No contact

[Sleepymom1]

Hi all - like so many of you, I have been on and off this board many times over the years, trying to find answers and others who understand. I feel like I have almost seen it all with my son, now 26 - drugs, incarceration, homelessness, verbal abuse and ultimately physical abuse, which led to my moving out of the house I shared with him. I love him, but I just couldn't take it anymore. We moved out of our house in March, right as all the COVID craziness was starting. I moved into a nice apartment with my boyfriend and our pets. It is so nice coming home to a calm environment every day. No more walking on eggshells to see what kind of mood my son will be in each day. My son was homeless for awhile. I would meet him periodically at his request and give him rides, food, and yes, even money at times. It hurt seeing him homeless, but I had finally learned to put myself first. He was begging on the street corners for money. He finally was able to rent a room from someone for awhile. Of course, after a few months, that was no longer working out. He called me on a Sunday, basically demanding that I drive out to where he was staying (about 40 minutes from me) and help him move out that very day. I told him I could not help him that day for multiple reasons - it was Sunday late afternoon, and I had to prepare for work the next day; it was pouring down rain, etc etc. I told him I could help him the following weekend. He yelled at me repeatedly, and finally stated that if I didn't come help him that day, I "would never see or hear from him again." So far he has held true to his word, and I have not seen him or heard from him in over 3 months. I honestly can't believe he has not contacted me for help, rides, money, etc. I think he has blocked my number on his phone, as I have tried to call and text him a few times and it doesn't go through. Honestly, in some ways it is a relief, but also, it is very sad knowing I have a son out there in the world, and I have no idea where he is. His dad has not heard from him, either. I think he always wanted to live "off the grid," and it seems he may have found a way to do just that. Of course, I also worry something bad has happened to him. I am curious to hear from others who may be estranged from their adult children - how do you handle it? How do you control the worries and fears? I have started seeing a therapist, which definitely helps some. I also have a wonderful young adult daughter, so I try and focus on her as much as I can. But, in quiet moments especially, it hurts. Thank you in advance for your replies. Happy New Year, and God bless!

 

[BusynMember1]

My daughter is estranged from us, homeless and mentally ill. I so feel for you.

Kay cut us off when we stopped giving her money. We spent so much on her we have little.left and not.one thing we did to try to help her did any good. She is married with a useless husband and together they don't work, smoke pot and maybe more and hate everything.

My husband and I needed private therapy and also go to Nar Anon. Our church and other grown kids help us. We simply have to keep up what we are doing now because we can never go back to the way things were or it will kill us. Literally. So we need to keep on coping with estrangement. For us the contact with her was worse than estrangement is.

I worry too. But we can not force Kay to take care of herself. She is in her 30s. We have no control over her. We know it may end badly but we are choosing to put ourselves and other loved ones before her....with the help that I talked about.

I know this path is hard. But we can do this. Sending prayers and hugs and lots of love.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

My son (24) has cut us off since August of this year. He did it before but came back to us at the start of the pandemic, as we have a separate building he can stay in. My situation is like yours except he has (AFAIK) no addiction issues and lives very cleanly on the whole. He displays all the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder with narcissistic traits, although sometimes I think he fakes the whole thing just to wind us up, as he is very very manipulative and always has been. After another glass-smashing and verbal abuse incident I finally had enough and politely asked him to leave to stay in a hotel for a few days as a 'time out'. He created a memorable scene and we called the police, he left and since then nothing. Though we are able to see a few posts he puts on social media, so I believe he is OK and has some kind of accommodation.
I got myself a rescue dog and pour all my excess care and love into her. It really helps, and I also reflect on the fact that my son is an adult man and needs to regain his self-respect and independence. Receiving help from parents is not conducive to a young man's sense of pride and self respect in my opinion, and I believe that every time we rescued or helped him in the past was a blow to his ego. I have determined that I will not help him even if he asks, unless maybe he has some 'skin in the game' so that my support would be helping him achieve something HE had started/organised/planned.I don't know if my resolve would hold though if he was really in trouble, but I haven't had that test... yet!
Hugs to you, look after yourself, and remember... he is a grown man and can look after himself too!

 

[Sleepymom1]

Thank

My daughter is estranged from us, homeless and mentally ill. I so feel for you.

Kay cut us off when we stopped giving her money. We spent so much on her we have little.left and not.one thing we did to try to help her did any good. She is married with a useless husband and together they don't work, smoke pot and maybe more and hate everything.

My husband and I needed private therapy and also go to Nar Anon. Our church and other grown kids help us. We simply have to keep up what we are doing now because we can never go back to the way things were or it will kill us. Literally. So we need to keep on coping with estrangement. For us the contact with her was worse than estrangement is.

