Poetry from Jail...

[DammitJanet]

LMS...when I had to write my kids in places that werent the best...like jail or boot camp...I tended to write newsy letters and might insert things like cartoons I found online and cut/pasted into the letters. I always wrote the letters on the computers. Might copy a picture of his kids too.

 

[Stella Johnson]

I'm with Janet. I think there is some master book of drawings and poetry in every jail to help manipulate those on the outside. I really do not think it is a good idea to go to the jail. You did tell him you would not go see him there. It is too hard on you and that is who you need to focus on. He is where he put himself. It only tortures you more to see what he has done this time. Instead during the time husband goes you should go do something you enjoy. go shopping, out to eat with meor find a new hobby to work on. I wish husband wouldn't go. I don't think anything he could say good or bad to him will help anything. If he goes to say I told you so it only gets difficult child worked up and he will go do something even more stupid. If he coddles him it only helps him come up with excuses as to how this is someone else's fault.

What he did was absolutely disgusting. I don't even know what word to use. He is lucky he didn't seriously injure all of them. He is lucky he doesn't have a wife like me. He would be getting divorce papers right about now. YOu need to concentrate on your grandchildren and help bring them up in a safe environment. Go spend time with them while they are doing the visit. They are the ones who need you. Their world is in constant chaos and this is not good for them. They need stability and real love.

I would not be surprised if CPS doesn't get involved when and if he gets out. His wife may lose the babies if she lets him come back. In Texas if you have any felony on your record you can never have joint or sole custody. That is if she divorces him. Doesn't sound like she has gotten that smart yet but she had better come up with something. She could be in real trouble if she lets him come back after this. I don't mean to sound harsh. I know he is your baby but so are the grandbabies. difficult child has had so many opportunities to get it straight and has slipped through the cracks so many times when he has done horrendous things. Bottom line, I think everyone needs to concentrate on the kids. difficult child is the only one who can help himself.

I know it is easy to try to blame ourselves for difficult child behavior. We think if we had done this differently or hadn't done that then possibly they wouldn't be what they are today. No parent is perfect. We do our best with what we have and love them unconditionally. Even people with crappy parents at some point during adulthood have to put their big girl panties on and move forward. No amount of whining about what happened to us as a child will help us as adults. Your difficult child had it very good as a child. I know, I saw it. You guys did the best you could with what you had. What he does from here on out is all on him. He has to make the choice to get help and get his life together. At this point coddling him and catching him every time he falls teaches him nothing and makes it all too easy to continue his bad behaviors. That goes for his wife too. She has babies to raise. She needs to think about what is best for them not for him. He's a big boy now. It's time to think about the kids.

There is my two cents. In no way do I mean to sound harsh. I just hate seeing difficult child's manipulate you the way they do. And that is what the entire poem was. If he really believed and felt that stuff he would change. So far we haven't seen any of that.
I'm always here for you anytime.

 

[toughlovin]

I agree there is a lot of manipulation.... and there may also be some real feelings on his part. Who knows. I also agree that in no way should you sacrifice your mental health, physical health, financial stability or any other major thing. Definitely the number one priority is to take care of yourself and do what is right for you.

However I also think as mothers sometimes what is right for US is to continue to let our kids know we love them. I know for me there is no way I could feel like I was turning my back on my son. I couldn't live with that either. No matter what he does I want to feel like I have done my best by him and I will continue to love him no matter what he does. Part of my love for him also means I will not enable him to destroy himself, if he is going to do that it will have to be on his own. Yet if he reaches out to me asking me to talk to him, write to him, be there emotionally for him I will do what I can.

There are no right or wrong answers here.... it really is about you finding out what is right for you to do for yourself. If it feels right to you to go visit him in jail, then go visit him. If it feels too stressful then don't. If it feels right to you to write him then do that, if you need more space right now then that is ok too. Ultimately you have to take care of yourself, and he has to take care of himself.

