Hi SP - my difficult child was very much like yours. Varsity Athlete, Straight A student, a big group of nice friends, a good role model to his brother and a wonderful son. Please learn from my mistakes.
He started smoking pot his second semester away at school and we've watched him spiral downward ever since. His first year grades were mediocre. Like your son, we "caught" him having smoked pot his first weekend home for summer break. We thought we had it nipped in the bud. H had a long talk with him and we thought things were OK. We didn't dig too deeply over the summer, figured boys would be boys, and we'd get him back to school for his sophomore year. While we weren't comfortable with the fact that he was out every night over the summer (and working all day), we figured it was pretty typical thing most families struggle with when their child returns from being away at school. My son never really fell back into the family life - we had moments, both otherwise, he was distant, and we didn't push him. We just placated the situation and waited for him to go back to school.
Long story short, he rented an off campus apartment without our knowledge and we have every reason to believe (now) that he intended to pretend to live in the dorms while living off campus. (our deal had been - dorm for 2 years, then apartment) Still, we made the best of this and worked like heck to get him out of the dorm contract (so we wouldn't have to pay for it). That was around August 20. Like Nancy and many moms - I shopped for rudimentary furnishing, a mattress, housewares so that my son's apartment would be a "home". A few days before he was to leave, I was preparing to re-format his hard drive (with his permission) and when I copied his bookmarks, his Amazon page popped up with a window of "items recently looked at" and then I clicked on "my account" and saw the purchase of a two grinders, rolling papers, a scale and a rolling machine. This was August 29. He was leaving for school in 4 more days.
We sat him down that night and told him we could not let him return to school knowing he was smoking pot regularly. We asked him to stay home and go to school locally and get his life on track. Much to our surprise, he balked. Moved out that night and returned to school with no financial support nor means to pay tuition. He did enroll, paid 1/2 his tuition from his summer earnings and failed out. He is now suspended with a 1.4 GPA and owes the school more than $2000. He came home for Christmas Break -- lied to us that he was enrolled and getting good grades, and we played nice for 6 weeks. A few days before he was to leave again, we learned the truth. Again, we asked him to stay home, get help, go to school locally, and again he balked. After a tumultuous week, he left for good to return to his college apartment with no job, no money and no school to attend. Haven't really heard from him since. (the play by play is on this board, a page or two back)
My mistakes?? I didn't rock the boat. I knew things weren't making sense, my "mother's intuition" was sending alarms - but I wanted to believe in him. I didn't search his room hard enough (now I know to look behind drawers and picture frames), I didn't insist he get professional help while I still had a chance. I had no idea that his pot smoking was that prolific and that his lying skills were that good. I placated the situation, believed what I wanted to believe and by doing that- I handed him control. When I thought I was giving second chances? i was actually lowering the bar. PLEASE LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES.
You trusted your son, he violated that trust, you no longer owe him trust. Please watch him carefully. Think about drug testing him. He's driving your car? If he doesn't test drug free in 30 days, you take his keys.
Sure, maybe I sound like I am over-reacting. I only wish I had over-reacted with my own son.
And welcome to the boards. Glad you found us.
