Relapse Again....

[Kathy813]

RN, I never thought my daughter would work the twelve-step program. She always made fun of it and said it wouldn't work for her. But it did . . . when she got serious about recovery. She is so immersed in the program now and has a wonderful support group. She even has become a sponsor to others just starting the program.

I guess my point is that I didn't realize what true recovery was until my daughter got serious about it. I see a lot of my daughter in your son. She played us so often and I was always trying to fix things and thought I had to help her get sober. I was constantly searching for the right doctor, the right program, the right halfway house. Ultimately, when I realized it wasn't up to me, she got sober.

You will know when your son is serious about recovery. He will be a different person. He will stop expecting you to help him and own up to his problems and want to fix them on his own. He will respect you and value you and stop trying to use you.

My daughter now talks about living her life with integrity and honesty. I sometimes wonder who this person is . . . those were not her values when using.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[ColleenB]

I do exactly the same thing RN. I only sleep through the night when I take a pill.

I spend my night thinking about him and all that has happened and all that could happen.....

I used to have hope but it's disappearing .....

Hugs xoxo

 

[RN0441]

I just talked to my son's therapist at the residential program he is in now. Wow she is on the ball and WOW she has energy or maybe I'm just getting old and tired!

She said son is stuck at 15 - when he started drug use. Thinks so very young. Yes I get it but glad she saw it. She recommended an IOP that has sober coaches and teaches all life skills as well as having a mentor. It's not far from where he is now and he wants to go. Recommends he be in sober living for a year. I think that would be great. If he's really ready for all of this to happen we couldn't be more ready.

He is being very honest with her. I like that but not getting too excited about anything. Been there/done that. Husband thinks I'm negative. He is more hopeful. I'm just tired I think.

One day at a time and pray the insurance will pay. That's always the caveat isn't it?

 

[RN0441]

Kathy - if I have to wait ten years for him to get where you're daughter is - I think I'd die.

 

[Kathy813]

Kathy - if I have to wait ten years for him to get where you're daughter is - I think I'd die.

You think that but you do what you have to do. You just keep on going. Sadly, it seems like early thirties is when a lot of addicts finally get tired of living that life and get serious about recovery.

I noticed at the last parent's day at my daughter's IOP that there was a marked difference in the younger clients and the older ones in their attitudes towards recovery. The younger ones were still complaining about their parents and the rules at the halfway house while the older ones (late 20's and up) defended the program and said the rules were necessary and helped them stay sober.

I am not saying that it is impossible for younger ones to get sober. My daughter's current roommate is 21 and seems very serious about her recovery despite a recent slip. But I think life experience does play a part in being ready to stop using drugs/alcohol.

I think that staying in sober living for a year would be wonderful! My daughter stayed in sober living for a year this time and I truly think that made the difference. Of course, she voluntarily stayed for a year so that was an important component, too.

One of my daughter's many, many therapists in one of her many rehabs told us, if they can stay sober for one year in the place that they got sober, they stand a very good chance of staying sober long term.

~Kathy

 

[bluebell]

RN,
You mentioned your son's therapist saying he was stuck at 15. My son's also said he was stuck at 14 when he was in the psychiatric hospital at 17 and couldn't give a mental diagnosis because of all the drugs in his system and his history. I just wanted to chime in and tell you I've been processing this a lot lately since my son is back home. I see no difference in anything compared to when he was 14. Sure, he got his GED and his driver's license and kept a job for a year, but he probably could have done those things at 14 sober. I was going thru some old videos and I found A's 14th birthday party. He is EXACTLY the same kid. Everyone else has changed greatly. We are all 7 years older. My 10 year old daughter who doted on him and hung on his shoulder is now a self absorbed 17 year old, who although not prepared, is desperately planning her escape to a one bedroom apartment to call her own. Isn't that what we expected? For our kids to be hell bent on independence and us trying to hold them back for one more day? Not stuck at the maturity level of an adolescent.
I also think what Kathy says is right. My son wouldn't go to IOP. The excuse he gave was all the 'old people'. There are no people his age in the programs here, I'm sure in Florida it is different and that could really help. I really think our sons are at a crossroads that they are not quite ready for. I don't think my son will make it to be an 30 year old in rehab. But he might, and by the looks of it he will be in good company. It is just hard for us to imagine doing this for that long. I think that is where detachment comes in and RN, you are further down that road than I. I'm praying for your son. And for you and hoping that you find some rest and peace

 

[RN0441]

Thanks ladies. Kathy I know I'll do it if I have to but I just can't imagine. I'd have to seriously detach almost 100% I think and I don't want to do that. Our lives are so good other than where my son is - emotionally not physically I mean.

Bluebell I feel like I have flatlined with all of this. Hard to have much hope. I did see my therapist last night and she said that they DO get something out of it each time. Incidentally our family therapist at new place was his therapist at another place when he first went to Florida a year ago. Surprisingly she said she did see some growth. I was kind of thinking OMG we've been in the system too long when people "know" you!! But my therapist last night said that is kind of a good thing that he has some history with her. I think she is there mainly for us rather than him but I'm sure she does have some interaction with him as well. We have a 1/2 hour phone call with her today.

The odd thing is during the past five years he has been sober more than not sober so not sure how he could be stuck at 15!!

Oh and we found out yesterday that somehow he was able to buy himself a new Iphone on our AT&T account during his binge. Isn't that nice?

