Oh my - hearing date!

[trinityroyal]

Stands, perhaps your easy child needs to go to the doctor to ensure that there's nothing wrong physically. Other than that, it sounds like he's doing well. He had friends to hang out with. If he's not anxious about getting a car, then I wouldn't worry about it either. Some kids (including my difficult child and Step-D) just don't show any interest in driving until much later.

If he's a bit young for his years, and he has friends who are also young for their years, then perhaps they're just late bloomers.

Glad to hear you're thinking more about your easy child. Just don't lose sight of taking care of you in the process.

Trinity

 

[witzend]

I'm glad to hear that you are thinking about your easy child more. It is a little concerning that your thoughts are worrisome to you when what you are saying is that he is doing well.

I know that you said you were waiting for school to be out to get an appointment with your therapist, but you need to remember that when you do get an appointment it will probably be at least four to six weeks out, so even if you call today, it will probably be mid July before you see someone.

Do you ever get out a piece of paper and write down goals for yourself? You still don't seem to have a real plan. Life doesn't get or feel better without goals that are better than where we are already at. Otherwise, the train keeps right on going where it's always gone.

Also, can you start a new thread if we aren't talking about difficult child's hearing date anymore?

 

[witzend]

he will be 18 in June. He has never had a girlfriend - he is a cute kid but kinda iimmature - he has not gone through puberty yet

I was wondering about this. This is a fairly serious medical condition. Is he being treated for it? How was he diagnosed?

 

[standswithcourage]

No - but yes I will put a new thread in for something instead of difficult child court date - today my easy child got his other system stolen out of our house! - I cant believe it - my difficult child has not been home in a month! but who knows his friends probably knew where everything was - i left the back door to the screened porch door open so the repair man could get in - that is all - i am so angry - i dont know really what serious medical condition you are talking about Witz - my son was seen about a month agao just for a physical - nothing was discussed about anything serious - what do you mean?

 

[witzend]

What system did your easy child get stolen? Did he report it to the police? Are you sure the repair man didn't take it? Things must be different in the south. We would never leave a door open around here!

You said your easy child's 18 years old but hasn't gone through puberty yet. Maybe I took that too literally? By that age he should have gone through puberty or they start looking for reasons for "Delayed Puberty". They start looking for pituitary, thyroid, kidney, fragile bones, and other endocrinology issues. Maybe you were just teasing, and I didn't get it?

 

[standswithcourage]

I just need encouragement. I know this sounds crazy but I am feeling a little antsy about the court date - I am feeling like I just cant go - I was going to call the public defender to ask him if he thinks I should go! That is why I need some input here! One of my friends from Alanon's son just went to prison. I know it is a possiblity but I also know I dont want them to give him time sserved either. I need to let it go and put it in my God bag. I need to say STOP in my mind every time I go through these situations in my head. Right? I just need some back up here! Thanks

 

[witzend]

Honestly, I don't think you should go to the hearing. At best it won't make any difference. At worst, the judge will see you as an interfering mother who is coddling her grown son.

You're way over-analyzing here. It won't work to say "Stop", and think that will make your worries go away. Instead of saying "stop", try saying "I wonder what we should eat for dinner?" or "What's my lesson plan tomorrow?" or "Should I plant snapdragons or dahlias?"

Like we told you earlier, it will be work. But soon enough you will be thinking of dinner and kids at school and flowers. All things you have control over.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ok stands...every time you get one of these thoughts....I want you to literally write it on a piece of paper and put it in a jar. At the end of the day you can take them out and read them and decide...are these things that A: I taught my son to do? B: I wanted my son to do? C: My son chose to do of his own free will?

If they are of letter C then just burn them. If you told your son to do something like rob people, take drugs, break into homes....etc...then you have something to blame yourself for but if not, then it all falls on him. My son does some really boneheaded things and I know he can end up in prison. I point that out but I refuse to spend my life worrying about it because its all his choice! Im not forcing him to do anything and if I tried, he would do the opposite. He simply doesnt believe anything I say.

There really is nothing we can do for them once they are grown. Nothing.

 

[ScentofCedar]

When I cannot stop a thought pattern Stands, it helps me to remind myself that I just thought that same thought. You will be surprised ~ it's like our brains get into the habit of thinking the same, exact thoughts over and over again.

Almost like a mantra we comfort ourselves with.

It sometimes seemed that if I worried enough, the bad thing would not happen.

It wasn't until I was able to admit that the worry I felt was anger-based ~ and that the anger was at my son ~ that I was able to view the current chaotic event with a sense of perspective.

I know you are frightened right now, Stands.

Light a candle for your son.

