Scheming difficult children and I need a vacation from my vacation +other woes...LONG!

[Signorina]

I think I mentioned earlier that i talked to difficult child on his birthday 2 wks ago. He also called last week to find out if we would be home on Easter- which we were not. I talked to him about some past due medical bills he needs to call the doctor about - they were coded wrong - they need to be re-coded and resubmitted to insurance. He also needed a bit of help with his tax return - turbo tax password, are we claiming him as a dependent (YES) etc. As we chatted, he gave me a whole spiel about registering for classes in the fall, being able to take 19 credit hours, get a 3.0 and get himself out of academic jeopardy blah blah blah... I think I posted about that before -- rent an apt in our town over the summer plus one in his college town, be able to afford two rents and so on. Totally unrealistic both grades and the budget. Not simply unrealistic - TOTALLY PLANET MARS

He texted me while we were gone, wanted the garage code which I didn't give him - so he could get his work boots. Apparently home for Easter weekend with the girlfriend and working his landscape job. Fortunately, h unplugged the garage door while we were gone so I had a good excuse.

Cut to Wednesday. H is gone when I awake at 9, he is running errands for my mom that take hours. ME NOT HAPPY. I get 15 business emails in the course of a few hours from my brother #2 (PITA brother, kinda my boss but we're supposed to be partners) about work. Yanking my chain on various stuff. Phonecall from brother #1 (who is in touch w difficult child & also a biz partner) and we chat for an hour about difficult child but mostly about business. (dad owned the business we all work for. Now my 75 yo mom owns. She has been a stay at home mom since age 22. She's clueless) In the course of it, he tells me he spoke to difficult child. Apparently difficult child has a $900 IRS refund which he plans to put towards a motorcycle and a plow truck . A SCHEME. Bro#1 also spoke to difficult child about the same time I did. He didn't get the spiel about school next year, he got the motorcycle and plow truck spiel. difficult child is buying a motorcycle for transportation plus a plow truck to make money next year. Bro#1 cautions difficult child about the risks of another head injury, and offers to buy him a helmet for his birthday and sends difficult child a choice of 3 good helmets from which to pick (bro#1 is a motorcycle afficianado yet agrees difficult child shouldn't have one yet will buy him a great helmet in the better safe than sorry theme) He also tells difficult child that it's more sensible to buy a plow truck NOW (off season) and a motorcycle in the fall (again off season) instead of vice versa. difficult child never mentions a word about returning to school in the fall to my brother.

So in case you are keeping score, bro & I have 2 totally different "Life updates" from difficult child. Both of which are MARTIAN. (My apologies to space creatures of any race)

I relate the convo to h who is finally back from errandville and we talk it out. H raises the common sense idea that difficult child is going to need insurance for both the truck & the motorcycle which he probably hasn't even thought about and certainly can't afford. And that the gas for a plow truck is $$$ . I tell H I find it very suspicious that difficult child got a $900 tax refund and surmise that difficult child probably decided to file as "single" instead of as "can someone else claim you as a dependent? YES" so he would get money back and that he thinks the IRS won't notice. Le sigh... We also realize that in my convo with difficult child - difficult child was likely telling the school tale bc that's what he wants me to believe. And we are both guessing that he has no intention of returning to school and plans to support himself plowing in college town or maybe in North Dakota where his best friend goes to school - a guy who also does snow plowing in the winter. Whatever is going on - he is full of bologna (again apologies to cold cuts of all types) and scheming... and we both agree that difficult child is staying in college town during the "school year" to keep up the facade that he is a college student with his peers from home. And that come next year when his friends have finished their junior years - it is going to hit him in the gut. Just based on his personality type going back to his childhood. He always wanted to be a special snowflake- Know what I mean?? It was cute when that motivated him to keep up with high achieving peers.

So are you still with me? We are on vacation, H is running errands for my mom all morning, difficult child is a martian who is full of bologna, bro#1 is calling me regarding difficult child plus business stuff, and bro#2 is sending me gabillions of emails. AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS SPEND 5 minutes with my H having small talk. Remember small talk? How was your day, what's your favorite color, blah blah blah

To top it off, h spent 2 of our days away at last second business meetings which could be lucrative - but they are also stringing him along - which we haven't had a moment to talk about.

So, beach, small talk, my iphone & h's blackberry buzzing incessantly, he walks away for 5 minutes to dispose of some trash and in that moment the beach umbrella above my head is lifted by a gust of wind and planted firmly on my head, breaking my nose.

