Nightmares

[newstart]

Since my latest verbal attack from my daughter, I have been drained and having severe nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat.. I know it is part of the PTSD. I look forward to when these nightmares go away. One of the nightmares I had was that I had killed 3 people and a friend was going to tell the police. In my dream I kept thinking how and why did I do such a horrific thing and I don't remember doing what I was being accused of doing. When I woke up I thought maybe that is what it is like to be manic, that you do all kinds of crazy things and don't remember any of it. I think I am trying hard to feel compassion for my abusive daughter and that is why I keep trying and that is why the abuse happens over and over again. I have studied 'Devaluation period' and that fits my daughter to the T. She can sometimes be ok and I feel as if we have something workable and then like a light switch it changes to hating and abusing me. Today I feel major sad and deep down sorrow. I can not explain in the right words the hole in my heart.
My daughters neighbors have told me that my daughter is not in her home but a few times a week. I know she is staying at her boyfriends mother's house, the mother died last Dec. If she moves in full time not sure if I am going to rent out her home or sale it. When she goes through the devaluing stage with her boyfriend and he kicks her out, she will be homeless and I certainly do not want her here living with me or even staying here.
Today I sent her a text asking if she was ok because we got massive amounts of rain. She said she was and sent me a picture of all the rain water by her home.
My daughter has been posting all kinds of stuff aimed at me on FB. The other day she posted a huge picture of Jesus and about forgiveness. .

I see moms and daughter's shopping and laughing, having lunch and enjoying each other. They have no idea how lucky they are to have this blessed time together.
I know I have mentioned this before, my grandmother and I had a very strong sisterhood. I loved having that strong bond with her and knowing she had my back. I felt so deeply loved by her. That love is what helped me in my adulthood to make good strong decisions. I want to give and share that type of love with my daughter so we both can benefit. The loss of that strong healing bond is so deeply painful to me because I know all the healthy benefits that come from that.
I have different kinds of bonds with other people, I love my husband and friends but I want to give and receive that love from my own daughter.
I sometimes feel my daughter is sadistic and it gives her some type of power or pleasure to hurt me, it has to be satisfying for her to harm me or else she would not keep doing it.

If my daughter was moving away with a good decent man I would feel satisfied. She is with a very immature man, and they keep each other in so much confusion and turmoil. It is truly one of the most toxic relationships I have ever seen and my daughter will tell you it is very toxic yet she keeps going with it. I tell her I just want her to be happy....

Tomorrow I will continue to work on finding my happiness and new place in life. I never knew I would feel this deep of sorrow at this age. I thought I could never hurt as much as my son's death and yet this tops it.

 

[Helpless29]

I’m so sorry you are going through this, I wish I can give you advice but I myself am still going through so much with my 17 year old son who is back in Juvenile Detention. I can relate to you saying how you feel when you see mothers & daughters and there good relationships shopping & bonding, I feel the same way when all my friends are talking about there sons graduating HS getting ready for college , doing all these great things& here my son is sitting in a detention center in a cell.I feel so jealous and hurt why can’t I have the same thing .I feel your pain even though are circumstances are different . I to am having a rough day & have been consumed with thoughts of my son.I will pray for us to have strength & better days.Sending love & hugs

 

[RN0441]

Newstart: I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I do not know how you can find peace during this but you must keep searching for it until you find it. I know that I would. You have to let go and let God handle this. It is so very hard to do for all of us.

Helpless: I feel for you and your son's situation. I think I have mentioned this before but I have been in that exact same spot with my son. All I can tell you is that your son is still young and at some point hopefully a light will come on and he will realize that he does not want to live like this. He doesn't want to live without his family - as our son did but it took him until he was about 22 to realize this. I cannot tell you the joy I have right now spending time with him and enjoying his crazy humor and how he tries to hard to please us and do kind things for us. And he wants to succeed. He said he has failed enough. Wow can't put it any more simple than that!! If it can happen for us it can happen for anyone. He was so far down the rabbit hole I thought he'd never emerge.

I know that may not help you through the hurting you now feel but my only advice to both of you ladies is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and KEEP PRAYING. Never give that up.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I feel so badly for you. I thought Kay would be my princess and BFF. I didn't even care if I never had any other child after bringing her home to my family. Now, of course, I'm grateful.

However, I never have lunches and shopping dates with Kay. I never did unless I was buying her something that she wanted. And I don't even get to see Amy all the time now that she has a boyfriend. I think maybe I expected too much from my kids in the way of company. I think adult kids have their own lives these days. Most work and have kids....mom is not the priority. Times are busy now.

Hon, I know I have said this before and mean it gently but I think your daughter, like mine, sounds more borderline than bipolar. They are very difficult and moody and can be very cruel. They are not safe for us. The disorder is often misdiagnosed as bipolar. I think both of our daughters know exactly what they say and do. I think we must protect our mom hearts. We can lose everything to them. They will take it all. They don't wish us well....I hope I am proven wrong. But this is my perspective right now.

We do wish for nice boyfriends for our girls, but I think they find who they find because of who they are. They are drawn to drama and contention. So they pick men that create that dynamic. It's very hard. But it is what it is.