Ask for peace, and for strength, when you pray.

I would not want to see my son sentenced either, Stands.

But what I might do is ask whether there was any way, any way at all, that I could see my son after his sentencing.

That is the part that matters most to you anyway, Stands ~ helping your son be strong enough to face whatever is coming.

Try that, Stands.

If they say no, write your son and tell him what you are trying to do. Tell him you won't be at the hearing, but that you will be near by ~and that you will see him afterwards, if there is any way possible for you to do that.

No one should be forced to watch their child being sentenced.

That's barbaric.

Work to see him afterwards for just a minute or two, Stands ~ you never know until you ask and ask and ask.

And if they will not let you see him afterwards, write a letter to your paper about it.

Maybe you can help the next mother who finds herself in the position you are in, today.

Know that I am holding you and yours in my thoughts and prayers, Susan.

Barbara

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Barbara - You brought the tears that I so needed to cry. I will do that.
Thanks for understanding and not making light of my feelings. I have tried to remain strong - I even thought i could go to the hearing but the people said they call everyone in at 8:30 but they may not get their case tried until 3 in the afternoon - I just cant sit that long - I did it before - by myself and after I stood in court and said my peace - how much we loved him, etc. and that he needed help but that he could not comehome to get it - and then they revoked his probation I thought I was going to get sick - maybe they wont do that this time - he has not violated probation as far as I know - do you think I should go up to the jail and see him? I have to really be prepared - they wont let me and my husband go at the same time - it is unnerving -

 

[witzend]

do you think I should go up to the jail and see him?

Do you think it will make you feel better, or worse? It seems like prolonging the agony to me, but if it makes you feel good, then you should go. On the other hand, if it will make you feel bad, then don't. It won't help him any more than a phone call or a letter would.

 

[PonyGirl]

I would not go to the jail, and I would not go to the hearing. Barbara is right, no one should watch their child get sentenced. I did that once, and I absolutely could not breathe. The next court date for sentencing didn't come for another year or so after that, but I did not attend. I have no regrets about that.

I remember well the days I went through what you are going through right now. My son was much younger than your son is, so maybe I had more hope that he could turn his life around. It is heart-wrenching, and sad, and scarey. And I just had to keep going through it, there was no way around it.

You will survive, you will do exactly what you are supposed to do, whatever that may be.

Peace

 

[standswithcourage]

thanks - I hope I will survive - I know I will - I wont go to the hearing - I wrote him a letter saying I would not be there but I would see hiim the next day - I was at the sentencing once too and I almost had a heart attack - I just wish for hiim the best and I wish for him hope that he will see what he is doing - he wrote me a letter stating Mom dont say anything that would make the Judge send me to prison - my sons take on this is that it would be good for him to be on house arrest - I dont think so - how is that good for us - the same kids could come over to the house even though he has an ankle bracelet on doesnt mean anything - when will he get it? Just keep me in your thoughts andprayers like you have already done. Thanks!

 

[witzend]

I think it doesn't matter if he is on house arrest if he's not going to your house, right?

 

[standswithcourage]

Right. I just cant understand why he thinks that would be so much better. For who? Certainly not me. And when I say no - I feel so bad about it - that is pputs us right back in the same thing about well where is he going to live - how long is he going to beg - why cant he see coming here - especially right now when he is not well - going to help him - house arrest would be horrible -

Scent of Cedar - Where is Sunny Florida? I havenet seen her in a long time?

 

[witzend]

Stands, you are going over the same things again. You aren't him, he's not you. It doesn't matter why because you aren't going to fix it because this is how he wants it to be.

You say you aren't going to obsess on him and then you do. It's time to stop. When are you calling your therapist for an appointment? I know you said after school ends. As I said before, it's not like the therapist is going to have an appointment for you tomorrow when you call. If you call now you might get an appointment in July if you are lucky. Pay her bill, then call her.

I don't understand why you always come back to obsessing about "why" your son makes poor choices when it makes you so unhappy, and we've given you so much good advice as to how to live a happier life. Sound familiar?

 

[DammitJanet]

I really feel awkward giving this advice sometimes but...it would be fine for your son to be on house arrest if he had his own place to be on house arrest IN!

Honestly I dont think he would much like house arrest all that much either though. I dont think Im going to enjoy having Cory tied to my house for the next two months at all. I know for a fact Im not going to enjoy the fact that I have to get another phone line installed because I cant have my internet on the line that they use for the monitoring unit. Blah!

 

[witzend]

I really feel awkward giving this advice sometimes but...it would be fine for your son to be on house arrest if he had his own place to be on house arrest IN!

I completely agree, Janet.

Susan, can you please start a new thread?