Parent-Teacher meeting--aaaiyaiyai!!!

[TerryJ2]

His dietary/science teacher told me that Difficult Child made up one test today. But he did not do the rest of the work she gave him. She also said that she moved him to the front of the room to a separate desk because 1) he wouldn't stop talking, and 2) the girl next to him said he smelled.
The teacher said he smelled like ... something distinctive. Not just BO. BO with chemicals. She made an announcement to the class and told them all to bathe and change their clothes. She told me that he was very open and trusting with-her, and showed her pictures of the baby. She told him he needed to bathe, change his clothes, get his life straight, and "You're going to smell like that kind of smoke around the baby? And hold her with those dirty hands and fingernails?"
"Good for you!" I said.
She knows his girlfriend, H, from all 4 yrs of HS. Can't figure out why she's going to a community college when she was a brilliant, straight-A student. I told her that she is doing everything to oppose her parents' wishes, including throwing away applications and invitations to places like Harvard. "That'll show you, Mom and Dad! I'll be mediocre!" (The teacher laughed.)

In the end, the teacher said, "All we can do is pray for him."

Gulp.

The gov't teacher wasn't as bad as I expected. I thought he'd be rougher.
He couldn't figure out why Difficult Child kept skipping his class, and wouldn't talk to him. I told him that he was afraid and angry because of the phone incident. He scoffed and said, "That was last week. It's all over with. I deal with kids like that every day! I'm sorry to hear that he feels that way. But I'm not mad. Why does he think I'm mad? Well, he's still got time before the end of the 9-wk period to make up the work."
I told him that I apologized and that I explained a lot in the long email I had sent. And that I could explain more at the 504 mtng on Monday. But basically, you combine Asperger's, bipolar, and pot, and you get a person who is apathetic, impulsive, and who sticks to one mindset, so if they think you are mad at them, it is forever.
He had a hard time grasping that.
Then he said, "I'll email the notes to you and you can print them out. What's your email address?"
I gave it to him and he said, "Didn't I already email you?"
"No. I emailed you twice and you never responded."
He looked at his computer monitor and said, "Oh, sorry, guess I didn't. I'm going camping with my family for the weekend so I'll get to this on Tuesday."
He never read my emails.
"Why can't Difficult Child just read the textbook and do the work from that?"
"The way I teach, it jumps around and there is no way for him to know what I have covered. So they've got to come to class and take notes from what I teach. But he can still make it. Does he have enough credits to graduate?"
"If he doesn't fail."
"He can't graduate without this class."

Ah. Well, there you have it.

 

[AppleCori]

Terry,

That chemically, BO smell...

That's exactly what my step-son smelled like (his room did too) when he came back to stay with us that last time.

In his case, we finally found that he was smoking that stuff that is called variously K-2, spice, bath salts, and probably goes by other names.

I don't know if they can still get that stuff since communities have taken various steps to get the ingredients banned, but are you sure it's not more than pot he is taking?

He would get that bleary eyed look, like some pot smokers do, but he was also paranoid and angry.

And he denied and denied, even when presented with evidence.

 

[TerryJ2]

I totally agree. And there's no test for it. Just for regular pot. Because the chemicals and "herbs" in spice change daily.

Difficult Child had been extremely brittle and quick to huge anger lately. A + B = C.

 

[GoingNorth]

Sounds like "spice" or "research chemicals" to me, or both. More likely to be spice at his age.

Terry, it may be time to start detaching. He's over 18. He's sired a child. I use that term, because as he is now, I don't see him being much of a father. He's heavily drug involved, and this behavior is the natural progression of behaviors I've watched develop over the years I've been on this board.

Nature over-ruling nurture, really. You've done the best you could. Still are doing the best you can. It may be time to step back and let natural consequences take over, only doing what you can to protect your grandchild, which might not be much.

 

[TerryJ2]

I know. It's just so sad to watch him self-destruct.

We had his ex and the baby over for dinner. He arrived about 5 min. late. I didn't expect him at all, actually. He'd spent the day with his girlfriend, H, while she was at work.

He texted that he'd brought along a book to read for English which I thought was great. But of course, he came home, ate, played with the baby and watched a movie. I asked husband to talk to remind him that we were turning off his phone because he hadn't finished his book and the report. He told husband that he didn't even remember discussing it.
Wow. Didn't know his brains were that fried. He totally exploded Friday AND Saturday about the issue. husband had him come up to bed, (and oh, does he stink!) and I bet when he wakes up in the a.m., he'll remember.
I turned off the phone online, but he can still use Wifi. It's a SmartPhone and I'm just a DumbMom. Not sure where it is right now--probably in his pocket--or I'd take it away, physically.