 

[Kathy813]

RN, not using and being sober are two very different things. My daughter would be able to stay clean for months at a time but was still living the life of an addict. She certainly wasn't growing emotionally during that time. I think the term is dry drunk . . . they may not be drinking but still exhibit all of the thoughts and behaviors of someone who is.

Also, you many find out years from now that his drug use was more extensive then you know. My daughter is still sharing things about her drug use that surprises me. In fact, I would really rather not know but she seems to want to tell me so I listen.

~Kathy

 

[BusynMember]

I had the same experience as Kathy as far as learning my daughter used drugs much more often and seriously that I thought or would let my mind even think of at first. Drug users dont tell us the truth and can use drigs without getting into trouble for long stretches. I was shocked when I learned.

My daughter was sort of a dry drunk after she quit. It was a full two years before we really said to one another "She has changed completely."

We never know everything w0hile they use, no matter how sure we are. They hide their worst. It makes sense. Telling us "I use meth a lot" like my daughter did would have made things worse for her if she had needed us.

Like Kathy, I didnt want to know everything but Daughter had a strong need to tell us and I felt I had to listen if she needed to tell me. It was as if she wanted to cleanse herself by confessing all. Im her mom. I listened and expressed how proud I was that she quit. And had nightmares about her at night, even though she was now clean. Was hard.

 

[RN0441]

Yes I hear you.

I think my son thinks like an addict when he's not using also. We were very able to tell when he lived with us whether or not he was using. It was very evident by the changes in him. There are some that binge use also and that is where he fits in.

He has to get past that way of thinking to get to the next level and it's not going to be easy.

 

[BusynMember]

RN, he is not quite there yet, but i have high hopes for him. Hes more independent than many young users and yousl seem to always do just the right thing to push him gently...not too much, not too little. And you tske care of yourself too. You are a great example. And he keeps going back to rehab! Good for him!

 

[RN0441]

Thank you SWOT. We are learning as we go that's for sure.

They are sending him to another place next week that teaches life skills from cooking to banking etc. and he will have a sober coach. I am hopeful that this will help him immensely. He needs a lot of structure. He has told his therapist this but at times he still is very defiant. There is a wall there. I think it's age and immaturity. His therapist said he is afraid to succeed and he is afraid to fail. Aren't we all though in some way? His girlfriend sticks by him through thick and thin. She is really a wonderful person but he's too immature to appreciate her I think.

Like my therapist says, they get something out of every treatment center. He's been in enough programs that at some point he's got to figure it out!!

 

[FlowerGarden]

The teaching life skills seems wonderful. I think it will build more confidence as well. I've always said my son acts/thinks younger than he is. Not as mature as others his age.

 

[Littleboylost]

Thanks ladies. Kathy I know I'll do it if I have to but I just can't imagine. I'd have to seriously detach almost 100% I think and I don't want to do that. Our lives are so good other than where my son is - emotionally not physically I mean.

Bluebell I feel like I have flatlined with all of this. Hard to have much hope. I did see my therapist last night and she said that they DO get something out of it each time. Incidentally our family therapist at new place was his therapist at another place when he first went to Florida a year ago. Surprisingly she said she did see some growth. I was kind of thinking OMG we've been in the system too long when people "know" you!! But my therapist last night said that is kind of a good thing that he has some history with her. I think she is there mainly for us rather than him but I'm sure she does have some interaction with him as well. We have a 1/2 hour phone call with her today.

The odd thing is during the past five years he has been sober more than not sober so not sure how he could be stuck at 15!!

Oh and we found out yesterday that somehow he was able to buy himself a new Iphone on our AT&T account during his binge. Isn't that nice?

The lies manipulation and deceit, toooed off by the stealing. My Difficult Child stole 10$ of bait money and them helped me look for it. I set out bait money to prove to my husband that he had not changed and is a looking way off from it. My husband is too soft and want to give my son a final chance to remain at home. A big part of me feels guilty about not wanting to. But I am tired and I know he is not ready to change. The "Harm reduction rehab program he is in on an out patient baisis disagrees with us kicking him out. Hell they don't have to live with him. He Called last night at 1 am no way home. I said walk or borrow money from a friend and uber. He said he Ubered. He can't use my uber anymore. After several unauthorized trips we found out he had access. Blocked that pretty quick.
As soon as he felt he was not going to be kicked out he is right back to being nasty. It's not just the drugs it's his whole attitude. He does have a job with a landscaping company and is enrolled in an alternative high school for the fall to get the renewing 6 credits he needs for his diploma. So I figure have at it what's another few days to convince my husband that Difficult Child is not going to change. He steals, he lies, he blames everyone but himself for his problems. We did call the police and he was arrested for possession of MJ and Coke. He had to face the charges. He ha seven to youth criminal court and bail court several times. And he simply says it's my fault because I had him arrested. Don't sell drugs out of my home and don't bring drugs home! Re his taking my CD-R and coming home high and me finding pot this past Tuesday...it was just a slip it won't happen again. Well his job doesn't seem to care that he had been off 3 of the first 8 days. Can't believe he hasn't been canned. That's not teaching him much. And he says all the guys he works with smoke pit on the job. He says he wants to quit for our family (can tell it's a lie he is manipulating so I don't throw his ass out). We have a family conference today my husband has drawn up a new living agreement for us. Here we go again. I pray it works! But my gut tells me otherwise.

 

[RN0441]

Mothers know their children very well.

We may not know the person they have become with the drug use.

I am still waiting to see what I need to see from our son - almost six years of this.