Not really an update...

[PatriotsGirl]

Okay, I can finally update more. Finally met M face to face. He sure is polite. VERY polite. He was amazed at how I swept in, handed difficult child prenatal vitamins and juice and told her what to do. He was amazed she did what I told her...lol. We talked about a lot and I think M got a glimpse of some of the victim playing difficult child has done. difficult child has the story that she was neglected growing up. Oh steam was coming out of my ears on that one. I went off about all the trouble she has been in her entire life and then becoming a drug addict. I told her straight out, not only was she not neglected, but she drained every ounce of energy and attention in this house!! How could anyone possibly neglect her??? She has been found out. He guessed that she was spoiled growing up and he was right. He started saying it was all making sense now...

They are going to struggle and be starting out with nothing. But, we did, too and we got to a great place. I am really praying the same for them.

I do believe I have come to the conclusion that the phone records are a sure tell. Since difficult child got clean again, there is no phone usage after 10pm and before 8am. Same as when she was in rehab...that is certainly a good sign...

I am starting to come to grips with it all, as sad as the situation is. For some reason, God saw fit to bless them with a child. I can only pray it was to force them to get on and stay on the right path. She had confided to me that while she slept with the other guy a couple of times, they used condoms and he didn't "finish". too much information, but that coupled with the fact that M had been clean for months and she got pregnant the week he got out of jail, well - we are hoping it is M's. At least I know he will be in the picture...

They took a big step that they have never done before. They have it on Facebook that they are in a relationship. I call him baby daddy. He doesn't like it, but he is so beyond polite. He prefers to be called papa or daddy. He says baby daddy implies he is not with difficult child and in the picture. husband said until he marries his daughter, he is baby daddy. LOL husband is also trying to curse difficult child with not only a girl, but twin girls. difficult child was horrified at the thought but we all got a good laugh. I think with the horseshoe that she apprently has had up her butt all these years, she will end up with a son like easy child.

They will be moving an hour away. I don't like it. I wish it was closer. Not that I want them living here, of course, I just wish it was closer so that she does have me nearby for support. This may not be the ideal situation right now, but this is my grandchild and I want to be in my grandchild's life. I have zero control over the situation and zero say in the matter. They have been together a year and a half, are still very much together and happy about the baby.

So I can only pray, help them where I can, and pray some more....

 

[toughlovin]

PG... Good to hear the updates. I am so glad you like M and that he is stepping up to the plate to be responsible. I hope she will stay clean and do what she needs to do for herself and the baby. Babies are such mixed blessings... on the one hand so wonderful and can really help someone see the big picture and that they need to do what they need to do to take care of this young life.... and also a lot of responsibility that makes life harder in some ways. I really hope your daughter does right for herself and the baby.

TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I will help them as often and in ways that I can that does not enable. He is a very proud man and doesn't want to ask for any help. I offered to cover the motel room for a week so they had another week to gather the move in money. He thanked me for my generosity, but turned it down. difficult child called me the next morning and asked if the offer was still available. She wants in their own place and I don't blame her there.

I honestly wish I had a ton of land. I would buy a trailer and put it out there for them...as long as they are clean and trying, I am willing to do what I can...

 

[Mattsmom277]

Im crossing fingers they both keep up things in the right direction. Regarding helping and not enabling, this is just one persons opinion (I don't judge anybody who feels different, just to be clear). I don't see what you're doing as enabling. I think help is a mothering thing and in right circumstances and done right is a good thing. I also totally get wishing you could do more to help for housing. Here's how I see it, these two are FRESH at making promises to change, do right, etc. They soon will NEED to productive, healthy, independent adults in order to raise a baby. In all of seven months. Every thing that they must work for and at right now only serves to help them and get them ready for the world they are embarking to. Also, not to be a naysayer (I totally hope they both are truly clean and stay that way!) but they are addicts. Wishing to change and desire to change unfortunately doesn't change the addicts in them. And right now, as with all addicts attempting to get clean, they are at the beginning of a journey rife with high risks. I really pray they both meet this challenge together and have awesome lives. They deserve it as does their coming child. I personally think that a one time (key: one time) offer of help for one week lodging is not enabling. Beyond that, these two really NEED to be left to their collective devices to sort out their stuff. I'm sure absolutely you are right that your difficult child really wants her own place. Who wouldn't right? The fact remains, she is homeless because she is an addict who just recently was delusional or something about crazy stories of being hunted. That is the cause of her being currently homeless. Her boyfriend has his own set of similar stories, including just recently being let out of jail for living the same crazy life. These two NEED to deal with themselves. Not because they don't deserve everything they dream of, but because reality is people work hard to do and get those dreams to come true. And with doing it themselves, comes the pride recovering addicts (especially in the early stages) NEED to give them confidence that is long lost, and faith in THEMSELVES. Beyond what you just offered, I wouldn't offer or agree if asked, to anything other than medical stuff, prenatal vitamins, and perhaps a small help of healthy food for your difficult child, not her entire grocery budget but a little help. And if they take months to get themselves into their own place, they will be that much prouder when they get it. And they will be that many more months clean and sober. Which in turn becomes a chance for family to then maybe increase in small increments what help is given. I really am a firm believer that those that fight themselves to drag themselves out of their own messes, tend to be much more likely to not fall back into bad old patterns. And their child needs them both to have that chance to prove it now, to do it now, and to be confident and proud parents ready for their child when the birth comes.

On that note, the birth note, a baby is always a blessing and I have neglected to say congrats! I'm going to just BELIEVE that your difficult child is going to make this all work, pick herself up, and be so on track for this baby that both their lives are going to be rich in goodness.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Now I have to tell family. I asked them to keep it off Facebook until she was three months along and they couldn't. He posted expecting a baby as a life event and tagged her in it, which means it is now on her wall. She has cousins up north that are friends on Facebook. My in-laws will get upset that others knew before them, so I have to call and break the news today. I wasn't ready, yet...ugh. Too much can happen in another five Weeks...

I was thrilled to see her post to the wall that she was completely out of the "lifestyle" and that she was happy and in love...but wish they could have held the baby news just a tad bit longer...

My in-laws will be concerned, of course, but this will also be their first great grandchild. I see this child getting spoiled already...

 

[pasajes4]

Prayers for your daughter, M, you, husband, and for and for the new life. Doing things to help your daughter have as healthy as possible pregnancy is what most grandmas to be do. You have a vested interest in this child. He/she is a part of you, husband, and the great grand parents.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you

I called my inlaws and told them as well as my sister in law. Everyone is hoping this is the catalyst in difficult children life. Of course, they want to know when they will marry. They are Roman Catholic. I admit, I tend to paint a prettier picture for them. Their health is awful. We don't need them to stress over difficult children issues, too. I told them that they were moving out to a small town to raise the baby. Which is true, they are trying to move out to the country. I just left out the fact they are currently living in a motel. They thought difficult child was still in treatment. We never told them that she left. Ugh, and I am soooo not good at lying. Awful, really. I have to keep up this facade on Facebook for family sake and it drives me nuts. It is not my nature.

And M is having to answer all sorts of questions on his page. He never went public with their relationship and now not only have they gone public, but now he posts that they are expecting a baby. Ha. I am friends with both of them now so I have just been sitting back watching the show. I am happy that he is publicly acknowledging it. Wrong timing, but still, says a lot to me.

I don't know what the future brings, but I am getting just a teensy bit excited at the thought of being a grammy. I can't help it. I have always looked forward to it. I wish it was under better circumstances, for SURE, but nevertheless there is a baby coming! I am going to love that baby with all my heart no matter what...