One step forward, two steps back

[Kathy813]

Is my son a narcissistic sociopath? Does he even care or know how much he hurt us?

No, RN, he is a drug addict. Right now, he only cares about himself and getting the benzos and it doesn't matter to him that he hurt you.

However, the son that you love is still in there. Unfortunately, until he decides to stop using, that sweet boy is at the mercy of his addiction and there is nothing that you can do except protect yourself.

I think that you were wise to block him. You need a break from this. I also think that it is time for you and your husband to have a heart to heart about stopping all monetary support. That money is helping support his drug use.

I am so sorry that you are going through this again. I am glad that you are seeing your therapist. Mine was truly a lifeline for me.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Copabanana]

RN. I am reading again a lot of your thread because I am coming up against a decision about my son. M is so despairing. He has taken over the micro-managing of my son, the holding him accountable. And he is exhausted from it. My son seems to be benefiting not at all from this support, which does not of course feel like support to him. Rather he finds it onerous and is trying to shake it off.

My son seems to be angling to M to begin again to work for him, as a means to not pay rent. He did not say so explicitly but that seems to be his idea.

We stopped allowing him to help us, as he uses this as a pretext to do nothing for himself. And still, with nothing to do, he still does not do anything. It all looks like a sham. Or just doing one thing, 10 minutes a day, of busywork to look busy.

So this month he did not have money to pay us the rent, for this reason and that and to get us to leave him alone told me he would pay me $500 when he gets his check. (The end of the month.) This is only words. We know him. Now he is hinting he will leave the area (again). We will let the chips fall where they may.

I have taken the stand for almost all of this whole year that I would give him the support to change. He has gained more control over his emotions, but in things that are central to us: constructive acts, no marijuana, we have no sway over him at all. And it seems we cannot prevail even that he pay a nominal rent. Which is my bottom, bottom line. If he does not pay rent, I am subsidizing marijuana. If I kick him out...he is homeless...and he will stop the medication.

Honestly. I am thinking of just letting him be. I am embarrassed to say it. I am ashamed of myself. Letting him negotiate a price with me that he is willing to pay for the apartment (if he is willing to pay) and letting him stay there and smoke up his SSI. And just not speaking to him or seeing him and keeping him away from me and my house entirely.

That if this saves my life, it is worth it. Let him handle his own. He would have the stability to take his medication. He would be safe off the street. And I would have my boundaries. I would have disabused myself of the idea that there is anything at all I can do that will influence him to live better. Because I think now, M, is through. I think like your husband, RN, M understands now that this road leads nowhere.

RN. I think you have the right idea here. I am trying to think through what my version of your plan would be. Thank you for space on your thread (*OK. I hijacked it) to do so.

 

[Albatross]

RN, I just wanted you to know that I am reading along.

I agree with everything Kathy said.

I don't think your son is a narcissistic sociopath, but addicts act like them. The addict is in control right now.

This is easy for me to say because he is not my son, but I think it might be a good thing for you and hubs to step back and take an objective look at the effects of your financial assistance. He has made great strides, but it sounds like you are making it easier for him to use.

I am so sorry about his relapse.

 

[Copabanana]

I think it might be a good thing for you and hubs to step back and take an objective look at the effects of your financial assistance.

Albatross. I am trying to find a place (to wit, my new thread on PE)) to stand with my own son and I am identifying with RN and her husband.

Their support seems to have had a demonstrable part in son's finding work and a life far away. At the same time it may have enabled him to feel the autonomy and comfort and security to indulge his drug. He is living really standing on their shoulders. Through their support he does not have to find his own bottom.

I totally, totally understand why RN and her husband would be horrified at the idea of letting go.

I did it, and it did not help my son stabilize himself. He got worse. And then he showed up at my door. He has improved in a limited way with our support. But to a point.

The fact that he is doing somewhat better in our universe, makes me terrified and despondent about pushing him away again. (My son is mentally ill and has an illness-everybody knows that.)

My support is the only leverage I have. But when I seek to withdraw it, the person most negatively affected is me. I guess I am struggling still to understand detachment. I feel like the blind men with the elephant. Is that the parable? I keep grabbing the tail, then the ear, then the trunk, but missing the body of it.

I do so much identify with RN. But then too, my son uses marijuana, which I guess is different. Although it consumes money and motivation, it is not life threatening to the extreme. Nor is it illegal anymore in my state.

Just so lost here. I feel I am the one who is taking one step forward, and two back.

