Positive update, for me at least :)

[LauraH]

Needless to say, I was and still am very angry about the nastygram text my son sent me Wednesday night. I did not hear from hit at all yesterday. He called today and I did not answer. Later this evening I called him back. He apologized for the other night (heartfelt and sincere or not, I couldn't really tell). He got his last paycheck and was able to rent the room in the AirB&B for another week so didn't have to go to the homeless shelter. He didn't ask me for anything but was (maybe) dropping hints like "I need this" or "I have to get that." I responded with total silence.

After a pause where neither of said anything, I found myself saying, in a very firm but unemotional voice "I want to tell you something. I am extremely angry over that text you sent me. You are entitled to your emotions, whether they make sense to me or not. But you are not entitled to speak to me the way you did. I would not tolerate that from my best friend or Steve (my husband) and I'm certainly not going to tolerate it from my son. For your own sake, I hope this is the last time you speak to me that way, verbally, via text, or any other way."

I think he was stunned, because all I heard was him taking a couple of deep breaths and he did not say a word. Maybe that got through to him, maybe not. But I regained a little more power over the situation, and OMG it felt good! After that we had a pleasant conversation until I had to hang up and get back to work. I am still smiling and not really sure where that loving but firm backbone came from. Maybe now he knows I mean business and he's lost most of ability to control or manipulate me or my emotions. I don't know how he will behave going forward, but I know how I will respond if he acts out.

 

[BusynMember1]

You are my hero lol.

I can't tell you how many years it took us to tell that to Kay. Years and years. In her case, she still did it, but that was because we had already shut down The Bank of Dad and Mom and she knew she had nothing to lose from us by still doing it. But if we had done it earlier maybe we would still have a relationship where we could at least talk sometimes.

I admire you. Our kids have no right to abuse us.

I hope this shocked your son enough to make a difference. in my opinion how they treat us is important. "I,'m sorry" gets very old when they only say it because they need a new favor. Trust me. I know.

Hugs to you. What you said was very brave. This is hard for us.

 

[Nomad]

Agree with Busy.

Our extraordinarily difficult , manipulative , self destructive, throw us under the bus, self defeating and recently especially abusive daughter keeps telling us she is sleeping on the floor. Yawn. We replied “Well, that’s what can happen when you make poor choices.” She shut up.

Small analagy:
And, our son who is doing very well…but at times him and his wife behave a tad entitled and … ??? whatever. He often does not respond to my texts at ALL or for three days. And I don’t text often AT ALL. Her family texts very often and she responds very often even during time at our house.

I know this is small potatoes compared to what we are talking about here. If I mentioned it..he can get snarky. Wth? This is in the past. I’ve been reborn.

Recently, I calmly told him I dont text him unless it’s important. I try hard to return most texts from close friends or family within 12 hours or sooner and all within 24 hours. If it needs to be longer…I might send a short reply and respond more fully when I have more time. But that very rarely happens anyway. I also calmly, succinctly and factually mentioned something else they are doing towards us that is somewhat inappropriate. Factor in we gladly babysit for free snd help them out in various ways. Nothing abusive in the least. All loving snd we are happy to help out in any way we can. That is a gift. We are kind and I expect that in return. We expect to be treated appropriately and with respect. Perhaps he thought with his xxx sister out of the way…he had more leeway. I don't know.

He was super quiet. And all of the above stopped that VERY moment. Mutual respect is where it’s at.

Things are more pleasant around here.

 

[in a daze]

It’s so empowering when you set boundaries, isn’t it?

 

[RN0441]

LauraH

I believe in divine intervention, I really do.

At times things would come out of me that impressed the hell out of me!! I don't think it came from me but through me.

I was so happy and grateful to know that I was not handling this alone.

 

[Acacia]

I'm working on mustering up the courage that you have, Laura. Thanks for setting an example. You have no control of the outcome, but it matters that you stood up for yourself.

 

[momshope]

Needless to say, I was and still am very angry about the nastygram text my son sent me Wednesday night. I did not hear from hit at all yesterday. He called today and I did not answer. Later this evening I called him back. He apologized for the other night (heartfelt and sincere or not, I couldn't really tell). He got his last paycheck and was able to rent the room in the AirB&B for another week so didn't have to go to the homeless shelter. He didn't ask me for anything but was (maybe) dropping hints like "I need this" or "I have to get that." I responded with total silence.

After a pause where neither of said anything, I found myself saying, in a very firm but unemotional voice "I want to tell you something. I am extremely angry over that text you sent me. You are entitled to your emotions, whether they make sense to me or not. But you are not entitled to speak to me the way you did. I would not tolerate that from my best friend or Steve (my husband) and I'm certainly not going to tolerate it from my son. For your own sake, I hope this is the last time you speak to me that way, verbally, via text, or any other way."

I think he was stunned, because all I heard was him taking a couple of deep breaths and he did not say a word. Maybe that got through to him, maybe not. But I regained a little more power over the situation, and OMG it felt good! After that we had a pleasant conversation until I had to hang up and get back to work. I am still smiling and not really sure where that loving but firm backbone came from. Maybe now he knows I mean business and he's lost most of ability to control or manipulate me or my emotions. I don't know how he will behave going forward, but I know how I will respond if he acts out.

SO glad for you! Perfectly set boundaries are positive for BOTH sides! It leads to better communication if respected. Well done, so well done, Laura!!! Take back the power, it feels authentic and correct when given with love for self and child.