Bugsy,
I'm not sure where you live - BUT....you need to get with someone/psychiatrist/doctor/clergy that can get you TO people who can help you formulate a plan.
Without a plan - you will constantly feel sunk and alone. And in true difficult child fashion you should work with people that can help you facilitate this plan A and have a backup plan B.
A lot of people come here and are at their wits-end. They post and want advice because they can't take it anymore, and believe me there isn't a single person who has children and comes here for support that hasn't felt that on a daily, weekly, monthly or some days minute to minute basis. There is hope - there is support here, but realizing that sometimes you as the parent are going to have to give up the "movie in your head" of what you think should happen is the first step to helping.
I think a lot of parents come here thinking that there may be a magic pill or a book, or diet or wand that we have that you don't and that it will solve all the problems. Odder yet are those who come here, ask for advice, get it and then sit back and go - "Um no - I will do this differently (MY WAY) and not compromise anything I want. You have to be willing to give up even more than you feel you already have. You have to be willing to understand that THIS IS how it is - and while it can be better it takes a LOT of work on your part and on your child's.
Sometimes we are willing to jump through hoops - and our kids don't want to even look at the hoop. The first thing I wish anyone had told me was that this IS a life-long disability that occasionally some grow out of - but most will need continued help and/or we as the parents will have to eventually learn how to detach from our kids and let tough love have it's turn. That is hard, it stinks and no one wants to EVER EVER get to that point with their kids, but sometimes in an effort for self preservation - you must. It doesn't mean you do not love your children. Rather I think it means you love yourself enough to step out of the ring of fire and see the behaviors before you see the child. You learn over time - you have to deal with the behaviors first - then the child may emerge.
One thing at a time - and ALL with a plan. All with a united front with a spouse/so/partner or some support system in place. Currently you need a break from your kid. You need a weekend a day, a dinner, a boatride, a something - away from your kids and not a minute to think about them or their problems. It's not running away - it's self-preservation to clear your parental head so you CAN and ARE able to deal with the 221 things a day that are going to creep up and bite your ankles with each passing minute.
Call a local university and ask them if they have a psychiatric department. I do not know of a single teaching university that will refuse family therapy on a sliding scale fee - and sure you are probably going to get a 4th year psychiatric. student - but for your kid - that's better than nothing AND sitting in someones office and just 'letting-go' for 45 minutes IS a healthy outlet to de-stressing. That's why women have girlfriends we blab to - it's what we do. Some men too.
I know you want your kids to go to a religious school. And I guess I did too. But at what point do you say WHERE he goes to school is more important than getting a support team? Don't ever question that God is there - he is , but you aren't dealing with God in the temple - or school ...you're dealing with people, men/women. And they may or may not ever have had something like what you are dealing with to deal with themselves. So they are at a loss and unknowing about any thing that will help. You are at wits-end and unknowing about anything that will help, but across town is a school that has experience about dealing with kids like your son. Seems like it would be at least worth a try.
IF you got him in with a therapist, and got the school on board - there would be 2 people in your support team, if you got counseling for you and hubby - there is your united front against the behaviors you see daily from difficult child. It's not going to stop them - but it sends a message that THOSE BEHAVIORS are not going to be tolerated. If you get with a good family therapist you can get a home behavior plan in place where you set rules, consequences (short term as long term groundings and the like do NOT work with these kids - their memory is that of a gnat for remembering rules) and of course rewards. And oddly enough you can allow your son to sit in on the punitive part - ask him what HE thinks would be a fair consequence and discuss why. If he's totally unreasonable - tell him he's excused and that he is apparently not mature enough to sit in on a family discussion about his consequences.
I am sorry to be so long winded, but it sounds like you're floating in a sea of doubt - and looking for a life-line. This life isn't easy. I just know after all these years of dealing with my son I'm blessed to have him, and my life would be sadder without him. I think some days that God thought toooooo much of me to give me a child like he did - but then I see others here and read their stories and think - My gosh - I've got it easy.
get some R& R - check into the places that you can get therapy and family therapy and therapy for you alone at, check the schools out and what they could offer to help. And keep coming here - it's super support.
Glad to have you in the family -
Hugs
Star
Yesterday he went down stairs to make himself a milk shake. He came back up with two and handed me one and said, "I made an extra one for you"
