possible relapse

[Lil]

I wish there a way to do this without son knowing. The only solution to this would be for him to change his Google + password. For that to happen, I'd have to fess up to him on what I've been doing. Looking at his searches. He'd be very angry at me. So, that temptation remains with no real way to make it so I CAN NOT look. I will have to do this myself, I guess. And, control the urge. You are right. It IS invasive. I want him to have boundaries, but I have none.

You know, I had a terrible time with the GPS on my son's phone. We got it on there originally so we could find him when he was young. By the time he was 17 or so, the fact we could GPS him REALLY upset him. But I couldn't help looking whenever he was out. I even did it when he was away at college. When he was homeless...I finally dropped the app off my phone completely so I couldn't access it. Jabber kept it on his for a while, but I couldn't because I couldn't not look to see where my adult son, who had every right to go where he pleased, was.

It was like a weight lifted off me. I didn't know where he was and that way okay - because I wasn't supposed to know where he was.

You don't have to say, "I saw all your searches and knew you had relapsed before you told me. I've been snooping for ages" You could say, "I know I shouldn't have, but the other day I decided to see if I still know your Google password. I do. I can see everything if I log in. Did you know that? I think you should change your password, it's really old and not secure and I really shouldn't be able to snoop in case I get the urge to do it. I'm your mom and I get nosey and I don't want to do that to you, you're an adult."

Then he knows you know, and you don't want to know.

If that makes sense.

 

[InsaneCdn]

First of all, my posts weren't anti religious at all. More political than anything else.

There are really only two HIGHLY sensitive topics on the boards - and one is religion and the other is politics.

It's a basic operating principle of the board that we don't discuss these topics. Sometimes, something slips in, but not often.

 

[BusynMember]

Yep, we dont bash anyones religious beliefs or go into detail about our political opinions. Plenty of forums for that, but this one...nope.

 

[rebelson]

I am way less angry than I once was with my son.

This is what I need more of. Anger. Why am I not more of this? My whole life, it seems that it takes much to REALLY anger me. It happens in steps, very sloooooow steps. But, then...bam! I'm done or very near done. In the meantime, I end up being ppl's door mat. You'd think I'd catch on quicker. When they begin walking toward me with their shoes full o' mud.

But, seriously. Even if I were more mad, he is being much sweeter, nicer, humbler through this all. Not perfect, but 75% improved. So, being mad would not feel right, at this time. He called me last night while were outside doing fireworks, just to check in quickly. Once he found out we were doing fireworks, he said 'I'll let you go do that...I was just checking in....have fun and be safe....I love you." I love this sober change in him. I feel like the sweetness makes it harder for me to 'get mad' which is where I need to be. Or not. I am so confused. Like UpandDown's name, I feel up (strong) one minute and down (weak) the next.

It is like a big deep hole opens up for them, when we step away. The abyss. Their choices come to have more importance, when we cease to take responsibility. They have the chance to step up.

Yes.

If you stop dancing, rebelson, you will be free. And you will allow your son the possibility of this freedom, too.

I so want this. Freedom. It sounds wonderful. Yet elusive.

While it is easy to judge, I do not think those of us here are doing so, in the main.

I don't think anybody is. I'm on here for the reality checks that others have to share. I've obtained immense help from you moms!

What would it take, for you to tell your son that you choose to bow out of access to his facebook, etc. That you need that--and is there some other way that the two of you can stay connected--if he chooses that, and you too?

It is not FB. It is his Google 'searches'. Like if you wanted to research buying a hammock or tent to go camping. You'd go to Google and type in the search box something like: 'hammocks for camping'. I can see what he types in to HIS particular search box. Because his email address is a Google one and it logs you in to both email and Google search account. HTH.

What would you need to know or do--for you to do that for yourself, and for him? Or do you feel that it continues to make sense for each of you, that you have this access?

Well, good question. Here's my basic answer. I think I have PTSD from that 2 day period last year when after he got fired, I knew he was spiraling down, he was not handling it well. Then, out of the blue one day...I could not reach him, for 2 days. Phone began going right to VM. I knew something was amiss. That 2 days was a living hell for me. It ended in him having had a serious accident where he could easily have died or been paralyzed. Now, each time I cannot reach him or his phone goes right to VM, I begin to panic. It's like that whole feeling I had back then, comes back to me in a fear-filled adrenaline rush. So, looking at his searches somehow gives me insight in to his frame of mind. That can be good. Or bad, as happened last week with the breathalyzer and liquor store entries.