So, 8 hours later, after a trip to the ER etc, etc, I drink a little (a lot) too much wine (in lieu of taking the painkillers) and decide to talk to my mom about all of the (my family) business issues plus the jumping thru hoops I have been doing WHILE I AM ON VACATION plus the fact that I wasn't thrilled she sent my h out on errands on TWO days when I have barely even seen him. (we were there for 6 days, H spent 2 of them doing things for my mom, 2 of them at business meetings) And it didn't go well. It was horrific. Turned into a screaming match (really unlike me - truly) at 2 am. And she stormed out - leaving the kids, h and me in her own home & not returning until a few hours before we were ready to leave 36 hours later. I don't want to go into it - just suffice to say -I had no business broaching the subject after 4 glasses of wine - but I was at my breaking point. And my mom is not exactly the warm fuzzy type. She's the shoot the messenger type. I usually just practice avoidance but for whatever reason, I chose this moment not to. I let the wine make me brave - bad idea. And when she came back - she told me I owed my H an apology and she gave my oldest son (they heard the whole thing) a long spiel about how she was going to give me a wide berth and he should not to hold it against me because I am having a bad year and she played the victim. Both my H and PC17 came to me separately and told me that it was in fact my Mom who owes me an apology. I have to say I am a little fuzzy on the details of the end of convo - between the wine, the head injury but mostly the fury I felt. I was wrong to let the fury overtake me but I have been avoiding this confrontation for the last 4 years and heck - maybe even the past 44 years. I don't know. I love her. I do. But our relationship and our history is a whole other story...

So now, here I am, two black eyes, a gash between my eyes surgically glued together, a crooked, fractured nose, two front teeth that ache (fear I will lose them) and a life that is a mess.

But so happy to be home on my own couch, and now I really know that my H was the best thing that every happened to me.

PS - if this post seems loopy - it's probably due to the injury. I am still out of sorts. DR appointment on Monday

 

[DaisyFace]

Oh my goodness - you poor thing!!!

I'm sending you lots of pity

(pity, pity, pity...)

pats on the back

(pat, pat, pat....there, there)

and lots and lots of

((((hugs))))

But absolutely NO wine. I think you've had enough!

Please relax and take care of yourself for a bit. You've had a very rough "vacation" (if we can even call it that - it doesn't sound relaxing at ALL!)

 

[toughlovin]

Sig that was NO vacation..... Hugs from here. I hope you feel better and heal soon!!!

Have you thought of contacting the IRS.... maybe best to contact them before they send difficult child any money... in case they don't figure out his error right away. We all know they will figure it out and then he will have to pay the money back and there will be many fees etc.

TL

 

[buddy]

oh my lord, sig, that was the vacation from Hades. I am so sorry. I really hope you can sleep a little and deal with all the issues some other week. You need a week or so off to recover from your vacation.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm sorry about everything that happened this week, your nose, your difficult child, your lack of quality time with-husband, and esp. your blowup with-mom. You deserved a fun week - life is so hard sometimes, and everything hits the fan at once.

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))) You poor thing! Yes, you need a vacation from your vacation. Maybe a nice dinner out with H? And leave the phones at home?

 

[FlowerGarden]

So sorry you had such a horrible vacation. You and H should go spend a couple of days away from everyone, only answer phone calls from your PCs, and just relax, talk, and enjoy yourselves. sending hugs your way.

 

[Nancy]

Sig that sounds just awful...all of it. I'm sorry about everything. Family relationships are tough enough but when you in a family business together it often is disaster. I know this won't make you feel better but a yeag and a half ago I got into a fight with my 92 year old dad and my sister, over my difficult child of course, but issues that have been brewing for years came up and words were said that can never be taken back. I have not spoken to my sister since and was not invited to her daughter's wedding last may nor her son's next week. I'm sure we will never speak again except perhaps at my dad's funeral but it will never be repaired. I see my dad infrequently now, we have not spoken about the fight and there is no point, he is 92 after all. But the one thing I did learn from it all is that my husband and easy child and difficult child were my family and the rest were not worth making my life miserable over.

I'm glad your husband took your side, wish he had said something to your mom but I'm sure it was best he didn't. Does your husband work in the family business too? I wish there was some way you could get out of the business for your own sake.

I am blown away by the amount of tax refund difficult child is getting. If he was a full time student how could he even make enough to have that much tax withheld to get back? It certainly sounds like he is claiming himself and ignoring the fact that you said you were claiming him. Won't take IRS to figure that one out. His schemes sure do sound like my difficult child's. It's amazing what they dream up.

