Parole Hearing for Sex Offender

[hearts and roses]

Next Thursday is the scheduled parole board hearing for difficult child's sex offender - it's been postponed 5 times beginning last fall. I am kind of hoping that this time it just goes forward already. The monthly letters about the "upcoming" parole hearing are really beginning to rattle me. It's just a constant reminder that this is something to think about, ponder, react to, worry that he will be released, etc.

On the one hand, the guy needs help and we all know he's not getting it in jail. on the other hand, there are no guarantees that he will get the help he needs upon release. He will, of course, be on the sex offender registry here in CT, but only for 10 years, and he had a pretty strong propensity to sexually offend prior to meeting up with difficult child beginning when he was 18. He is now 32. So I'm thinking the chances of a turnaround for him are fairly slim. I suppose stranger things have happened.

Since we've been getting these letters from the victims services unit for almost a year now, it's a constant reminder of that period in difficult child's (OUR) lives. I can't believe it's been 3 years since 'the incident'. Everytime difficult child makes a stupid decision or pulls something, I am instantly back to that place. Is that PTSD? I think so on some small scale, don't you?

difficult child is supposed to go to NY to visit with her dad next week and now she has stated that she cannot go because of the hearing - this is a visit that's been put off 3 times already. I'm calling the parole officer today to see if it's being postponed again. While I think it may be an important thing for difficult child to be at the hearing so she can say her piece (and hopefully put this behind her once and for all), I also really really need her to go visit her dad for the week. I need a break from her and the whole job/car thing. It's been so frustrating.

Anyway, if you think of it, please send up a thought for me, us. I really could use some stress reducing vibes and difficult child needs to get a clue. Thanks~

 

[WhymeMom?]

Thinking of you and your family.....hope the outcome can give you some peace and you can move forward.......

The delays and postponements do no good for anyone, just the sad shape of the justice system......my sympathies for your situation.

 

[Star*]

JO,


The flash backs to that moment are most certainly PTSD. If you have a mind to work with a therapist seek out one that does work in EMDR. It makes quick work of very traumatic events.

My other thought from voice of experience is to ask that your daughter's attacker be presented by VIDEO access only. This would ensure she not see him. Curosities she may have about him ie: wonder what he looks like now, is he sad, does he regret it will be better solved if he's not even in the same room as her.

In a lot of DV cases the victim thinks they want a confrontation with the attacker. She's dreamed about this day for over 3 years. And for some - they are able to ignore their attacker, say their peace and move on. For MOST they have envisioned that they will tell this person something, maybe cry, maybe scream - and hope to see a remorseful person begging for forgiveness. More than not what they get is the same man, with the same ideals sitting feet away from their victims, smug, unresponsive, yawning as if to say come on get this over with - I need to get out of here, borrrrrring, and sometimes they smirk, smile, wink or even flirt and blow kisses to their victims. I can't tell you what that does to women who spent the last X years of their lives waiting to have their day in court - only to be further tramatized.

I believe all sexual predators are mentally ill. I believe there is little chance for rehabilitation. I don't believe this is a choice situation - it's a compulsion. Some know it is wrong, but are habitual offenders. I believe if most could do it again and thought they would not get caught they would do it. Why subject your daughter to the chance of that happening?

When they do go to court tell them she has the right to say her peace - but HE HAS NO RIGHT TO EVEN SIT 50' FROM HER AND EVEN LOOK AT HER. NONE AT ALL.

Then ask the prosecutor to put him in a room and if she wants to say something to him - do it via sattelite. That gives your daugter a chance to say her peace in a safe environment. And it can prevent the attacker from being attacked. I can tell you from experience that if my attacker ever comes near me he'll have once chance to walk away. ONE. Which is more than I got. I keep tabs on him and it does give me a sense of security in a way.

I'm sorry she /you/family has to go through this at all. I'm not saying this from thinking - I'm telling you this from experience.

Hugs
Star

 

[hearts and roses]

Thank you ladies.

Star, it hadn't occurred to me that difficult child would be able to say her piece without having to look the offender in the eye, or even have him in the same room. I will definitely ask for this arrangement when I call the parole officer today.

And I think you're correct in that difficult child is likely hoping she will be able to hear him beg for her forgiveness, not to mention that we have some reservations of her being there due to her prior love of drama. She claims that it's not like that - that she is hoping instead to be able to finally put this behind her if she has the opportunity to face him and say how she felt then and how she feels now. I almost wish I could call on the original detective who handled everything with daughter and ask him to join us for support. He was so wonderful with daughter at the time. And with me. Something to think about this weekend, thank you.

 

[Star*]

JO,

What could it hurt to actually call the daughter and ask him to be there?

I would also ask the prosecutor to offer DV counseling leaving it "open end" - so that she may go and take advantage of free counseling if not now, then in the future or even in her 30's or 40's. Can't hurt to ask for it.

