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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 751092" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Beta:</p><p></p><p>I believe you are minimizing this situation and it is dangerous to you, to your son, and to others.I recognize that your sister has a background in psychology. I worked 30 years in psychiatry largely with people in prison with severe mental illness. Even with this background I would not assume that I had the wherewithal to deal with Josh in my home or to objectively understand and to evaluate the risk level so as to keep myself safe. I would only be able to make objective, good decisions and manage the situation if I had the backup of a secure facility and trained staff, or at least a professional relationship where I had no other responsibility except to the well-being of my patient and the community.</p><p></p><p>To put your sister in the situation of endowing her with the responsibility to evaluate Josh's potential to harm is to force her to play Russian Roulette with her own life, with Josh's and with your own. If she believes she has the capacity to do all of this she is wrong. No single person does. Not in their private life and in their own home. Certainly, I do not have that capacity.</p><p>That this police officer was wrong, irresponsible or lazy has absolutely no bearing on the rightness of what he did. Rest assured. No responsible police office or crisis worker could or would ignore or minimize what Josh has done. You have it in writing. Any police officer or mental health professional who ignored this would be in deep trouble. I urge you to not use this irresponsibility on the part of this officer as a means to avoid facing the reality you find yourself in.</p><p></p><p>People are not allowed to blow off steam through threats of killing specific, other people, particularly if they have identified a plan, which Josh has. This is rising to a new, dangerous level. I pray that you see this in this light.</p><p></p><p>Even if Josh is talking off of the top of his head, as your husband believes, and somebody could see into the future that nothing bad will come of his threats against you, this behavior still puts him at risk. He is a young man of color. Like my own son he is in danger of being stereotyped. Spouting out threats, or other aggressive behavior as a young man of color....in my mind puts my son at risk. Josh and my own son need to learn to keep themselves safe from misperceptions and misattributions of others. If they don't they risk danger. They must learn to control their behavior. What they say and do that triggers alarm, could put them in harm's way due to the perceptions of others over which they have no control.</p><p></p><p>But all of this is leaving aside that YOU are his intended victim and you are the one who is specifically named and degraded by his verbal and written threats and assaults. How do you ignore this? How do you live with this? How is this for you? Do you have value or not? Does it matter or not that you be treated this way? How does your husband feel about the words your son uses against and about you? How would he feel if he was the target? How would anybody feel?</p><p></p><p>Are you saying that it is good for Josh to repeatedly tell his mother he will kill her? Is it healthy for Josh to be allowed to repeatedly call you a whore? How are you helping him? I don't see how.</p><p></p><p>I don't really have more to say than this. And I won't. I think this situation is as grave as any that I have encountered here on this forum.</p><p></p><p>I have done this kind of work for 30 years as I said. When things rise to this level of threat and pathology, the situation becomes very attenuated. It is like being inside of a tunnel. And there is only one way to go. There are no options. Just to go forward with the right and responsible thing.</p><p></p><p>I will say this: The right thing to do, to involve authorities and professionals I believe is the right thing for all of you. Certainly for Josh. And your sister and her family. And for you.</p><p></p><p>You and your husband believe there are options. I think you are playing with fire. I pray that this will resolve safely for all of you.</p><p>___</p><p></p><p>Yesterday I went to the bank where I have banked every week for 8 years. All the women there know me well. My son was with me and I asked him to wait outside. Instead he entered. He came up behind me and aggressively dropped down sixty dollars (he was upset that he had to give it to me.) I did not see him come from behind, but I saw the teller and her colleagues become attentive and freeze. They were afraid of my son. We left but a few minutes later I returned to the bank as my son believed he had forgotten his phone. Again I told him, stay outside. He did not.</p><p></p><p>Because I had told him that he had acted aggressively, he approached the women and in a loud, aggressive voice, he "apologized." Again I could see all three women were afraid. I believed, had I not been there and had they not known me, they could have hit a panic button. I envisioned the police coming and shooting my son, who wears a hoody.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps this is dramatic and overly fearful. But I think not. I think parents of mixed race and non-white children all over the country are fearful and concerned about how their children can protect themselves from the perceptions of others in this climate of fear. Add to that aggressive behavior or words by our children?</p><p></p><p>I think it is our responsibility to insist to the extent we can that our children behave in a way that will not trigger a reactive response either by community members or police. While we have no control when they are away from us, we do have control near us. To let Josh continue this behavior around you and your family, without response, to me, is to put him at risk.