We have a 23-year-old son who is addicted to opioids and shooting them up along with his 26-year-old pregnant girlfriend. We have been allowing them to live in an apartment rent free that is attached to inlaws house. We thought girlfriend was clean and that my son was also getting clean since 4 months ago when he broke down and confessed what was going on. We sent him to Detroit to detox which he did but when he got back home to the addicted girlfriend he ended up with a 2nd DUI which we don't know what is going to happen with that yet. My question is the whole family has confronted both of them and gave them the choice to get help and get clean and we were going to take them yesterday. She does not want to go because she already is having custody problems because of her drug use in the past of Heroin. I said she had to go and that it is not my concern that children and youth will get involved because she is addicted and 5 months pregnant with our grandchild. They both left in the middle of the night and don't know where they are. My son has sold everything he has and has no money left even though he works 6 days a week. she has not worked since they have been together even though I have tried to find her jobs. she has a criminal record so that doesn't help with job hunting. We told them that if they didn't get clean and stay clean that they were no longer allowed to live at the apartment or with family. I didn't really think they would choose to run with no money and nowhere to go. We don't know what to do when they show up? We don't want to cave and help them by letting them move back in while still using but I don't know if I can live with saying no to them especially with her being pregnant and homeless with our grandchild. I know she won't get help and she has stolen from her parents and I don't trust her. The last guy she was with is in and out of jail from heroin use and she has to other children from that relationship but does not have custody. Grandmother has custody as of right now. I want to say we will take my son back because I think he will get help but I don't want her in our family so I think we need to give him the decision to stay with her on the downward spiral or choose his family that has been there for him all along. Neither of them is paying their bills and I don't want to enable him by paying his bills either. I know he will choose her but right now I'm too mad to care and I don't want her around. Anyone else have this similar situation?
seeking advice for addicted son
- Thread starter Tammy F
- Start date
EarthIsHard
Member
Tammy,
I'm sorry you're going through this. You are right in not wanting them to move back in while using.
That is a very sad situation for an unborn child having a using mother. I'd have to say, I might have police look for them in this situation, not only are their lives at stake, but the child. That is a very tough situation.
Our 26 year old was in a very similar situation, minus the pregnant girlfriend, for 9 years with heroin then added meth in the last years. He's been through many rehabs. We tried and tried to help until we finally asked him to leave. After 6 months gone, his actions have landed him in a psychiatric hospital who is forcing him to get help that he needs. It's really difficult when they are that young wanting to make all their own decisions while choosing ones that are ruining their lives. We hoped that he'd come to the decision to get the help he needs but sometimes they're in so deep they can't break out of that tornado alone.
My thought is not to take your son back unless he agrees to treatment first. His girlfriend is not thinking of her baby, she's thinking of where her next needle is coming from, and unfortunately, so is your son. Neither are thinking of the child. Your son's DUI situation may force him to get clean with a little time in jail. We thought that would be the worst situation for our son though being in jail got him some clean time and was some of the time when his head was the clearest.
Prayers to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You are right in not wanting them to move back in while using.
That is a very sad situation for an unborn child having a using mother. I'd have to say, I might have police look for them in this situation, not only are their lives at stake, but the child. That is a very tough situation.
Our 26 year old was in a very similar situation, minus the pregnant girlfriend, for 9 years with heroin then added meth in the last years. He's been through many rehabs. We tried and tried to help until we finally asked him to leave. After 6 months gone, his actions have landed him in a psychiatric hospital who is forcing him to get help that he needs. It's really difficult when they are that young wanting to make all their own decisions while choosing ones that are ruining their lives. We hoped that he'd come to the decision to get the help he needs but sometimes they're in so deep they can't break out of that tornado alone.
My thought is not to take your son back unless he agrees to treatment first. His girlfriend is not thinking of her baby, she's thinking of where her next needle is coming from, and unfortunately, so is your son. Neither are thinking of the child. Your son's DUI situation may force him to get clean with a little time in jail. We thought that would be the worst situation for our son though being in jail got him some clean time and was some of the time when his head was the clearest.
Prayers to you.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
The baby needs her mother to be locked away so she cant use. The baby already probably has brain differences. We adopted a child whose birthmom was on crack and it showed up in his system when he was born and she lost her rights to him. The child, now adult, has autism and it could have been worse. He was lucky because autism is something you can treat.