I hope you also have a peace bond in place. They are around 40ish dollars - sometimes they will offset the cost through a dv shelter, and people will say "But it's just a piece of paper." and, it is. However if in the future he comes near her or within a specified amount of space, that "just a piece of paper" is a tell-tale sign to police that there has already been significant amounts of documented trouble enough to get a peace bond. It's like a written fer sure to a cop that there has been a history of dv. Instead of the family standing around trying to make this cop understand the drama.

I have a life-time peace bond on my x. I am working on my CWP to carry a firearm. I have an alarm in my house, I have an alarm to wear around my neck with a panic button. I keep tabs on him, I have 2 huge guardian dogs, a fenced in yard, I live with a biker who's a great shot, and I've had therapy for 10 years, and specialized EMDR therapy for 3 months - and I wanted VERY badly for him to "feel remorse" for the things that he did - and he does not. The only time in the last 12 years I've heard a thing from him he got our phone number and left me a message in a stern tone - saying "It's all water under the bridge to me - you need to grow up." That's as close to an apology as I'll get and it put me BACK in therapy for another 2 years. I haven't spoken to him in 12 years - I have no intention of even allowing him to SEE me ever. And like I said if he comes near me HE gets 1 chance to leave by his own volition. One.

And I say this to you at 43 - with a good 12 years of therapy under my belt and being very well read. I know what she's going through. Eventually in time - she'll realize that confrontation is NOT the best revenge. When you get to a point in your life that you forget someone - they cease to exist in your mind, when they cease to exist - you have more room to fill in your head with good and positive things.

All my hugs to you and yours Jo.
Star

 

[Steely]

Many, many hugs.
I wish I had more to offer, but unfortunately even the content of your post gave me PTSD flashes. I am kinda a mess myself. Sorry. However, I do want to wish you and difficult child wisdom, strength, and peace in the upcoming weeks.

 

[witzend]

I hope that she will understand that this guy begging for her forgiveness would be about as valid as Osama bin Laden wanting flight lessons so he can easily weekend at Cape Cod.

I hate seeing victim's statements on the news when there is a big hearing. The offender only cares that they got caught, and given a chance they would do it all over again without the getting caught part. I would never want my rapist to know how horribly he affected my life, it gives him too much power. It's the beautiful thing about moving on. They don't have a hold on you anymore. Then again, they never caught my rapist. And I'm not 20 years old anymore.

Good luck to her. If nothing else, maybe she could write a letter?

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Steely}}}

Witz, yes, we're drafting up a letter which she wants to read from.

When everything went down and H and I attended the initial arraignment hearings following the assualt and arrest, we did not allow difficult child to attend with us. The main reason is because she was 15 and out of control in the "oh, look at me and all the drama I have created...lets see how much more drama I can create here....and oh poor me, I'm the victim" (which is not to say she isn't a victim, she is...). For her it became a very big opprtunity to look cool in front of her little friends, garner sympathy and attention. We did not feel that she was taking any of it seriously at the time, mainly due to some things we saw her writing to and telling her friends at the time.

However, some counseling and some time have given her some (a small amount of) pause and time to reflect and I do think she's ready to address it, though I am still concerned about the aspect of her being in the room with him. She actually felt sorry that she got him in trouble way back when everything happened and I'm afraid if she sees him in the flesh those feelings will come back up. we've tried through counseling to help her just move on and put this behind her, but like many difficult child's she's been hanging on to this (and sadly, uses it as an excuse at times).

 

[everywoman]

Jog---I can't imagine the pressure this puts on all of you. I agree that I would find some way to insure that later, if difficult child needs it counseling is made available. I'll pray for a good outcome.

 

[hearts and roses]

Jog---I can't imagine the pressure this puts on all of you. I agree that I would find some way to insure that later, if difficult child needs it counseling is made available. I'll pray for a good outcome.

It's really just difficult child and me.

My H doesn't want anything to do with this at all. He feels it's over and behind us and that we should not attend the parole hearing, that we've already done what we could in getting him behind bars. He also feels that difficult child's attending will just be feeding into her drama and attention seeking seeking stuff. He feels attending is very "Jerry Springer-ish".

My exh, the mold from which difficult child was made, wants to attend with us and he also wants the opportunity to make a statement (He's not allowed to, nor am I). He seems to like the idea of being the {not so} big dad coming to protect his daughter {too little too late}. My resentment aside, I admire his desire to be there for dgfg but I wonder how much of it is about him moreso than difficult child, Know what I mean??

Therefore, it's basically difficult child and me working together to create a statement for the hearing and spending the day together driving 2 hours each way...starting at 6 AM. Can anyone say, "Ugh"?

I appreciate the support from all of you. It really helps.

