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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 727507" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh newstart, that makes all of it so much more difficult. I understand completely. Your post brought tears to my eyes because it conjured up so many memories of how I felt when I was creating boundaries for my daughter.....</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe the point is to find out what it is you are willing to do and what you are not and to communicate that to your daughter effectively, as you are doing. Your daughter may indeed benefit from your boundaries, however, she may not.....I think it's valuable to address the possibility that there may be a different outcome then you anticipate. I've found, for my own sanity and well being, that it's beneficial to be unattached to the outcome completely......to do your part by setting boundaries around negative behavior and then to let it go. I know how hard that is, believe me, I've done my share of suffering over my daughter's choices too.....I did a lot of meditating and therapy to be able to let go.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>For what it's worth I had a recent experience with my daughter that was completely unexpected. After not seeing her too much... mostly because we'd been away and then my husband and I got the flu.....I saw her about a week ago. I didn't feel any of the old codependent emotions.....there was no resentment, no anger or sadness, guilt or actually any negatives at all. There was a new opening between she and I......I was filled with love for her in a way I hadn't felt in a long time......she was basically the same, she'd already adhered to all of my boundaries.....I think what the difference is is that I accepted her the way she showed up and I did not feel, on any level at all, <em>that I was responsible for her.</em> My therapist told me that my daughter likely had trouble with self validation which I think is part of Borderline too. That helped me to see that I could validate her feelings without validating the behaviors. Somehow that made sense to me and when I saw her, I did that.</p><p></p><p>I think a large part of the difference is that in my own healing I unloaded GUILT about not being able to save her......and that ushered in acceptance of myself and then of her. I am still somewhat awed by it all.....it was as if the "space" and the energy between she and I was cleansed and all of the old stuff was gone and this new opening was there. I am still trying to integrate it and find more clarity in it.....but I wanted to share it with you because your experience and mine are very similar. Forgive me if this is disjointed or not clear, I'm still processing all of it....</p><p></p><p>It didn't turn out the way I would have hoped when I began this journey......however, it works. She is who she is, living her life the way she wants, I am not responsible for any part of her life any longer, we are separate in every way......and in that separation, with her over there and me over here....love blossomed in a new and pretty wonderful way. I could be present with her in a way I could not when I was enabling her. And that presence alone validated her and invited in a new authenticity I had yearned for but hadn't known how to get to. I believe all of the work I'd been doing on myself ushered in a very new experience with my daughter.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe that YOU can walk in harmony with your daughter and even if she cannot do it the way you do, you can experience the harmony if you are present with yourself........I know it sounds odd, but I do believe this is an "inside job" in which your daughter is the catalyst for changes for you.....and in those changes, it will ALL change. Empaths often have much work to do with boundaries and once they are erected effectively, I believe our capacity for love and acceptance is unlimited.....but the boundaries are crucial so that we can open our hearts.</p><p></p><p>I can't know the path for you and your daughter, but I feel in my heart that as you develop strong boundaries (and I think your communication with your daughter today is a big indicator of how committed you are to changing) your experience will mirror mine. However, in this in-between time, I think it's extremely important for you to hold your ground, hard as it is, so that you and she can separate in an organic, healthy way......I don't mean separate as in you don't see her, I mean separate in that you are two entirely separate beings....you are not enmeshed, you know where she ends and you begin.....as an empath sometimes those lines are quite foggy......hence, our inability at times to be able to rise above all our feelings to set those boundaries and keep them.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't believe she chooses to be difficult....she is who she is as a result of a different brain....it's you and I who choose to enable and that is something we CAN change. We have the power to do that. And, at least from where I stand today....(it can always change!) in making those changes, in setting strong boundaries around negative behavior, you end up not abandoning yourself to codependency, which ushers in loving and accepting yourself......and that changes every part of our lives, including our connection with our kids.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It does wear us out. You did so much today newstart in terms of boundary setting with your daughter.....letting her know about the house rental was a lot. Give yourself credit for doing a very difficult thing. I believe it's better to do this in increments anyway.....as you build your strength and she adapts to changes. In addition to spending time with our daughters who are taxing to begin with.....you're also making enormous changes within yourself and that is incredibly wearing on us.</p><p></p><p>I hope you have a good support system because this is hard.....and being an empath makes this even more difficult because you're feeling for her too....... I had an ARMY of people helping me....I never thought I would stop feeling the agony you feel........but amazingly I did. No one is more surprised than me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I know exactly how you feel newstart. I was drowning in all of it and <strong>had </strong>to do something differently, as you are.....I was forced into change because of my daughter.....now I see it as the greatest gift of my life....because my journey thru it all gave me my life back.....and this time, that life is free of codependency, guilt, obligation,resentment and fear.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. You did an incredible job today of setting your boundary. Of course, you're worn out from it.....it's horrifically HARD. Your daughter may be sad about letting go of the connection you two had before.....but that sadness is part of letting go of the old......it's ok....I hope she can feel it and grieve it and let it go......</p><p></p><p>I feel for you newstart.....I have enormous empathy for you and send you my warmest and best wishes for you to find some peace along the way.....you deserve that, you've had so many losses, so much grief.....in reading your story I do believe this is your time to heal and your time to thrive....and as hard as it is for you, you really are doing a wonderful job......and I also know that it still hurts like hell.