 

[GoingNorth]

Terry, he's 18 years old, and you're still disciplining him as if he were a child. Don't take away his phone. Disconnect it!

It's time for you to quit paying his way. Completely. Buy diapers and clothing for the baby if you want to and if it would make you feel better, but it's time to cut your losses with Difficult Child.

It's no longer your problem if he finishes school or not, if he has a job or not. Those are his problems, and the consequences are his to bear. He seems to have grown up to want the thug life, and anything you do for him is not only contributing to that, but adding to his disrespect for you.

There's been a pattern over the years of not following through on consequences with your son; that and your husband not being on the same page with you. It's time Occupational Therapist (OT) break that pattern.

Let him go. Let him live the life he's chosen. Elsewhere. His behavior with women is execrable. The drug use is unacceptable for a new father. His refusal to find a steady job is reprehensible. All your continuring to support him in any way is doing is making it easier for him to continue in those behaviors.

He needs a swift kick in the arse, and the best source of that is going to be life. He can't get that life lesson with you running interference. Detach and let go of him. It's the only hope he has.

 

[Lil]

While I wouldn't have been so blunt, I tend to agree with GoingNorth. I'm not saying kick him out, but at this point I'd be ready to say "Enough. No phone. No car. No anything. Work. Part time with school or full time without. Have a job in 2 weeks or get out." I really think it's time to toughen up.

 

[TerryJ2]

I thought I had disconnected the phone but as usual, Verizon just messed it up and he's apparently still got occasional texting, and Wifi.
And he's so out of it, he didn't even know that we (parents) did it as a consequence. He was in school all day today. I have no idea how he manages.
I will stop by Verizon in person to talk to them about completely disconnecting the phone.
You can check my old notes to see that I've been through this before with them. It's bait-and-switch.
Supposedly I'm not being billed by them at the moment.

husband and I are talking to a lawyer Tuesday to discuss how to go about making Difficult Child leave and other issues. The school tells me that we are still responsible for him but the lawyer, over the phone said that we are not.
It's very confusing.
I'm also still compiling drug rehab places so that I can put Difficult Child on a plane if and when he decides he's ready.

 

[A dad]

From the point of the view of the school someone has to be responsible and they do not believe a 18 year old is or else they would not have meeting with the parents and not the student.
Are there really rehab centers for people who smoke pot?

 

[GoingNorth]

A dad, I don't think there are rehab centers for those who only abuse marijuana.

However, Terry's son has used spice, abused alcohol, and I would be extremely surprised, based on his behavior, if he isn't using harder drugs.

The very first thing I would do if I were this child's parents and unwilling to outright throw him out of the house as things stand, would be to insist on a broad panel hair analysis.

Not a urinalysis because there are ways to beat those, and because they only show use during a short period of time before the test, with marijuana showing for the longest period of time.

A hair test will show usage over a considerably longer period of time than a urinalysis will.

ANY chance of staying in the home would be contingent upon the results of that hair screen.

That said, assuming that VA is not a state that requires a parent to be responsible for a child past the age of 18, I wouldn't worry about choices between "rehab or get out" at this point.

Rehab is useless if there's no buy-in. I still think the only thing that has a hope of working is a serious reality check, and that is going to mean letting this boy-child who wants to play at being a man take a man's consequences for his behavior, e.g. putting him out of the family home.

He has a mother and child to support. No job. And he is tomcatting around with another woman who is risking, at best, being disowned by her family by being with him. An honorable man would not be with a woman who is risking her future to be with him. Not at this age. Terry's son has not shown himself to be honorable. Not as regards his son and his mother, and not as regards his girlfriend.

He has done nothing to deserve a comfy home, free meals, a warm bed, the things that as an adult are consequences of good and honorable behavior.

Let him bear the consequences of his behavior for a bit. It's the only thing that has a hope of turning him around at this point.

A dad, this young man is where he is today as the culmination of many years of behavior leading up to this point. In a sad way, what is happening now is in some ways predictable.

 

[Lil]

Truthfully, he sounds an awful lot like what I would have expected my son to be like, had he started a little younger and we put up with a little more. Realistically, if ours hadn't started stealing, he may still have been in our home driving us crazy. As opposed to out of our home and still driving us crazy.

Hugs Terry. This is such hard stuff to deal with.

