She is back in jail

[recoveringenabler]

I don't know if they will contact you or not, PG, since the baby is safe with you there may not be a reason for them to immediately get involved. But, I don't know. As GM said, they'll find you if they need to. Doesn't seem as if you need to involve them.

I did all the paperwork myself, got it to the court and paid the small amount of money and submitted the paperwork. I was told that temporary guardianship is awarded to keep the child safe. That seems obvious in your case. A court date was set, I appeared and was granted temporary guardianship. That all happened pretty quickly. It was the permanent guardianship which took a lot more legal wrangling and time. But, in your case, I would imagine it would be pretty cut and dry, the mother is in jail. Do you know how long she will be in jail?

I know this is monstrous for you PG, but later on, when your daughter is back out, and you have figured out how to get Connor under your umbrella, it may serve you to have this all under your belt with the knowledge you're about to gain and understand. Not to minimize the stress and horror of what you're going through now, but later when the dust settles, it may put you in a better position to protect Connor should this kind of behavior continue.

Just some thoughts............I know how hard this is on you............

 

[toughlovin]

I agree...if they have been contacted they will contact you....and I bet they will close the case and support you in being the guardians. That is clearly what is best for Connor.

 

[BusynMember]

PG, my heart goes out to you. My daughter relapsed several times before she quit though. Seems like it's a part of getting clean. All is not lost. Please believe that.

Connor is safe and loved and in your home. I can't imagine why anyone would try to change that. Your daughter does love her son. I'm betting she will give you guardianship gladly and be grateful to have you. Take one step at a time. Vent here. WE care. You know that. And focus on the most important thing: CONNOR IS SAFE!!!!

Hugs to you for all the hurt and pain you are going through right now.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

19 months clean...all gone...she is begging for help now (of course, because she got caught) but I will not do a thing to contribute to that. I have done all that I can and it is up to HER now. She wants her son, well she better do the work to get him. I told her it is up to her and the judge now. I won't even go to the court hearing. I really don't want to bring Connor to see his mother in jail either. Not that I even have the time to do that right now. Let her sit there and wallow in her misery. I just don't care right now. I haven't even shed a tear yet. I have not slept though, that is for sure. Connor co-sleeps with her and now I have to figure out sleeping arrangements. Her bedroom is upstairs and I cannot see him spending the night by himself up there. Yet I can't see him sleeping with husband and I every night either. Ugh. So many details and things I probably shouldn't even be worried about yet but I am tired, my brain is spinning and I am thinking about all sorts of things right now. Thank GOD for this group...

Just heard from her PO. Earliest possible court date is November 17th if they have room.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

One thing is for sure, both husband and I agree that she will never live here again.

 

[Hope_Floats]

Addiction sucks.

My heart aches with you, PG, as I was following along and rooting for Marina. My son is 22 and not quite where she was yet, so I was taking hope from her progress. I agree with MWM that this is probably part of the recovery process, that all is not lost in this backward step, and lessons are being learned even now.

It still hurts, though, the disappointment, I know. And I think you are doing the right thing in upping your boundaries to say that she can no longer live with you. Tough love just had to get a little tougher, that's all.

We're here with you. Hang in there.

 

[Lucedaleblessed]

What did she test positive on?

Second, you have to ensure that you help her out of town. The father of the child can be released at some point and what if he use her in a weaken state to file for some kind of right to see his child? She is down rock bottom right now and she has nothing to fight for once she comes out to live in a shelter. To protect Connor she needs to leave her social network behind because somewhere inside it there is someone who gave her access and temptation to be high. Second she needs to be hard to find once the father of the child is released.

Could you check with the PO if there is some kind of residential place far away where she can go serving out the rest of her sentence?

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I talked to her PO this morning. The levels of meth in her system were extremely high, so she didn't even use just a little. Her PO confirmed there is no reason fro DFCS to be involved at all. We will have her sign the temporary guardianship papers and file with the court.

A little disheartening, she does not seem convinced that they will be able to get her in rehab, though. She said it is so tough finding a place, money (we are not footing the bill), etc. So I have no idea what it is going to happen. She cannot come back here.

Earliest court date is November 17th but if she does not make it on that list she will go December 5th. I'm exhausted...and trying to work but my head is just not in the right place...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

The sperm donor is also in prison and will be for many years. His name is not on the birth certificate so he would have to fight to get involved in Connor's life. We have quite a while to worry about that...

 

[TearyEyed]

PG,
I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You will get through this. You are strong enough to do this.

Hugs,
TE

 

[PatriotsGirl]

She tried calling...as of I an going to put money on a phone account??? Um no. That money needs to pay for raising Connor. I have nothing to say to her nor do I want to even hear her voice at this point.

 

[Signorina]

Take it momemt by moment. You naturally have a million questions swirling in your head and a lot of decisions looming.

Just deal with the immediate needs. Try not to get or think too far ahead.

