No More Guilt

[Enable-no-more]

Hi I've posted before on a different thread but can't figure out how to get back to it. To stressed to try I guess. My 25 yr old son has serious mood disorders and is verbally abusive towards me and my husband. We've kicked him out since he won't get help. He's now with his girlfriend who enables him and she too is at her wits end. He's so abusive verbally and recently attacked a family member in our home due to thoughts he was having that was totally delusional. He gets pshycosis due to cannibas use. He refuses to get in a 12 step program, he refuses to take his medicine and he won't go to the counseling we set up. I've now blocked him from calling me and I stay away from my home because he just pops up since he lives around the corner. We have put off buying a home for over 5 years because we are always helping him and taking care of all his responsibilities. Like his kids, daycare, phone, Car, etc. we have recently cut him off financially and Praise God we have entered into a contact for a new home. However I can't help but to feel guilty and to think that he may be homeless soon. I'm trying very hard to remind myself these are consequences of his choices not mine and I have made so many sacrifices to ensure he had a good life. I just want peace and I want him to be okay. I want my life back. I want to be able to just be a grandparent.

 

[BusynMember]

Is your son using meth? Maybe he is and you dont know it. Meth causes psychosis. I dont think cannibus does. Meth also causes anger. It is a seriously dangerous drug. We dont know what our kids really use.

At any rate, because of his drug use, unwillingness to stop and your fear of him, i would (and did with my daughter) cut the strings and the Bank of Mom unless you are very rich and also dont care if your money frees him up so he can buy whatever drugs he buys.

If your grandchildren are with the mother perhaps get closer to her and try to have a relationship with them in spite of your son. Your son does not appreciate your kindness. He is too steeped in his addiction. Unless he was diagnosed with a mood disorder before the drug use started, you dont know if he actually has mental illness or is this way due to drugs.

I hope you can find peace in your life regardless of the bad behavior of your adult son. Trust me, even homeless he will be resourceful and find people to take him in for a while and show him where to go for food etc..our grown drug users are very street smart. They know how to survive and the harshness of drug life without your help can motivate them to quit using. If you are not there they are much more apt to turn their lives around. My daughter changed fast after she was cut off without a dime and shown the door. It was one of the hardest, saddest things I ever did...but it worked for her

 

[DoneDad]

You're doing what you need to do to reclaim your life. After you cut him off, he may step up and do what he needs to do. He may not. That's up to him. But he for sure never will while you're enabling him. You're setting yourself free to live the life you deserve, and you're doing the same thing for him. What do you have to feel guilty about?

 

[Tanya M]

However I can't help but to feel guilty and to think that he may be homeless soon.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your son ends up homeless, that is on him not you.

I'm trying very hard to remind myself these are consequences of his choices not mine and I have made so many sacrifices to ensure he had a good life.

You have done all you can for him. You are making a choice to move on with your life and that's a very wise thing to do.

You are doing great, stay steady the course you are on.

Don't stress about your son being homeless. My son has been homeless for years (except for now as his residence is jail) and he has always managed to get by. There is quite a network within homeless communities across the US.

When you move into your new house, embrace it!! It's a fresh start, make good memories there, leave the bad memories at the old house.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

You are an inspiration to me, I hope I have your strength when I need to draw on it in a few years. My Difficult Stepson is 16 now. I see a similar path to your child's in his future.

You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing you can do to save him. He has to help himself. It seems that you know this which is wonderful. Many parents never learn. Enjoy your new home, and I hope your son eventually gets help. It may take some very serious consequences, maybe homelessness, maybe jail, who knows. The more we bail them out of their bad decisions, the harder they will eventually fall even if it happens after we die, because there is nobody left to enable them. Stay strong!

 

[Jabberwockey]

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your son is a 25 year old man who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. Until he does this, there is NO amount of "help" that you can give him that will improve his life. I've worked in Corrections for 25 years and see it every day where one guy finally gets it and another claims to but doesn't have a clue. NOBODY will change until they decide to. As far as the homeless thing, our son is currently homeless in Colorado and staying, somehow, in a nicer hotel room with a hot tub for the week. They figure it out.

Most people here recommend books for people to read. I'm going to start recommending a movie. Its called "Omar and Pete" and its a documentary about two men in their late 40's who grew up on the streets together and in prison together. It gives you an interesting insight into how a criminal thinks. The reason I think its relevant is that probably 85% or more of incarcerated individuals would probably be classified by us as "Difficult Children". One of my favorite quotes from the movie is "Transition is inevitable, but change is a choice". Good luck with both your transition AND your change!

 

[Tanya M]

Its called "Omar and Pete" and its a documentary about two men in their late 40's who grew up on the streets together and in prison together.

This sounds really interesting. Thanks for sharing Jabber!

 

[Jabberwockey]

It is Tanya. Its a movie that is used in drug treatment in Missouri doctor and I use it in my Employability Skills class.