Rules/Curfews for College-Age difficult children when at Home

[Allan-Matlem]

Weary Mom,
I am a man and a dad and I know that mom's have a harder time, but ' worrying ' does not help and gets in the way of a quality life. What has worked well with my kid has been his ability to seek out mentors who have guided him. Today - personal coaching is the in thing and having somebody to guide your son and manage his ADHD could be very helpful. Positive peers , finding positive students to study with - helps. Combining Athletics with academics can be a challenge - I would help him monitor his progress.

You know your son and the situation better than we do. The advantage we have ,is that we can take a detached view of what is going on - try to see it also from your son's eyes and as outsider. The best advice I was given was to talk to my then 9yo as I would talk to my neighbour's 25 yo - collaboration and problem solving . Also - I mentioned it before , something that came from a mentor had more chance of being heard and internalized than his parent

sending you positive thoughts and prayers

 

[hearts and roses]

WM, I'm sorry if I came across as unfeeling or harsh - not my intention. I posted before you had posted about some of your son's past behaviors...aside from his diagnosis, many of us had no idea that he also had some behavioral issues/past due to the diagnosis.

Also, take into consideration that many of us have been there done that...and that is where we are coming from...exhausted, tried and tired. When my difficult child graduated HS she wanted DESPERATELY to become a phlebotomist. I happily paid for her class, which was only 9 months long, because I was so grateful that she finally had an interest that could support her once she was out of the house. Oh, I envisioned her getting her own little apt and working at one of the many local hospitals or blood clinics. For the first two months, her papers received 90's and higher, she aced her tests, I was in awe....wow, had my difficult child finally turned a corner? Sadly, this was short lived as time progressed, it became apparent that my difficult child was skipping classes and wasted my money. At that point, I told her, "If you're not going to school, you must work. If you're not working, you must either go to school or move out - your choice. When and if you decide to return to school, you will have to finance it yourself." And that was that. She recently mentioned that she would like to go back to school. I'm happy about it, but have very low expectations that this plan will ever come to fruition - just because I know how she is. I love her dearly, I would give up my life for her in a nanosecond. But after years of being manipulated and fighting for her with the schools, etc., I gave up. You see, what is the point of ME fighting for HER best interests when she isn't living in her best interests? Do you see what I mean?? All your efforts could very well be wasted efforts because if your son is determined to live his life his way on his own terms, there is nothing you can do about it except perhaps pull all support, which is not a bad idea at a certain point. It's painful to watch them flounder, but it's necessary. My difficult child was definitely a difficult child. She is still impulsive and still drives me crazy at times, but she's matured, she can look back and realize the ways in which she screwed herself because she had to do it her way, had to learn the hard way. It's okay, some people, MOST people, have to learn things in their own time.

Hugs, honestly, I meant no offense!!!

 

[BusynMember]

I didn't mean to sound provocative either. I'm also a worrier and I do worry about my daughter, who is now sixteen, going off to college in a few years BECAUSE I know what she is going to face and have to fight...or give into. She has serious Learning Disability (LD)'s so she also has at least the same level of special needs as your son. She has been diagnosed by a few doctors with ADD (minus the H). If you say that adults do supervise the dorms, I hope that's true. Right now I am simply hoping my daughter makes good decisions in her college days, but I know the temptation will be there. And anyone who has been on the board a while knows I worry about my kids. But I can't let MY anxiety interfere with her ability to grow up and make mistakes, if that's how it is.

I do not really believe most adult children over 18 will adhere to a 12:00 curfew, but maybe your son is the exception. You really have to do what you feel is right. We are not trying to beat you up. You asked for opinions and you got our opinions. They were varied with advice attached to them. I actually hope my daughter does choose to go to our closest college campus. I don't relish the college days myself, but just because I'm nervous about them, I'm still going to let her go (if she can get in).

I hope you understand that we are actually trying to help. I'm sorry if you think I'm being harsh. I tend to be blunt and say what I think, but in no way do I wish to bait you. I just don't think the strict rules you want to enforce on your son are things he will listen to. But in the end, we always tell posters to take what they like and leave the rest. Good luck!