 

[pasajes4]

A smart phone that is wifi enabled can still access the internet even when the phone is no longer being paid for. He can use his phone as long as he can get on an open wifi network. There are also free wifi texting apps. I would seriously consider job corp. You would be following through on your threat of putting him out. They can test positive for drugs when they arrive. They test again in 45 days. They must be clean at that point. he would be earning a stipend, going to classes to finish his education, and he could learn a skill. He could still be on his medications. I would not give him the option of going if he wants. It would be that or bye.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Was just going to say what pasa did -- you can use a smartphone for wifi without any service from a cell phone provider. Verizon probably did cancel it if they're not charging you, but it doesn't matter. All he needs is a place with free wifi-... a friend's house, Starbucks, wherever. If you paid for his phone, I'd ask him to give it back. He can be responsible for finding another on his own.

Neither of my girls graduated high school on time. Oldest ended up taking correspondence classes to finish the credits she needed, and got her diploma about 6 months after everyone else. Yougest dropped out not long after she turned 18, and got her GED about 5 years later. In both cases, I had worked my butt off getting them accommodations through IEPs, meeting with teachers, arranging for make-up work or homebound instruction when they missed school due to hospitalizations, but in the end it didn't matter. It was up to each of them to do the work, and to commit to finishing. They just didn't want to be bothered. To be honest it was kind of a releif when I gave up and put it all in their laps. It was their problem, not mine, if they didn't graduate.

Cutting that cord and stepping is hard... but it all goes back to "you're working hard than he is." Why jump through hoops when he could care less?

 

[A dad]

He has a mother and child to support. No job. And he is tomcatting around with another woman who is risking, at best, being disowned by her family by being with him. An honorable man would not be with a woman who is risking her future to be with him. Not at this age. Terry's son has not shown himself to be honorable. Not as regards his son and his mother, and not as regards his girlfriend.

I check the posts about this difficult child as the events with him are in real time and for some time now and something I noticed are his girlfriends until now are not older then him and in college?
It seem very interesting how they get tricked by someone quite younger then them who just became a adult.

 

[TerryJ2]

Pasa and Crazy, I was given a CD on JobCorps by the school counselor. I had it for 4 hrs and left the house, and came home to find our Scotty puppy, Braveheart, eating it.
Also, Starbucks, who is our blind, deaf, dementia-addled 13-yr-old collie, gashed his face near his eye Sat. night and I had to spend 4 hrs at the Vet ER waiting for stitches. They did staples and glue because I did not want him put under.
Because of the cone, he has knocked over a bunch of plants and other items so I am confining him to one area.
I'm just trying to keep up.

 

[TerryJ2]

I found Job Corps online. I will call to see if they will accept someone who is on medication. I do not think that Difficult Child should go off of his lithium.

 

[Kathy813]

Cutting that cord and stepping is hard... but it all goes back to "you're working hard than he is." Why jump through hoops when he could care less?

Crazy, that is what I had to learn the hard way. I was so desperately trying to fix someone that didn't want to be fixed. My therapist pointed out over and over that I was working harder to fix my daughter than she was.

Once I finally let go my daughter has seemed to step up to the plate. She says the difference is that she now wants to be sober and live a different kind of life. Up until that point, I was just butting my head against a brick wall and wondering why I wasn't getting results.

~Kathy

 

[Lil]

Our son hasn't paid for service on his track phone for a couple months and still has wifi and makes calls via Facebook messenger. So anyone he is Facebook friends with, he can call if he has a wifi signal. Our old Sprint phones still have internet, even though we have new phones active. Kind of once internet, always internet, apparently.

Starbucks, who is our blind, deaf, dementia-addled 13-yr-old collie, gashed his face near his eye Sat. night and I had to spend 4 hrs at the Vet ER waiting for stitches. They did staples and glue because I did not want him put under.

Poor puppy! He needs bumpers! Our boy Boston is losing his vision and I worry all the time about him getting hurt. His vision is like looking through frosted glass...he can still see shapes, but not make out details.

 

[pasajes4]

They can be on medication if they are at job corp. Most of the kids are at Job Corp are there because they need someplace to be other than home. They are floundering socially, educationally, and need work skills.

 

[Copabanana]

I was given a CD on JobCorps by the school counselor.

My son went to Job Corps. I didn't see a brochure let alone a CD. I went for it.

They are fantastic. They do not blink an eye with mental illness. They are used to all sorts of young people. It costs nothing. There are fantastic trainings.

My son had to be evaluated for 5150 while there and they just dropped him off at the clinic and picked him up when he passed. No drama.

They are wise to drug use.

My son picked the shortest training because completing a training was a condition to come home.

I agree with GoingNorth about getting tough.

Job Corps would be fantastic.

COPA