If I do not have his searches, and I cannot reach him, I do the O C D checking by calling the 3 local hospitals to rule out his name. Doing this seems to give me some peace, knowing that his name is not on hospital inpatient lists. But, even that peaceful feeling after doing the task of the 3 calls, wears off later that night or the next morning and I again feel the urge to check, call the hospitals all over again. "Because maybe in the past 8, 12 hrs since my last checking, something happened to him." My husband gets so upset at me! OMG, just re-reading this after writing it, I sound like a looney toon, a nut!!!

his coping tool box is low.

My coping box is close to empty, apparently!

Seriously, you seem like such a good person. Your health matters as much as your sons.

I try to be a good person. And, my husband worries about me being stressed, a lot!

My concern for you is that having the information seems to cause you more anxiety and pain than not having it. I guess there is something in the saying, "Ignorance is bliss."

Yes, ditto! But there's that other side to it, too that I explained above in my last quote from Copa ^^^.

because I wasn't supposed to know where he was.

Exactly.

 

[rebelson]

As I re-read my post here and all that I am doing that is counter-productive for myself and son, here is the real, underlying fear that I have. It could've very well happened with that accident he had last year. But, thankfully it didn't.
I am fearful that he will die from addiction, if he doesn't stop.
Therein lies ALL of my fear. And checking. And obsessing.

 

[Kathy813]

I am fearful that he will die from addiction, if he doesn't stop.

That is a fear each and every one of us has. I think at some point you have to come to grips with the fear and realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do to keep it from happening.

I know that sounds horrible but at the same time it helps you let go and let God.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Rebelson that is the fear I have for my son as well.

He almost died and still doesn't seem to get it. He has another week of limited contact but after that we'll see how he acts. If he isn't in it with both feet I will have very little contact with him. I get too close to him and I get burned. I have (self-diagnosed but I'm sure it's it) IBS from him already and feel like I'll get cancer someday from all the stress I've had to endure. We all know it does not manifest itself well and it's hard on our bodies. We are so close but this addiction has just made it impossible for me to continue this for MYSELF.

I hope that your therapist can help you deal with all of this so you can be whole for yourself and your younger children.

 

[rebelson]

Well I just finished my much needed therapy session.

It was awful. Just awful.

The male counselor was quite strange.

He asked me some odd questions that were none of his business and completely not pertinent to why I was there.

He paused a lot and there was a lot of uncomfortable silence on his side.

He had no real advice to reign in my O C D, in fact he barely talked about it. Even though I told him that was the main reason I was there.

Honestly I could've gone to the mall, picked a 16 yo girl and asked her for help. She probably would've given me better advice. [emoji45]

To end it all, he did not know where the debit machine was so that I could pay for the visit. He wanted me to write down my credit card information! NO way.

I told him not to worry, that I would call the receptionist in the morning and ask her how to pay.

Oh.my.gosh

I just want to cry.

I SO wanted to ask him for the paper packet back that I had all put my information on. Details.

I pretended all was good and I pushed through the meeting. I did not want to leave on an uncomfortable note. But every minute seemed like 10.

I cannot do this again with someone else.

The last lady I went to 5 or so months ago was awful as well. I had to tell her the same things over each visit. I guess she did not take good notes. After 4 sessions with her I gave up.

I can't do this again with someone else. I'm so upset. [emoji30][emoji25]

 

[Kathy813]

I am so sorry that it did not go well. My family has gone through our share of bad psychiatrists and counselors.

I found my therapist through the NAMI classes that my husband and I were attending. A therapist that specialized in Borderline (BPD) and addiction came to speak to the NAMI class as a guest lecturer and the group was very impressed. Then another member of the class started going to that therapist and liked her so I called to make an appointment only to find that she only worked mornings which wouldn't work for me. The receptionist suggested another therapist in the same group and we immediately clicked.

Don't give up. Call your local NAMI group and ask for suggestions for therapists that specialize in addiction and co-dependent family dynamics. Or attend an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting and ask people there if any of them can recommend a therapist. Another possibility is to reach out to online Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) groups to see if anyone can recommend someone in your area.

It takes time finding the right therapist but you will know immediately if you feel comfortable with that person.

 

[rebelson]

It is so hard to begin with because I need to see someone who takes my insurance. [emoji29]

The receptionist for this counseling group said "oh I think he'll be perfect for you!", when I told her I needed someone with experience in addiction. Really? He was awful. Awful awful awful.

Did I say awful?

I will try NAMI though.

This is so discouraging in the meantime. It looks like I might have to do this myself.[emoji17]

Which is scary.