 

[hearts and roses]

It's freakin been postponed AGAIN. I just want to get this over with. They postponed it till July 3rd and that's not good for us because we will be at easy child's graduation that day, so they said it will be continued again. Which means I will receive at least 3-4 certified letters in the interim giving me new dates that will not ever happen. Argh. I asked the victims advocate why it continues to be postponed and she said they have been waiting for some paperwork - since last FALL?? WTH?

Star, I did ask about difficult child being able to say her piece without him there and she said they will place him in separate confinement while she reads her statement and we will be able to listen in when he's speaking and the hearing is going on from another room. There will be an opportunity for difficult child to see him when the hearing is decided at the end, but she can opt out. I am relieved. Thank you for clueing me in on that!

 

[Suz]

Jo, I'm sorry that it's been postponed again. I can't imagine the frustration; it must be horrendous. I guess the only consolation (not much, I'm sure) is that the longer it's postponed, the longer he is locked up.

Suz

 

[donna723]

Jo, unless she thinks it will do her a lot of good to "unload" on him at his parole hearing, unless she really thinks that it will help her put it all behind her, there isn't a lot of sense in her going. Will this hearing be held in a State prison? They can be very intimidating places if you're not familiar with them. For some people going to parole hearings, just the process of entering a prison can be a frightening ordeal ... being patted down and frisk searched, going through the metal detectors, all the heavy metal gates slamming behind you, other inmates milling around. And also bear in mind that many times the inmate's family is also there to attend the hearing and to give moral support. They take great care to keep the victims and the inmates family separate, but they still might be there.

I have worked in a State prison for the last 22 years and our parole hearings are conducted in a conference room at one end of the hallway where our offices are. And trust me on this one ... they're ALL sorry at their parole hearings! They're so full of anguish and regret for what they've done, the people they've harmed. They apologize profusely. Some of them even cry and say that their mama didn't raise them that way. But they've miraculously changed and now they see the error of their ways ... maybe they've even "found the Lord"! And it's the biggest load of pure B.S. horse-hockey there ever was! They'll say whatever they think the parole board wants to hear, they say anything they think might sway the decision in their favor. They ARE sorry they got caught, and they ARE sorry that they're in prison and not out in the streets still doing whatever it was that sent them to prison in the first place! But that's about as far as it goes. What I'm saying is that it will be quite an ordeal for her just going in to attend the hearing. And when she gets there he may very well weep and wail and beg for her forgiveness ... and he will not mean one single word of it! She needs to understand that more than likely it's all B.S., it's not a bit sincere, and that even if he says it it won't mean a thing because he doesn't mean it! She can submit a written victims statement and it will be read at his hearing - she doesn't have to be there. Or, she may be allowed to have her statement videotaped to be played at his hearing, without her being there in person.

Parole hearings are set automatically after so many years of incarceration but that doesn't mean that he will be paroled. The first ones are usually just a legal formality. Even Charles Manson has parole hearings every few years! Our parole board is very conservative and almost nobody is granted parole at their first hearing ... especially the sex offenders. Probably what they will do is put him off for a period of time and then he will be granted another hearing. And most sex offenders are required to attend lots of therapeudic programs and evaluations before ever being even considered for parole. The chances of him actually being approved for parole are very slim. Do they have something similar to our Victims Compensation Fund in your state? Your daughter may be eligible to receive counseling or other assistance that HE will partially pay for by having the majority of his tiny wages from his prison job withdrawn and put into the fund that goes to their victims. Our inmates whine and cry about most of their wages being taken ... too bad ... so sad!

 

[hearts and roses]

It's not being held at the prison where he is, but at a correctional facility at another location - with offices, conference rooms, etc. I am hoping we don't have to go through all that patting down business, however, even at our state courts we have to pass through metal detectors and they go through your purse and jacket pockets, etc. Not that difficult child has ever experienced that before.

Of course, at his sentencing hearing, where we had our last 'say' through a 4 page letter I wrote (difficult child was a minor then) and was filtered through the Victims Advocacy office of CT (Hartford), he was claiming all sorts of remorse. I actually did feel a little bad for him as he was leaving behind his little daughter and I just thought how messed up his life is from now on. It didn't help that at 29, he could pass for 19. I mean, talk about a baby face. Even H, who was with me at the sentencing, said, "He's just a kid, for Christ's sake. What a waste of a life." Don't get me wrong, it's not like we felt bad enough for him that they should let him go.

The Victim's Advocate office has assured me that we will be able to listen in on the hearing, but will be in a separate room. I know that difficult child will be disappointed in this arrangement, but I can't risk the small chance that she will be either fall apart or feel bad for him and plead for mercy. Yes, she's that stupid still.

Thank you for sharing your experiences as an employee in the system - it helps a lot. When the date finally arrives, I will be happy to have it behind us till next time.