Past plan B working on W

[Simion]

Once again in that place in recovery where it is time to regroup, reorganize & prioritize. 23 year old adult daughter diagnosed Borderline (BPD), PTSD ect. Feeling defeated & depressed like this nightmare of mental illnesses will never end. Nor this recovery journey. It has been my entire life living with & recovering from, be it myself or family members. All of this is generation to generation. Family is a walking DSM, pick a page we have one. However it is this journey with my daughter that has broken me.

 

[Crayola13]

PTSD from childhood can sometimes be a factor in causing borderline personality disorder. It’s complex. Is your daughter seeing a doctor and taking medications?

 

[Simion]

Her diagnosis is Complex PTSD & Borderline (BPD). Working with a therapist, not taking her medications. Is in need of a medication evaluation with a good psychiatrist.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I am very very sorry for your pain. I get it.

Do you go to any 12 Step meetings, either in person or on Zoom, like AL Anon or Nar Anon. I find my group to be very helpful. I'm in a Zoom group for Nar Anon. You can find all groups online. My daughter would never see a Psychiareist but I'd bet she has untreated borderline.

For mental health issues there is the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). Maybe call a group near you and see if they offer meetings or services for you.

Blessings!

 

[Simion]

No I do not engage in 12 Step programs. I am happy to hear this has been helpful for you. I was raised in a 12 Step abusive family & continued that dysfunctional cycle in my own life and daughters. I am sober over 40 years & achieved it working with a therapist. I have found help in other groups, parents groups, co - dependency, domestic violence. All have served to help me in my wellness journey. Truthfully I’m tired of all that. There isn’t a therapy, group, book, documentary that changes the heartache of having a child with a mental illness. If my daughter had a “ medical illness “ this would be such a different journey. I’d be encouraged to hold my child close, go to any lengths to find help. People would be falling over themselves to be supportive. But have a child with a severe mental illness, you / family become societies outcast, with inferior treatment if any. And no you can not hold your ill child close, you must set boundaries, disengage, put up with ignorant peoples judgement. No one is stopping by with a casserole to console you. You in this on your own fighting for your child, your family, your self. It wears on your heart & soul, day in & day out. And sometimes the hurt is overwhelming and in that broken place you must rise and begin again.

 

[BusynMember1]

I know. I did this too. My daughter is also mentally ill. Until she was in her 30s I fought for her , ignoring the rest of my family. What I found out is that Kay had to be willing to do the fighting and she would not so I stopped. It was too draining and my marriage was suffering...the entire family was being destroyed because of Kay's poor choices. One poor choice was her refusal to get any help. Another was using drugs. Another was somehow sabotaging every edge we tried to give her to get better. We spent considerable time and money. She spent no time trying to get better so she did not and I finally see that I can't make her get well.

A lot of us have decided that this is not OUR fight. That we can't change another person, not even our child or somebody who is mentally ill or using drugs. We can't stop them. They must want to be well and to decide to cooperate with help.

It took me ten years and half of our retirement money to finally realize that in our case our help did not help Kay.

We also see a therapist.

I hope you find peace.

 

[Simion]

Thanks for sharing your journey. I know there is nothing I can do for her she has to want to do it herself. I’ve been through this with an older daughter who had a heroine addiction. Thankfully clean 5 years. This youngest daughter is harder to just let go of as she has some developmental delays as well. I‘ve worked with homeless women. The young ones with mental health issues whose families cut them off have terrible things happen to them. Prostitution and death awaits a large number of them.

 

[16yrsandcounting]

I know. I did this too. My daughter is also mentally ill. Until she was in her 30s I fought for her , ignoring the rest of my family. What I found out is that Kay had to be willing to do the fighting and she would not so I stopped. It was too draining and my marriage was suffering...the entire family was being destroyed because of Kay's poor choices. One poor choice was her refusal to get any help. Another was using drugs. Another was somehow sabotaging every edge we tried to give her to get better. We spent considerable time and money. She spent no time trying to get better so she did not and I finally see that I can't make her get well.

A lot of us have decided that this is not OUR fight. That we can't change another person, not even our child or somebody who is mentally ill or using drugs. We can't stop them. They must want to be well and to decide to cooperate with help.

It took me ten years and half of our retirement money to finally realize that in our case our help did not help Kay.

We also see a therapist.

I hope you find peace.

This is me too. The only difference is that I am raising my daughters children (4). Its so hard to face the day with the pain caused by my daughter. It helps to know I am not alone.

 

[Capricorn142]

I know. I did this too. My daughter is also mentally ill. Until she was in her 30s I fought for her , ignoring the rest of my family. What I found out is that Kay had to be willing to do the fighting and she would not so I stopped. It was too draining and my marriage was suffering...the entire family was being destroyed because of Kay's poor choices. One poor choice was her refusal to get any help. Another was using drugs. Another was somehow sabotaging every edge we tried to give her to get better. We spent considerable time and money. She spent no time trying to get better so she did not and I finally see that I can't make her get well.

A lot of us have decided that this is not OUR fight. That we can't change another person, not even our child or somebody who is mentally ill or using drugs. We can't stop them. They must want to be well and to decide to cooperate with help.

It took me ten years and half of our retirement money to finally realize that in our case our help did not help Kay.

We also see a therapist.

I hope you find peace.

I am in the same boat. My daughter is 35. I have paid her bills and tried to help her maintain a relationship with her kids (girl aged 16 and son aged 11). For years she had shared 50/50 custody with her ex husband but her drug use, exposure to domestic violence, a series of short-lived relationships, and failure to do the bare necessities resulted in her having every other weekend which I’ve been told I’ve taken over because the kids don’t want to come, but instead stay here with me—she lives around the corner in a house I pay for.

Last night she took money from my PayPal account—and she has taken from my bank accounts before—but It is MY FAULT because when she was in the process of stealing from me she saw I sent her ex money to help with her daughter’s car insurance. She pays no support and will not work. I blew up, and again it is my fault. I kept on hoping things would get better and have paid for rehab twice. Her dad and I—though divorced—would do anything to help her. She either does not see nor does not care about the hell she puts everyone through.

Her eldest brother is in renal failure and needs a transplant. Her other bother also has medical issues and requires financial help. I’m 65 and eight years sober—and a lawyer. I’m at my wit’s end and miss my daughter. Up until about 8 or 9 years ago we had a great relationship and she was an asset in my office. Then she started cheating on her husband and not coming to work. She started neglecting the kids too.

I’m at a loss.

 

[Blighty]

Welcome to the forum Capricorn142
You have so much going on with your kids especially your daughter. To see her change like that must be very hard. I'm glad you found us.