One thing I know though, if you do end up unemployed you can get a job as a writer for sure.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Signorina]

Yes, this was definitely a "words said that can't be taken back." H said I was pretty out of control. I honestly don't remember it all - I think more from the pain & adrenalin than the wine. It was also a pent up 4+ year frustration. So many business irregularities that can't be explained and instead of my mom being open/grateful that they are being brought to light - she is defensive and taking it as a personal attack. Add two brothers that don't get along at all - one of whom is her favorite and she demonizes the other and now I am being accused of taking sides...when all I am trying to do is bridge the gap...AKA...the messenger is the one who gets shot. The irony is that I took a far away backseat & HUGE pay cut 15 years ago for this very reason ... with my dad's blessing and at his suggestion. I was quitting and he apologized because he knew that he had put me in an untenable position between my brothers by bringing me into the business. And he asked me to stay and work from home on special projects - which I do - and I take my tasks very seriously and I do a d@mn good job. And my mom tried to spin it on me that it had been a HUGE FAVOR so I could be home with my kids - like it was an act of charity. She doesn't have a clue. Really missing my dad who GOT IT and trusted me and loved my brothers equally. SIGH

Thanks for the warm words everyone... no vacations or dinners out in my near future. You should see me - I look horrific and I am not feeling so great either!! I even skipped Mass tonight. I am hoping they tenderness will disappear and I can try to cover some of it with makeup - but that won't be anytime soon! And with my job in jeopardy and the mounting medical bills ($1000 deductible and 70/30 thereafter) - my vacations may be in the local doctor/dentist office. I may try to steal my H away for a weekend in Chicago, I am reasonably comfortable leaving pc17 (almost 18) at home and in charge for a night or two if we are close. Have to see if this business thing goes thru before we can breathe a little. Or maybe i will pack both kids away to sleepovers and have a romantic weekend at home with H someday soon.

At the least, it's a good distraction from my problems with difficult child...

LOL

You guys are awesome. Really and truly. I tell you things i don't share with anyone else...and you don't judge. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.

 

[pinevalley]

Oh Sig: You really DO need a vacation from your vacation! When I read that you were in Florida last week I was so happy for you. I was hoping that you were relaxing on a beach with a break from everyday life. It is horrible that you had to deal with all that stress, and then the broken nose on top of everything else. Please try to rest and take care of yourself now that you are back home. And no more wine for you! I am sending you my best wishes for a full recovery. HUGS,

 

[recoveringenabler]

Gee Sig, your vacation sounds just horrible, I am so sorry. A broken nose, a horrible fight with your Mother, your son with his creative truth telling and the weird IRS refund, not spending time with your H, it is the vacation from h#@ll. Sometimes life can just suck. You need lots of hugs, I'm sending you a bunch along with the hope that the tide changes for you and good fortune is coming your way............

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry it was such a difficult vacation. why is it that vacation to see family so often results in turmoil, esp when that family is your parents?

I am esp sorry about the problems with your mom. I know how it feels to be estranged from your mom. Mine has been angry with me for most of the last many years. Most of the time it is because my bro and t is so painful when your mom takes sides esp when she doesn't take your side.

difficult child is certainly spinning tales and you have to wonder which part is true, though the big IRs refund probably is. I don't know what you can do to dispute his claiming himself, but I do know that if he did and you did, eventually the incorrect party will be presented with a bill for the undue refund or the unpaid amt if they claimed a person improperly. This is an issue to consult an atty over, though. In the headspace your difficult child is in, I could see him suing you for claiming him even if you are supposed to claim him.

your poor head/face!!!!! that was just such an awful cap to the trip!!! be gentle with yourself and if fyou want to really cover the bruises, get mederma. it is a heavy makeup like product meant to cover scars. I have been told it also covers bruising well. Walgreens has a house brand version of it, which is less expensive and i am told quite good.

take a bit of time this week and treat yourself to something you like. even just go to a restaurant and have dessert and coffee and read a book for an hour. hugs

 

[DDD]

Sending supportive and caring hugs your way. Here are three different thoughts to consider:

1. Remember that the first person to file with IRS gets the refund...even if it is bogus. (Yep, GFGmom filed claiming both difficult child#1 and difficult child#2 when they lived full time with us. Due to business situation that year it coss us over ten grand. She won. We lost.)

2. If the umbrella was not securely attached you need to file a simple law suit to recover your medical expenses plus pain and suffering.

3. Forget wine in the future. I can attest to the fact that Cutty Sark never ever ever results in emotional outbursts or reduced delayed memory. You just go nite nite with-o much warning. DDD

 

[Signorina]

Thanks for the advice....especially the Cutty Sark-it made me smile and it was worth the pain that resulted. (note to self-no facial gestures for a while)

I am letting go of difficult child's mystery $900. Don't care. Filed first (phew!), difficult child wouldn't dare sue us (we'd wipe the floor with him), and on 2nd thought-not sure I believe he was telling his uncle the truth. I am guessing my brother asked him how he was going to pay for his plans & he needed a quick answer..

