new member here... introduction

[Star*]

OMG you are TOO perfect !!!!

A BUCKEY that is a MOOSE??? (We love our Buckeyes and we LOVE moose here too) - Totoro even has them in her back yard. I enjoy eating moose poop - now that you are thoroughly shocked I should tell you it's candy. It just looks comely!

Welcome!

Your son needs a heavy bag - they work wonders.

He also needs some help learning how to vent his anger. At this point - he's using self-taught coping skills - hence stabbing the 'everything'. If he never learns that there are alternatives - he's going to keep doing what he does to relieve the stress and pain. He's not doing it because he wants to - he's doing it because it's all he knows to do at his age. There are alternatives!!!! They take time to learn.

He needs to be taught that it's okay to be angry, he just needs to express that anger in an appropriate manner, AND he just may not need to hear those words from YOU.

My son has HUGE anger management problems - he has been given several suggestions by therapists and counselors of "alternative" to stabbing - when he is /was angry.

We also provided him with things to hit when he was younger - like........
Baseballs
trees
the ground
sand pile worked the best -

That was given while we worked on the appropriate ways to express anger.

Eventually he has matured (some) and learned to
breathe
go to a space in his head
walk off
stress his body physically to the point of nearly passing out - works with high anxiety cases and isn't hard to learn at all - but takes a bit of getting used to watching. I use it when I think I want to choke him. lol (see it has a bonus)

Hang around here -
We're a pretty neat group

Hugs
Star

 

[Marguerite]

Star, you took the words right out of my mouth. About the need to vent, I mean, not about the moose poop!

I also think that maybe this is an area where we do think differently in Australia, for cultural reasons. Stabbing things - I wouldn't be worrying too much about him suddenly changing to stabbing people instead of things, because in fact what I think he is doing, is using the stabbing of THINGS as a way of releasing tension.
So instead of getting scared by it and tiptoeing around him, I'd be talking about it with him more openly, in terms of finding more acceptable, manageable ways of venting. I mean, stabbing the toothpaste or the shower curtain isn't helpful for others in the house, because you then have to go out and buy more toothpaste (or another shower curtain).

We went through this with difficult child 1. He has a set of throwing knives, he used to take them down the backyard to a large stump and throw the knives at the stump. Or he would take a machete and go attack some of the woody weeds we have growing. But whatever - he was removing himself from being around other people, and working out his anger in an area where the only things getting damaged were weeds and a dead stump.
We talked, we discussed ways of de-fusing. Before the knives and machete, I used to get him to jump on a jogging trampoline to burn off his aggression and energy.

What he has done since when upset - he will go climb a tree (we have a very large one, about twice as high as the house and filling the entire front garden). If he's dressed in black and it's after dark, we can't find him except as a silhouette.

He only once tried to stab someone (his sister, with a screwdriver) and it really scared him (scared his sister, too). I don't think even that would have happened if she hadn't been blocking his way out.

I do think you need to consider challenging/checking the diagnosis, if you are not happy with the various professionals you have seen then that may be with good reason. Incompetence in one area of their profession could easily carry over to another area (diagnosis).

In the meantime - read books on how to manage, day to day (it's independent of diagnosis). "Explosive Child" has been added to your reading list, I noticed. I think you will find it resonates with you.

And if you haven't worked it out yet, difficult child - "Gift From God", the child that brought us to this site. There is a link listing the acronyms, you'll work them out fairly quickly.

Stims in general - these are recommended in ADHD, to substitute for the brain's failure to properly stimulate the inhibitory centre in the brain. But some kids react to one or another. Or all, if really unlucky.
difficult child 1 had rebound problems on ritalin but has been fine on dex. The doctor feels that if he tried Concerta (as in sustained release ritalin) he probably wouldn't have the same rebound problems, but he's not wanting to change form what is working for him, for now - privately compounded sustained release dex.
difficult child 3 has been switched from the slow release dex to Concerta, but we've been having trouble recently probably due to the dose not being high enough. difficult child 3's best friend is on Concerta and it's working brilliantly for him. It really is a matter of finding what works and avoiding what doesn't. I can't tell you that Concerta WILL be a problem, or will NOT be a problem. Nobody can. There is no way to predict what will work for which kid, it's just "su-ck it and see" (that is the word which got censored, I gather - I'm learning how to be careful, most of the time I substitute another word; there are some very surprising words which get censored and some surprising ones which do not).

So for now - talk to him about planning ahead of times, on more acceptable and perhaps more satisfying ways to de-stress.
Also, his self-esteem is rock-bottom. I don't think there's anything sinister in the way his face shut down when scolded by the teacher - he probably considers himself a naturally bad person who can never stay good, long term. And he hates it. He needs to know that it's not his fault and he CAN learn to see himself as a good person, if he can learn to understand why things are so much more difficult for him. Sometimes learning that there is something wrong that is not his fault, can help a great deal. Even though to us as parents it's bad news, from his point of view he already knows there is something wrong and probably thinks it's much worse than what really is the matter. He could be thinking he's a pathological nasty destined for prison, while all he needs is to find a different way of learning. The relief in being told the truth can be amazing. However, we found with both boys that there was a period which followed during which they didn't want to know, or tried to pretend it was all going away and they would be normal.

At no time did we make things seem really bad because of their diagnosis (which includes ADHD) - it's simply the way they are. There are handicaps, but there can be advantages too. When a person with ADHD really concentrates on something they're good at, their focus is much more intense. They also seem to have more energy and when channelled well this can be useful. They enjoy outdoor work more, they can be very good with their hands. They can be very smart and able to think laterally, often with above average problems solving skills.

Of course there are the disadvantages too, but if he can see balance in the diagnosis, he may be more willing to accept that he has a good side, too.

The divorce won't have helped and I'm very glad he has this group. I would make it clear to him that you agree with his priority here. Endorse it - he is clearly getting something out of it, perhaps of more value to him than a therapist has been until now.

Welcome aboard, let us know how you get on.

Marg