 

[BusynMember]

rebelson, I dont like male therapists, although I like men very much socially, maybe more than many women. But I feel they don't understand how women think and about our emotions and our hormones all working together. I only see female therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists.

Maybe that could help? in the end, a good fit is a good fit and a bad fit is, well, not helpful.

NAMI is a good resource.

I wish you luck. I hate how youre hurting.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

If you check the NAMI website there may be a support group for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in your area.

It might help some until you can find a therapist.

 

[Copabanana]

Rebelson. This post is showing up not having posted. I am posting it again, just in case. If it is repetitive sorry. (See below)

There are not as I thought books on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Somatic Therapy, one of which SWOT refers to on your other thread which is EMDR. EMDR is with a therapist, but there is a lot of work being done now on how our we as humans have inbuilt ways to deal with and let go of trauma that do not rely on talk therapy but on bilateral movement.

Two gurus in this field are the psychiatriast, Van Der Kolk, the body keeps the score The other guru is Peter Levine, a psychologist. See, In an unspoken voice: how the body releases trauma and restores goodness. Another book, which I have on my night table but have not yet read is by Levine and it has Tiger in the title. I think just one of these books would introduce you to the perspective. You could go to Amazon and read the reviews to get an idea.

Another perspective entirely is represented by the mindfulness workbookwhich uses a cognitive behavioral perspective for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

The somatic perspective does not involve much thinking--it is more about discharge and release. I think you would find it interesting, even just reading the reviews of Van der Kolk and Peter Levine's work. Again, these books by them do not deal with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) specifically, but trauma generally. Which would apply to each of us.

This is a duplicate I think of what I may have posted somewhere else:

It is so hard to begin with because I need to see someone who takes my insurance

For now, rebelson, what about Al Anon? I think the people you will find in those groups may be what you need right now, and many will have suffered in the same wa as you.

I have (self-diagnosed but I'm sure it's it) IBS

Well, me, too. Mine was diagnosed, but in the end (no pun intended) I ended up popping prilosec like candy with constant stomach cramps and BLACK VOMIT. I was afraid to even go for the endoscopy. I think I have holes in my intestines now.

I mean, the suffering we endure.

rebelson, I am not anti-therapist but there are ways that until you find the right therapist, you can find other ways to find support and relief. Like pastoral counselors, or Al Anon, like I mentioned. Prayer. Artwork. Journals. Exercise. There is also a 12 step group called Obsessive Compulsive Anonymous that may or may not be in your area. There are certain activities that you can do alone that involve bi

 

[mof]

I think that your thought process is good. I'm no expert, but aside from knowing that once you start you won't stop, checking his searches doesn't make you feel better. So it sounds like what you are doing is a good thing to me.

The thing with recovery is that, I think, most addicts deal with anxiety in recovery. These are people who are used to dealing with the world only on their own terms, numbed out. I would think that it would be an incredibly scary thing to actually feel things, especially uncomfortable things, when you are so used to being tranquilized.

I guess the question is whether, or not, this is a part of recovery that he has to work through, or whether it is something underlying.

I'm glad you are staying strong. Is there anything that you can do to distract yourself from these thoughts and temptations?

 

[mof]

Rebel..

My son in recovery is on medications for anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and depression. They have to take their own medications. I crave communication but he does not normally initiate, be happy your son does.

My son breaks rules all the time, but works the steps, has stayed s sober, and is at mtg with s sponsor.

He is always in trouble for missing meditation....He can't get his butt up in am. He was thrown out of last sober house for over sleeping..no lie. He is at a better one now, but still does it. Why does he do this?

So far he has kept a very part time Kobe, but I cry e everyday...can't seem to separate myself.

I have two other great children who don't understand why he can't come home....I hate this.

Praying for your peace....M

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

This is what I need more of. Anger. Why am I not more of this? My whole life, it seems that it takes much to REALLY anger me. It happens in steps, very sloooooow steps. But, then...bam! I'm done or very near done. In the meantime, I end up being ppl's door mat. You'd think I'd catch on quicker. When they begin walking toward me with their shoes full o' mud.

But, seriously. Even if I were more mad, he is being much sweeter, nicer, humbler through this all. Not perfect, but 75% improved. So, being mad would not feel right, at this time. He called me last night while were outside doing fireworks, just to check in quickly. Once he found out we were doing fireworks, he said 'I'll let you go do that...I was just checking in....have fun and be safe....I love you." I love this sober change in him. I feel like the sweetness makes it harder for me to 'get mad' which is where I need to be. Or not. I am so confused. Like UpandDown's name, I feel up (strong) one minute and down (weak) the next.

Yes.

I so want this. Freedom. It sounds wonderful. Yet elusive.

