Sharing his story, Update

[WhymeMom?]

Well, still have not talked to difficult child son...Haven't verbally communicated with him since late May of this year. Found out from his attorney that he will go to court on Tuesday concerning a crime committed in May. He was supposed to get an evaluation (that we offered to pay for) in October, but blew off three appointments and finally just said he wanted to take the plea of 4 years with 2 off for good behavior. (Somehow he can manage good behavior in prison.) While waiting for the last minute to take this plea we think he committed another burglary and was questioned by the police about it. His attorney told him to answer no questions because at that time we were trying to get him evaluated and the appointment was in the next few days. Why they never arrested him for this we don't know, but assume they will eventually.......

At this point I wish he had stayed in jail and his "friends" hadn't bailed him out. I'm thinking he may not have gotten the plea deal if he was in jail, but I know he wouldn't have done anything else to make the sentence longer. I do think it's the norm for the system to believe when a person cannot bail out on bond that they will give them a longer sentence in a plea deal.

I'm hoping he doesn't do anything really stupid before Tuesday and I cringe every time I hear the news and some place has been robbed, thinking: "Please don't say his name......" The other aspect of the Tuesday hearing is that if they can tie him into this other burglary the 4 year "gift" of the plea deal will be down the river and he will be looking at 30-life under the habitual offender law.

Right now I believe that prison may be the best place for him, he has refused any reasonable help we have offered. He finds a "thrill" in robbery that he acts upon when he drinks.... So far he has not harmed a person, he doesn't confront anyone, just steals when no one is there.....but who knows what else he has done????

I know he will not receive any help in prison and and apparently doesn't want any help from us.....until he gets there and I'm sure he will want some money to buy things. One good thing about prison is it is smoke free so he will be off cigarettes. One of the bad things is he will become racist as prison is self segregated and prison "groups" are usually defined according to race.....I will not visit him and I think he knows this. He has long been away from our influence and guidance (if it ever effected him?) The desire for the "thrill" of committing a burglary outweighs anything else....heck of an addiction.....

Most of our family still don't know of his criminal activities, but I'm sure suspect something since he doesn't attend family gatherings. I've moved on and have come to the conclusion I did all I could. He must find his own way now.....

Thanks for listening if you made it this far....and I'm still saying prayers for a miracle for the little boy I thought I raised.....

:crying:

 

[meowbunny]

I'm sorry.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I too am so very sorry.

 

[Hound dog]

You did your best. That's all anyone can ask.

Saying prayers and sending gentle (((hugs)))

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes we will continue to post and pray and listen to each other. The stories all sound so familiar. Only we would know exactly how it feels. I understand your comments on the little boy you raised. I feel the same way about mine - as he is sitting in jail waiting to see what sentence he will get. :crying:

 

[KFld]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. No, he won't get the help he needs in prison, but at least there you will know he's safe and has food and a roof over his head and can't be robbing anyone anymore.

I hope someday something clicks with him and he will find the strength and courage to get the help he needs and turns his life around.

In the meantime, you are doing great.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I've moved on and have come to the conclusion I did all I could. He must find his own way now..... </div></div>

You are exactly right. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[mstang67chic]

Hugs.

You know, I always see these articles and things on Nurture vs. Nature and I don't know how much stock I put into the theorys. I've seen people who never should have had kids raise children who turned out to be wonderful, law abiding members of society and I've seen great parents have kids who turned out to be jerks. I myself was raised by good hearted parents who had issues with alcohol, drugs and domestic abuse. While I do smoke ciggies, I don't do drugs, rarely drink and would nail husband to the wall should he ever lay a finger on me. (Not that he would, just saying)

While I do think that the atmosphere a person is raised in does affect them in some way, I think that in the end, a lot of it is up to the individual. You've done what you can to give your son the right tools to live a productive life. It's up to him to pick up those tools and use them. If he chooses to leave them out in the rain to rust, so to speak, that's up to him. It's sad, heartbreaking and a waste of potential but it's still his choice. At the same time though, he's still walking the Earth and still has opportunities to pick up those tools again. It may take work to clean the rust off, but if he chooses, he can do it.

I know you're hurting but you are right. You've done what you can, the rest is up to him. I would't make a big secret out of it with your family either. Not that you should make a big announcement but if someone asks.......well, they asked, you answer. Anyone who knows you is going to know that you didn't teach him to steal or drive him to the computer store so he could break in. You never know....while they may not understand, by including others in the loop, you may just find more support than you knew you had.

 

[witzend]

I'm so sorry. It's amazing how skewed their outlook is. Maybe he's right, though. Maybe he can 'behave' in prison. Of course, their view of 'behaving' is totally different than ours. Then again, there are all of the sub-groups that he has to conform to. I hope he is right and that he will make it through 2 years. I hope he will go to an AA meeting, or find a church group.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. The only thing you can do for him now is to be strong and make your life good.

 

[Sunlight]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">One of the bad things is he will become racist as prison is self segregated and prison "groups" are usually defined according to race.....</div></div>
this too is another bad thing and is so true. also, segregated by the inmates themselves according to religion practiced or not.
I also have found so little support from my own family. just one sister in law and my mother care. no one else even called to see if I was alive. still. same thing happened when my son died. perhaps they just dont know what to say so say nothing.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Thank you for all the support...I so appreciate it. Just hoping he showed up for his hearing and the plea bargain is a go.....I guess I will hear about it later......

 

[WhymeMom?]

Just got a call that he did in fact show up for the hearing and they presented the plea bargain....sentencing will be in November so he will be in jail until then at least. Provided other things don't arise he will be in jail for 2 years with 2 off for good behavior. Seems like a long time, but I view it as a gift....hoping he can find a better way, but being realistic know that it gets harder everytime he gets out and life has passed him by....Pray that other crimes don't come to light and he gets sentenced to a less hard core prison....a longer sentence won't make a difference in his outlook......

 

[standswithcourage]

How are you feeling about that? What holds you together knowing he will be in for that long? I maybe looking at time for my difficult child.

 

[Sunlight]

sad. like ant he is only 24. I no longer believe jail will do anything but make them more hardened, expose them to career criminals, remove them more and more from the mainstream of life. when they get out they are angrier older men. still alive, yes, but with a bigger mountain to climb.

 

[BusynMember]

My prayers are with you. It's just so hard. (((Hugs)))