I cant feel his feelings
jail hasnt really helped him
Stands, none of us understands WHAT our kids are feeling. At least, not when they are using. Drug use changes their perceptions and destroys their lives. Because they so desperately need help, because they literally cannot fight the addiction until it has destroyed them and slowly, they claw their ways back to some semblance of normal life, they seek someone to blame. And whether that is a parent or a marital partner or a child, whoever is trying to help the addict will be blamed, by the addict, for his current situation.
Otherwise, he would have to acknowledge that the drugs he uses are stealing his life away.
And while our children are actively addicted, while they are still so dependent on the drugs that they cannot see a way to survive without them, they cannot afford to acknowledge the truth about what the drugs are doing to them.
And not only to them Stands, but to us.
For these reasons, we literally cannot feel our children's feelings.
We can only feel what WE would feel, if this were happening to us.
But if this were happening to us, we would be making very different choices than those our addicted children are making.
Unless WE were the addicted ones.
Addiction is a horrible thing.
There is (and there can be) no judgment against the addict. It could happen to any one of us.
There was a time when our sons were not addicted.
That is who they really are.
We can love our addicted children, but we really need to get it that we truly cannot feel their feelings. We cannot know the trap they are caught up in, because we are not trapped there.
Understanding that has helped me learn that helping isn't helping.
I cannot "help" my son beat something as horrible as what has happened to him.
I can love him. I can know in my heart that it is the addiction that has changed him into someone else. Most importantly, I can remember for him, no matter how many times he forgets, no matter how many times the drugs win, that he is better than who he is, right now.
If I can remember that for him, then maybe one day, he will remember it too, and use that knowledge, that little, tiny bit of truth, to help him to be strong enough to win his fight with his addiction.
Or, maybe not.
But there literally is not another thing I can do for my son if he continues to use.
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Jail is not meant to help our children, Stands. It is meant to teach them that there are consequences for going a wrong way. For those of our children who continue along those wrong paths, there will be prison. Prison is not meant to help them, either.
It is meant to protect the rest of us.
I am always telling you that I am sorry this is happening to you and your family and your son, Stands. And I am so sorry for the pain you feel, and for the confusion we all feel.
But if we are trying to parent a self destructive or addicted child, we need to know how to parent differently than the others, than the so-fortunate parents whose children have not gone a wrong way.
And to do that, we need to understand, Stands. We need to understand that we are parenting children in real trouble. None of the wonderful things that happen to other parents ~ the proms and college graduations, the marriages and careers and grandchildren we can truly celebrate, instead of worrying ourselves to death over ~ none of these wonderful things are going to happen, for us.
All we can do, and I think this is a very powerful tool, is love our wayward children and remember for them who they were.
Barbara