I am so sorry about those nightmares. Have you ever received therapy?

I send you prayers and love. This will level off.

 

[newstart]

I’m so sorry you are going through this, I wish I can give you advice but I myself am still going through so much with my 17 year old son who is back in Juvenile Detention. I can relate to you saying how you feel when you see mothers & daughters and there good relationships shopping & bonding, I feel the same way when all my friends are talking about there sons graduating HS getting ready for college , doing all these great things& here my son is sitting in a detention center in a cell.I feel so jealous and hurt why can’t I have the same thing .I feel your pain even though are circumstances are different . I to am having a rough day & have been consumed with thoughts of my son.I will pray for us to have strength & better days.Sending love & hugs

Hi Hopeless, I am so sorry that you are on this wicked road with me. I wish your son was not in juvenile Detention and that he would balance out. Thank you for your prayers. Praying together, we can make a good difference.

 

[newstart]

Newstart: I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I do not know how you can find peace during this but you must keep searching for it until you find it. I know that I would. You have to let go and let God handle this. It is so very hard to do for all of us.

Helpless: I feel for you and your son's situation. I think I have mentioned this before but I have been in that exact same spot with my son. All I can tell you is that your son is still young and at some point hopefully a light will come on and he will realize that he does not want to live like this. He doesn't want to live without his family - as our son did but it took him until he was about 22 to realize this. I cannot tell you the joy I have right now spending time with him and enjoying his crazy humor and how he tries to hard to please us and do kind things for us. And he wants to succeed. He said he has failed enough. Wow can't put it any more simple than that!! If it can happen for us it can happen for anyone. He was so far down the rabbit hole I thought he'd never emerge.

I know that may not help you through the hurting you now feel but my only advice to both of you ladies is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and KEEP PRAYING. Never give that up.

RN0441, I hand it over to God and then try to take it back, and hand it over to him again and again. Great advice you gave Helpless and for the hope for her future. Helpless, just know many of us pray for you and each other.
RN, In one of your other posts you had mentioned your strained relationship with your sister. I have a sister two years older than me. She is truly not nice to me.. She has resented my grandmother and I being so close. My sister was difficult for my grandmother and I don't think grandmother cared too much for her. My sister had a mean streak and my grandmother did not tolerate it. My grandmother took me on several trips but did not take my sister. I remember once when grandmother took my sister and me to France, my sister was moody and mouthy and that was the end of her traveling with us. It was my sisters awful behavior that ruined her trips. My sister is now 65 and she is still mad about this. I would love peace with her but this has ruined it and it was not even my fault. I am so sorry about you and your sister and as we get older, we really need the love and support of each other.
I pray for your son to continue on the right path. Jesus, hear our prayers.

 

[newstart]

Hi. I feel so badly for you. I thought Kay would be my princess and BFF. I didn't even care if I never had any other child after bringing her home to my family. Now, of course, I'm grateful.

However, I never have lunches and shopping dates with Kay. I never did unless I was buying her something that she wanted. And I don't even get to see Amy all the time now that she has a boyfriend. I think maybe I expected too much from my kids in the way of company. I think adult kids have their own lives these days. Most work and have kids....mom is not the priority. Times are busy now.

Hon, I know I have said this before and mean it gently but I think your daughter, like mine, sounds more borderline than bipolar. They are very difficult and moody and can be very cruel. They are not safe for us. The disorder is often misdiagnosed as bipolar. I think both of our daughters know exactly what they say and do. I think we must protect our mom hearts. We can lose everything to them. They will take it all. They don't wish us well....I hope I am proven wrong. But this is my perspective right now.

We do wish for nice boyfriends for our girls, but I think they find who they find because of who they are. They are drawn to drama and contention. So they pick men that create that dynamic. It's very hard. But it is what it is.

I am so sorry about those nightmares. Have you ever received therapy?

I send you prayers and love. This will level off.

BusyNmember, I believe my daughter maybe both bipolar/borderline also narcissistic plus psychopathy while manic. Sometime I think it is a demon.
There have been times like for a couple of months that she is ok. We have lunch and dinners together and we do ok. I have seen an ok side to her but not for a very long time. I stay in a confusion because of the gold nuggets I get from her from time to time. When my daughter is not manic she can actually be ok, I still have to dodge the lies but I try to work with it. I think the older I get the less patience I have for dodging the lies.
I recently saw this meme that said 'If someone keeps draining your energy, why do you keep giving them the straw'.

I have received therapy for many years. Recently I have been listening to Dr. Ramni on Youtube. She said to make a list of everything the disordered person has done that is terrible and read it when you miss them. I have filled a bunch of pages and when I read it, it puts my life in real perspective. The stuff on that list is shocking and sad. I was hoping that by the time my daughter got near age 40 she would be grateful for things but it seems she has become worse. Reading the list is helping me to keep distance.

I am still having some nightmares.. Last night was rough. I think I struggle so hard because I feel I have come face to face with the devil.
I continue to pray for you and for all of us. Amen.