I don't think anybody is. I'm on here for the reality checks that others have to share. I've obtained immense help from you moms!

It is not FB. It is his Google 'searches'. Like if you wanted to research buying a hammock or tent to go camping. You'd go to Google and type in the search box something like: 'hammocks for camping'. I can see what he types in to HIS particular search box. Because his email address is a Google one and it logs you in to both email and Google search account. HTH.

Well, good question. Here's my basic answer. I think I have PTSD from that 2 day period last year when after he got fired, I knew he was spiraling down, he was not handling it well. Then, out of the blue one day...I could not reach him, for 2 days. Phone began going right to VM. I knew something was amiss. That 2 days was a living hell for me. It ended in him having had a serious accident where he could easily have died or been paralyzed. Now, each time I cannot reach him or his phone goes right to VM, I begin to panic. It's like that whole feeling I had back then, comes back to me in a fear-filled adrenaline rush. So, looking at his searches somehow gives me insight in to his frame of mind. That can be good. Or bad, as happened last week with the breathalyzer and liquor store entries.

If I do not have his searches, and I cannot reach him, I do the O C D checking by calling the 3 local hospitals to rule out his name. Doing this seems to give me some peace, knowing that his name is not on hospital inpatient lists. But, even that peaceful feeling after doing the task of the 3 calls, wears off later that night or the next morning and I again feel the urge to check, call the hospitals all over again. "Because maybe in the past 8, 12 hrs since my last checking, something happened to him." My husband gets so upset at me! OMG, just re-reading this after writing it, I sound like a looney toon, a nut!!!

My coping box is close to empty, apparently!

I try to be a good person. And, my husband worries about me being stressed, a lot!

Yes, ditto! But there's that other side to it, too that I explained above in my last quote from Copa ^^^.

Exactly.

All addicts are the sweetest, most likable person on the planet. When they want something. You don't have to respond negatively to it, just keep it in your mind. Like any good serial killer, we are masters at warming our way into others' good graces, and getting them to lower their guard. Not saying you need to respond negatively when he is being so positive, but it is something to keep in the back of your mind. No con is too long for an addict. I would almost subconsciously begin laying the seeds for a con that I didn't expect a return on for weeks after the fact. Addicts would make GREAT chess players.

 

[mof]

My son relapsed with pot last night...We have to go get him from sober living then he can return after a week if he seems remorseful. He will need more outpatient....I almost agreed on a shelter except for his mental illness, he is headed right for prison at this rate.....I don't know what to think.

In Nov he has court, thought he could get off on fines but now won't have letter stating how well he's doing in sober living, just all his residential and stuff. He only made it 6 mos.....His father is sick and I'm numb, embarrassed, and even more shameful.

I hate him more and more for what he's putting our family through.

 

[RN0441]

My son relapsed with pot last night...We have to go get him from sober living then he can return after a week if he seems remorseful. He will need more outpatient....I almost agreed on a shelter except for his mental illness, he is headed right for prison at this rate.....I don't know what to think.

In Nov he has court, thought he could get off on fines but now won't have letter stating how well he's doing in sober living, just all his residential and stuff. He only made it 6 mos.....His father is sick and I'm numb, embarrassed, and even more shameful.

I hate him more and more for what he's putting our family through.

I am so sorry for you. As you may have read my son overdosed on Father's Day and almost died after over 4 months clean. He was never really in recovery though and was trying to take a shortcut. He is back in rehab and he is ing up a storm. He is far away from us in Florida and that is the only thing keeping me sane right now. If you pray, then pray because that's what I do. Pray and beg. So far nothing. Try to take care of yourself and other family members. You can't do it alone. None of us can.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

My son relapsed with pot last night...We have to go get him from sober living then he can return after a week if he seems remorseful. He will need more outpatient....I almost agreed on a shelter except for his mental illness, he is headed right for prison at this rate.....I don't know what to think.

In Nov he has court, thought he could get off on fines but now won't have letter stating how well he's doing in sober living, just all his residential and stuff. He only made it 6 mos.....His father is sick and I'm numb, embarrassed, and even more shameful.

I hate him more and more for what he's putting our family through.

A bit contradictory. You say he works the steps, but constantly breaks the rules. He cannot be doing both at the same time. That's like saying that he is awake, but unconscious. If he has truly shown humility, and surrendered himself entirely, there would not be broken rules of even the most mundane type.

 

[mof]

His rule breaking is getting up late, etc. The owner says he was doing well, he's so broken mentally...that sane kid is in there. I just don't know if he can have respect for himself enough to move on to total healing.