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Substance Abuse
New Husband's daughter making me unwell.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748994" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I believe the first step is as you have done, the setting boundaries in your home and around you and your things.</p><p></p><p>With what you have described she is abusive, lies, steals, and is not functioning within the normal spectrum of adult behavior. In this society when that happens, people go to treatment, or get some other kind of help. That she chooses not to is her right, but that does not mean that you (or anybody else) has to deal with her. You are right.</p><p></p><p>You support your husband by insisting that your home and relationship be safe. By doing that you support him to gain strength and perspective on this impossibly sad situation. All of us differ in terms of our ability to set limits and to maintain them, and how we define essential limits, and how these evolve. He will do this as he can. There is no other way.</p><p></p><p>You are in the process of accepting that you deserve to have limits, and the sense you have a right to impose these in your relationship with your husband. I know you know that you have the right to say "no," but there has to be a part of you that feels somehow that you are wrong. Or else, why would you be suffering and ill? To understand something intellectually is not necessarily to accept it in your gut. And there is the conflict about wanting to support your husband, that he not suffer. All of this is horribly hard.</p><p></p><p>I think your husband in his heart of hearts may be aligned with you in what he wants. But may not have the strength to follow through. Yet.</p><p></p><p>I have an adult child too that does not live as I would like. There is nothing that gives me peace. I hate it when he's gone and I hate it when he's here. Each is its own exquisite agony. But I am able now to make him leave when he crosses boundaries that have been agreed upon. And more and more he is accepting that he must leave if he does not do as agreed upon. (Although he sees this more like a child sees consequences. Not as an adult who makes a commitment and takes responsibility to meet it.)</p><p></p><p>Question: What are the foil bits? Is it to smoke the stuff? If there is drug paraphernalia around, how is it that your husband refuses to see this for what it is? And the face sores. In my experience, when those show up, it indicates a serious level of use.</p><p></p><p>Does your husband understand the peril she is in? Does he understand the peril anybody around her is in, by being around her? If she is using meth she is an accident waiting to happen. In terms of who she associates with, what she does, the law, and what happens.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday, there was<em> the third house fire</em> one house down from where I have a rental caused by meth-using homeless people that have overrun the place. This time the fire seemed to be related to a fight between two women. <em>The first one somebody torched the gas main. </em>The danger continues even though the city turned off all of the utilities to the house.</p><p></p><p>I echo what the other poster said, KSM, I think, that the idea of counseling makes sense. While everybody on this forum would understand what your husband is going through, he may need help. Maybe the best thing for you is going to turn out to be the best thing for him. Which is support, open communication and a plan on how to confront this situation together. Maybe a counselor could help explain to your husband what he is seeing with his own eyes but cannot "see."</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, he is very blessed to have you. Dealing with this alone is very hard. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748994, member: 18958"] I believe the first step is as you have done, the setting boundaries in your home and around you and your things. With what you have described she is abusive, lies, steals, and is not functioning within the normal spectrum of adult behavior. In this society when that happens, people go to treatment, or get some other kind of help. That she chooses not to is her right, but that does not mean that you (or anybody else) has to deal with her. You are right. You support your husband by insisting that your home and relationship be safe. By doing that you support him to gain strength and perspective on this impossibly sad situation. All of us differ in terms of our ability to set limits and to maintain them, and how we define essential limits, and how these evolve. He will do this as he can. There is no other way. You are in the process of accepting that you deserve to have limits, and the sense you have a right to impose these in your relationship with your husband. I know you know that you have the right to say "no," but there has to be a part of you that feels somehow that you are wrong. Or else, why would you be suffering and ill? To understand something intellectually is not necessarily to accept it in your gut. And there is the conflict about wanting to support your husband, that he not suffer. All of this is horribly hard. I think your husband in his heart of hearts may be aligned with you in what he wants. But may not have the strength to follow through. Yet. I have an adult child too that does not live as I would like. There is nothing that gives me peace. I hate it when he's gone and I hate it when he's here. Each is its own exquisite agony. But I am able now to make him leave when he crosses boundaries that have been agreed upon. And more and more he is accepting that he must leave if he does not do as agreed upon. (Although he sees this more like a child sees consequences. Not as an adult who makes a commitment and takes responsibility to meet it.) Question: What are the foil bits? Is it to smoke the stuff? If there is drug paraphernalia around, how is it that your husband refuses to see this for what it is? And the face sores. In my experience, when those show up, it indicates a serious level of use. Does your husband understand the peril she is in? Does he understand the peril anybody around her is in, by being around her? If she is using meth she is an accident waiting to happen. In terms of who she associates with, what she does, the law, and what happens. Yesterday, there was[I] the third house fire[/I] one house down from where I have a rental caused by meth-using homeless people that have overrun the place. This time the fire seemed to be related to a fight between two women. [I]The first one somebody torched the gas main. [/I]The danger continues even though the city turned off all of the utilities to the house. I echo what the other poster said, KSM, I think, that the idea of counseling makes sense. While everybody on this forum would understand what your husband is going through, he may need help. Maybe the best thing for you is going to turn out to be the best thing for him. Which is support, open communication and a plan on how to confront this situation together. Maybe a counselor could help explain to your husband what he is seeing with his own eyes but cannot "see." Meanwhile, he is very blessed to have you. Dealing with this alone is very hard. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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New Husband's daughter making me unwell.
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