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 751092, member: 18958"] Dear Beta: I believe you are minimizing this situation and it is dangerous to you, to your son, and to others.I recognize that your sister has a background in psychology. I worked 30 years in psychiatry largely with people in prison with severe mental illness. Even with this background I would not assume that I had the wherewithal to deal with Josh in my home or to objectively understand and to evaluate the risk level so as to keep myself safe. I would only be able to make objective, good decisions and manage the situation if I had the backup of a secure facility and trained staff, or at least a professional relationship where I had no other responsibility except to the well-being of my patient and the community. To put your sister in the situation of endowing her with the responsibility to evaluate Josh's potential to harm is to force her to play Russian Roulette with her own life, with Josh's and with your own. If she believes she has the capacity to do all of this she is wrong. No single person does. Not in their private life and in their own home. Certainly, I do not have that capacity. That this police officer was wrong, irresponsible or lazy has absolutely no bearing on the rightness of what he did. Rest assured. No responsible police office or crisis worker could or would ignore or minimize what Josh has done. You have it in writing. Any police officer or mental health professional who ignored this would be in deep trouble. I urge you to not use this irresponsibility on the part of this officer as a means to avoid facing the reality you find yourself in. People are not allowed to blow off steam through threats of killing specific, other people, particularly if they have identified a plan, which Josh has. This is rising to a new, dangerous level. I pray that you see this in this light. Even if Josh is talking off of the top of his head, as your husband believes, and somebody could see into the future that nothing bad will come of his threats against you, this behavior still puts him at risk. He is a young man of color. Like my own son he is in danger of being stereotyped. Spouting out threats, or other aggressive behavior as a young man of color....in my mind puts my son at risk. Josh and my own son need to learn to keep themselves safe from misperceptions and misattributions of others. If they don't they risk danger. They must learn to control their behavior. What they say and do that triggers alarm, could put them in harm's way due to the perceptions of others over which they have no control. But all of this is leaving aside that YOU are his intended victim and you are the one who is specifically named and degraded by his verbal and written threats and assaults. How do you ignore this? How do you live with this? How is this for you? Do you have value or not? Does it matter or not that you be treated this way? How does your husband feel about the words your son uses against and about you? How would he feel if he was the target? How would anybody feel? Are you saying that it is good for Josh to repeatedly tell his mother he will kill her? Is it healthy for Josh to be allowed to repeatedly call you a whore? How are you helping him? I don't see how. I don't really have more to say than this. And I won't. I think this situation is as grave as any that I have encountered here on this forum. I have done this kind of work for 30 years as I said. When things rise to this level of threat and pathology, the situation becomes very attenuated. It is like being inside of a tunnel. And there is only one way to go. There are no options. Just to go forward with the right and responsible thing. I will say this: The right thing to do, to involve authorities and professionals I believe is the right thing for all of you. Certainly for Josh. And your sister and her family. And for you. You and your husband believe there are options. I think you are playing with fire. I pray that this will resolve safely for all of you. ___ Yesterday I went to the bank where I have banked every week for 8 years. All the women there know me well. My son was with me and I asked him to wait outside. Instead he entered. He came up behind me and aggressively dropped down sixty dollars (he was upset that he had to give it to me.) I did not see him come from behind, but I saw the teller and her colleagues become attentive and freeze. They were afraid of my son. We left but a few minutes later I returned to the bank as my son believed he had forgotten his phone. Again I told him, stay outside. He did not. Because I had told him that he had acted aggressively, he approached the women and in a loud, aggressive voice, he "apologized." Again I could see all three women were afraid. I believed, had I not been there and had they not known me, they could have hit a panic button. I envisioned the police coming and shooting my son, who wears a hoody. Perhaps this is dramatic and overly fearful. But I think not. I think parents of mixed race and non-white children all over the country are fearful and concerned about how their children can protect themselves from the perceptions of others in this climate of fear. Add to that aggressive behavior or words by our children? I think it is our responsibility to insist to the extent we can that our children behave in a way that will not trigger a reactive response either by community members or police. While we have no control when they are away from us, we do have control near us. To let Josh continue this behavior around you and your family, without response, to me, is to put him at risk. [/QUOTE]
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