 

[klmno]

I haven't read all the responses and am just posting my initial, gut reaction. This is based on having a 17yo who is going into his senior year of HS and wants to go away to college next year. I should point out we've had some rough times and although he's living at home with me now, he spent the majority of the past 5 years in Department of Juvenile Justice. Obviously, they don't let them make their own choices in Department of Juvenile Justice so i have worried about his ability to make 'good' choices. But I am tring my best to remember that if he's going to have to learn the hard way (and my son does), the time is before he goes away to college. I don't want to control him like they do in Department of Juvenile Justice then him go way to college and blow it because #1 he never learned how to make his own decisions therefore he never learned from those types of mistakes and #2, I don't want him going to college and going wild because he felt suffocated in his life before then so he sees college only as a place to go wild. It is costly and if he goes, he darn well better be there for the right reasons and be able to keep his head on straight and get himself up on time, etc. He needs the self-discipline to study hard and have fun in moderation. If he can't do those things then maybe he isn't ready to go away to college. I am a person who strongly believes that self-discipline isn't learned by having others tell you everything to do.

In your case, I think I'd prefer for the kid to lose a summer job (if it came to that) and learn the importance of getting in bed and up on time, than to have nothing go wrong during the summer but blow a college opportunity (if it came to that). If I was convinced that "if he can't do what I expect during the summer, he can't or won't do it when he's at college", then consider talking to him about staying home a year or two and attending classes while living with you. See where that conversation leads- maybe he does need the structure provided by someone else. Maybe he's just trying to be a little lax now because he knows he can't once college starts- I don't know. I don't think you can expect a young adult right out of HS to have the self-discipline of an adult though.

 

[Signorina]

I really don't mean to beat a dead horse...but

I guess my feeling is that if it comes down between your need to sleep versus your adult son or daughter's desire to stay out all hours of the night - in YOUR home - your needs take precedence. A young adult's burgeoning liberty does NOT come at the expense of a bona fide adult/parent's liberty to decide how they wish to live in their own home. Some of us are light sleepers, some of us are struggling with *AHEM* hormonal changes, - personally -- we use an alarm system which goes off when the doors are breached. I can compromise & be OK with being awakened at 12:30 on the weeknights and 2:00 am on the weekends - but I also have the right to get the sleep I crave in MY bed in MY home. I have no problem sleeping when my kids are away from home or at school, on sleepovers, etc. But yes - if I am expecting them home and I wake up and they are not home and very LATE- I worry. If I am expecting my HUSBAND home and he is not home and I haven't heard from him -- I worry. It's not about being uber controlling. In this house, we tell people where we are going and when we will be home. It's courtesy. Adult courtesy.

As for wanting to control your difficult child's college experience. I can see both sides of it. My easy child is leaving for college in 5 weeks and I am stressing a bit -- mostly because of difficult child's issues. (difficult child was a easy child until he was physically assaulted his first week away, had a serious injury, started self medicating, fell into wrong crowd, became a jerk and a liar, dropped out mid semester 3 and is now estranged from us). When I started seeing yellow, orange and finally red flags - I overlooked them -- wanting to give difficult child the ability to figure it out for himself. In retrospect - I wish we had stepped in A LOT sooner. In some ways, it's sink or swim and my kid SUNK. Controlling the purse strings does give one a vested interest in an offspring's education. I can tell you with certainty that if easy child starts exhibiting warning signs, we will pull the plug quickly. Tuition is A LOT of money. And an investment in their future. And while it's THEIR future - and we don't expect to be paid back - we also don't want this opportunity squandered. They need to find a balance and if the scale is tipping in the wrong direction - they are not finding a balance and the buck stops. My biggest regret is not pulling difficult child home before his second semester. In retrospect, I never should have let him return to school after his injury.

