Pot and Alcohol

[vanessablock]

My 18 year old sons' dad and I have been divorced since he was 5. We discovered our son was using pot when we started smelling it in our home. We then began searching and found at his dad's a bong, crusher and a paper towel roll with coffee grounds. A method of disguising the smell I have found. Dad and I who have never got along confronted him and did a drug test. He only tested positive for pot. We all went to a therapist. Shortly thereafter at my house my husband smelled pot during the night. He confronted him. Son denied it. The next day he left and didn't come home that night. He had previously ruined a phone in a kayak (it was in his pocket). I had got him a new one. His car was in the shop because the motor was blown. He was driving his dad's truck. The next day a strange car pulled up in our driveway and his phone was pitched out. We found his dad's truck at a meeting point for him and his girlfriend. Dad took the truck home. So he was without phone or transportation now. Upon reading the messages on the phone, we found he planned to live with a friend and friend's girlfriend for 150.00/month. Son had a job delivering pizzas. He tried to get a loan for a car but was unable because he had no credit. On talking to his girlfriend, he regretted not packing more clothes, deodarant, he was about out of weed. He ended up calling me and wanting to meet with me and Dad. He has been having full blown panic attacks. As this was our first dealings with this we were thankful when he did come home with me. Things went well for about 2 weeks. No more pot findings, no smells. He refused to go to therapy. Then he came home drunk. I heard him arguing at his girlfriend. He was saying, "Get the F.. out of my car," so I intervened. According to girlfriend, he had been drinking with friends and when she wouldn't let him drive home he became angry at her. It was obvious he was impaired. I tried to get him to just come inside. When I asked if he was high, he became angry and said he was leaving. I told him the car was in my name and he absolutely would not. So he took off walking. Through the woods barefoot in neck high weeds. He was still gone the next morning. We looked for him on fourwheeler and drove the roads. I finally had to call the police to find him the next day. Police brought him home. He had walked over 5 miles barefoot without phone, money or a plan. His Dad was there by that time and did very little in the way of getting angry. He wanted to go to school and he did. Shortly thereafter called and wanted to go to the hospital, with chest pain, migraine and pain in his side. We did go. Five hours later, the hospital discharged him. Pretty much gave him fluid. He did test positive for Pot. I told him he had caused alot of grief. I said if we have one more incident you either go to therapy or you can't live here. He said he would go stay with Dad. I told him he could but his car would stay here and his dad could put him on his insurance. I worked the next day. The Friday before mother's day. When I got home, he had moved in with Dad. I had got him a tux for the prom, which was Saturday, paid for the flowers, and girlfriend's ticket. He wouldn't come by to see me with girlfriend before prom and didn't even take their flowers. He barely speaks to me through text. His dad is not near as concerned as I am and thinks he is just being a teenager. He is now working with his Dad, (Dad is a contractor). He drives one of his trucks. (But Dad drives it some too.) Son told me he loved me and did not blame me. But refuses to go to therapy. Now son barely speaks to me. I do pay his phone bill. Have considered cutting that back but don't want to lose all communication.