 

[Albatross]

I identify with RN and her husband very much too, Copa, and I would add that while I SAY maybe they should reexamine the support they are giving him, right now I am also providing my son room and board, even though I swore he would never stay with us again. Right now he and I are both coming from a much better place emotionally, so right now it seems the best thing for all of us. Tomorrow, who knows?

I think help is such a fluid concept with our difficult children; one day it is the right thing to do and gives them a hand up, then the next day it is either preventing their progress or worse, being used to make their lives worse. I don't have any answers, that's for sure.

 

[Copabanana]

I am also providing my son room and board

Albatross. Thank you very much for your post on my thread and your comment here. May I ask, I assume from your post he is living with you, is this the case? Is he using substances? Receiving treatment? How are you dealing with the "conditions" element that I so struggle with? Is this an issue for you?

 

[ColleenB]

I tell my husband I always know when something is up... it's like I can sense it.

I am sorry you are going through this right now, but you do sound strong. Much stronger than I feel.

I think you have made the right decisions. I too wonder about when people say " rock bottom" and I don't actually agree they have to hit it. I think their desire for change has to outweigh the desire for drugs... so for me it's more about his tipping point. When does he tip back to wanting sobriety?

Our son is back home. Which means we are more on edge, more anxious. Sleepless nights again wondering where he is. There are no signs of him using.... but other things aren't right either. Trying to keep my head above water, not let myself become a drowning victim in his drama.

I hope you can find some peace and move forward wherever this road is going .

Take care dear friend.... xoxo

 

[Albatross]

Albatross. Thank you very much for your post on my thread and your comment here. May I ask, I assume from your post he is living with you, is this the case? Is he using substances? Receiving treatment? How are you dealing with the "conditions" element that I so struggle with? Is this an issue for you?

Copa, he is living with us, for now. It is a temporary arrangement with a fixed date of departure. How he ended up with us again is a long story that I will go into one of these days. Don't want to jinx it! HA!

He is not using substances and is not receiving treatment but has a plan in place if he wants to drink. He has shown through his actions that he is committed to staying sober, otherwise he would not be staying here. He had a slip, but he learned from it and got back on track. We reacted calmly, instead of freaking out about it like we usually do, so I guess we maybe learned something too.

For our part we are trying not to hover and wait for the other shoe to drop, if that makes any sense. I think that anxiety is enough to make us all want to drink...

I know that probably doesn't help you with your question. Tomorrow can always be a different story, but for today at least conditions aren't really an issue.

 

[february]

RN, i know what you mean. Drug free my daughter is a sweetheart. She was different on drugs. But the drugged version of our kids is not who they really are.

So true

 

[RN0441]

Thanks for all your comments and support. I do really appreciate it.

My son reached out to his father this weekend and said he has all the rent money so doesn't need anything from us. Husband had originally told him he would give him what he normally gives him minus the money he helped himself to. We felt he would be in a pickle but his would be a consequence so he needed it. We were rather surprised that he worked this out on his own. Lesson learned: the more we do for him the less he does for himself.

I have him blocked on my phone but when I came to work today he emailed me saying that he had a slip up and he is back on track now. He was drinking and did not think of consequences but he learned from it. He needs our support or he fears he'll fail. I feel pills were involved and told him so. That is the only time he stole from us. I also told him that there is so much bad in the world and bad people and he keeps bringing that into my life. I don't want it in my life. I have learned from it too.

I do not feel that I can go back to where we were before this happened. I let him know that I love him of course but I have been watching this over and over for over five years and I need a break. He does good for 3-4 months and then has a relapse. Now he's out in the real world and the stakes are higher. I also told him that I watched my mother's addiction kill her (alcohol); that I was a child and had no choice but I will not do it again with him. He needs some type of professional help. I do not think he can do this on his own and him having our support is not the reason he'll stay on track - or not. Maybe it's a youth group or maybe it's some other type of passion but there is a big something missing from all of this. It's something he has to figure out for himself.

Just because I'm his mother doesn't mean that I can keep doing this with him. I am going to talk to my therapist today about all of this. I know he wants to see us the end of April when we will be in Florida but I feel that I need to keep my distance from him and this should be a consequence of his actions.

 

[Teriobe]

How are you RN

 

[RN0441]

I am hanging in there. My husband stays in touch with our son.

He has reached out to me a few times to ask to unblock him but I have not. Today he emailed me "I love you" and i said the same in return.

I feel bad that I'm not talking to him right now but I think that when he has a relationship with me he becomes complacent. I really am trying to stand far back and let him live his life. It's what I'm doing for me for right now. It makes me less anxious.

I'm wanting to see how he plans to deal with this pattern he has formed for himself. So far nothing and that is what I'm waiting to see.

Thanks for asking.