One week to the day, he calls me

[LauraH]

He called me. It was a little unnerving hearing his ringtone. I almost didn't answer, then I thought since I had been toying with the idea of reaching out to him, maybe I should. We spoke civilly, but of course no apology or even acknowledgement of what had transpired. At least he didn't say anything accusatory or blaming. He did hint that he needed $100 until some money he's waiting for comes in on Tuesday, but didn't ask me for it. And I sure as heck didn't take the bait. Like someone in my Facebook support group said, he was clearly fishing but for several reasons I did not bite.

Where this goes from here is anybody's guess, but I'm glad the lines of communication are open again for whatever purpose. I did say "I love you" when we were hanging up. I don't think he said it back but that's not important. If something happens and he never hears my voice again, I'm grateful that those would be the last words I ever said to him.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Laura

I find this post to be very sad. I guess because I am in a similar situation with my own child. I admire you for always finding your love for your son. No matter what. At the same time, I feel you become quite vulnerable to his hurting you over and over again. I feel we are really in difficult situations. We have such a longing to love them and to be loved by them--and they hurt us so.

 

[LauraH]

Dear Laura

I find this post to be very sad. I guess because I am in a similar situation with my own child. I admire you for always finding your love for your son. No matter what. At the same time, I feel you become quite vulnerable to his hurting you over and over again. I feel we are really in difficult situations. We have such a longing to love them and to be loved by them--and they hurt us so.

It is and it isn't. I will always love my son (as we all will always love our children no matter what) and I will let him hurt me...to a point...but I will not allow him to disrespect me, abuse me, take advantage of me and con me. While I would like to think that he called me out of remorse, there was no indication of that as he never mentioned one word about what transpired between us last Tuesday and Wednesday. Plus the fact that he let it be known that he was in dire financial straits...like he thought I was going to jump up and offer to send him money? Not a chance. He actually called me a second time for the same reason. Same result, I did not bite the bait. Even before everything hit the fan last week I would not have sent him any significant amount of money because I can't trust that he would do what he said he needed it for.

That's the saddest thing of all to me, that it looks like I can never have a mutually loving trusting relationship with my only child. And just to be clear, when we paid his rent for him after he hadhis accident, I sent the money directly to his landlord, for reasons mentioned above. I am glad we are on speaking terms again, but if his intention was to pull me down the rabbit hole again and get me sucked into helping mode (even through a third party, i.e., paying his creditor rather than sending him the money, he is barking up the wrong tree

 

[LauraH]

I really don't trust his motives for calling me today. Although it's a minor point, I think it's telling that he still has me blocked on Facebook. If reconciliation was truly on his mind, I feel like he would have unblocked me. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out in the coming days, weeks, months, etc.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi Laura. Kids with addiction (or parents or friends etc.) don't let us know what they are doing. They don't want us to bother them about their drug use or alcohol abuse so we are kept in the dark. It is hard to have a close relationship with an addict and harder to have a relationship with an adult child who has a very difficult personality. They both want to be a secret from us and refuse to properly become financially independent. So they tend to contact us mostly when they are in trouble with child like demands that we hand over money. They are not nice if we say no. As long as we allow it, they abuse us. As long as we allow it, they inject their chaos into our lives. The worst part in my opinion is that we can't trust their motives, theor words, their intentions. We don't know them from the inside out. We have to always wonder, guess or be on high alert. These are not normal relationships. But I at least accept that my daughter is who she is. Until I accepted her, I was not at peace at all.

in my opinion you are starting to learn to let go and to take care of yourself. You are setting boundaries. All of us either learn how to let go of our difficult child or we suffer. Letting go is hard but very freeing. It doesn't mean we never see them again...that is our choice and theirs. It does mean we give our loved ones craziness to a higher power of any sort and lift it off our own shoulders.

Sending blessings.

 

[Acacia]

I feel you become quite vulnerable to his hurting you over and over again.

How true. We love our children, hold onto hope, and keep our hearts open, but until and unless they get help and take responsibility for their own lives, they are most likely to use and hurt us, intentionally or not. It's so easy to take advantage of kind people.