I worry too. But we can not force Kay to take care of herself. She is in her 30s. We have no control over her. We know it may end badly but we are choosing to put ourselves and other loved ones before her....with the help that I talked about.

I know this path is hard. But we can do this. Sending prayers and hugs and lots of love

My daughter is estranged from us, homeless and mentally ill. I so feel for you.

Kay cut us off when we stopped giving her money. We spent so much on her we have little.left and not.one thing we did to try to help her did any good. She is married with a useless husband and together they don't work, smoke pot and maybe more and hate everything.

My husband and I needed private therapy and also go to Nar Anon. Our church and other grown kids help us. We simply have to keep up what we are doing now because we can never go back to the way things were or it will kill us. Literally. So we need to keep on coping with estrangement. For us the contact with her was worse than estrangement is.

I worry too. But we can not force Kay to take care of herself. She is in her 30s. We have no control over her. We know it may end badly but we are choosing to put ourselves and other loved ones before her....with the help that I talked about.

I know this path is hard. But we can do this. Sending prayers and hugs and lots of love.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry any of us have to go through this, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Praying for some good news about our children in the new year!!

 

[Sleepymom1]

My son (24) has cut us off since August of this year. He did it before but came back to us at the start of the pandemic, as we have a separate building he can stay in. My situation is like yours except he has (AFAIK) no addiction issues and lives very cleanly on the whole. He displays all the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder with narcissistic traits, although sometimes I think he fakes the whole thing just to wind us up, as he is very very manipulative and always has been. After another glass-smashing and verbal abuse incident I finally had enough and politely asked him to leave to stay in a hotel for a few days as a 'time out'. He created a memorable scene and we called the police, he left and since then nothing. Though we are able to see a few posts he puts on social media, so I believe he is OK and has some kind of accommodation.
I got myself a rescue dog and pour all my excess care and love into her. It really helps, and I also reflect on the fact that my son is an adult man and needs to regain his self-respect and independence. Receiving help from parents is not conducive to a young man's sense of pride and self respect in my opinion, and I believe that every time we rescued or helped him in the past was a blow to his ego. I have determined that I will not help him even if he asks, unless maybe he has some 'skin in the game' so that my support would be helping him achieve something HE had started/organised/planned.I don't know if my resolve would hold though if he was really in trouble, but I haven't had that test... yet!
Hugs to you, look after yourself, and remember... he is a grown man and can look after himself too!

Thanks so much for your reply. Aaahh, glass smashing and verbal abuse....all too-familiar memories for me as well. Rescue pets are the best!! Not sure how I would manage without my 3 kitties and my doggie. Take care and stay well!

 

[RN0441]

Sleepymom

I think you have to pray for your son and yourself and continue to see your therapist and try to have joy in your life.

I know it's always there in the background but your son has chosen this path for himself and he is a grown man. If he wants to change you would certainly stand by him.

That's all you need to know.

Peace to you.

 

[tishthedish]

Dear Sleepymom,

Of course, I also worry something bad has happened to him. I am curious to hear from others who may be estranged from their adult children - how do you handle it? How do you control the worries and fears?

My elder son was estranged from us from 4+ years. During the ensuing years I kept giving it to God. I would compartmentalize my thoughts of him and STOP if they started to encroach. I had a wise therapist that said when these people are living the streets, they have resources and survival skills that would never occur to you and me. I have a wise mother in law that said that everything happens in God's time. I found some comfort in that. Holidays were challenging, but I chose to be happy with what I had in front of me and not lament his absence. It got easier with Al-Anon and I started taking better and better care of myself. He reached out after my sister died unexpectedly via FB messenger. I kept my FB public so he could see how our family was doing and to keep touch. We started to keep in touch more regularly and he started to visit our home. Now, after a family emergency he is living here and I don't see it working out in the long run. But I am glad he got to spend these last months with his dad who recently passed. A lot of the same behaviors are still there and the hostility is like an undercurrent. It's complicated. But, you can survive. I will probably have to do so again, because I think he wants to stay here and he can't. As much as I love him, he can't. And he won't accept practical help. No matter how hard you worry or try to track him down, it won't change whatever outcome has been put in motion. No resolution can be forced. He has to change in order for there to be a meaningful relationship and it sounds like you are enjoying the respite from the confusion and conflict. Soak up this quiet time and let it restore you.

 

[Sleepymom1]

Thank you so much for your wise words. Yes, my daughter is staying with us for the time being (due to COVID), and I am loving this extra time with her. It is very cold and rainy here today, and I find myself wondering where he is, does he have shelter, is he warm, etc. I know you are right about their survival skills. I hope he has found some kindred spirits so that he is not alone. Hugs and peace to you.