A therapist once told me that statistically, highly dysfunctional families have fewer children. I have 4 younger siblings and I am the only one who has a child! My difficult child has mental issues, and hopefully her daughter doesn't. I feel a certain moral responsibility to try as best I can to support my granddaughter in every way I can so that this cycle does not continue down my genetic heritage. I also used to cringe when my difficult child talked about having more children, OMG, hopefully those days are over now. My granddaughter has asked me if she will inherit these mental issues, I had to be honest and say, I don't know, BUT, her mother and my sister had already begun to exhibit odd behaviors by the time they were both 16 and she hasn't ,so perhaps she is safe. I didn't inherit the mental illnesses, but 2 out of 5 of us in my bio family did.
When I had my difficult child, I did not understand all the issues that could be inherited like I do now after years of research, truth telling in my family of origin and therapy, or I would not have had a child. My greatest wish is that my granddaughter grows up free of the family mental issues and if she opts to have kids, that they are free of it too. I just don't know though, she could have a difficult child of her own some day. What a thought.
I have always felt a very strong internal drive to heal myself and make every attempt to not let these mental problems continue down the line. I've educated my granddaughter with books and talks about mental illness, so that as she grows up, she can handle it with information and honesty instead of secrets and fear like my family did. She may, one day, have to confront these issues in herself or her children and my hope is that if she does, she is prepared and can get the help she would need without going through the horrors that I did, or her mother for that matter. In some ways, when I look back on it, it seems like that was my life's work, I was so committed to it. Perhaps that's why on so many levels now I am breathing a sigh of relief, just because my difficult child is at least for the moment, safely tucked away, and my granddaughter appears on all counts to be a healthy, normal teenager. Whew.
You know, I have been at this for what feels like my entire life, trying to understand, trying to cope, trying to be healthy and trying to have a fulfilling life, in spite of the cards I was dealt with mental illness as a central theme. Along the way, as I attempted to make sense of all of it, I read a lot of books, did a lot of research, talked to a lot of people, and in my looking so hard for answers, I read different philosophical, religious and spiritual books which offered some understanding and solace along the way. One thing I read years ago which made sense to me was a Buddhist concept of suffering and how it is such a part of life. The part that struck me though is that, in this particular context, the suffering has to have meaning, not simply suffering with all the pain and nothing else. I gave that a lot of thought and, for me, it made a certain amount of sense because I realized that all of that suffering instilled in me a depth of compassion and that compassion shifted my outlook. Really nothing external changed, life still was very difficult at times, but I got myself into environments where I felt connected to others in that we shared common life challenges. The connections with others, in that common ground, was something I really desired and it changed my life in many ways. Like this board to some degree, where the commonality of the issues bonds you in unique ways. I found that in other ways, and in fact seek that out now. I want that connection to others, and oddly, the pain and suffering in my life pushed me in that direction and I did find meaning in it. For me, that's made a world of difference. I think it made me realize, very young, that life, for me, is not about power, money, status, politics, or attaining the American Dream, it's about love, connection, service, sharing and whatever one's interpretation of a higher power is. These thoughts help a lot in those dark moments in the middle of the night and I guess we all find our different ways of getting through those.