Hugs,

TL

 

[DammitJanet]

I heard someone say something quite profound...and I cant remember where I heard it...but they said...You can love your child (or spouse/partner) unconditionally but you dont want to love them to death.

 

[toughlovin]

Wow Janet that is profound. I also think it is really important to see and feel the difference between loving them and enabling them. Really often the true act of love is to stop enabling them, although they certainly won't see it that way. I don't know what is going to happen with my son but I do believe if we hadn't taken action when he was younger he would probably be dead by now.... and if we hadn't kicked him out of the house that might also be true. He did illegal things after he was kicked out, he struggled, he now has a felony on his record BUT he is still alive and hopefully is deciding he wants to stay that way.

 

[Sunlight]

Those in prisons and jails should be visited. They should get letters. The incarceration IS the punishment. The corporal works of mercy ask us to tend to the sick, visit those in prison...and mail is the highlight of their day.

I visited my son in 4 county jails and finally in state prison. I was so angry that he progressed on to the 4th DUI that took him to an agreement to serve his time in prison and take a program there. So angry... that I did not visit him for a long time when he went in. At my first visit I hugged him but also felt like screaming at him. (hence the inmates have guards overlooking the visits-partly for the protection of the inmates from family members wanting to take it out on them.)

Inmates having close family ties do better when they come home. They should not be coddled, but they should know they are loved. My son has been home about 2 and a half years and is now addicted to work. We have boundaries. He knows what is expected of him.

It is hard to get them on medications while incarcerated. It is hard to get them in to see a psychiatrist. There are so many inmates that they have to wait months for eyeglasses, let alone to see a psychiatrist. medications are so limited in jails and prison and they have limited kinds of medications they can dispense.

Write to your son. Forgive him but don't forget what he is capable of doing.

God bless you and your son(s) Tammy. ((HUGS))

 

[Stella Johnson]

Those in prisons and jails should be visited. They should get letters. The incarceration IS the punishment. The corporal works of mercy ask us to tend to the sick, visit those in prison...and mail is the highlight of their day.

LMS isn't hesitant about going to see difficult child in jail because she wants to punish him. It isn't that at all. She had a complete psychotic break the last time this happened with her other difficult child. It hurts her too much. LMS is finally stable mentally and putting herself in that situation again would most likely undo all of the work she has done. I don't at all agree that LMS needs to visit him.

Her difficult child knows he is loved. Other family members, her husband, daughter in law, other family members have and are visiting him. She has told him many times she could not visit him if he ended up there again. It wasn't a threat. It is self preservation. She isn't punishing him. She does not need to risk being locked up in a mental ward because her son chose to get into trouble again.... not to mention it is for hurting his own child while he was drunk.

I don't want LMS to feel she needs to go see him. It will hurt her way more than it could ever "help" difficult child for her to go there.

 

[Sunlight]

Her difficult child knows he is loved. Other family members, her husband, daughter in law, other family members have and are visiting him. She has told him many times she could not visit him if he ended up there again. ..I don't want LMS to feel she needs to go see him. It will hurt her way more than it could ever "help" difficult child for her to go there.

I too have told my son that I would not visit him if he went back to prison. I understand. However, knowing me, I would not let that stick very long, I would be missing him after some time. We do get overwhelmed from the chaos they bring into our lives. If she has told him she cannot visit him and he understands why...then she has every right to stick to what she said she would do. Only she knows what is best for her own situation, I realize that.

There is no "master book of drawings and poetry" in any jail to help manipulate those on the outside. Many inmates simply have lots of time to draw and express themselves. Lots of deep thought comes out of the long boring days. I have seen lots of beautiful cards and blogs from inmates. Some of them truly are master manipulators, but most just are lonely and want to do their time and get out.

You are a good friend to want to protect Tammy.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi you all...

Well, I have been alittle down lately.
Did write young difficult child a brief letter today...

"Dear difficult child"
"Not much to say... Only that I love you and MISS you SO MUCH!

