Pregnant again

[DoneDad]

Backstory - difficult daughter, 27, been using drugs and having a succession of loser boyfriends since she was 18. We have guardianship of her 3 year old son, but it is a physical, emotional, and financial struggle. We have guardianship because baby daddy was in jail at the time and she had a new boyfriend and couldn't be bothered with GS. So we ended up watching him and bonded with him.

Now she's pregnant again (another guy, not old baby daddy or other boyfriend she had (last we heard he was in state hospital for the criminally insane, no joke). This guy is another loser, has 3 other kids he doesn't support.

daughter has no plan on how she's going to raise a baby, she has a part time minimum wage job and rents a room in a friend's house. Actually, I think her plan is she'll move in with us and we'll raise the kid while she does whatever she wants (what she did with the first one).

I am adamant that we cannot raise another one of her kids. Wife says she's on board, BUT if she needs something wants to be there for her.

I can picture how this will play out. Baby daddy will be gone by delivery date. She'll show up at our door 9 months pregnant or with an infant. Then what do we do?

Raising 2 kids is not even an option. Wife's health is bad.

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh Done dad. It is so difficult when the innocent ones are in the line of fire.
One GC to raise is more than enough and clearly she is not grateful.
Can you suggest she sign over parental rights and you can put the baby up for addoption?
My DS is 17 has a loser girlfriend not on birth control. It may be cruel to say but I think she is so anorexic she may not be able to get pregnant but who knows. It would be my worst night mare and you are living in x 2

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh Done dad. It is so difficult when the innocent ones are in the line of fire.
One GC to raise is more than enough and clearly she is not grateful.
Can you suggest she sign over parental rights and you can put the baby up for addoption?
My DS is 17 has a loser girlfriend not on birth control. It may be cruel to say but I think she is so anorexic she may not be able to get pregnant but who knows. It would be my worst night mare and you are living in x 2

Ok so one of my worst nightmares. I am discovering I have many.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh DoneDad, I'm so sorry. You just described what I used to lose sleep over.....another grand baby coming along that I would have to fight for and raise. What a nightmare for you. I remember when you were going thru this about your little grandson.....

This may not be a popular choice, but is it possible for her to have an abortion at this stage? Can you talk her into that? I'm sorry if I am stepping on sensitive ground here...I don't want to start a dialogue about abortion, just throwing out options....just the first thought that came to mind. Would she be willing to give the baby up for adoption? And if so, perhaps she could get that underway NOW. My second thought is to let her know under no circumstances will you be raising her child nor will you be supporting her.......I used to believe (gratefully I was not put to this test) that if another child came along I would refuse to have any connection at all with the child.....it was my fantasy anyway.....because I knew in my heart that if I met that child, I would want that child to be taken care of and of course, as you know, the only one left standing is me.....or you.....

I think right now you have to be proactive and state your case to her. If you are not going to allow her to stay with you, and you are not going to support she and the child, then perhaps if you communicate that directly at this point, you may have some impact on her choice to have another child.

I'm so sorry DoneDad, I empathize with you in a big way......I can't imagine how hard this is for you......at our age, raising kids is so very challenging on so many fronts. I wish I could say or do something more for you......my heart goes out to you and your wife....

 

[pigless in VA]

DoneDad, I have a friend who had to do this. Her grown son had two small children, and he and his girlfriend could not support them. My friend insisted that he put them up for adoption. She told him that she would not raise her grandchildren. She couldn't do it.

I think if you and your wife are already overly burdened with one grandson, then you collectively put your feet down.

 

[DoneDad]

This is the nightmare scenario. I've sort of been in shock the last couple of days since I found out. As far as abortion, she says she doesn't want to do that (she's done it before, I think it's more that baby daddy doesn't want it, or adoption). Adoption sounds like the best option. But she'll have to make that decision. And baby daddy might have to agree if he's still in the picture.

We're just going to have to make our position crystal clear. My fantasy is not having anything to do with baby. Wife says she wants to be involved as a grandmother (what does that even mean in this situation?).

What I see happening is like the frog in the pot of hot water. If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he'll jump out. But if you put the frog in a pot of cold water and slowly raise the temperature, he won't jump out. He gets used to it. So we'll let her move back in to help her out, we'll watch the kid occasionally, she'll be gone more and more, and then we're raising another kid.

Thanks for the replies!

 

[recoveringenabler]

What I see happening is like the frog in the pot of hot water. If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, he'll jump out. But if you put the frog in a pot of cold water and slowly raise the temperature, he won't jump out. He gets used to it. So we'll let her move back in to help her out, we'll watch the kid occasionally, she'll be gone more and more, and then we're raising another kid.

