Sam3
Active Member
Hi Emeritus
I'm posting here because I recall reading some advice from the veterans when someone else had posted about therapist issues.
My son has gone through a residential program and is now living at home, under a home contract, and attending the associated outpatient program, which has a family therapy component. He is sober and regularly going to meetings. When he left residential, he switched therapists. I felt the one in residential was more subtle and gifted with my son's oppositional tendencies, and his approach jived with what I feel is going on with my son (and maybe with other ODD teens).
In short, my son never defied rules openly. He just lived a double life. In the past, if he was caught breaking rules and pushed on the issue, he brilliantly displayed the hallmarks of ODD. Sense of entitlement, blaming, complete lack of accountability, seeming lack of empathy, victim complex. Since entering treatment, he has accepted consequences for behaviors we have found out about, without much push back. He has still violated the contract and done some things behind our backs that he feels does not jeopardize his sobriety. But then again, he is sober and has less to be dishonest about. Overall I feel like there's progress.
But you would never know it from our family sessions with the new therapist. They feel like occasions to wake and poke the bear. She repeatedly solicits his "anger" at the rules, and of course the parents who put them in place. Sometimes it's my job to hear him. Sometimes its an occasion for her to catastrophize about the future for people who hold such narcissistic views. (as if I hadn't made the mistake of doing the same over and over after researching ODD, conduct disorder, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, difficult children ... In fact, catasrophizing and trying to control the environment to ward off more trauma, is what I've been working on for months). In reality, I don't know how sincere his anger is, or whether it's an after the fact effort to have power over the consequences that are likely to come. If he can't lessen them, at least he can say they are stupid, unhelpful, he can take it, and he doesn't give a crap about them.
I feel like she should leave the bear alone. It is full of BS and should not continuously be woken up to hear itself repeating the BS out loud. To me, things will get better with time. He's no longer living in a constant fight or flight mode hiding drug use, dragging us into screaming matches, etc. We have learned a lot about keeping the right parental tone. We don't need perfection. It's enough that we all put down the bazookas and hang out for a while to remember why we care. She keeps asking him to brandish and analyze it. I don't think that's the way to go with ODD. It feels like these kids need a face-saving out, some success and mostly patience. The first therapist most definitely called out my son's BS thinking, but sandwiched it with suggested parent improvements, genuine fondness for my son, and some wrapping up with baby steps for progress. The truth was fed to him like vegetables hidden in the spaghetti sauce. Mostly the sessions seemed designed to get us feeling better about each other again. That felt right.
I think, she thinks I need more al-anon, so I can let go of control. I think we only have 11 more months to try and get to a better place, and then I am emeritus, too.
Thoughts?
I'm posting here because I recall reading some advice from the veterans when someone else had posted about therapist issues.
My son has gone through a residential program and is now living at home, under a home contract, and attending the associated outpatient program, which has a family therapy component. He is sober and regularly going to meetings. When he left residential, he switched therapists. I felt the one in residential was more subtle and gifted with my son's oppositional tendencies, and his approach jived with what I feel is going on with my son (and maybe with other ODD teens).
In short, my son never defied rules openly. He just lived a double life. In the past, if he was caught breaking rules and pushed on the issue, he brilliantly displayed the hallmarks of ODD. Sense of entitlement, blaming, complete lack of accountability, seeming lack of empathy, victim complex. Since entering treatment, he has accepted consequences for behaviors we have found out about, without much push back. He has still violated the contract and done some things behind our backs that he feels does not jeopardize his sobriety. But then again, he is sober and has less to be dishonest about. Overall I feel like there's progress.
But you would never know it from our family sessions with the new therapist. They feel like occasions to wake and poke the bear. She repeatedly solicits his "anger" at the rules, and of course the parents who put them in place. Sometimes it's my job to hear him. Sometimes its an occasion for her to catastrophize about the future for people who hold such narcissistic views. (as if I hadn't made the mistake of doing the same over and over after researching ODD, conduct disorder, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, difficult children ... In fact, catasrophizing and trying to control the environment to ward off more trauma, is what I've been working on for months). In reality, I don't know how sincere his anger is, or whether it's an after the fact effort to have power over the consequences that are likely to come. If he can't lessen them, at least he can say they are stupid, unhelpful, he can take it, and he doesn't give a crap about them.
I feel like she should leave the bear alone. It is full of BS and should not continuously be woken up to hear itself repeating the BS out loud. To me, things will get better with time. He's no longer living in a constant fight or flight mode hiding drug use, dragging us into screaming matches, etc. We have learned a lot about keeping the right parental tone. We don't need perfection. It's enough that we all put down the bazookas and hang out for a while to remember why we care. She keeps asking him to brandish and analyze it. I don't think that's the way to go with ODD. It feels like these kids need a face-saving out, some success and mostly patience. The first therapist most definitely called out my son's BS thinking, but sandwiched it with suggested parent improvements, genuine fondness for my son, and some wrapping up with baby steps for progress. The truth was fed to him like vegetables hidden in the spaghetti sauce. Mostly the sessions seemed designed to get us feeling better about each other again. That felt right.
I think, she thinks I need more al-anon, so I can let go of control. I think we only have 11 more months to try and get to a better place, and then I am emeritus, too.
Thoughts?