So, I can see all sides. Lots of kids have a rip roaring good time at college AND find a way to balance it and fulfill educational goals. Their primary responsibility needs to be their education. Lots of kids manage to fly their irresponsible behavior under the radar. While I would never suggest parents look away from warning signs - frankly -- had my difficult child gotten good grades and been pleasant, his substance abuse and partying would have flown under my radar. I am glad your difficult child is in a structured dorm. I think it will work well for him. I think it's really great to suggest that he take up a sport. But make it a suggestion and not a decree. I wish my difficult child had taken up a sport. He went from being a HS varsity athlete (very structured and physical) to being a college freshman with too little structure and too much free time.

With my easy child - I have suggested that he choose a course schedule that mimics the school schedule he has known his entire life. (he's a humanities major - so it works out) A math class, a language class, a science class, an English class etc. I suggested that he leave the more challenging classes to his second and 3rd semesters. Being away from home and on his own is enough of a challenge - his classes and the rhythm need to be more familiar. In contrast, my difficult child was encouraged by his adviser to take difficult science classes for which he DID NOT have the pre-reqs -- so he could "get them in" and progress towards his bio-chem major. It was a recipe for disaster. And when he struggled and had to drop classes or got mediocre grades - we cut him too much slack - all in the name of letting him own it. That was a mistake. Hindsight is always 20/20.

So, you know your kid. Follow your instincts. I wish I had.

{{{hugs}}} I know - like me - you are probably starting to panic a bit as the college start date gets closer.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, Sig, I don't think falling grades and pot use is or should be acceptable, especially on a parental dime. I think it's great to go over classes with the kids and state preferences for extra cirriculars. I just don't think it should the parent's calls, ultimately. I know one parent who pushed her kid to do sorority, which I thought was ridiculous, but she didn't want to pay the tuition if her daughter didn't join one. SHE had been in one and she wanted her daughter to be in one. She didn't give her daughter a choice, really. To me, that's over-controlling and more for the parent's satisfaction than for the kid's pleasure.

I think what should be up to the adult child in school is the major and if there will be extra cirriculars AND what they will be. As for when they are at home, I really do not think a college kid will respect a 12 o'clock curfew. Therefore, most likely there will be major drama at home and the kid will end up leaving or even getting into more trouble anyway. My sixteen year old is allowed to stay out until midnight on the weekends. I can't see an eighteen year old who has lived away from home respecting such an early curfew, especially if he's a bit of a rebel. I think it is best to negotiate with our adult kids BEFORE they are in trouble, rather than setting up situations that will probably lead to disaster. But I would never suggest ignoring strange behavior, suspected drug use, suspected alcohol abuse (common in college) or other dangerous behaviors. Bad grades are not acceptable either...failing grades...and you're coming home and going to community college first to prove to me that you really want a college education. It's NOT c cheap.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im not going to beat you up but I have 3 grown boys well over college age. Only one still lives with me and I wish he would get the heck out! I dont think we ever had curfews for our kids. It was never an issue here. My boys were kids that went to bed with the chickens and got up with them too. I actually remember one time that some of Jamie's friends tried to get him to go out with them at 11pm and he told them no because there wasnt anything they could do that late that they couldnt do before that time to have fun. Then he went back to sleep..lol.

But in reality, there really isnt anything that they cant do before midnight that they can do after midnight except midnight movies. Bought we dont have them here...lol.

Even when my adult kids lived with us the rules were not to wake us up because Tony goes to sleep between 9 and 10 every night. He has to get up every day at 4am. The kids pretty much have always done well with that. Billy is 31 and I cannot even imagine trying to tell him what time to come home or even if he had to be home every night.

Now to say all that, when Cory lived her with Mandy, he did put a curfew on Mandy...lol. She was in college and she was used to running the roads as she saw fit and he wanted her to finish first HS and then go on to community college. He didnt like her running the roads at all hours of the night when she lived with us. He didnt mind them going out together on the weekends and he would tell us if they were going out somewhere but he simply put his foot down on her going out before all her homework was done and that seemed to put the brakes on her. Cory is a bit more strict than we are...lol.