I know that I like to have contingency plans - usually Plans A thru Z. Always thinking "what if", "what's next" "how will I"? etc. I have to say that for all of my contigency planning- I've never had the future unfold the way I planned it would.

You are so mad at her and you should be- she deserves your ire. But I also know that your anger is rooted in love and concern for your beloved daughter. I want to tell your mommy heart that her relapse does not mean the 19 months sober are wasted or don't have value. They do. She may draw on that time sooner or even later.

Take it one step at a time. Getting the baby a place to sleep and his 1 year old shots and temporary guardianship is a lot to do. The other decisions can wait and the answer will be clearer once the time comes to decide. You can't solve this like a superhero or Olivia Pope- no one can see that far ahead.

Please take good care of yourself. It's a lot - the emotional upheaval plus the demands of a 1 year old. I send you lots of love and support and I think you are an amazing mom, grandma & a strong woman. Xoxo

 

[Lucedaleblessed]

She tried calling...as of I an going to put money on a phone account??? Um no. That money needs to pay for raising Connor. I have nothing to say to her nor do I want to even hear her voice at this point.

Just remember that you need to get her signature on the papers, so let husband talk to her if he can take it. She is upset already and she doesn't need to be so upset that she backs out of signing the papers. If it takes putting money on her Phone account then do it for Connor's sake.

Try to find out where she got the drugs. If there is a poison ivy close to your surroundings this individual needs to be identified. In the last post you made before this she was out looking for job and went down for community service. Someone she met tempted her and she made a very poor choice. You need the signature and the threat identified. Unfortunately it requires that one of you have to talk to her.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

husband will not talk to her. He would have to hold himself back from hurting her if he saw her. I feel the same way.
She will sign the papers. She has no one else and she knows he is better with us. Maybe I will talk to her before her court appearance but it certainly won't be right now...I need time. I haven't reached any stage yet. Not anger, no tears...just still disbelief that she would throw everything away...

 

[Hope_Floats]

I could be wrong but I am so broken-hearted with you..........doesn't even matter if there is a "Poison Ivy" around.......there will always be another one of those, and, as much as I hate them, someone else to blame. You can't waste your time chasing after those. Your pain is here. Now. Omg. How can she have thrown away another chance for her and for sweet little Connor. It just doesn't make SENSE!

Hang in there, PG. We all know that addiction doesn't make sense but that we will strive to........................omigosh I almost said survive. And maybe that's where we are sometimes........but we will thrive.

 

[Nancy]

Thanks mom, it really is profound.

 

[dstc_99]

PG,
I can totally understand your disbelief right now. I couldnt ever imagine making a choice that would knowingly hurt my child. Take your time and do whatever you have to do to protect Connor. He is the most important one right now other than you and husband. Make sure you take care of yourselves too!

 

[Calamity Jane]

PG,
I'm so disappointed in her right now, and could wring her neck for you. on the other hand, 19 months clean on her first try, after so many years of risky behavior and substance abuse is still amazing in itself. Has she had any other outside counseling or support other than you and your husband? Going from a crazy lifestyle to responsible motherhood at 20-21 yrs. old is ridiculously hard. Heck, going from a responsible easy child to a mom at 20-21 is ridiculously hard, and it never, ever ends, day after day. Add to that a backbreaking service industry job, and having to take medications for other issues, and I'm frankly amazed she made it this far.
Maybe the relapse was just a way of saying, 'F---k it, I'm sick of being responsible, if I mess up royally, I get out of this nightmare for a while." That doesn't mean she doesn't adore Connor, she just doesn't have the tools and support to make a real go of it for any length of time. The fanfare of her sobriety and the honeymoon of having a magnificent, healthy baby has worn off into the day-to-day frustrations that can send someone fragile over the edge. You and husband have done so much, more than most, to guide and help her, but it is still overwhelmingly her responsibility and she is a kid herself, who spent her youth high on something during the years she was supposed to be mentally maturing. That doesn't give her a free pass, under any circumstances, but maybe there's more to this than meets the eye?
Sending understanding and caring hugs to your whole family.

 

[confuzzled]

my heart goes out to all of you...for now, worry about today, and the things you can control---save the stuff you cant for another day.
((HUGS))

 

[PatriotsGirl]

husband and I were talking last night. He thinks she relapsed a while ago (before the summer) and this has been a while coming. He may be right and if that is the case, she was only able to stay clean (on her own - she had no choice in jail) for 8 months. Maybe I had my suspicions once it got to the point of really noticing.

I am going to take it one step at a time. Do what we have to do. I have an appointment to check out daycare for him to start on Monday and I have to get his room cleaned and babyproof. The bedroom is upstairs but we are going to have to make this work. I am going to get the paperowrk filled out so we can get him on our insurance and hopefully get the benefits that we can.

What is awful is I have no feelings about this. No anger, no tears. husband is angry. Very angry. I feel numb...