Beta, I used to catastrophize every horrible scenario where my son was concerned. Everything from him lying dead in a ditch to the other end, him killing someone and everything in between. I would lay in bed at night wondering and worrying only to face the next day exhausted because I could not find restful, peaceful sleep. What got me past this was to really accept that yes, the most horrible thing I could imagine could happen. I then began a grieving process. I grieved for the son I used to have, I grieved for all the hopes and dreams I had for him. I grieved that he could die and I may never know about it.
It was through the acceptance that I was finally able to let go. I am a cancer survivor and I know how bad stress is for the body. I knew that I could no longer continue the way I was. I was merely existing not living. I had stopped doing anything that would bring me joy. Every fiber of my being was consumed with my son and the "what ifs" I knew I needed to take my life back and start living for myself.
My son will be 37 in January. I've been dealing with his chaos for close to 25 years. He has survived being homeless for years. He has survived being in prison several times. He has continued to blame me and my husband for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He has berated me for my faith in such an ugly way I went no contact with him for close to a year.
(he was recently released from prison for assault with a knife - he is attending AA and living in a half way house - he admits he has a problem with alcohol that has caused him problems) He has told me things I have longed to hear but he has told me these things before. I have guarded hope for him as I've been down this road too many times with him. Of course I hope he is sincere but I will not hold my breath. I will not pin my hope on it. I've told others here that if my son could manage to hold his life together for 3 years in a row I would actually start to believe that he's changing.
Bottom line, life is too short to spend it worrying and wondering about things that we have zero control over. I'm not getting any younger and I do not want to look in the rear view mirror years down the road and think "I wasted my life with worry"