</p><p></p><p>Nurture yourself now. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Give to yourself as you would to your daughter if she were hurting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 727507, member: 13542"] Oh newstart, that makes all of it so much more difficult. I understand completely. Your post brought tears to my eyes because it conjured up so many memories of how I felt when I was creating boundaries for my daughter..... I believe the point is to find out what it is you are willing to do and what you are not and to communicate that to your daughter effectively, as you are doing. Your daughter may indeed benefit from your boundaries, however, she may not.....I think it's valuable to address the possibility that there may be a different outcome then you anticipate. I've found, for my own sanity and well being, that it's beneficial to be unattached to the outcome completely......to do your part by setting boundaries around negative behavior and then to let it go. I know how hard that is, believe me, I've done my share of suffering over my daughter's choices too.....I did a lot of meditating and therapy to be able to let go. For what it's worth I had a recent experience with my daughter that was completely unexpected. After not seeing her too much... mostly because we'd been away and then my husband and I got the flu.....I saw her about a week ago. I didn't feel any of the old codependent emotions.....there was no resentment, no anger or sadness, guilt or actually any negatives at all. There was a new opening between she and I......I was filled with love for her in a way I hadn't felt in a long time......she was basically the same, she'd already adhered to all of my boundaries.....I think what the difference is is that I accepted her the way she showed up and I did not feel, on any level at all, [I]that I was responsible for her.[/I] My therapist told me that my daughter likely had trouble with self validation which I think is part of Borderline too. That helped me to see that I could validate her feelings without validating the behaviors. Somehow that made sense to me and when I saw her, I did that. I think a large part of the difference is that in my own healing I unloaded GUILT about not being able to save her......and that ushered in acceptance of myself and then of her. I am still somewhat awed by it all.....it was as if the "space" and the energy between she and I was cleansed and all of the old stuff was gone and this new opening was there. I am still trying to integrate it and find more clarity in it.....but I wanted to share it with you because your experience and mine are very similar. Forgive me if this is disjointed or not clear, I'm still processing all of it.... It didn't turn out the way I would have hoped when I began this journey......however, it works. She is who she is, living her life the way she wants, I am not responsible for any part of her life any longer, we are separate in every way......and in that separation, with her over there and me over here....love blossomed in a new and pretty wonderful way. I could be present with her in a way I could not when I was enabling her. And that presence alone validated her and invited in a new authenticity I had yearned for but hadn't known how to get to. I believe all of the work I'd been doing on myself ushered in a very new experience with my daughter. I believe that YOU can walk in harmony with your daughter and even if she cannot do it the way you do, you can experience the harmony if you are present with yourself........I know it sounds odd, but I do believe this is an "inside job" in which your daughter is the catalyst for changes for you.....and in those changes, it will ALL change. Empaths often have much work to do with boundaries and once they are erected effectively, I believe our capacity for love and acceptance is unlimited.....but the boundaries are crucial so that we can open our hearts. I can't know the path for you and your daughter, but I feel in my heart that as you develop strong boundaries (and I think your communication with your daughter today is a big indicator of how committed you are to changing) your experience will mirror mine. However, in this in-between time, I think it's extremely important for you to hold your ground, hard as it is, so that you and she can separate in an organic, healthy way......I don't mean separate as in you don't see her, I mean separate in that you are two entirely separate beings....you are not enmeshed, you know where she ends and you begin.....as an empath sometimes those lines are quite foggy......hence, our inability at times to be able to rise above all our feelings to set those boundaries and keep them. I don't believe she chooses to be difficult....she is who she is as a result of a different brain....it's you and I who choose to enable and that is something we CAN change. We have the power to do that. And, at least from where I stand today....(it can always change!) in making those changes, in setting strong boundaries around negative behavior, you end up not abandoning yourself to codependency, which ushers in loving and accepting yourself......and that changes every part of our lives, including our connection with our kids. It does wear us out. You did so much today newstart in terms of boundary setting with your daughter.....letting her know about the house rental was a lot. Give yourself credit for doing a very difficult thing. I believe it's better to do this in increments anyway.....as you build your strength and she adapts to changes. In addition to spending time with our daughters who are taxing to begin with.....you're also making enormous changes within yourself and that is incredibly wearing on us. I hope you have a good support system because this is hard.....and being an empath makes this even more difficult because you're feeling for her too....... I had an ARMY of people helping me....I never thought I would stop feeling the agony you feel........but amazingly I did. No one is more surprised than me. I know exactly how you feel newstart. I was drowning in all of it and [B]had [/B]to do something differently, as you are.....I was forced into change because of my daughter.....now I see it as the greatest gift of my life....because my journey thru it all gave me my life back.....and this time, that life is free of codependency, guilt, obligation,resentment and fear. Hang in there. You did an incredible job today of setting your boundary. Of course, you're worn out from it.....it's horrifically HARD. Your daughter may be sad about letting go of the connection you two had before.....but that sadness is part of letting go of the old......it's ok....I hope she can feel it and grieve it and let it go...... I feel for you newstart.....I have enormous empathy for you and send you my warmest and best wishes for you to find some peace along the way.....you deserve that, you've had so many losses, so much grief.....in reading your story I do believe this is your time to heal and your time to thrive....and as hard as it is for you, you really are doing a wonderful job......and I also know that it still hurts like hell. Nurture yourself now. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Give to yourself as you would to your daughter if she were hurting. [/QUOTE]
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