The girl has to be forced to quit even if that means jail or the baby will continue to keep using the same drugs her mother uses. I kkow. Its hard. But Baby may develop the organic brain disorder of fetal alcohol syndrome which cause lifelong, irreversible serious cognitive and behavioral issues. There is not much you can do to help Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) except wish her mother hadnt drunk alcohol. Any amount of alcohol while pregnant can cause this. I would focus more on somehow getting her to a place where she can not drink or take drugs, like jail, then worry about your son right now. They could both lose their parental rights,.
My sons birthmother lost all five of her kids. They were all drug affected. The grandma took four of them but was too overwhelmed by so many kids with special needs...she felt unable to take our son.
If you feel you want to or may have to apply for custody it is a good idea to form a relationship now with CPS. The longer this woman takes drugs, the worse it is for the baby. Your granddaughter is at stake. Please think about the baby first.
Light and love!
The girl has to be forced to quit even if that means jail or the baby will continue to keep using the same drugs her mother uses. I kkow. Its hard. But Baby may develop the organic brain disorder of fetal alcohol syndrome which cause lifelong, irreversible serious cognitive and behavioral issues. There is not much you can do to help Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) except wish her mother hadnt drunk alcohol. Any amount of alcohol while pregnant can cause this. I would focus more on somehow getting her to a place where she can not drink or take drugs, like jail, then worry about your son right now. They could both lose their parental rights,.
My sons birthmother lost all five of her kids. They were all drug affected. The grandma took four of them but was too overwhelmed by so many kids with special needs...she felt unable to take our son.
If you feel you want to or may have to apply for custody it is a good idea to form a relationship now with CPS. The longer this woman takes drugs, the worse it is for the baby. Your granddaughter is at stake. Please think about the baby first.
Light and love!
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toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Oh I feel for you. I have a son who has serious addiction problems. We have tried and tried to help and he has been to many rehabs. I know what it is like to have a son in this situation live with you and it is awful....Adding in the pregnant girlfriend makes it even worse. So I Agree dont let your son come and live with you. I would let him know you will only help him when he is helping himself. As for the girlfriend.....its the baby that makes this so heartbreaking. I think I would consider calling child protective services and let them know what is going on and ask for their advice. I know people tend to be scared of them but they can do good work and in this situation they should protect that child if they can. They could possibly force her into some kind of treatment for the sake of her baby. Thinking of you.
TL
TL
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi TF and welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for your need to be here.
I hate to read of pregnant women using drugs, it just sends shudders down my spine. It is the worst child abuse. I’m sorry, venting.
I have two addicted daughters. One with three children who presently live with their paternal grandparents. Both parents are too far into meth use to care for their children. The story is a long one of a toxic relationship spiraling downhill with drug use and domestic violence. CPS was involved and we had the grands for a time, but their goal was to rehab the parents and reunite the family. My hubs and I spent many a sleepless night over the chaos and drama. Tried to help by rearranging our small home and having them stay, later on mostly for our grandkids who didn’t ask for any of this. I helped my daughter take out TROs on her boyfriend, she ended up sneaking him over.......ugh.
Our helping turned out just prolonging the ordeal, they would swear they were “just smoking pot” but it became apparent there was more. Crack and meth entered the picture.
Both parents are heavily using, my daughter is currently in jail. I refuse to bail her out so she can go back to the streets and drugging.
Sigh.
Most folks here will tell you that any help we give an addict, helps them to continue as is. Unless, they are ready for rehab and want to change their lifestyles. They lie, steal and manipulate to get high. They use our love for them to remain status quo.
It is very important to strengthen yourself for this journey. This is a good place to come to vent and receive support and advice. We are not counselors or experts, just ordinary folks with the incredibly hard reality of loving our addicted adult children. The trick is, to be able to love them enough to say no. As you wrote you will not enable your son by paying his bills, that is a good start. Anything we do to make it easier for them, just makes it easier for them to continue using.
There is a really good article on detachment at the top of the PE forum page that helps us to examine our relationship, our reactions, see where we are entangled emotionally, how to redirect our focus and not enable our addicted loved ones. That is a work in progress for me. Especially with grandchildren involved. I have actually called CPS in the past a few times to report my daughters drug use and the drama they are witness to.
You may consider doing that on your sons girlfriend. It is anonymous. It may save the baby’s repeated exposure in utero. In many states, it is a criminal act to use drugs while pregnant.
As far as giving your son an ultimatum, that may work, it may not. It is good to have a plan either way.
