sweet-hearted, scared, and stupid/clueless about the real world. How long will she last out there without us? And will she come back? That is what I ask myself every day...
We have a 19-yr-old daughter living at home. Typical story -- good kid, good grades, nice friends, not much trouble. Actually, she was a very bright high school honors student, AP classes, liked by all the teachers, popular with friends, responsible with her things, fun to be around. She always had an independent streak, began when she was little. And a stubborn, determined side that could be both a blessing and a curse. Her teachers thought she could do anything she set her mind to. We were very proud parents. But, we were also concerned parents as she had a pattern of random tests of our authority via poor decision-making on her part. These tests would take place many months apart, sometimes even a year, but they were there... buying pot at school in middle school, staying out all night and lying about it in 9th grade, things like that. Each incident resulted in harsh consequences, lots of open communication, and a hope that the next time wouldn't bring something worse. We made it clear when she was young that drug use and drinking was not tolerated, but that by the same token we would always be there for a ride if needed, no questions asked. We did everything we could to be understanding to the pressures of today's teen while restricting phone/tablet/etc use and keeping the lines of communication open. Each time something happened, we'd question why she made such poor decisions when everything else in her life seemed so healthy and balanced, but we chalked it up to teen rebelliousness and were always thankful she was a very good student and did not get into any kind of trouble at school.
Just a few days after dropping her off at her private, liberal arts college she was arrested for selling pot on campus and dismissed from the school.
Thus began a downward spiral of depression, anxiety, hopelessness, hanging out with sketchy people, and experimentation with drugs well beyond pot (LSD, ecstasy, shrooms, and maybe others). We paid for classes at a local university within a commutable distance, but grades were not good as her motivation to be a good student slipped away further and further each day.
There are court programs to complete which require a drug education class, service hours and staying out of trouble (no arrests), and we hold our breath as the days go by, counting the days and months until the programs are completed.
It is hard to see someone like this, someone who had literally everything going for them, throw their lives away for a high. A high that is clearly self-medicating in some way, a way to mask the pain inside. She insists therapy is not an option -- we tried that with a negotiation, but she decided she'd had enough, insisted there was nothing wrong with her. My husband and I are in therapy, though, to talk through both the big picture and the day-to-day dealings, especially as we work hard to stay on the same page (not always easy with one traveling & working long hours while the other is at home with the kids).
We have two other children, a younger teenager, and a tween. They see very clearly the changes in their sister -- one look at her and you see she is not the healthy, vibrant young lady she once was. She doesn't eat well, sleep regularly, take care of herself, clean up her room (she used to be VERY tidy), or spend any time with the family, even when we are hosting extended family gatherings at our home. We try hard to keep things as normal as possible for the other two kids because they do not deserve anything less. We also hope that they will think twice before trying drugs themselves after seeing what they have done to someone who had every reason to succeed in life. We are fairly open, in an age-appropriate way, with them about what has been happening.
We do fear that she hangs out with so many drug-using people now she is not only putting herself in danger, but potentially the rest of us.
We are reaching a crossroads where we will have to decide how to proceed. She has no job, but says she has been looking. She has not begun her service hours. She does nothing around the house. We have told her what she needs to do to be part of our household (tell us when she comes & goes, do not do drugs or drink on our property, and be productive), but she is scoring about a 70% on those so far.
She has talked about quitting a few times. The last time she begged me to help her and I said I would. But of course, two days later that was the end of it. Sometimes I think she actually wants us to force her hand and give her a good reason to quit. But other times I think she is hell-bent on pot being a part of her life because it fits into the "badass" image she is working so hard to cultivate (along with too much make-up and odd piercings, which in an otherwise well-adjusted kid is okay with me because it's just individual expression).
The big thing is the ultimatum... whether to tell her she's got to choose between quitting or moving out on her own. I realize it needs to be her choice because you can't force someone to quit. And maybe she does need to be out on her own for awhile to realize how good she has it here. (Not bragging here, but her own room, nice clothes, a car to drive, loving parents, college paid for, good food, great extended family, etc.) But as someone who never stops worrying, I don't know if I can handle that part. Every day I get stronger and think I am ready for it, but then I doubt myself again.
Quitting would give her back her driving privileges (which are currently suspended indefinitely because we've caught her driving high or with intentions to), college, a whole slew of her own earned spending money that she used to waste on pot (literally half of what she made last year was spent on drugs), and our support in her sport which I can't name to protect our privacy, but let's just say that it's expensive and we've been fully invested in it for 12 years and it used to make her very happy in many ways.
Not quitting would mean working to save enough to move out on her own, for a period of time determined by us, assuming she follows the rules of the household (if not, she'd need to leave sooner). Driving would be heavily restricted. Moving out would mean paying for almost everything on her own.
I see a very strong-willed, fiercely independent, intelligent person who is also very naive, sweet-hearted, scared, and stupid/clueless about the real world. How long will she last out there without us? And will she come back? That is what I ask myself every day...
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And, of course, YOUR well being should be uppermost. If you 'collapse' and/or lose your grounding, then your entire household will feel the 'domino' effect. Please know that I am not preaching - just relying on my empathy to 'walk in your shoes'. 