I hope you recognise someday that you need to be on a Mood Stabilizer. Also that you are an addict and in serious need of AA.

Remember "Mom knows best".

Just know that I love you and am rooting for you!
Know matter where you are you can put that Strong Will of yours
into making positive changes in your life.

We all Love you and speak of you often.

Stay Strong,
Love, Mom"

Antsmom...I'm so glad to hear that your son is out of jail and working hard. Thank you for your thoughts in regard to visiting young difficult child but I simply cannot. It wasn't just a "nervous breakdown" or even panic attacks. I had a full blown psychotic breakdown complete with horrifying hallucinations and G-d and the Devil playing tricks in my head. It's hard to explain but I was one very delusional and disturbed woman.
I just can't rock the boat...I'm sure you can understand.

Thank you all for caring...I feel bad that I haven't posted much lately.
Just trying to keep my mind off of things mostly.

I do read many posts though and am thinking and praying for many.
Hugs,
LMS

 

[toughlovin]

I agree that if we are able that visiting our sons in jail is a good thing to do however it is absolutely not worth risking our own mental health to do it. LMS I am glad you wrote him a letter and let him know you love him I also think you are showing good sense in taking care of yourself and not visiting him in prison given the history. Do the docs understand what caused the psychotic break? Was it the stress and hurt and pain of him being in jail or was there more to it than that? Hugs I know this is a really hard time and it sounds like you are doing a great job holding up.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Toughlovin,

Yes, It was definitely the stress of seeing my oldest difficult child in Jail and then Prison 4 to 5 yrs ago that sent me over the edge. Now, I was Bipolar all my life and didn't know it. I was manic for about 2 weeks prior to my psychotic breakdown.

Those who know me from the board say 5 yrs ago and before would probibly tell you that they can see a difference in my posts. I used to be very passionate and emotionally driven. Could write for hours on end about everything. I was very intense. The medications have definitely "dulled" my emotions.
I think for alot of creative people who get on these mood stabilizers they lose their passionate and creative side. My husband says that I am not the same "vibrant" woman he married.
It's sad that part of me...is gone, but I have tried a couple of times to go off the medication and the anxiety and depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't believe I lived most of my life like that. It is a relief to not be so intense anymore...though I know I'm not nearly as "interesting" as I used to be.
But the trade off is that I am sane now.

The doctors don't really discuss the stressors in my life. They mostly just want to know if I'm having delusional thoughts. Now, a Psychologist would likely discuss the stressors and pain involved in my life.

Anyway, I hope that kind of answers your questions.
I sometimes really miss the "old me" as I was also very OCDish and a perfectionist. I don't clean my house religiously anymore or am a fanatic about keeping finances in perfect order now. I helped my husband quite a bit years ago with our company and I don't do that now either.
It is definitely a trade off but I am relieved emotionally now.

LMS

 

[DammitJanet]

Hey Tammy...good letter, you know Im always on your side. Its gonna be just fine.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Janet...It's always nice to know your cared about.

Now, I can't send the letter cause I've misplaced his address. I wrote it down when I gave daughter in law her letter from young difficult child and now daughter in law can't find the envelope either...so NEITHER one of us can send him a letter.

I am soooooo down about young difficult child. I see pics of him around the house and it is so depressing. I am passing the time on an online Casino...no, not playing for real money, lol. tg.

husband has been hard at work for nearly 3 weeks straight now. easy child is working the night shift and so sleeps most of the day. I think I'm just lonely...young difficult child used to pop in on us at least 2 times a week. I really miss him.

My mom is making a trip to Oklahoma this Friday. I will probably tag along with her and see my aunt uncle and cousins. I've GOT to get out of this house and out of being in a nightgown and robe all day. This is rediculous.

Hey Steph...Just wanted to thank you for explaining my situation to antsmom. You REALLY are a good friend.

LMS

 

[DammitJanet]

This summer has been a hard one hasnt it tammy?