Oh boy, that makes it crystal clear. Do WHATEVER you need to do to avoid that fate DoneDad......that is also likely the scenario your daughter is imagining. I know before my limited connection with my daughter occurred, her default position was always that I step in and work it all out. Perhaps you can talk to an attorney and find out if there are any legal avenues for you to pursue to protect you. I have no idea if that is feasible, but geez, explore every single avenue...one day these children will be teenagers and you will be in your 70's if not 80's....I would be in shock too......Gosh I'm sorry.

 

[RN0441]

So sorry that beautiful and innocent children have to be born into the nightmare of addiction.

Prayers.

 

[Acacia]

Done Dad, how I can relate. I am glad you have the support of the forum here. The experience and strength of the members is invaluable. I am on almost a parallel path in some ways. My 37 year old borderline daughter, whom I have written about here, has a six year old with her ex, who is a heroin addict and abuser, and she just had another baby with an alcoholic, abuser with 3 other children by two women. She has always wanted her children, briefly lost custody of the oldest, but insists on doing things her way, and then guilts us to rescue her. We have taken her in, bought her cars, paid for housing, court, etc. Her gratitude is always only momentary. The relationship with the latest abuser is over, she was evicted, and despite how hard it has been, we did not take her in. We offered to take her daughter until she sorts things out, but she said her daughter would rather be on the street than with us. It is heartbreaking, but I can't do it anymore. Enough. I actually left the country for a couple of weeks, so I would not cave, and my husband, her stepdad, has taken over communication with her for now because she bullies me. The thing is, like you, we want to help her and her children, but we know it will be the same story all over again. We are in our sixties, and the stress is too much. The money we spend on her should be going to our retirement. I go to NAMI, twelve step, therapy, read and post here, read, and have a good support network. No judgment. You have to do what you can live with, but for my husband and me, our realization is that we deserve to be treated respectfully and have the life we have worked for. Because of our choice, my daughter has cut contact, so I do not see my grandchildren. I pray for her, for her children, and for us. I am not her higher power. As much as my heart hurts, I can't control the situation. With acceptance of that comes grief and sadness, but also a certain relief in lettng go.

 

[pasajes4]

Have her contact the United Way 211 or 311 # or whatever other help lines you have in your area. There is usually a great deal of help from social services for single pregnant mothers. If she is a drug addict, there is even more help available. Do not buy her story that there is no help for her. Catholic Charities and other religious organizations love to help pregnant women.

The point is that there is absolutely no reason to ever feel guilted into doing more than you are willing to do or that you can do. I understand that this is your grandchild, but it needs to be her responsibility. A line from the movie Baby Daddy when one of the charecters found himself handing over money that was being used to support the mama's habits stated " That's a baby.....not a paycheck".

 

[recoveringenabler]

DoneDad, have you connected with NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness)? You can contact them online and they have chapters in many cities. NAMI is an organization that may provide support, guidance, information and solace for you and your wife. Your daughter has "issues" and NAMI's parent courses are excellent resources for us. They may have information for you in regard to this exact situation you find yourself in, for both you and your daughter. May be worth a phone call.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's beyond any of us how these difficult adult children do not give a thought about the consequences of having children. It seams so simple as I type it, if you cannot take care of yourself you will not be able to take care of a baby. Yes, seams simple but not for our difficult adult children.
It would be best if she would put the baby up for adoption.

All you really can do is stress to her that you will not be taking care of and raising another one of her children. I would also make it clear to her that she cannot show up on your doorstep expecting you to help her. Be honest with her. Let her know how hard this would be on your wife's health.

My heart goes out to you and your wife as you traverse this situation.

 

[Kathy813]

Your daughter is only 27. This will probably not be the last child. You need to draw the line here. We had a beloved member here for years that ended up raising her two grandsons and finally said no when her daughter had a third child.

She loved those boys but they were not easy children to raise. Instead of enjoying retirement, she was dealing with teenagers. One had special needs and the other one had addiction issues.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this nightmare. It is time to think about you and your wife.

{{{hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[DoneDad]

Your daughter is only 27. This will probably not be the last child. You need to draw the line here.

This is exactly right. daughter has no plan on how she's going to deal with this other than forcing a crisis on us. I'm 100% committed to not enabling her through this situation (so she can go out and do it again). Wife says yea, BUT ... At some point, you have to jump off the crazy train by yourself if everybody else wants to stay on it.

 

[BusynMember]

And this baby wont be her last if babies gain her favors. I agree with getting off alone, if necessary.

 

[DoneDad]

We're on vacation for a week so I'm not going to think about any of this.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Enjoy your vacation DoneDad.......you deserve it!
(You can always pick up all the angst when you get home!)