Ella, you just said, "Something tells me that Seb doesn't fit the model but I am probably generalizing and unable to say so. He just seems very socially adroit even though he fails to see the difference between himself and adults (and therefore has trouble respecting authority)."
This is my difficult child 3 exactly! And he's got an autism diagnosis because his history also includes language delay. He's darn well caught up now! But the autism diagnosis still stands, because the HISTORY here is what counts. He's got ADHD as well, at least as far as he functions. It's what he's been diagnosed with.
difficult child 3 has a good friend who is 8, who also has a diagnosis of ADHD + high-functioning autism. His friend's autism is less severe but the ADHD component definitely causes problems. Friend also doesn't like taking medications, compounded by his mother (ageing hippie) not liking the idea of medicating her child. However, she can see the benefits and it does make a big difference to his behaviour. Young Friend was watching one of our sensationalist current affairs programs which was taking about the dangers of medicating kids with ADHD, as well as how these kids will turn into criminals (idiot TV show!) and so now he's very reluctant to take his medications. He's also getting quite bad rebound (a problem we had with difficult child 1, on ritalin). Some kids get rebound on ritalin, some on dex, a lot on neither, maybe some on both.
difficult child 1 went through a phase of skipping his medications, or drinking caffeinated drinks (which for him would short-circuit his medications). He couldn't see any problem with the resultant behaviour, although he did admit that he was having trouble with OTHER people being mean and unreasonable. We finally got through to him (after a couple of particularly violent episodes, one of which had him doing community service for a week) that if he took his medications properly and didn't interfere with it, then other people would seem to be more reasonable. But we did have to sit him down (with his doctor) and sort it out with him.
You have a very bright child. He has a very negative opinion of having a diagnosis of ADHD (or anything, probably). You need to get into his head and find out why. REALLY talk to him, sit with him (cookies and milk time, or bedtime snuggle if he will do this) and talk about it, person to person (not parent to child - he doesn't understand that anyway). You will find that he is learning how to treat other people, by how other people treat him. So even if he is rude to you, do not shout back at him or be rude or sarcastic with him. SHOW him how you want to be treated by him. If I have a run-in with difficult child 3, I fist mentally assess, is he shouting because he's anxious or stressed? If so, I wait until we've dealt with that and he's got the anxiety under control. THEN (depending on how he's responding now) I might say, "I really don't like it when you speak to me in that tone, it makes me sad." or words to that effect. Generally these days I get a spontaneous apology as he's calming down. He still shouts, because he still gets anxious or frustrated, but he does get himself under control much more these days.
Back to the heart-to-heart with him: you need to get right under his skin. How does he feel? Why does a diagnosis of ADHD upset him? What does he think it means? Does he see people with ADHD as imperfect, or less smart? Is there a kid he knows with ADHD, who is in his opinion defective, dumb, flawed, and he is scared of being like that person? Because there are a LOT of people in the world who would have qualified for a diagnosis of ADHD, Asperger's or similar, who have been great achievers in their field. Ask him who his heroes are. Find flaws in these heroes that they have overcome. There will be some; there always are. For example, Arnold Schwarzenegger - Austrian-born, didn't speak English well when he first came to the US. Took steroids etc and now says it was a dumb thing to do. But he has managed to learn English well enough to act in some really good movies, married a Kennedy and has become Governor of California. He's also a very, very smart guy - he just has played some thick characters at times (such as Conan). He was a bit TOO good at playing a not-bright character, people thought he was not smart either. Boy, were they wrong!
Basically, handle it that way - you can 'sell' anybody to him, especially if he already idolises them. If you haven't got the background information, then research it together online. "Let's look up your hero, see what we can find out about their life."
difficult child 3's hero is BF1, easy child's partner. BF1 has a brilliant mind, is a computer whiz but had a very rough early start in life. He could have got stuck where he started, never being able to achieve anything due to extreme poverty and a lot of hardship, but he worked his way through the system until he was able to score a place at uni. He's now finished uni in the course he loves (IT) and is working with computers and doing brilliantly.
I suspect your difficult child's heroes will be anybody who is achieving well (or did in their lifetime) who is highly intelligent. Einstein. The Curies. Rutherford. Isaac Newton. Bill Gates. Galileo. If you dig, you can find the problems they had to cope with. Including ADHD at least, in some cases. Stephen Hawking (say no more).
The other thing that might help is the explanation I used on difficult child 3, to explain why he is different. He was about 8 when he began to notice that he couldn't fit in, no matter how hard he tried. Denial simply wouldn't have been possible for him after that, but his failure to recognise it earlier wasn't denial, it was the degree of his autism that had him simply unaware at tat level of social interaction. But at 8, he began to get angry at the world for being such a challenge. That's when we were finally able to tell him that he is autistic, and what that means. I mentioned before, we explained it as different computer operating systems (since difficult child 3 was using a computer before 12 months of age, and had been familiar with both Mac and easy child by the age of 2).
The analogy is also valid for ADHD.
Here goes:
There are two main types of computer - Mac, and easy child. There are a lot of sub-groups of easy child, but basically they tend to work one way, Macs work another. But to the person typing a word processing document, they don't need to understand the fine detail of the different things about each type of computer. All the typist is doing, is preparing a document. They want it to look nice. They finish and send it to the printer. And when it comes off the printer - it can't be distinguished whether it came from a Mac, or a easy child. The computers were much the same to use, the printout looks identical. But the programming for each type of computer is very different. The operating systems needed for a MAC will not work on a easy child. But for each type of computer, that operating system makes it possible for it to interact and perform to the best of its ability.