So sorry to read your story. We are in a very similar situation like a lot of parents. I feel hopeless sometimes but I do my best to protect my son. He is now 18 and will have to face responsibilities for his own behavior.
I did my mom's above and beyond job with him. He started being in trouble since he turned 12 years old basically. He always had a difficult personality. His father and I are divorced since he is 5 but I got remarried a few years after.
He didn't have a good relationship with his dad and left his house as soon as he turned 13 to live with me full time.
His step dad and I took care of him since.
One day the principal of the middle school called to tell me about a post on Social media concerning my son and drugs. They searched his locker but didn't find anything. He was only 12. Shorty after I found pot in his room. I just threw it away. He wanted to call the cleaning lady I remember. He didn't know it was me who found it.
I didn't want to confront him yet but told him that if we ever found drugs in our home he will lose his beloved phone and all his privileges. I did the same to motivate him to get better grades. And it worked!
He signed up for water polo with his younger brother and played through junior varsity.
The only time he got in trouble was with his friends skating in the neighborhood too late at night. My fault...I allowed sleep overs.
Then he turned 16 and wanted a car. I told him the only way to get a car is to work.
He got a job and I opened a bank account under his name linked to mine. That way I monitored every transactions on his account. I helped him with the car down payment and the assurance. He also got a second part time job to pay for gas.
I got him a credit card as an authorized user to pay for all the mistakes he made. Trashing the house with friends while we were away, parking tickets,towing company,car accidents broken phones,etc..
He paid everything back.(I am his personal secretary)
I did not allow him to get cash after I found some weird smelly liquid and marijuana in his car as I suspected he was getting drugs that way.
I made sure to keep his car spears key with me. I also checked for drugs in his car regularly.
Of course he stopped playing waterpolo and did gain a lot of weight. I found out later that some substance abuse can make you crave for sugar.
He managed to keep some decent grades but not good enough for college. I had to pay a fortune for him to get some help at a college tutoring program. This was the best investment I made with my son so far.
He was accepted to all the colleges he applied to and can go to the college of his choice now.
Now that we paid for a tuxedo and prom, grad nite etc... and that we assume he is going to take care his loan for college we hope for the best.
I know it's not over. He still lies. He still smokes and drinks. He can't wake up in the morning. He is messy and desorganized.
I pray that one day he will realize that drinking and smoking is irresponsible and dangerous.
When he goes to college soon I will be paying for his phone so I know where he is at all time (with the find my phone app).
I just hope that he will not get into trouble while driving until then. (No need to drive in college)
I also worry about him doing more drugs and more drinking in the future. There is nothing else I can do at this point. He thinks he is doing fine.
He will have to learn the hard way...
I realize I gave my son too much freedom thinking he will be a wise and grateful son.
I made a big mistake. He was not ready to be independent.
When it's Mother's Day I don't expect anything like a card or flowers or even a thank you for everything I do. I can only be desappointed.
Thank god for my youngest son. He is so much better too deal with. I couldn't handle a second headache!

 

[Billiesue]

Vanessa, Sounds like you are a really good mother. I think it is great he bought his own car. My parents bought all their 4 grandsons a vehicle. Not a new one but one that was safe and that they wouldn't be ashamed of. I think I raised my sons like I was raised. My parents didn't expect a lot out of me and gave me all they could. They were far from well off. Same with me. But I never had these problems. My husband has always required much more of his children, my stepdaughters, than I ever did. They are great girls. I guilt myself a lot over it. But my younger son doesn't have these issues. The statement you made, "I gave my son too much freedom thinking he will be a wise and grateful son, " hits home. He is not grateful it seems. He is angry I have taken it away. I have always made my children a priority in my life. I feel like their Dad is probably thrilled he is doing me this way. Because my younger son stopped seeing him for 3 years. But this is totally different reasons. My younger son would call me upset when he was 11 or 12. Their Dad was angry when they didn't want to spend more time over there and wouldn't tell his lawyer they did. He told my younger son to quit being a "mama's boy." Their Dad just says to me, "What were you doing when you were 18?" I assured him it was nothing like what our older child has been doing. Then he wanted to know if I would give him the graduation invitations I had ordered so that our kid could get money to go to the beach. I said, " You really want him to go to the beach with this going on?" I just don't understand his way of thinking. Most of what was found was at Dad's because his room was always so messy over there. But again, I am guilty of cleaning my kids room. He found bottles of what we think was synthetic urine in his room. Unbelievably and I am ashamed to say his explanation for that was, " At night if I don't want to have to get up to go to the bathroom, I just pee in a bottle." Really?? I can assure you he wasn't raised that way. Of course I told him that was total BS. Anyway, I assume the worse because I feel like if he was doing well, he would come home and ask for a drug test to prove his innocence to get his car back. SWOT gives great advice and says not to dwell on him and his choices. I am having a hard time doing this. It is the first thing I think of when I wake up. Today has been a hard day and I'm sorry for the rant, but seems to be constantly on my mind today. Thanks for listening or reading. I appreciate your reply.