A plan for you. Try to find support if you haven’t already. I saw a therapist for a while. There is Alanon and Naranon. Being able to have face to face conversations is good.Reading up on addiction and educating ourselves helps. Knowing that you did not cause this, can’t control or cure it is tantamount to your surviving whatever this may come to. Hopefully your son will wake up and realize this is not how he wants to live.
I can’t sugar coat things for you, it has been the long haul for me. I have had to pull way back for my own survival.
It is important for you to take very good care of yourself. This is so stressful on a parents heart and soul. Make sure you are eating well and getting enough rest. Be very kind to yourself.
It took a long time for my Tornado to finally leave her boyfriend. They were super attached to one another, even though their relationship was so chaotic and violent. Addicts are fiercely protective of each other, they become family through their acceptance of drug use and everything that comes along with that. My two are estranged from all blood family. They prefer to hang around their drug using friends. I had to stop them from living with us because of the drug use, violence and chaos as well as stealing from us and inviting drug friends over while we were working.
I hope that your son wakes up sooner than later. Please work on strengthening yourself for this journey. It is a hard road to travel. You have come to place of refuge here, where many have been on the path and can offer suggestions and advice. Take what fits your situation and leave the rest. We all understand how heartbreaking this is. Take care.
You are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
I hate to read of pregnant women using drugs, it just sends shudders down my spine. It is the worst child abuse. I’m sorry, venting.
I have two addicted daughters. One with three children who presently live with their paternal grandparents. Both parents are too far into meth use to care for their children. The story is a long one of a toxic relationship spiraling downhill with drug use and domestic violence. CPS was involved and we had the grands for a time, but their goal was to rehab the parents and reunite the family. My hubs and I spent many a sleepless night over the chaos and drama. Tried to help by rearranging our small home and having them stay, later on mostly for our grandkids who didn’t ask for any of this. I helped my daughter take out TROs on her boyfriend, she ended up sneaking him over.......ugh.
Our helping turned out just prolonging the ordeal, they would swear they were “just smoking pot” but it became apparent there was more. Crack and meth entered the picture.
Both parents are heavily using, my daughter is currently in jail. I refuse to bail her out so she can go back to the streets and drugging.
Sigh.
Most folks here will tell you that any help we give an addict, helps them to continue as is. Unless, they are ready for rehab and want to change their lifestyles. They lie, steal and manipulate to get high. They use our love for them to remain status quo.
It is very important to strengthen yourself for this journey. This is a good place to come to vent and receive support and advice. We are not counselors or experts, just ordinary folks with the incredibly hard reality of loving our addicted adult children. The trick is, to be able to love them enough to say no. As you wrote you will not enable your son by paying his bills, that is a good start. Anything we do to make it easier for them, just makes it easier for them to continue using.
There is a really good article on detachment at the top of the PE forum page that helps us to examine our relationship, our reactions, see where we are entangled emotionally, how to redirect our focus and not enable our addicted loved ones. That is a work in progress for me. Especially with grandchildren involved. I have actually called CPS in the past a few times to report my daughters drug use and the drama they are witness to.
You may consider doing that on your sons girlfriend. It is anonymous. It may save the baby’s repeated exposure in utero. In many states, it is a criminal act to use drugs while pregnant.
As far as giving your son an ultimatum, that may work, it may not. It is good to have a plan either way.
A plan for you. Try to find support if you haven’t already. I saw a therapist for a while. There is Alanon and Naranon. Being able to have face to face conversations is good.Reading up on addiction and educating ourselves helps. Knowing that you did not cause this, can’t control or cure it is tantamount to your surviving whatever this may come to. Hopefully your son will wake up and realize this is not how he wants to live.
I can’t sugar coat things for you, it has been the long haul for me. I have had to pull way back for my own survival.
It is important for you to take very good care of yourself. This is so stressful on a parents heart and soul. Make sure you are eating well and getting enough rest. Be very kind to yourself.
It took a long time for my Tornado to finally leave her boyfriend. They were super attached to one another, even though their relationship was so chaotic and violent. Addicts are fiercely protective of each other, they become family through their acceptance of drug use and everything that comes along with that. My two are estranged from all blood family. They prefer to hang around their drug using friends. I had to stop them from living with us because of the drug use, violence and chaos as well as stealing from us and inviting drug friends over while we were working.
I hope that your son wakes up sooner than later. Please work on strengthening yourself for this journey. It is a hard road to travel. You have come to place of refuge here, where many have been on the path and can offer suggestions and advice. Take what fits your situation and leave the rest. We all understand how heartbreaking this is. Take care.
You are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
