Gosh, these difficult child's are all so complicated! I'm sorry Kathy, I know how the head spinning goes, clearly you're between a rock and a hard space. To give you another perspective, hopefully it doesn't make it more confusing......my adult difficult child is not a substance abuser, she is (simply) mentally ill. The issue I deal with on a continual basis is where is the line with a person who really cannot deal with reality and doesn't have the mental capacity nor the tools to live a 'normal' life? Yes, she could get diagnosed which, like many mentally ill people, she refuses to do. And, statistically speaking, many with a diagnosis and medications either take the medications and then stop or never take the medications. Having so many mentally challenged relatives, I've listened to them tell me the reasons they don't take medications, and I really can't fault them for it. I am not in those shoes, but I know for one person, my sister, who has dual diagnosis, on medications all her creativity is gone and she is an artist, so what she lives and breathes and loves and is her livelihood is GONE on medications. She makes that choice. I can't imagine having to make that choice.
The issues remain very complex for us parents even if all you are dealing with is the mental illness. AND, the mental illness presents many more issues for us with where that line is drawn, to help them or not to help them. What is enabling, what is not? Hence, my continued desire and need for a weekly support group lead by a therapist well versed in Codependency. It is ongoing, complicated and a day to day process of evaluating, detaching, accepting, looking at options, self healing, compromise and choices. I know the head spinning really well.
Having said that, for me it has gotten somewhat easier and that is the acceptance of how my difficult child is. She can do some things well and others not well at all. Given my bag of tools, I get to evaluate where I help and where I let go, based a lot on the 'codependency feels bad, loving kindness (and I would add, normal loving parenting) feels good', theory. I've learned in my therapy group that there are no cut and dry answers, only parents trying with all their hearts to do the right thing with their difficult child's and each of us having to map that road out for ourselves. I wish there was that comprehensive book which tells us exactly what to do, but there isn't one, or one that works for all of us, simply our own knowledge, wisdom, experience, intuition, heart and love for our children.
I have also accepted that I'm in for the long haul. And, I can worry about what will she do when I'm gone, but I'll be gone and I have no control over that one, but I do get to decide what I do now. Sometimes it feels good to step in and help, I'm doing that now, and will post my update soon, but with each step I'm learning a lot about my particular line in the sand and more importantly, how with a difficult child, that line moves. I guess flexibility and trusting my choices has helped me. And, accepting and adapting to the life I've been given.
I look at my difficult child differently now. As I said the other day, since she broke down and I began really seeing the struggle and the torment, my empathy grew and my expectations, judgments, and anger subsided. With the empathy came understanding and that impacted her too, I am not looking at her with my "mothers judgment" which she could pick up on and react to in a second, people feel when they are not accepted for who they are. For us, my daughter and I, that acceptance made a world of difference. A therapist once told me that everyone wants to be accepted, and when we're not, we know it and resent it.
I don't know if this all helps or not, it was simply my response to your post. My heart goes out to you, I do really understand how difficult it is to make the choices you are making. I would say to follow your mothers heart in each individual incident and listen to her with that heart, I think you'll know what the appropriate thing to do is.
You know, just as an aside, as I accepted my difficult child, her need to hang with the kind of 'low life' characters she was hanging with, died and new friends began surfacing. I couldn't help thinking that the ones I dubbed as "low lifes" were the only ones who accepted her. Everyone else judged her. Mostly me with all my mothers concerns, hopes, dreams, expectations, resentments, angers, disappointments, etc. In coming to terms with my own feelings, our relationship improved dramatically. Go figure.......... Hugs to you Kathy.
