You know Shannon, I have that same issue, rewards and punishments can backfire for me, of course there are times when consequences have to happen, heck...if he is hitting with a toy that toy is gone...but will that teach mine to not do it again when he earns the toy back??? not usually. Punishments cause so much anxiety, anger, stress, his brain is single focused and he just does not come out of it. Taking earned things away (like stickers or checks on a chart or such things ) is simply unworkable for us. Rewards for learning or doing or complying work, but inconsistently. He has to be in a good place and it depends on the task etc.
So, in general it is the big picture we have had to work on. I have had to do the whole prioritizing things. What things am I going to focus on first. Those things and only those things are going to get corrections etc. I work to keep overall triggers down, including if he is going on and on swearing or mumbling disrespectful sounding things... I stay quiet. Right now we are not in a place at our house where that is a priority behavior. YET it does decrease anyway because by not working on every single behavior overall stress lessens and with a calmer kid comes calmer behavior (well and I am calmer in there too so that clearly is a big part of it).
When I use a task list and schedule lists, I dont give rewards for each step. He just does better with that visual cue and that in and of itself works. Not everything needs rewards and punishments, we use our calendars without an m and m for meeting each appointment, right? For some kids it just meets their needs. You are probably doing just the right thing for your child by doing that.
I want to apologize for the turn the thread went, not because anyone said anything that was not ok, but because it may have been confusing. I for one was not saying he must be autistic, just that many of us have been through that issue of someone saying something and later finding out it was wrong, so just get nervous about closing any avenues that in the future could help. One thing you will not be able to say about any of us...we are not a group that is not passionate about helping and we so dont want anyone to suffer anything we may have gone through. Always take what is helpful and leave the rest, naturally we all are going to have different opinions, that is the beauty of any forum...as long as we simply share and are respectful! I for one have grown to appreciate that here, that people really take the time to share from their hearts and experiences. We wont know until you tell us which type of experience you are having and can relate to.
For now, what matters is meeting his learning style to help with the behavior challenges you are facing. YES... it feels like they can push us into a corner and get whatever they want! But I honestly feel it is so much more than that. You said maybe he has a little bit of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) type of symptoms maybe??? well sure, there are many many people in the world who have symptoms that fall into many different disorders (one can be disorganized, doesn't mean they are for sure adhd, one can have poor eye contact, doesn't' mean they have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), you get the idea) so maybe your little one has a learning style that would benefit from these kinds of methods that are often used in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) programs but really now have expanded and are being used in emotional and behavioral classes and Learning Disability (LD) classes etc... things that are very visual and that break things into simpler steps....like you are using a little bit. It is great that it has helped.
In the end, that is what we are looking for...tools that actually work. So, if you want to find more ideas like that they may be on learning sites like Learning Disability (LD) sites, may be on Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) sites or others... and you certainly don't need to have a diagnosis to access that information! smile!!! Many of us have had to use tools like that, and many others so throw out a situation and we can brain storm with you if that seems to work for your family, the great! Why reinvent the wheel???
I am sorry it gets to be so stressful when the behaviors happen, I can really relate to that. I have thought those same thoughts about traditional parenting...time outs, consequences etc.
Oh, one thing I may have said here but I am sorry if I am mixed up...I will make sure...
When I have to resort to "losing a privilege" I have found that it is possible if I do it a little differently (unless a safety issue, then I just have to walk thru it...like our not being able to play outside at all by our house right now).... but for example, I may have to say...well you just lost ten minutes of watching TV. Or a spin that works better is when I say... if you can keep your hands and feet to your self for ten minutes then I will let you start watching NASCAR, etc.
I also have to make sure he knows the plan...unknowns are hard on him. He likes to know that he has fifteen minutes left and then we will go (even if he grumbles he does way better than if I say...OK time to go NOW!). You probably already do that but there are many ways to give a countdown...even some that are purely visual so if you find more of that visual cuing works, then feel free to ask and we can throw out ideas for how we have done it (it has morphed for me over the years by age and development of course....and I have used some different methods for different kids in classroom settings... all different diagnosis but same problem with transitioning).... so if those are issues, feel free to ask.