 

[JayPee]

Newstart,

I feel for the emotional pain and longing in your heart. Wishing and hoping for things that have not happened. It hurts. I've been there too (not very long ago). I used to cringe when people started talking about how well their children were doing...college, families, buying new homes. I felt so ashamed at the failures I felt my two sons were. So many horrible, hurtful things have happened in the past that have ripped my heart in two. It is very tough going through this and I think I've said this before but pray for yourself. Pray that God changes YOU...and when you pray, relax when you pray so you are open to what He has to give. I read somewhere before that said if your fist is clenched, how can you be open to what someone has to give you?

I truly think the only way my situation improved was because I changed. Even amidst the sorrow and despair, the wishing and the hoping I had the courage to say to myself, well...let me work on myself while my sons are in such a pitiful state in their lives. It felt very selfish at first. I would go out to eat with my sister or spend time with her and other family while my two sons were living in their cars, often freezing in the wintertime in New England. It's not that I abandoned them because the Lord knows I tried and tried to fix their lives but nothing ever really started to change for them until they were ready. I had to push myself through moments like this often times not really being present but knowing it's what I needed to do. They have a very long way to go but they both live under a roof now and both are working. That is nothing short of a miracle. It's not perfect but compared to where they were at a few years ago, I'll take it.

I also went to a therapist and maybe that's something you might consider. There's so much anxiety and guilt that we experience as we are trying to maneuver through these situations with our children. It's not a wonder when you try to sleep you have these horrible dreams. It's part of the fear, obligation and guilt that you experiencing.

Practice self-care and pray for yourself to change in whatever "healthy" way is necessary to help you get through this.

 

[newstart]

JayPee, Thank you for your heartful kind message. It is hard for me to do me first. I have always felt satisfied when I serve others. I know it is important for my own health to do me. Sometimes I do not even go on vacation because my daughter is in another never ending crisis and I cannot relax well knowing she is hurting. "F" it, I just can't keeping helping her and get spit on while I am doing it. I have not said one word to her since July 28th. It has been a break from the lies and other crap. She has sent me a few texts wanting there to be peace but in reality there will not be peace with her since she is unpeaceful. My daughter is extremely draining since she is off and on with her boyfriend.
I am so sorry for all your grief JayPee. Does your older son have a steady boyfriend? I have seen gay men make a complete turn around for the better when they have a good mate. I know having two off track children has left you tired and for you to have also gone through a divorce. I admire you and your strength.

 

[JayPee]

Newstart,
I completely understand it's hard to put you first. Even though I'm better I often question myself (momentarily) wondering if I'm selfish. But only because of good family support, Al anon and a therapist (which I don't see anymore since COVID but did for a couple of years) I have been assured that I'm not selfish taking care of myself.

I'm an "enabler" in recovery and I'm betting you have a little bit of that in yourself. We rescue, fix and put out fires. That was my full time job for so very long so that when I stopped making everyone else the focus of my life, it felt very odd and uncomfortable and "selfish". BUT it isn't.

Even though it hurts not to communicate with your daughter right now just don't think of it as "forever". It's a temporary time in your life and hers that's needed for healing to take place (whether or not for her is out of your control). But I had a lot of verbal abuse from both of my sons and the only way that they understood I wouldn't tolerate that anymore was when I put up my boundaries and stopped communicating with them (with younger son it wasn't a complete boundary but still got my point across). The last time my older son went off on me, I didn't speak to him for 8 months. My heart was empty and hurt and longed to have communication with him again, but I knew deep down that I needed to make my point. That I was worth something and have value and if he didn't respect that than I didn't need him in my life. I think for a long time because of my guilt of wishing I had been better as a mother, wife or hadn't tolerated my ex-husband's drinking so long etc. that I felt I deserved their verbal abuse but that is all part of the sick cycle of it. You don't...We don't deserve to be mistreated verbally or otherwise.

I don't know if my son has a steady boyfriend. Once and a while he'll tell me about someone but he's very private. I do think though if there was someone special he would tell me. I agree that if that happened it might make his life a little better.

Keep on doing what your doing and take it one day at a time.

 

[RN0441]

What great and enlightening advice JayPee! That is so helpful to read for any of us.

Thanks Newstart, I wish things were different with my only sister but they are not. I think that because my sister was put into foster care (different father than me and she is 19 years my senior) and she was abused and felt unwanted, she emotionally shut down. So very sad.

I did not have a good childhood either (alcoholic mother, father was a wife beater but a good dad - sounds weird I know) however I sought counseling and God to get me through my young adulthood. Both my parents were deceased by the time I was 17-1/2 years old.

My sister was never there for me emotionally and I don't hold that against her. I wish she had gotten help but I get it. In fact, I had to beg her for her "sisterhood" at one point in time. It was always me trying to keep her in my life for the most part.

The bottom line is we all handle things differently but we cannot and must not let these bad things that happen to us define us nor set us up for an unhappy life. We have to be stronger than that. I have been in the "pursuit of happiness" my entire life and I will continue to do that until the day I am no longer on this earth.