A) He's a huge exaggerator.
B) Maybe he earned it illicitly - drug money?
C) plausible that he may have withheld $900+ as he earned $12/h plus Occupational Therapist (OT) and worked 50+ hours a week all summer. Doubtful that he got it back as a dependent tho. And I wouldn't call the IRS for a meelion dollars.
D) NOT MY PROBLEMO + how can you tell when an addict is lying...? (Lips are moving, see A)

I set up his turbo tax acct-so I could check it if I wanted to do so or even his aol mail acct which syncs w his iPad notes(bet he doesn't know that) BUT I HAVE NOT AND HOPEFULLY WILL NOT!! After finding that druggie "wish/shopping list" in his synced notes in Feb, I've just stopped looking for pain. (4 bongs/pipes, beer pong table, tongue scraper etc)

I am spent. I just want everyone to go away & stop messing up my life with their issues. I feel like a willow tree in a tornado. I am going to find stillness if it kills me...and I am at the point where I am ready to consider radical changes if necessary. PC15 has 3 more years of HS, I can hold out for 3 more years. After that, maybe a small house and a simpler lifestyle in a warmer climate? I may grab H's hand and walk into a happily ever after with just the two of us & occasional visits from the pcs.

 

[Kathy813]

I'm sorry that you have had such a hard week. It sounds like all of the tension and anxiety that you have been holding in just came to a boil and the alcohol helped it explode.

Maybe that is a good thing . . . released the tension a little bit. by the way, I like your idea of a smaller house in a warmer climate and living happily ever after.

That's what I wish for all of us. . . a happily every after.

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Well, I'm older then you guys and I want that happily ever after right now! When SO and I were away, it was so nice to just be with him and have relaxing, peaceful, quiet days where we would just hang out and be together. Now that granddaughter is 16, we can see our lives being just the two of us. I so understand what you said Sig, walking hand in hand into the happily ever after. SO and I are planning to retire to the island of Kauai soon after granddaughter goes to college. Plans are in the works. I told granddaughter that if there are any thoughts of babies, to wait until she is 30 because I am NOT RAISING ANOTHER CHILD!!!!! After all of these years and all of these kids, it is now about ME. Yikes.

 

[Kathy813]

Kauai is absolutely beautiful!! We went to Hawaii last summer and we took a helicopter ride over Kauai and it was breathtaking. I can't believe you are actually going to get to retire there.

Can I come visit?

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Here's an idea. On another thread there was talk about the reunion you all had in 2009, don't you think Kauai sounds like a perfect place for a reunion of "battle weary parents?" It is a healing place with beauty everywhere you look and the residents are truly HAPPY people. There's a whole lot of smiling that goes on there. Gee, I miss it, there isn't any place on earth that makes me feel more at home then (any of) the islands of Hawaii. There is something so peaceful and calming to my spirit, it is my sanctuary. I've been wanting to live there since I first went in 1988, so it's a long awaited dream. I wish that for all of us, to find our sanctuary and to live in peace. Amen.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Wow, Signorina - I'm so sorry. Sending you lots of warmth and support.

(Have you ever checked out a board called bpdfamily.com? Some of the stuff you described with your mother reminded me of stuff I read there - even if your mother doesn't have Borderline (BPD), a lot of the techniques people use to deal with the problem folks in their lives are very helpful even with people who are just challenging and not personality-disordered. It can also be immensely validating to read about a behavior that you've experienced from that person all your life, filed under "normal and unavoidable but unpleasant and may even be my fault somehow", and then realize that it's not you and nothing you do causes it.)

 

[Signorina]

Thanks for the link Elsie. I was a member of a board called DONM (daughters of narcissistic mothers)- and close friend pointed me there when I had an issue with my mom last year. http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ Finding them was like reading my life story. I didn't realize how much my dad protected me from her invalidation - until he was gone and could no longer be the buffer. She's a really great mom until she's not if that makes any sense.

As for me, I just returned from the dr and was diagnosed with a concussion in addition to my nose fracture. I am seeing an ENT next week, and if my headaches & dizziness don't improve by the 25th or so, I need to see a neuro. Fortunately, I am feeling a bit more like myself each day so I am not too concerned, and the concussion gives me a valid reason for washing my hands of my job for the next week. No driving long distances, no strenuous activity and limit stress. I wish I could get those instructions extended for a dozen weeks instead of just 1!