Some people have Mac brains and need Mac operating systems. others have easy child brains and need easy child operating systems. The education system generally goes only one way, but for those whose brains are wired differently, they need to find their own way of operating, so they can then interface with the mainstream method of education (or interaction in general).
Depending on what task you need to do, a easy child can be better than a Mac, or vice versa. In the same way, some people have talents that the other group has to struggle with. And vice versa.
For example, those with a really great memory can recall lots of information. But other people can USE that information and make some really interesting connections. Different brains work in different ways. And if we didn't have these differences, humanity would have missed out on some amazing people who were able to produce marvellous advances in knowledge and technology.
At no stage do you say which group has Mac brains or which have easy child brains. You don't identify difficult child as belonging to any specific group; just that he belongs to a different group to a lot of others, which can mean some difficulties with other people (especially teachers, who are mainly dealing with one type of leaner, and he is a different type) but it can also mean that when his brain does go off and do its own thing, he will produce some wonderful outcomes all on his own. He has amazing abilities and knowledge already, at 7 - what more can he achieve as he grows, matures and learns to adapt? Because adapt he will. He's already doing it, they can't hep it.
That adaptation will help his unusual brain find a 'key' to access the learning developed for the other type of brain. it's harder for him and frustrating, but some degree of interface will be needed. However, if he can accept his differences, value them and work with them (including taking his medications, which give his brain a chance to focus as deeply and intently as his brain can do at its best, without the distractibility due to the ADHD) then he will find that he can fit the entire galaxy into one little head. As and when he chooses.
This can be scary for a little kid, but the medications make it easier. However, that also make it exciting as even he doesn't know just how much that brain of his can do, until he gives it a chance by using medications to cut back on the distractibility. He doesn't have to take medications all the time; if he feels they're stifling the way he thinks then maybe he could not take them on weekends. But THE SCHOOL (and after them, society) is simply not set up to work with his way of thinking, so he needs to make this adaptation.
Another way to explain it - we have lots of switches in our brains. Some are 'on' switches, some are 'off' switches. Sometimes we use an 'off' switch to throw in a circuit to help us concentrate. But in ADHD, one particular 'off' switch isn't working properly, it gets switched back and forth by other sensory stimuli when it should stay off. The ADHD medications are supposed to work by keeping that 'off' switch closed, when WE want it closed. Even on medications, if you want that switch on, then you can switch it on. For example, when you want to just play and have fun. But when you need to concentrate, the medications help by holding that switch shut as long as you want it shut (or until the medications wear off).
If he says he feels tired, a bit emotional, angry or confused towards the end of the day when he's taken medications, consider that he may be objecting due to rebound. He's a bright kid, he may have a bright reason which he may not have been able to put into words (it can happen, even with the most articulate kid). Then you say to him, "I think I know what the problem might be; you need to tell this to the doctor and see if he can help find a better way."
Empower him appropriately, to take charge of his own health. If he's not happy, he needs to learn to say so appropriately instead of just refusing. But these kids WILL get stubborn and refuse, if they feel they're not being heard. You can't use the "because I said so, that's why!" on these kids. Because they will use it back to you later on, and then wonder why it gets an angry response.
In a pinch, ADHD can be managed without medications. Personally, I hate the idea, but I've known people who had no choice. They DO learn to adapt. But it's very hard on them, and those around them.
My personal view - you may need to consider home schooling. A really bright child often learns in a different way and needs access to different ways of learning, so they can do their best by choosing their own path. An example I give - difficult child 3. He was doing poorly in mainstream, although he always got high marks in tests (no distraction when they were given). He was never given extension in his best subject (maths) because he never finished the main class work set (because he was bored by it; he already knew it and didn't like his time wasted). But other topics he simply didn't learn at all. Such as Geography. He missed more and more school due to 'illness' and I would insist he do schoolwork at home, even when unwell. Because I was running out of work for him to do, and because I knew he had no clue about other countries (or even this one) I bought a copy of "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" I'd have got him something else if I could have, but it was a start. He played it over and over and because it presented Geography in such a holistic way, he now has a complete picture of the globe; the countries in it' where they are with respect to each other; special features about those countries and so on. Now, as he learns more from watching the news or hearing other information, he can slot the new information into his frame of reference. But school didn't give him that frame of reference - we did. Or more accurately, he did, once given access to a mode of learning that was very different.
Socially, difficult child 3 is doing a lot better studying at home. When I go shopping he comes too and interacts appropriately with shopkeepers and members of the public (apart from his tendency to strike up a conversation with a total stranger, and tell them every intimate family detail!). He's charming, polite, helpful and a treasure. He still has his problems but he's working to overcome them. He loves acquiring knowledge and what I most often hear from total strangers, after only a few minutes conversation, is "What an intelligent child!"
They can see it - I can't, as much.
Your son sounds highly visual (early reading, including newspapers). When schoolwork is presented in writing, it minimises distraction. I suspect his reading is enjoyable for him because the information is absorbed much more easily. Does he prefer having subtitles on when he watches a DVD? If he does, does he watch the same DVDs over and over? That is very telling, they're often rehearsing social cues when they do this. They don't realise they're doing it.
I really wish I could meet your son (and MWM's son), he sounds so much like difficult child 3 at that age. And when I look back to how difficult child 3 was, and see where he is now, I'm so full of hope for so many other similar kids.
Marg
